Rant in E Minor

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I think in monologue. I talk silently to myself in lonely soliloquy.
Here's a quick glimpse into my world.

I love people. I hate people. I love people. They say that people with Asperger's have no desire for social interaction. Ludicrous! Oh, to be sure -- I cherish and require plenty of alone time -- but nevertheless, this is ludicrous. I would love to be with people, but I feel I have to whittle away such a large part of myself in order to talk to others without "weirding them out" with a blinding originality of personality.

So....what to do?

It's a daily decision: should I attempt to squeeze myself into their mold, or should I live my life lonely and perpetually ostracized by the unthinking unwillingness of others to consider different modes of existing from their own. And they claim to be open minded! I want to say: "Look at yourselves. How open-minded are you when it comes to accepting genuine originality?"

People say that it takes too much energy to talk to me, or that I'm "Abrasively Unique". Does that mean that I'm always going to be alone? If it were up to me, I'd say no. But is it up to me?
I never acquiesce to hopeless want without requisite effort; I earn each drop of my cynicism and hatred of the unthinking masses; I would never complain about a lack of companionship without first having made countless efforts to change my plight. But nevertheless...

I try so hard to meet people by unconventional means, because the conventional ways, like parties, don't work for me, and when they do, I usually only end up meeting another boring, cookie cutter person.

But....
I love....
seeing people who are alone, whether reading in a coffee shop or browsing in a bookstore or studying in a library... anywhere. Alone. I look at them from afar and I silently assure them with a smile that I understand, and that they're not alone.

Do you ever understand that smile?

And you say we can't comprehend subtlety! If it were more socially acceptable, I'd go up to them, and talk to them, but we seem to live in a world where these kinds of beautiful possibilities are destroyed in the bud by that same damned unthinking unwillingness of even the most "open minded" people -- the unwillingness to tolerate unorthodox ways of making connections in an increasingly isolating world.


This past week has been the week of Final Exams at my University, and as a result, I had a week of free time ~~Why study? Mathematics makes sense. I knew all this stuff before the semester began.)~~ So I thought I'd try to meet someone

(a s . . . . . . a l w a y s ).

The library has been open 24 hours due to finals week, so I found myself in the library at 4:30AM, alone -- and an interesting looking female sat 30 feet away -- studying -- alone. I told her silently that I understood. But why spend my life communicating through false telepathy with people who will never hear me? I had to do something. What possible benefit could come from shying away? Internal comfort? What's the use of comfort?!?! Internal security?

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." -- Helen Keller

I listened silently to my headphones, hearing Lenny Bruce perform what could only be described as jazz comedy in my ears while I cooked up a plan....and courage.

I walked up and sat across from her. (No one else is around) I say:
"Hey, I'm doing a sociology experiment. I'll make you a deal, Ok? I flip a coin, you call it. If I win, you've gotta hang out with me at least once -- we'll get coffee or watch a movie or fly a kite. Something like that. If you win, I'll walk away, and I'll probably never see you again."

"Ohhh kaaayy....." it says nervously.

(Flip).........(She calls: "Heads")..........(catch)...........


"Tails".....


I sigh almost inaudibly, put down the quarter on the arm of her chair, and start to walk away.

You didn't stop me?
No. She doesn't beckon back the interesting stranger who just made a genuine attempt to meet someone. She doesn't say "Hey...I think it was heads, actually. So I guess we've got to hang out. How about I meet you for coffee after I'm done with exams?"
Are you that content with the mundane?!
Are you that satisfied with this world the way it is?!
How do you not welcome such movie magic with open arms into your life?

Yes, it's socially unacceptable. Yes, it's unheard of. Yes, she may have been busy.
Step out of your box and live!

Is this the kind of person that fills-up the world? It's so hard to meet anyone, let alone someone that's genuinely interesting. But I'm not going to stop trying. Naively optimistic and supremely cynical at once.....as always.
Well, off again for some more failed attempts and earned cynicism.
Does no one understand that life is infinitely better than they're making it?
Help me make it that beautiful.
Please.

"Because nothing is worse than feeling all alone.....no matter how many people are around."
-- Zach Braff

(Note: The author owes the title of this thread to the late Bill Hicks.)

Last edited by JasonWilkes on 08 May 2008, 6:12 pm, edited 9 times in total.

You're a good (slightly demented) writer JasonWilkes even though you stole the excellent title. If you see the same young lady later you may have an opening.

Hey! I believe I supplied a small 1-line bibliography at the bottom
Thanks for:
1) Reading the whole thing, and
2) The compliment

so often in a late night libes, I have been approached by well meaning males.
Too bad we didn't meet then. You would have had far more than you bargained for!
my idea of an advanture would not have included flying a kite, I wasn't a girl to bring home to mother.
Men actually stayed away from me. Too much the adventuress. . .

Thank you infinitely. It's always good to hear from someone who sympathizes, even a little bit.

JasonWilkes, you should not be more open-minded and accepting of others if you're going to demand that they do the same. It's called social reciprocity.

A lot of Aspies on WP have this problem.

Live and let live is one of my mottos.

Jason, you remind me of someone I have loved, and for all the same reasons.
I hope you find the person who is walking through the library just as you are doing the same thing... understanding the people who are reading by the windows... halfway to talking to someone, halfway to just opening a book of your own and joining them. There are others like you, not as brave, who just look and don't make the leap to smiling, don't take the fall into speaking. You'll meet them.

Ah, what's better than a sly pickup line in a library?

(Seriously, I mean that, not being sarcastic.)

I've heard some say that there's a difference between HFA and AS, so I looked it up, and it said that people with HFA don't seek companionship, while people with AS do. Dunno how true that is.



I did that once...in my college orientation, there was a chick sitting alone...I switched seats over to her table and said hi, she said hi...I didn't know what to do after that Some other guy came in and sat down, so we were all silent together ;D

Ahahahahah, that's such a great story. Good for you! There needs to be more of that kind of thing. We need to break down those silly, self-imposed, socially constructed interpersonal boundaries that keep us all apart from each other -- the silly social norms that keep one lonely stranger from walking up to another lonely stranger in an effort to meet someone new -- and hopefully making both of their days better (for free!).


I've heard that too. But then again, the distinction between the two disorders isn't extremely sharp, and I've seen several people on here with AS say that they have less desire for social interaction than most. That is a good point though, because I've definitely heard a lot of people with AS talk about their desire for social interaction in one form or another.

story of my life

" ".

Though my best friends get more of me than everyone else, none of them know me fully.

Spot on again. Though I'm ever thankful for my friends. They are all wonderful people and even though they might not quite understand me, they like me for who i am, and I for who they are.

Story of my life too.

I'm with you man.