Grudge againts parents?

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Do you have a grudge against your parents that they didn't notice your difference, your social problems or simply put it down to other factors like shyness or superior intellect and as a result not having too much common ground with your peers? Does a thought they should have done something earlier (taking you to a psychologist in your childhood for example or supporting you more than they used to do it) cross you mind sometimes?

I know, here nothing could be done in terms of a cure but being paid more attention to by people understanding your difference wasn't a result of your ill will would be able to improve quality of your life.

yes, I hold a grudge that they targeted me for abuse because I was different.

My mother was still telling me I should do this or that not even because my inclinations, behaviour or whatever were wrong but because were out of the norm while she had developed hatred towards abnormality - everything had to be common, usual. She was also mocking my tics and was unable to understand my eating disorder.

My mother dreaded being rejected by her family of origin. She always saw me as a horrible threat to her secure place in that family. She did the wrong thing by abusing me, because now that she's sick, that family is not there for her, and the only person in the world she has is me (and I of course don't feel much for her).

EVEN TODAY when my mother basically ADMITS that I match AS, she STILL tries to treat me like I can change. I have been this way practically from birth to now close to 50! Yet she thinks I will change!?!?!?!?

She took me to a STUPID school psychologist ONCE, and that led to being taken to a psychiatrist ONCE! GRANTED AS wasn't known then, but today it is like it never happened. Nothing changed.

And YEP, my parents just figured shy and gifted. When I think of where I COULD have been, my high paid white collar job seems like i'm a streetsweeper! It is like I went on a game show, and could have won $.01 or $1,000,000.00, and settled for $100,000 to buy the chance that turned out to be $1,000,000.00!

Mine probably sent me out to cross busy roads in the hope I wouldn't come back. The damage they did meant that I would never be a 'success' in life. I did however, much to their annoyance, survive. They're dead now. Good riddance. They never were a 'family' to me, just treated me like a freak and an embarrassment. I expect they're burning in hell now.

My mom worked as school psychologist years ago when i was at school. But she thinks i'm okay even now when i haven't answered her calls for 5 months just because i cannot talk on the phone.
I have never thought that i'm not like everyone until we moved to another town and i went to another school. And my classmates hated me just because i was different. I told my parents about my problems, but they said that i had to learn how to defend myself from those guys. I told my mom that i feel different from others. She said she was strange in school years too. I spend every day in front of my computer and it's common opinion that i do this because my father likes computers whole his life. I never could concentrate on the task that did not interest me and parents could even yell at me until i finished this task
now i'm about to be expelled from my second university and i'm sure that the only thing they mentioned is my heavy depression.
And i don't know how to tell them about AS because after all these 18 years of my life they might would not accept this news 'cause i've always been their only and healthy child. And it all comes up against one phone call which i can't make.
ps. xcuse me for my english - i'm russian >_<

For me it's the opposite: I know for a fact that I don't have AS, and they refuse to get me another DX. It's obnoxious.

yes, i hold a grudge - it's wriggling around though and trying to escape,

but seriously though - I do wish sometimes I could let it go - I can see that for my mother I was not what she was hoping for and well, I just wasn't like the other babies. I supose what really bugs me is that I was a really well behaved child and tried hard to 'not do the wrong thing' - because I was aware that I was different and at an absurdly young age.....but having said that, I had to be aware and act 'properly' as much as I could - as I might not have survived - errr yes......either of them had the potential to kill me - (sudden unexpected outbreaks of violence, food witheld etc - I won't go on )

I fff- ing wish that woman had stood up for me - but she didn't. It really sucks as i'm sure another family would have treasured me for my advanced abilities.....ended up sort of pretending to be more stupid than I was ......or was it a shutdown mode?

yes, I get bitter but try not to rise to the bait...........this is coming out all wrong/ confused..........

thanks for starting this thread - I just needed to get that off my chest

I'm holding off on being angry with my mother until I tell her about my discovery. If she knew and didn't do anything I will be disappointed. If she knew something was off but didn't ever have the resources to find out what, I'll forgive her. If she never noticed anything I will be very upset. My stepdad is a good guy. Sweet but clueless. I met my father when I was fifteen. He's an aspie too whether he knows it or not.


edit:add

I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse, all. That was never an issue. I guess I really have no room to complain. Any of you folks have children? I'm watching my girls the best I can just in case.

Last edited by rekoil on 31 May 2008, 3:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Grudge? Damn right.

My mother tried her best, but that was nowhere near good enough. She decided not to seek help for me as a child because it would mean admitting something was wrong.

My father dislikes me for some reason, probably because I'm not his idea of what his son should be. He regards me as Joseph Merrick's father probably did.

The reason why I hold a grudge against them, though, is not the fact that they made it plain to me that I was neither what they wanted or expected, but the fact they never gave me any help whatsoever. I was the one that was always wrong. I was one the one who always messed up. I was the one who had to fix myself. And if I didn't, then it was my fault and got what I deserved.

I did, resent them/hold a grudge, for years. First my father for strictness etc, then my mother.

My mother because she had weaned me, ( onto cow's milk and wheat and sugared foods etc) , way too early, and probably created a lot of my auto-immune disorder problems, and who knows what effect on my life as a result of food, esp gluten, intolerance's effects on mental health generally, and brain development in infancy etc.

I also resented my mother for breastfeeding not on demand, but by the clock.

And for their not having homeschooled me despite my Dad being a fan of John Holt and Ivan Illich, and that obviously it was because he was a teacher he could not homeschool his children while continuing to teach in schools, with a clear conscience, ( cognitive dissonance) .

I also resented them for calling me "lazy, greedy, selfish, and untrustworthy/unreliable" when it was "inertia, sugar and wheat addiction, inability to put myself in other people's shoes, and poor executive function".

Since finding out about Aspergers /AS I have realised my mother has OCD tendencies, and that my father is probably AS, and that they didn't know how to do better either.

But the main thing which has changed in the 10 months since really getting that "AS is me", is that I understand. I really needed that.

Had I not had AS I would have done better with the parents I have. If I'd had AS but different parents that weren’t so goofy I’m sure I would have done better. They didn’t know I had AS and neither did I until October two years ago. I can’t see even telling them because they’d deny it or just give me that deer in the headlights look. Besisdes, when I was a kid I was pretty much forbidden to have anything like that wrong with me.
It would have been mishandled at my expense, anyway.

What screwed me up as a kid were the following:

1) We moved a lot and for no reason other than the old man wanted to. In each location I was lucky enough to have a friend or two that actually accepted me and that I actually liked but then we’d move and that would end. Evenutally I just became more introverted. To me it’s not good for a kid with social issues like that to be uprooted every few years for no reason.

2) Trust. When I was ten they did three things in the course of a few months that caused me to distrust them as parents. I'm not talking about little things, either.

3) Confusing expectations. It was never made consistently clear to me what was expected of me as a son. I’d be told one thing then that would change without reason or warning. What’s worse is I was supposed to read their minds when these changes occurred and adapt accordinly and without question. When I gave either of them an understandably confused look I’d get a deafening loud response like, “wipe that goddamned stupid look off your face!”.

Those are the three most major issues. There are others (trust me) but these three are the most significant in my opinion. Maybe If I’d been a normal kid I would have done okay anyway but I wasn’t.
It doesn’t do a bit of good to confront them (divorced) about this because they claim to remember nothing but sunny days, happiness, and normalcy. It’s what I call “selective amnesia occasioned by guilt”.
The word "obtuse" comes to mind, too.
Oh well, I supposed I’ll have to take my anger to my grave. I won’t be the first.

Raptor - your term “selective amnesia occasioned by guilt”. - that was so perfectly put - spot on! know just what you mean there with that one, by god yes!

"You only remember the bad things"

....well, there were just so many of them.

5thelement wrote:

Thanks