handle frustration

Post Reply New Topic

My son is 13 and gets easily frustrated and angry. How do you handle your emotions to stop from getting out of control...especially at school? For instance, my son does not like it when others stare at him (he thinks that they are making fun of him when really they're not) and he gets angry to the point where everyone in class is now staring at him and giving him weird looks. KWIM? Can anyone please advise as to how I should talk to him about this or give him tips on controlling his anger/frustration because the situation/staring may not be what it seems?

Thanks!

I get annoyed too when I am stared at or watched!! !! !

And I get nervous.

I just try and do my best to annoy it. I think of something else.

I used to have much the same problem when I was your son's age. For some reason I was paranoid that everyone was always staring at me, and I'd get really upset about it.

The only thing that kinda helped me with it was one day in band class the teacher (who I suspect has AS, as well as his son) was saying that when he was a child he felt like everyone was always staring at him. Then one day he realized that other people couldn't care less about what he was doing, ect..., and that it was a ridiculous thing to think that he was the center of everyone's attention all the time. This made logical sense to me. Why would everybody always be staring at me? Everyone glances around the room, and at other people, but it was not very logical to think that everyone was fixated on what I was doing, looking like, saying, all the time.

I also think that when people are trying to make eye contact in a somewhat forceful manner it can come across to me as hostile, unwelcome, and like staring. This is different than the situation that I mentioned above as someone really is paying attention to me, and trying to drag out some kind of nonverbal communication that I'm incapable of making.

For the first two decades of our marriage I devised the notion of an imaginary flashing red light on my head, so I wld learn to read and recognise that split second before I lost it and say, 'watch it my red lights flashing' ie shut up anf f**k off wife!

My sons are both very sensitive to thinking that people are focussing on them, but only the little one with AS actually becomes angry about it.

I've worked with him about realizing that he isn't the center of attention at all times. I also try and teach him NT manners. I have told that when you look at someone it often causes the other person to look back at you, and hence his mistaking it for staring (it's the whole fact that you catch something moving out of your peripheral vision, you look that way).

As for the anger, I tell him that they may be looking at him because of any number of reasons, it may not be a bad reason. They might like his shirt. They may want to know what you are doing. They may be looking at something close by and not at him. So getting angry over harmless things isn't called for. I dont' try and talk him out of his anger, per se...I try and make him see that there are other options.

I've also told him to ask the person nonconfrontationally, hey, I noticed you were looking at me...was there something you wanted to ask me? It will difuse things.

Good Luck

I get very very frustrated and angry when people try to tell me what to do or (sadly) tell me when I am doing something wrong. This was a problem at work and at school, still rears its ugly head sometimes, although I am working on the sensitivity-to-criticism thing.

The only thing that ever helped me avoid an 'i-don't-get-it-I-have-to-do-it-this-way" meltdown is to be proactive about avoiding/sidestepping the issue. This has taken my personality in some unusual directions, for instance to control my environment I often take a leadership role, for instance when I was in school, when we had to work in groups, etc; it felt unnatural for me to act that way, but it avoids confrontation since (anecdotal evidence has told me this) most people are just sitting around waiting for someone to take the lead, and grateful for it. Or at work now, I am much more particular about the standards of my work, since I need the reputation of being anal-retentive so that people trust me to do my job and leave me alone without micromanagement.

About the staring thing? I think I was always the person who was staring at everyone else. People have told me over and over that I have a "staring problem" and I don't even realize I'm doing it. I'm guessing if it were other people staring at me I would probably have (subconsciously?) worked up a defense mechanism like dressing weirdly, etc, to pre-answer the question of why people were staring. I'm not sure I would recommend it, though.

Ugh, I wrote this whole thing and I'm not sure how it would help. Maybe you can glean something from it.
As a mom, what you can do is just send your kid positive messages that being different is ok, etcetera, and focus on his positives. I think a lot of my relative success as an adult comes from my parents and how positive they always were (even though it didn't always seem like it at the time).

My parents were hell, see the blog, and certainly NOT role models of any sort. So, gradually over the years after severing ties at seventeen (death and digs) I was able quickly to develop a more chattery outward personality. Something I NEVER had at school. This chattery more effusive outward invented tho credible manner serves me well. It deflects incoming signals that could make me self concious which I suffered to a great degree at school.