Does Anybody Feel Guilty For Not Going Out?

Post Reply New Topic

Thanks, that's my baby and that's also his name

Yw he's adooorable! I have one named Sammy.... not quite a character from LOTR, though lol.

I go through times that I think I should socialize more, but if I'm involved in a project (and I have many of those), I just don't think about it. I suppose it's only in contrast to other people, when I "come up for air" from being totally immersed in a project, that I have pangs that I am often alone. Also, occasionally, friends and family become angry with me because I am mostly not interested in meeting new people. But they don't live in my mind, and mostly don't understand how I experience things, so I just ask them to give me the space to be me. Now that I'm in my 40s, I'm OK with me.

Z

I actually want to go out sort of, but can't because I have two kids and nobody seems to want to babysit. I just want some mom time. I've been waking up every morning around 4 or 5, and I enjoy that few hours of me time while the kids are sleeping and the husband is too (or working, as long as he's not roaming the house, I feel cool). My problem is that I too am sleep deprived, like last night, my 2 year old wouldn't go to sleep until 4 AM, so I slept from 4 to 9 waking up to handle the one year old when needed. Because of that, I'm so desperate for sleep when they are awake that if my husband will watch them at all, I'd rather sleep than go somewhere. If I am taking my kids with me, I'm so late all the time. I'm normally late for everything, but adding the kids into it makes me hours late. Either way, I do feel guilty because my friends never see me anymore.

Also, I want to go out by myself, but to a club, only because I lost all this weight from having kids, and I'm skinnier now than ever, and I just want guys to look at me and try to ask me out (until I say I'm married) type thing. I guess it's too much for a husband to make his wife feel beautiful. Of course, he just thinks I want to dance. But I only have the urge for this like once a month, usually when I am PMS'ing. Even then, I guess once a month is too often for me...nevermind the husband goes out once a week for band practice which includes late night, beer, and being away from the kids.

Sorry to complain so much about the husband...you have no idea how angry I am with him right now. He's got a mohawk. He did this yesterday when I was napping before he went to bed, and I didn't notice until this morning because I was so tired last night when he woke me up to take care of our insomnia child. Would the Aspie me see the mohawk on his head? No, I saw all the hairs he didn't clean up in the bathroom (all over the sink and floor, something I get to clean now), and then I think to look at his freaking hair to see the mohawk. When I woke him up to explain that he's cutting the thing off his head, he kept swearing he's not going to. I really would shave his head in his sleep, but I got enough hair to clean up that I don't want it all over my bed. I'm trying to threaten with shaving my head or something. This is the problem with meeting men in the military. They are forced to have a nice clean cut in the military, so when they get out, you have no idea what they are going to do with their hair. He started growing facial hair, and I can't stand that. He's threatened to let his hair grow (which would be half afro and half laying there). But now, he's got a mohawk.

There isn't enough time in the world for me to be by myself. I hardly go out socially and only really have one friend (she's NT) that I go anywhere with. The last time I spoke to her was the middle of December, she knows about the AS and is totally cool about it. She has a separate group of friends who she does NT stuff with, so she doesn't feel the need to do that stuff when we do hang out together (five or six times a year).

I love being by myself, I'm into too many things to ever feel lonley or get bored with my own company. I sigh with relief when I get home from work; the peace and quiet and solitude is wonderful. To have to wind back up and go out again on the night is just too much. I can't understand people who go out every Friday night, let alone several nights in the week... it's beyond me.

My instinct is to always try to wriggle out of social engagements and avoid situations where I have to interact with people I don't know. Like, I'll give my friend the money to buy my round of drinks so I don't have to speak the the bar staff... stuff like that. I can do it if I have to and it's not too bad, but if I can ditch it, I will.

But I do go sometimes into these situations which cause me discomfort (wedding receptions, works Christmas party). Both of those things have lots of people, many of which I don't know, loads of small talk, loud music, dancing - my vision of hell, basically. But once or twice a year, I make the effort, even though it's pretty much the last thing in the world I would freely choose to do. It's like I'm testing myself, if I can do this, I can deal with the smaller stuff that happens every day.

I do agree to a point... I do feel like I am missing out by not socializing as much as I would like, but, everytime I make the effort to go out and have a positive day there's always
something that brings me down, it happens time and time again. I also think that I would actually be a happier person if I socialized more but I'd rather be alone than get anxious and waiting fot eh 'bad thing' to happen.

If you're happy with having a alot of time to yourself then I don't pesonally think it's anything to worry about, besides, your special interests are far more important than socializing with people who will say predictable things e.g 'Hi, how are you? What do you do for a living?...'


good luck to you

I stay in because I feel more comfortable on my own. I have my video games, cable tv, dvds, books, internet etc.

I know this is unhealthy but I know that if I went out, I'd feel that longing to be at home. Usually I feel Ok about but when I go outside for a smoke it really hits me that I'm alone. I don't like it, but I like the alternative even less. Damn, life has been really tough when one has this disorder, I am not surprised that many people with AS are depressed.

I think we need to decide in instances like these if we really are 'missing out' - if there are things we could be doing outside of the house that would be beneficial to us on a personal level - or whether the doubt is being planted in our minds just because we're not doing what other people say we should be doing.

I'm perfectly contended at home, enjoying the quiet and surrounded by my interests and the objects I love. I have intermittent depression, but I was thinking the other day that if I didn't have to be in contact with other people for any prolonged period, I doubt I would have the problem, since it's almost always caused by social issues.

I like walking, so I go out for walks to get fresh air and exercise when I could be at home, but I avoid others when out.

Thanks for your answers, everyone! Many of you mentioned that when you do go out, you can´t wait to get home again to your books, dvds, etc. I am also the same way; it´s sort of a "damned if you do, damned if you don´t" kind of thing. If I don´t go out for a long time, I feel guilty, and wonder if I should be trying harder- but if I do go out, I´ll end up thinking of all the things I´m missing at home.

I guess, to clarify my dilemma: I notice I don´t really have a "coupling urge", as such. If there is a man in my environment whom I notice and am attracted to, then I have a desire for him, and only him. When there is no man around whom I am interested in, I can´t seem to find the desire or motivation to go out and "find someone". I´m not really sure what it is I´m trying to find; in addition, when there isn´t a specific person that interests me, I get too into my alone thing- (I really do enjoy being alone). I wonder what it is that motivates other people to go out- is it a stronger "coupling urge"? Or do they just enjoy meeting new people? (I don´t: if there´s not going to be a "payoff", like I meet my soulmate, it feels like a waste). Or maybe other people just hate being alone so much, they´re desperate? Maybe they DO really enjoy it?

Anyway...my dilemma is, I worry that maybe I´m not trying hard enough to meet a man. I don´t want my life to pass me by. Maybe I need to make more effort. God knows, I feel like everything else in my life that I ever acquired took tremendous focus and effort, and maybe, like with everything else, I need to work on it more. But then again, this "work" just feels like a chore...

Ugh. That´s it, I just go around and around in circles sometimes....

! !! !

Yeah, I´m also the same way. I go out to the theater, or to dance performances...generally alone, but I guess just getting out and being somehow near people (or watching them onstage) makes me feel like I´m having a social life. I also go to museums- (probably you do this too?) I go to special exhibits which interest me. Funny- in the movies, it´s always a cliche that men and women meet in a museum....but I have never been approached by a man in a museum. (Though I was groped a few times when I was younger, in the museum of London....ugh)!

Well- here I am complaining about how men don´t approach me in museums. However, if one did, who knows how I would react....I´d probably be trying to get away....

In the Scorsese film, The Age of Innocence, Daniel Day Lewis and Michelle Pfeiffer had an illicit rendezvous at the old Metropolitan Museum in NYC - I think they chose the museum because the few people went there.

I've worked in a museum my entire career. I didn't know it was such a great pickup joint or I would have hung out in the galleries more often.

Z

I can't say that I do.

Ha, I once had a silly therapist saying that it's selfish of me to be socially aloof. That made me laugh, hysterically.

My boyfriend works long hours (til 10pm or so) in the city and I have to drive him home. I usually take a book or laptop to keep myself occupied if he's late.

It's a weird feeling sitting in a car outside pubs and nightclubs watching everyone have fun. They're all dressed up, while half the time I'm in my pyjamas. They're in big groups, I'm alone. They're all drinking, I don't like the taste of alcohol. They're going dancing, I'd rather read.

At first I guess I was a bit ... jealous? I kind of envied how people looked like they were having so much fun. But then I realised that what I do is fun for me.

Now I know I'm better off if I don't try to pretend to have fun with my boyfriend and his friends at the pub. He has fun going out. I have fun staying in. His mates love me because I'm the perfect designated driver.

One of the girls he works with thinks I'm "nice" and "lovely" for picking them up from the pub. She used those words!
I guess she doesn't know that I only pick them up so I can socialise without having to spend too much time with them
(and because they drink-drive otherwise)

That describes me well also, I've only recently realised it but I've been having even more fun on my own since I realised that I didn't have to feel guilty or jealous or anything about how others enjoy spending their time. Although the "more fun" could also be because I've recently learned how to crochet and have started crocheting the Doctor Who characters and after that I'm going to try the LOTR cast. God that sounds geeky but I'm so excited

The only guilt that I used to have, came from my mother. She would get upset if I stayed in my room and read. Heaven consisted of myself, my cats, my books, or my projects (whatever the current obsession was.) So, she would chase me outside, knowing fully well that the kids would pick on me. I guess she thought that it was important to go outside and "put up" with people. So, when that guilt tries to take over, I remember that I don't have to realize someone elses expectations.

For instance, I had such a good week, putting together a new platform bed, working on my writing, changing one room around, hanging up some new pictures. If I want company, I'll sit on my porch swing and say hello to any passing neighbor if I feel like it. I have found that allowing myself alone time, makes me more mellow.

Yes, I have felt guilt about it. Especially before I knew I had AS. Friends would call and suggest something and I'd mostly pass. Over and over again. Same thing with NT girlfriends really. Just about any social event seemed to be crucial and I would always try to escape.

I don't feel bad about it now though. I have been diagnosed with AS and I now know why alone time is so important for my own well-being. I have also told family and friends so I guess they somewhat understand...

It may sound like I don't want to do anything with anyone ever but that's not the case. The problem has always been incompability. A lot of things my NT friends are into does not interest me one bit. Simple as that.

I think I'd function really well with aspies that share some of my interests but I have never met any.