I need help because I don't know where to turn...

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HI! I am a teenager with a big situation! I hope some of you can read my long post! >.<

Let me start off by saying I doubt I have asperger's syndrome. For a few months I was scared I had it....reading the symptoms over and over again and analyzing myself on whether I have asperger's.... but I doubt I do because I show no symptoms beside a little social anxiety in public speaking, which many people have.

Why would I imagine I have asperger's syndrome then?

I can literally tell you i did not know what aspergers was until my friend made me watch the TV show Americas Next Top Model (ya and I'm a guy loL!) and a contestant had aspergers. Curious, I looked up aspergers on google and read about it. To my surprise I was reading a mirror image of my father. Symptom after symptom, checked off like a simple list, describing the missing key to who my father really is. For years i lived through my mother wishing to divorce my father because he was "crazy." I listened to my brother's crude remarks despising my father for who he was because he was never "emotionally" there, or financially and mentally for that matter.

You see, my father was never really there for my brother and my mother. He had no sense of empathy for any of us and treated us more like business partners rather than family and he is very stingy about money. He was always peculiar, he'd start one ended conversations with people even when they show complete lack of interest, and was very intelligent, even when my mother or brother called him "stupid" because of his mannerisms and social ackwardness. I was the only one in the family who always knew it was something different, and something inside me always gave me a sympathy for my father. How awesome it was to find out why my father acted the way he did. Well...not really...I analyzed myself for a few days to see if I had asperger's too and I was a little scared...but you know what? I don't think I do. I can laugh, I can cry, I am outgoing, I never really had problems making friends, I love to party, I love to talk to people, and I seem normal, whatever classifies as normal these days. However, I still have my father's intelligence. I can breeze through school and memorize material at an astounding rate, something my father was very good at (he could always tell me the definition of a word in the dictionary if you asked him.... ANY word). Moreover, I have no "negative" symptoms of aspergers. Maybe I am lucky heh?

Alas, this leads to my problem. How do i deal now that i know his condition. My mother and brother still shun him and treat him as "inferior" due to his ackwardness. My brother practically hates him (long story). I am really scared that if i told my father he had asperger's syndrome (I don't think he knows because he has never been diagnosed with it) he would dismiss it. Furthermore, I have no idea what mother or brother's reaction would be.

Even worse, my father's "different view" on life has lead to an overbearing on to my own. He has a one minded decision on the college I should attend and my future career goals. You see, I want to be a doctor but my father is so stingy on money and one minded that he only will approve of me attending a state school and will not help me pay for it either. He also does not support me mentally or emotionally. When i told him I would like to go to Columbia Medical School he said I am not smart or rich enough (Even though that is four years from now and my GPA is a 4.0 currently....) I already agreed to go to a state school for my undergrad college because my father would not pay for a high ranking expensive private school I gained admission to (Even though I know my father has the income to pay....he would rather save money on his own retirement. My mother does not have the money to pay). I don't want to sound spoiled and i can deal with going through college and medical school by my own means, but knowing that there could have been better possibilities for me if only my father didn't have a one sided view still hurts. At times, my father even goes into a furious, dogmatic "rage" when I bring up the subject of applying to private, expensive medical schools. He is very paranoid of student loans for some reason (well...who isn't! haha) and financial aid and dimisses any expensive school because he said I will not get aid to pay nor will he help me, although for the private undergrad college i applied to which i denied my attendance I received over 16,000$ in aid (My dad said it was nonsense...although it was in clear writing on the paper). I may eventually have to apply secretly to private medical schools in the future by myself...but ya... this is my problem.


I would like some advice for this dilemma I have! I really have no where to turn or anybody to talk to about this subject even though it is a huge part of my life right now.

If anybody can help I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you.

I can see why your father might me paranoid about paying for college. Have you tried to bring up the topic about paying for college when he's in a really good mood? You might be able to settle some matter.

My first impulse is not to offer any advice,

My second, tho, is this : Aspergers and Autism aren't well understood. The diagnostic criteria are ad hoc, thrown together really out of necessity to get funding for more research and treatment. We can't say with certainty whether anyone at all has Asperger's, what it means to have Asperger's, or how Asperger's will affect relationships.

It is a term in search of a meaning.

Having said that, neurologies do differ. What comes naturally to you may be essentially beyond the capability of another. This may make you feel hurt or annoyed or disappointed ... until you realize there is no intention behind it, these are simple limitations of their neurology.

This notion may make it easier to see the best in your father and ignore the worst. Which is probably a good scheme for any human being you love; to see the best and ignore the worst.

Should you tell him or make an announcement? I doubt it. But it may be a useful idea.

Some day the autism spectrum may be redefined in testable terms : brain structure, DNA or something. Until then, in your case, it may be just a useful plank in your broader understanding of your father - whose unique set of qualities belong only to him, and not forever.

Hope this helps a little ...

Hi...that is a pretty serious issue for you to have to deal with at your age. I am 44 and just found out about AS 2 years ago and I was actually relived to know that there was a name for my "weirdness" and that there were a lot of other people who shared some of the same traits. When I told my parents, however, they weren't interested in learning anything about it .

Point is that no one can know how another person will react. I already knew that I was different and I don't see AS as being "bad"...certainly no worse then the other names people have called me in my life, so I was not insulted by the label but relieved. Your dad may feel the same way or he may decide that you are trying to insult him. Ideally you could send the information anonymously and he could read over it (maybe the Wikki link about AS)?

As far as his "frugalness...that maybe more OCD then AS or if he has problems at his job(many of us do),he could be worried that he could loss it at any time and have no income to live on. He may seem to have a lot of money to you but there are so many bills that I didn't know about as a kid I didn't realize how fast money can go. It sounds like you can do well in school and might get some good scholarships but it is hard to work and go to medical school. Student loans can be a huge burden but a medical education is a good investment compared to a lot of college degrees.

Your fathers stingyness most likely does not come from lack of empathy or being there for you, rather from being burned by others and fear of making bad investments and not having money left over. Being a doctor is pretty damn expensive, and most importantly if you don't have the work ethic it's a waste of money for him. So I dont think you should be entitled to have him pay for you if you want to go to university, you should pay half, and him half, for the first year. I think he'd agree to that, and depending on your marks, continue to do half-half thing.

Parents are irrelevant anyway with government loans, whining about stingyness is stupid.

Me and my problems paying for college wasn't really the main focus of my concern as I know iI can handle that on my own if it leads to that XD. Although, thanks for the advice guys, my main concern was what I should do now that I have an idea why my father is different. What I was more focused on is what it has done to my family, especially my mother and brother's distaste for his ackwardness, and what i can do about it. No, I am not a mommy's boy as I am not really close to my mother either and i find her ignorant at times....

Do you feel you could share the information with your mom or would she just use it against your dad to say he was "mentally ill". Some peoples reaction to learning about AS seems to be based on their justifying their current dislike of the person and not helping them understand that it is a neurological issue.

Do you think your dad would be open about new information or is he more closed minded ? The problem is there is so much misinformation and negative messages about AS that it is hard to find something that "sums it up" that doesn't also make it sound really bad. (I had that problem when trying to find something to send my parents about AS after I was DXed.). There is also little information about adults...most seems focused on kids and stresses the negative.

Welcome to WP!

I really feel that if i told the information to my mom she would use it against him. However, if i told my brother this i have a feeling he may accept it and be supportive rather than negative as he usually is toward my father. Though, my father is extremely close minded and has many symptoms of OCD and hates disturbances and imperfections; I really think he would dismiss it. And thanks for the welcome!

Hello Glue.

I am a newbie, but not so new to Dads and living with the traits. I think that some of your issues may be regular Dad stuff... and maybe some is AS. As far as feeling pressure to act now that you have learned a name for what might be a syndrome that your Dad lives with: I am with Simon Baron Cohen who says that people with AS/HFA may not necessarily be disabled. A name doesn't change relationships. It doesn't change habits or needs.

I think that regardless of diagnosis (my Mom has Alzheimers... I don't suppose that you want to trade.) you have to treat your Dad with compassion and understanding. If the new knowledge of AS/HFA helps in that understanding, great. But I wouldn't be in a rush to let this new info re-align your priorities as far as dealing with your parents and your sibling.

I am 42. All my life I have had super sensitive hearing, didn't like touch, had OCD, all of it. But I already had to find ways of coping in life to be happy long ago. A new name for an old problem doesn't change the problem... just the name for it. I have tried to use the traits to my advantage. I have tried to minimize the negative traits. This is a personal decision unrelated to the act of discovering the name "aspergers."

I have a feeling that name or no... the question of inter-family harmony is more related to the individual relationships and willingness or lack thereof to get along.

Tolerance, respect and acceptance may be more important "names" for things going on (or not) than "apergers."

Best of luck my friend. You are entering tough times regardless of individual characteristics.

Just remember: (According to Tony Attwood) "the unusual profile of abilities that we define as Asperger's Syndrome has probably been an important and valuable characteristic of our species throughout evolution."

Celebrate what makes your Dad special. It's almost Father's day.

thaks fundraiser and your right it! I bought a cake for father's day already, thanks.