estranged Fathers

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i think i must have seen my father once over the past 5 years. i never felt it mattered if we made contact because i am happy without him. that was until my cousin on his side of the family, who i haven't spoken to since i was very young, found me on facebook.
although i feel better off for not having him in my life i cannot help but be curious about a number of issues. my mum has alway let me see the way he was for myself, rather than be given her soul opinion, which could be biased. however i suspect that she holds things back from me becasue it is either too painfull for her to say or she finds it difficult to describe/explain his behaviour. its fine by me, she can tell me whatever shes comfortable with, although i think that i have the right to know about whats hes done, if anything.
i want to know his view of his behaviour, whether he thinks it is acceptable, maybe if he is sorry? if i ever saw him again i could scream at him for things hes done but theres no point if hes ignorant and feels no guilt for the things hes done.
i also want to know why he thinks it isn't important for him to contact me, as it implies that he has no interest or responsibility for his children.

With Aspergers i found it difficult to work out how to respond to his fickle and horrible behaviour when i was a child, and finding how have the courage to say something when appropriate. i could rabbit on about how having a lack of father figure has affected my life and distorted my opinion of men etc. but that would be rather tedious and i dont think that everything that happens in childs directly effects adulthood in ALL aspects of life.

does anyone think that missing one parent has changed thier lives or aspergers based behaviours? can anyone suggest how i should approach my father with these things in mind? im 18 now, i used to think that it was not my responsibility to make the first move when i was younger but i feel that im old enough to actually tell him objectivly how i feel.

many thanks, steff x

Last edited by steff on 26 Jul 2008, 2:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't have a relationship with my father but I do not blame him for the problems, I blame my mother. My father had a lot of obstacles in life but was doing his best to make the most out of his life, was making a good living, was respected and then he met my mother and she pretty much did everything she could to ruin all that. She has done similar to me as well. I think she has always had a lot of issues that she has been in denial about and everything is everyone else's fault, we are all the ones with the personality flaws, never her.

My father is actually someone I can look up to because despite everything he did actually have a decent life until my mother came along and latched onto him.
Just being honest.

its really good how you feel no resentment towards your father, im not really sure whether i can do the same but fortunately my mum has been a great parent. i suppose i'll find out for sure my opinion of him once i see him, whenever that'll be.

if you don't mind me asking have you tried to contact your dad? or do you not feel that its not neceserally important to?

I have talked to him, he lives in another state quite a ways from where I live. Plus, my mom cannot stand him, doesn't ever want him to visit here and his mother, my grandmother thinks my mother is pure evil and doesn't want to have anything to do with her. I get along well with my grandmother, I think she's great even though she lives even further away from me than my dad.

My dad is a lot like me not really attached to anyone likes to travel always and wants lots of freedom. I don't resent him only because I know what my mother is like what he had to put up with. She is that difficult.

My father, even though he was bully like when I was little, is really nice now.

I don't have much of a relationship with my father; what efforts that are made are often unappreciated by either side, always out of sync. There are a lot of things about him when he was younger that I don't like; as he's grown older, there are more things that I see us being alike in, and that I do wish we could talk about. My opinion of him is not clouded by that of the rest of my family, save that they remember more of it than I do - when things come out, it is sometimes surprising to me.

I don't have a relationship with my son; this is not my choice, but the result of his mother's desire. After learning about his diagnosis, and subsequently myself, it pains me all the more in that perhaps there would be more that we could teach each other, a different understanding. There are nuclear options that I could consider, but being a child subject to that stress and tumult of divided family I cannot make the decision to subject him to that, especially now knowing he would likely suffer worse than I from the upheaval.

Both of my parents have influenced my views... for good and for bad. As I've grown older, I've realized that I can change how I feel about something - while it sounds simple, that was an amazing revelation for me. Still is, in fact. There are some hurts, some anger, some acceptance... I won't change what happened, or who he or she is, but I can change my reaction to it.


M.

i have often wondered if my father hasn't contacted us because he likes to be on his own. Mum has always said that he was a very odd man when interacting with others. social situations, for example, if there was ever a hunting function he would have no idea what to wear. it sounds silly but it wasn't in a fretting woman sort of way. hed often pick up mums clothes by mistake or wear moth-eaten suits etc. he couldnt work out what was acceptable for many things. there are other behaviours i cant explain but for certain reasons it has bean discussed whether he has some degree of Autism or something else.
one thing that i found odd was that he couldn't accept that i have a Aspergers. he is very traditional, so i suppose that his disapointment of not having a boy was further inforced by creating a child with a mental condition. mum made sure that i had no chocolate when i was little, which greatly improved my behaviour. he denied her theory and delibratley fed me chocolate bicuits when she wasn't looking, because he thought there was nothing wrong with me.


to powerpuff girl - does your mum know how you feel about her? hope you dont think im nosey

Last edited by steff on 26 Jul 2008, 2:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

As I was reading your post, I felt as if you were telling my story. I have not spoken to my father since I left home 18 years ago. I send him cards and pictures of the kids at Christmas and that's it. He has never responded to my correspondence. Like you, I have lots of questions, but honestly feel I am a better person without him in my life so the questions can just go unanswered...and I'm ok with that.

to Makuranososhi - i cant really imagine how fustrating it can be for you not seeing your son, or considdering the effect on him if you entered his life again.

im not a mother, but i dont understand why anyone would stop the other parent for seeing thier children, unless he or she was dangerous

Short form - in her religion, becoming pregnant is a serious issue for the unwed... it was easier to blame than accept responsibility.

I think about him everyday, and hope one day to meet him... hopefully, to be his friend.


M.

I don't mind the questions My mom definitely knows how I feel about the situation. My dad and I are so similar it's unbelievable. My father, however, was able to take a rough situation and make the most of it until he met my mother and she started eroding his self confidence. This is one of the things she does, tries to cause a feeling of incompetence.


My mom thought not having sugar would improve my behaviour and suddenly, wouldn't let me pick out my own breakfast cereal which I protested.
By then my mom and dad were divorced so he wasn't there to sneak me any cereal.

The way I see it is, even though it never occurred to me to ask my father, he doesn't like discussing this sort of thing, he didn't want to contact me because he figured my mother didn't want to have anything to do with him and would use it as an excuse to cause more trouble that he had already put behind him.

I don't know the details of what happened, but four years after I was born they split and on very bad terms.

My dad was in the military, quite an accomplishment considering what his life was like, and was doing fine even after they had been married a while. It wasn't like everything suddenly went down the tubes right after they married.

Neither one of them talk about the details but for whatever reason it didn't work out and my dad's side of the family blame my mother. My mom has told me stories about my dad harrassing her and trying to get her into a psych ward.

I am sure I will never know what really happened and have decided to stop dwelling on it.


I think my father was puzzled by my behaviour and I got on his nerves because my behaviour was irratic and I didn't mind well. Plus, my mom's family tells me my dad made fun of me and started me crying a lot. So I guess he thought I was slow or something, I don't know.