lack of emotional connection?

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Quick intro- I'm a 32 year old, married female aspie with two young daughters (4 and 8 yrs. old). I just found out this past spring about Aspergers. It explains SO MUCH of my 32 years so far.

I wanted to hear your opinions on emotional connection. I have noticed that with even my own family, I KNOW I love them and would do anything for them, but I seem to lack a HEARTFELT emotion that I hear other people express that they have. Do you have people in your life that you feel emotionally connected to? Do you feel a "heart" thing or is it a "knowing" sort of emotion? I hope this is making sense for you all. I have noticed the lack of emotional connection a few times since my first child was born, and each time I notice it, it makes me feel like I am missing something big. For example, I took my oldest daughter out after school to have some one-on-one time with her, and as she talked I realized that at some points she felt almost like a stranger to me. It hurts to not be able to look my own children in the eyes because of how uncomfortable it is and to have the awareness of missing emotions. Just wondering if other AS people have a lack of emotional connection, or if this is related to something else.

nah i know exactly what you mean its not uncommon

Sort of, yeah. I do this to everybody, and I think they get the idea that I don't like them, but it just takes a long time to get used to new people.

No, not at all. I feel a very strong emotional connection to people. I could never look at my nephews and niece and see a stranger, even though I haven't seen them in years and I know I'll never see them again.

that is part of the problem that i am having right now. i dont have that, "got to see you, cant live without you" connection with people. My estranged husband, well i think it pushed him over the edge. i do feel that way about my cats. strange, i know, i wish so much that i could be different but it doesnt feel natural to fake it.

Yeah I know what you mean. I can be emotionally disconnected when it comes to other people sometimes. It's usually when I feel emotionally drained or tired in some way that I am like this though.

When I suspected both of my very close guy friends (one which I'm in an actual relationship) of having AS, or HFA, I read up a lot on why they seemed so emotionally disconnected all the time. I leaned the most likely cause was a lack of oxytocin, which made a hell of a lot of sense.

There are a number of great resources for information on the effects of oxytocin on the brain, like
Hug the Monkey and seemingly endless articles on it, like this one from Time, that should help you out. But probably the most pertinent article I could think of for you is a blog post made by an 'autistic' mother, entitled Triumph of Heart Over Hypothalamus.

With any luck that should start to shed some light on your predicament.

Can oxytocin be taken like a supplement, like GABA or melatonin?

I think it comes in pill form, and there's a spray form, both used to help induce labor, but neither create the effect naturally released oxytocin does. For that, apparently Viagra does the trick by causing your hypothalamus to release it. I'm not sure of the other medications that cause natural release, but I've heard there are some herbal supplements that should be avoided during pregnancy because of their likelihood to induce early contractions, most probably from released oxytocin.

Googling around a bit should also get you clearer answers as to all of that. There may be more on Hug the Monkey, as well.

I feel strong emotional connections to people, but my lack of expressive talent tends to make a lot of those connections one-way.

so, just one example. today, my daughter called, she is coming to visit from college. i just saw her 2 weeks ago. so my first response was, "why", a typical question for me. she said, "Mom! you arent supposed to say that" you are supposed to say, great, i cant wait, and so on. oh, well, that is so me. i still wanted to know why but she didnt tell me.

This is the problem. What other people call "inappropriate emotional connections". My husband says that I don't trust him. It's not that I don't trust him. It's that I don't trust him the way he he wants to be trusted. I don't know what he means by trust. I trust him for BIG things. I trust him to take care of me. I trust him to come home to me at night. I trust him to be honest and true to me. I trust him with big picture things. All the other women in his life trusted him with stupid things. He's never really been trusted with anything like someone's heart before. The other problem is that because I absolutely have faith in his ability to not ruin my trust, that it feels like emotional disconnect. The other part of this is that he is the first person in my life that I've ever trusted like this. That's a much bigger responsibility and I expect that he doesn't mess it up.

I don't have the connection with him that I do with my son. He sees that absolute never questioning pure love and he wishes that I had that kind of connection with him. So, he assumes that because it's not that kind of connection that it's a disconnection. People are weird. I don't know why he doesn't just get it.

Yeah, a question like that would definitely throw me for a loop. I'd immediately read that as a sign of being unwelcome and be very confused. Then again, if you were my mom, I'd obviously know and it wouldn't be a problem. :D

I remember one post in which an aspie mother who was face blind could not recognise her own children when she picked them up after school. As I remember she wrote it in a humorous tone.

It is a common saying that aspies have other ways of being. Not feeling an emotional connection with your daughter as NT's do is a fact of life for you but you have other legitimate ways of bonding. You probably need a common interest - explore, solve a problem etc, share a hobby. The focus then is on something else besides emotional intercourse. One to one communication can only be good for both of you.

Perhaps your husband is the prime nurturer and you are the teacher.

You have strengths. Nt's have strengths. Let's take courage from our strengths.

Robyn(NT)