I hate the concept of "social skills"

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I have learnt a lot of social skills so far, I have a lot of intuition, but I'm just so differently wired that I never have this kind of social intuition that non-autistic people have that makes them able to truly connect with each other no matter if they love, hate, want to do something for each other or try to use each other. They can connect.

I'm missing the ability to connect to others through whatever means. I'm out of sync. Not tuned in. Whatever to call it.

No knowledge of learnt social skills will get me there either.

I don't dislike the term though. Other people use it and that makes it beyond like or dislike in my opinion. It just is for others. Not for me. So what's it my business to form an opinion on what I do not know and will not experience ever? That's what I think.

I was told a little over a year ago by a therapist "You just need social skills," as if that would solve all my problems. I wish that were the case, but even if I did have better/more social skills, that wouldn't help any if I still couldn't put that knowledge into use.

They make it my business when they condemn me for not understanding their hallucination. They are not really connecting with each other as much as they think. They just connect with the idea of connecting and play along as though they know what's going on when half the time they don't.

But how can you know all that if you can't experience the same?

HAHA!! Awesome

I hate the concept of social skills, as much as I hate Autism Speaks.

But I can see. I just see a slightly different spectrum. Me & the bees. I can connect with some people. People with good intentions who want to find a way to connect.

I believe that I have a more highly developed "Theory of Mind" than most people. It's just that my instincts are different. I am more able to understand them than they are able to understand me.

It's no trick to connect with someone who's just like you. My son (Aspie) makes perfect sense to me, so there's no work at all. My daughter (NT) is a little harder, but we want to connect and are willing to make the effort.

The biggest problem is people who don't understand their own minds, and people who don't want to connect and lie or find ways to throw you off the track.

I keep ruminated on my myriad social failures and still keep trying and failing it makes me feel so utterly hopeless.

This is from Jim Sinclair's "Don't Mourn For Us"---

"Each of us who does learn to talk to you, each of us who manages to function at all in your society, each of us who manages to reach out and make a connection with you, is operating in alien territory, making contact with alien beings. We spend our entire lives doing this. And then you tell us that we can't relate."

Don't Mourn For Us is a talk given by Sinclair at an International Conference of Autism in Toronto on November 3, 1993. It is priceless. A must read.

Thanks. I've been looking for something like this for ages.
Does WrongPlanet have a link that I missed?

Jim Sinclair "Don't Mourn For Us"
http://web.syr.edu/~jisincla/dontmourn.htm

Ahh, I see! Then of course you know about it.

I do not because I can't connect with everyone and assumed it must be the same for others on the spectrum.

I also still have trouble with TOM, though I really try not to have problems applying it.

I wonder if it's the TOM that contributes to being able to connect with others? I'm just very awed by the phenomenon because I don't know it myself.



That could be it too. I haven't yet met someone like me.

Other on and off the spectrum were still very unfamiliar to me even though in the beginning when I was diagnosed, I tried to seek out others with ASDs to expereince that sort of connectivity. It didn't work then.

Ok, here's a character which often times does ridicoulous brave thing such as getting invovled in groups and with my girlfriend who I am still talking with and then they still say I have no social skills.

And then you say I am rigid? Black and white?

I think the margin of hypocrisy (that's my term of logical/social/emotional inconsistencies) is larger on their side.

I think it's nuts.

And it's like the world ends without it. A benefit of not having social skills is better self-reliance and creative thinking out of necessity, so I wouldn't give that up. It's like giving a queen for a knight. Won't do it. (Some would say it is a queen for queen exchange, but that means both sides lose,so why bother?).

I don't "hate" the concept of "social skills" I just think that the way people define "social skills" is incredibly vague.

I have found that any skills and language I need heavily depend on the situation I'm in and who I'm with. Social skills seem to be context dependent.

Is the situation formal or informal?
Familiar or unfamiliar?
What's the purpose of communication?
Who is on the receiving end of the message?

If the "social skills" being talked about are "non-verbals", I find it unfair that people are expected to show non-verbals when they themselves have no innate ability to do so. I can think of several people who had severe difficulties expressing emotions, but were brilliant and competent particularly in areas of Science and IT. A "triad of impairments" was never mentioned, the only thing that was mentioned was how good these people were in their particular fields.

There are many different ways to communicate and there isn't a single "right" way to do so. I've noticed that folks who have limited facial expressions often communicate in other ways such as giving vivid descriptions or using hand gestures. Some of their communication methods were elegant and informative. I appreciate their ideas even if other people don't.

Not all communication has to be emotionally charged in order to prove a point or communicate effectively.

There are as many styles of communicating as there are people in the world.

I wish that people would accurately define what the "social skills" are that they want others to practice. Just saying to someone "practice your social skills" is unhelpful and vague.

What needs to be practiced and with whom?

Are there some things about the way we communicate that are genetically preprogrammed that we couldn't change even if we wanted to?

If people genuinely can't perform non-verbals, is it really fair for us to expect them to?
Would that be perhaps like asking someone who cannot physically speak to talk because talking is an expected behaviour?
Would that not be unfair?

If it's the case they cannot use nonverbals, then it would be unfair, but more than that.

If I were encouraged to use certain basic ones in everyday situations, such as ones that require hugging or lots of smiling and gesturing, it would be so unnatural as to make me withdraw from and avoid interaction even more. It would be acting completely fake--against my nature and emotions--just to fit in with others' expectations. It wouldn't be me at all. Maybe some of that is required on odd occasions such as job interviews, but every day would be too much to cope with.

Also, as AmberEyes says, people are too vague in their definition of social skills.

Does talking a Psy into subscirbing you benzodiazepines or other fda reguated goodies count for a social skill?

I guess so.

That would be persuasion and communicating information in a semi-formal situation...I think.

The drugs themselves might help relax you, but the effects of the drugs aren't social skills. The calming effect of the drugs (if you want to take that route) might make social skills easier to execute because you're calmer.

Different tactics would be required for an unstructured informal, chatty situation though. I tend to find structured situations easier to deal with.