I just can't escape feelings of inferiority/defectiveness.

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I recently received an official diagnosis for Asperger's Syndrome, which I've suspected I've had for 5 years. My diagnosis basically consisted of me and my parents explaining to the psychiatrist why we believe I have AS and the psychiatrist agreeing with us based on our elaboration on my behaviors over the years. Even though I've accepted that I have AS and eliminated any of the doubts I had in the past about that, I'm still having trouble accepting the person I am because of my AS. I've read some posts here about people developing a new sense of confidence and pride in themselves and learning to judge themselves by their own standards instead of NT standards as a result of learning about their AS and accepting that they have it. I admire this positive attitude and wish I could adopt something like it for myself, but I just find it impossible to ignore the fact that I see the world differently from everyone else and feel like I might as well come from a different planet. I've even felt this way among other Aspies in forums such as this one. I'd be dishonest if I said I didn't feel jealous of some of the other Aspies here and the amount of intelligence and self-confidence some of you have. My feelings of inferiority/defectiveness are a self-fulfilling prophecy - I feel like I can't accomplish much and, as a result, end up not accomplishing much due to lack of effort and determination. How can I break out of this cycle? How can I learn to accept myself even when most of the world's standards seem to be biased against me in many respects?

i have felt like this most of my life. my therapist thinks i am an asperger but i do not know if it is that clearcut. early on in my life there was some definite weirdness and i think a lot of my issues now stem from the emotional scars of that.

well, that depends on why do you feel inferior. seeing the world from a different point of view does not make you inferior at all. you are just as human as everyone else and should be respected as a human been. by thinking you are inferior, you are saying someone is superior, and there is no such thing. we´re all just different from one another, that does not mean superiority or inferiority. don´t let them push you around, tell you what you are supposed to be or do. you are supposed to be yourself, and it does not matter if that is good enough for someone else.
it´s easy to speak i know.. i had the exact same problem, and developed confidence with time.. how i did it? realizing there is no right and wrong. what point of view is the right one? why should someone´s view on something be more valuable than someone else´s? everything is relative. and when you see that, you realize you really don´t have to care.
still to this day i have problems with the pressure to fit in somewhere and the people that mock me for being different. we can´t ignore it, and we can´t change people´s minds... but we can try to make justice somehow...
i think i can´t help you with that last thing because i have that problem myself, anyway i hope i have helped a little

One thing you have to contend with is your age. At 19, you're still trying to find your place in the world, your 'identity' and so on. There are other things going on besides AS - hormone changes, changes in living conditions and more. At least you now know what the problem is, and in knowing it, you will eventually learn to adapt. I wish I had known about AS when I was your age, as I might not have spent so many years beating myself up mentally and harming myself physically (suicide attempts) because I didn't fit in anywhere in this world. Only time and tide, along with a desire to make the most of your life can get you past these feelings you describe. I guess I still look at myself as a 'visitor' to this planet, but rather than feel like an outsider, I'm now thinking in the mindset of a tourist, making the most of my time here, while it lasts.

For quite a while I disliked hearing and saying my name, and didn't like how I looked. Before graduating high school I was not well liked, but some people respected me at least. I thought people like each other because of how they look, so at the time I thought there must be something wrong with how I look. Since I moved away, I have learned to accept how I look and even make improvements. It was necessary for me to move away from my hometown in order to grow, and I was reminded of just why I needed to leave when I attended a class reunion and some of the people were still stuck on their old perception of who I was. These days I am metering my sense of worth by my writing progress. Whether I get a little done in a day or a lot, at the end of the day I hit save and that's a little bit more that can't be destroyed and it will still be around in 500 years.

Spend a lot of time observing neurotypical people and try and understand why they do the thing they do.

It is possible to become almost neurotypical. It takes years and a lot of hard work. But it can be done. You will be happier because of it. Most people on this board will disagree, but they aren't willing or able to make the monumental effort it takes to change.

The first step is telling yourself that the way you are will not lead to happiness.

That may work for you, but to imply that this approach is the only route to happiness seems almost arrogant, as does the implication that those who do not follow this path are lazy or incompetent. There are many roads to happiness, and if that works for you then I applaud your efforts. However, while I have been able to comport many aspects to better fit when interacting with people, there are innate differences that continue to reflect on each situation. I don't wish to be normal; all I'm seeking are ways to bridge the gaps.


M.

I was watching an episode of the Yank show "Monk" and he told his therapist "I feel like a broken machine." I can identify with that. Early on, back in my Uni years, I thought that I'd create some sort of niche for myself as far as having a job where I could be creative. Now I'm 50 and that still hasn't materialized. It's difficult to find work, and even more difficult to find a job where people appreciate me.

Wow... yeah, I have a lot of "Does Not Compute" moments when in social settings. What sort of creative career have you followed/sought? Does that create/contribute to your sense of being defective?


M

You don't wish to be normal because you aren't willing to admit the way you are is dysfunctional. That is a difficult thing to do. It is something I did and it was painful. It was painful to tell myself that the way I am was not good. That I have embarrassed myself in front of people my entire life. That people were right when they treated me like I was a dork/nerd/jerk. Those are difficult things to admit to yourself.

I am much happier being "almost neurotypical" than embracing my AS.

Please do NOT presume to speak for me. Period.

I don't wish to be normal because I appreciate the advantages I experience despite my struggles. I am more than willing to admit that I am different, but I do not consider myself inferior or a dork/nerd/jerk that you describe. It makes me sad to hear that you chose to accept the negative labels that others who lack the capacity to understand stamped you with earlier in your life. That is in stark contrast from what I experience and believe. I am differently functional, not dysfunctional - you can take that label and ship it, shove it, do what you like with it but it won't be sticking here. I have things to improve, but I'm not going to throw the baby out with the bath water. I find your comments insulting, to be honest. I am glad you are happier, even if I don't agree with what you say; just don't attempt to foist your individual path to success as manna to the masses... I don't want your life, I want my own.


M.

If anything, I think that my diagnosis (back when I was in high school), while explaining so many of the difficulties I'm having, actually made me feel even less happy with myself. I feel that I can never be "normal" and have a healthy social life. I feel that I'll never be able to feel "love" and sometimes feel like a failure even when I do succeed. I've got a high level college degree and I feel that its going to waste since I can't get past the first interview.

I've tried to emulate NT behavior all my life, but it feels unnatural to me and I'm sure it comes off as phony to other people.

Why would you feel defective for being one of the people whose brain/reason usually overrules their emotions? Doesn't that mean you have an advantage, perhaps a certain bird's-eye view or coolness in certain situations? You have a certain set of qualities others don't...you need to become comfortable with these unique qualities to try to use them to help others (NTs, AS etc). That's where confidence comes from.

And you need to give yourself a break for whatever clumsiness or things that don't go well. Don't be your harshest critic ...usually people that are well-adjusted and comfortable with themselves LIKE themselves and give themselves breaks and are able to laugh at themselves when making mistakes. Because everybody makes mistakes and that doesn't mean you're inferior or defective..it means you haven't learned the proper tools and tricks and ways yet. From what I understand, AS people generally have above-average IQs...they just need to learn the tools and find the right avenues to communicate and channel their skills. Trial and error and other things...the important thing is to believe in your potential and keep searching for ways to become comfortable with yourself and to be able to express who YOU are.

Cheer up!

Who do you compare yourself to..to say you feel inferior or defective, to the "popular" people in school or at college or at work? I may be wrong but I believe that some of the "popular" people actually behave like they do due to an inferiority complex themselves.. I have known a few. One guy I used to look up to and like few years ago (basically adored him )...acted all alpha-male, mean, rude, all-that and basically he acted like he was the best, coolest etc..he drove a sports car...he made us all feel like we were inferior while he was this social animal breaking girls' hearts and being well-off:) Turns out he got the sports car on the day his ex-gf broke up with him, after being together for 4 years. Why she broke up? She had met another guy, who went to a better school and made more money. So this guy now acted all CRAZY and mean with everybody, to impress us and basically cover up his ego He was an awsome guy actually. You NEVER know what hides behind someone's reckless or rude or alpha-male behavior. Don't assume they have this perfect life. There isn't a perfect life...even the most apparently successful people have some issues n their past, some traumas...and I thnk EVERYBODY (AS, NT) experences uncertainties and doubts on a daly basis..there isn't a normal, sensible person that doesn't second-guess hmself/herself sometmes or that doesn't want to change something about hmself/herself. Point is to appreciate your gifts and know yourself and RELAX!

Hugs

Dart, let me ask this... what parts of yourself do you like, then, if the AS leaves you feeling so distinct from society? That might be a good starting point.


M.

It always feels awkward for me to say this, but thank you for all the advice and support.

I do often feel like other people show too much emotion over things that ultimately don't matter that much, so I'd agree with that somewhat. Less strong emotions means less anger and less sadness, but it also means less excitement, unfortunately. I feel like I get much less excitement out of life than most other people my age.


I feel like I have a pretty good IQ but my social skills are lacking. I feel like I come up short compared to the people who are capable of being even more intelligent than I am and having lots of close friends at the same time. I also feel like I'm not as creative or witty as I wish I could be.


I like my excellent memory for facts, my intellectual curiosity, my unique interests/hobbies, my ability to tolerate and even appreciate differences in others, and my lack of mean-spiritedness.