Cultural differences?

Post Reply New Topic

Having just moved back to the UK from France, where I did have a bit of a hard time, I have noticed that I fit in a lot better here, and I'm wondering whether it is just the cultural thing (after all I am British), or whether British people really are more tolerant and less socially demanding than the French.

In France, the custom is to greet everyone each day with a 'Bonjour' the first time you see them. This was strange to me, and although I realised that people did it fairly quickly, it took a good 2-3 years before I could actually say it automatically. Small talk there seemed a lot more important, and, again after 2-3 years, I started to ask such general questions as 'did you have a nice weekend' on a Monday morning. In fact, people to begin with thought I was terribly rude (all the other foreigners seemed to be able to master the French social rules easily) and only realised I wasnt after I became depressed (and hospitalised so everyone knew) and then I got a sort of condescending kindness instead and with the exception of one person, never really had a genuine friendship.

Now Ive come back to the UK and I'm working in the same place I used to work in 5 years ago. And suddenly, so many of the traits that I felt were really 'wrong' with me in France (and made me really think that I definately was different neurologically from most people), don't seem to be so much of an issue. Here, people don't say hello when they meet for the first time - even fairly good friends. People pass in the corridors without acknowledging the other - often with head down lost in thought. On Monday I almost automatically said to someone 'Did you have a nice weekend?' She looked at me as though I was a bit strange, laughed a bit nervously and said 'I guess so, did you?' and I realised then that not only had I said something that was completely stupid and meaningless (just for the sake of conversation), but also something that ended up turning the attention back to me, as though I'd wanted all along to talk about MY weekend. I felt almost ashamed after that for ages - I'd not only disturbed the social rules here, but also gone completely against my own nature (which normally would not do small talk). What I'm not sure is whether this is a British thing (in which case, sadly in a way, I'm best off staying here and not moving abroad again), whether it might just be the case for the community I work in (scientists - and I always did have the impression that British scientists are quite eccentric whereas French scientists are like the general population) and that most British people are much more overtly social in nature, or whether maybe it was just because she knew me from before and I didnt used to do that type of thing then, or a fourth possibility - that it is normal here, but I didn't put in the right intonations to really sound interested.

It's sort of strange being on the other side - in France I was pilloried for not having the social graces, but here suddenly, I am the person doing more of these social niceties and it feels wrong - it is nice to be able to retreat back to where I came from - for it to be OK to be lost in thought and not acknowledge people, to leave a conversation when you need to without difficulty, to be thought of as a bit asocial, but still included in things. But on the other hand, I have just spent 4 hard years trying to learn the French system and I don't know whether I should abandon it. Suddenly I do see the things I knew all along - that all this is fakery and a ridiculous waste of time, and I actually feel ashamed for participating in it (after several years indoctrination).

The thing that I think is sad, is that I went to France originally, completely open-minded towards all peoples, refusing to believe stereotypes and excitedly wanting to experience living in another culture (my dream for a long time previously). I have come back with the idea that the French are in general quite insular, competitive (doing each other down more) and non-accepting of differences. I don't know whether this difference is only between British and French scientists, or the population in general, but I do know that I feel a lot more comfortable and accepted here and I don't think it is all just because I am British. To end up less open-minded and resentful was not my aim in living abroad.

Cultural differences, yeah. In my country(my region specifically) if you are walking on the streets and someone glances at you you have to give a greeting even if you don't know this person, the fact I can't see people and don't greet them made me be labled "antisocial". I am talking about one 600,000 people city. In 2 minutes of conversation one treats you like they have known you for years, they share personal information, and they are extremely touchy like they may touch your shoulder no matter how old they are and unknown children hugs you . Anyway I still can't "read" them. Everybody gets together and come close to you, my american friends always comment how brazilians get close to you to talk, I can't differ a question from a rhetoric speech, we have an agogic pitched syllab timed accent, it's like talking like singing, but I "sing" too much and too loud, stressong words(like in english) and using question marks since our own accent makes the question mark, confuses me a lot.

I'd compare my people to greeks or italians in social skills. They are always happy and saying to each other "It's a beautiful day, what a wonderful sun", people that don't know each other at all. I come from an emerging country called Brazil. We aspies, have the tendece to copy social traits, but of course, I distorted them and it mad me look akward sometimes.

When I went to England from America there were things I loved and things I hated about the country. My ex was in the military and there was a lot of hostility towards us for that reason. (Although my response was pretty much, "I don't want to be here anymore than you want me to be here.") On the other hand the woman I connected with the most was a British woman who married an American serviceman. I loved the medical system and particularly the pre-screening of young children for cognitive development and hearing and things like that. A British doctor diagnosed my daughter (at three months old) wish ADHD and gave me the best advice for raising her I've ever seen. She never needed medication because of his advice. Compared to Americans I think I found the British somewhat more reserved, but not all of them and not to a difficult extent. I've never had the slightest desire to go to France, but I loved Germany when I visited there. I think I could really enjoy spending more time in Germany.

London,the south east of England and Germany are areas in the world where aspies will find less demand on them to produce meaningless jibber jabber.

merrymadscientist,
I have found cultural differences between regions of my own country which affect how comfortable I feel, and how much of an act I need to put on. Unfortunately I find myself currently living in one of the regions which is less tolerant of diversity and where the locals act like 'social police'.

I would love to be in a workplace everyday where I didn't feel pressured to constantly say 'hi' or 'hello', and indulge in meaningless time-wasting boring small talk!

I found the UK to be more comfortable than the US (where I'm from), because people kept to themselves for the most part. The ones who did talk to me did so out of genuine interest, not for the sake of politeness. That's not to say that I found anyone to be rude, either. Quite the opposite. People seemed more genuine in general, and took themselves far less seriously than we do here. However, none of this applied to London...

I've been to France for a week and stayed with a family for a while and I now refuse to share this experience again. They criticised me for not speaking the language correctly and were realy not tolerant to differences. And I think that French culture is a lot intolerant for aspies it requires too much from emotions and feelings. It is very similar to Portugal culture from where I came from but is a bit worse. I had an oportunity to have a great university exchange program in toulouse and I refused because of that.

When I visited Paris and had to ask for directions on the street, even if I said "Excuse me, could you please tell me where...?" they wouldn't answer me if I didn't say "bonjour" first. The French invented the social niceties, so it's no wonder.