Picking Up Social Situations Intuitively....

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Oh ariel, I hadn't seen you had posted a link to the actual video! Thank you sooooo very much ! !! !!

I enjoyed the video very much, it was absolutely revealing to me. I think the difference in relating is so subtle that it's very hard to explain. I can see myself in her when relating to the other kids. There's a kind of an invisible wall...which I can't explain about me to this day, in spite of 4 decades of trying. It's not in the social skills. It's not in what you do or say or body language. Most popular kids are much more demanding and whiny if they don't get their will. It's in other things, so complex and so unconscious that someone would have to devote themselves for a lifetime to studying them and then some more.

I think it's not in smiling. It's in intuitively knowing when to smile. Knowing which kid to approach, when, how, how much, where. How much to relate to one of them, how much to leave them alone. What works with a specific person and what doesn't, and when. It's much more circumstance-sensitive than the experts think. There are no concrete rules for making friends. It's in the ability to know what will work with a specific person at a specific time and place. Yes, social skills will help blunder less. But from blunder to friendship it's not a question of how much social skills training you have behind you, not a question of quantity but of quality. The experts are as clueless about what we're lacking as we are, unfortunately.

ariel, can I share the video to give it wider exposure (duly credited to you and Morgana, of course)?

I feel for that kid. I vaguely remember hating that "free for all" type of play where everything was first come first serve. I always had a sense that things should be regulated and time divided evenly rather than the NT "law of the jungle" method where the most popular groups of kids get to control everything. The thought of me not getting my fair share of time would drive me nuts just like that girl.

You're very welcome. No credit necessary, I just Googled for it based on Morgana's description (the credit, I suppose, goes to ABC News.)

My undergraduate degree was in Anthropology, and I was required to do things like observe the behavior of a troupe of macaques and analyze segments of ethnographic films, so I seem to have developed a talent for figuring out what is going on when observing human interactions (it doesn't make me much better at displaying the "correct" behavior myself, though.) I wonder if this could be useful to the AS community in some way? I'd be happy to look at video submitted by folks on here and tell them what I see--but I imagine it would offend as many people as it would help to be told what they are doing "wrong".

I haven't bothered to read the rest of the thread, but what I gather "picking up social situations intuitively" means is basically knowing what would and wouldn't be wise things to say at a given moment. I have an online friend with AS who sometimes creeps people out a bit when he totally has good intentions.

ariel, I'd want that more than anything, the problem is I can't tape myself in interaction with people.

Besides, I'm a believer that the difference lies in what you cannot see. If you came into my office, you'd see how unnice my colleague is, and how polite and sweet I am, yet she's the most popular girl in the team and I'm the reject.

Here, here! My thoughts exactly.

Great video, isn´t it? When I saw it again just now, I realized that I very much agree with the mother- (or was it the female expert?- there I go again, getting people confused with each other...sigh...)- anyway, someone mentioned that the signs are often not seen as much in girls because girls are raised so differently than boys. I agree with this totally, and even see it in my own upbringing.

Greentea- I was wondering if it was even more of an innate, gut feeling that has nothing to do with the girl herself. For instance, the question is, why do people reject her in the first place, before she even does anything? (I know why she asks "can I borrow the ball" instead of "will you play ball with me?": she KNOWS already that the child won´t play with her, it´s happened over and over again already. Many of her social faux pas are a reaction to how she´s been treated in the past). It was like the example I gave of having people I don´t know turning their backs on me, or trying to get away quickly when I initiate conversation- (and, in a purely technical sense, these days I don´t think I´m doing anything "wrong"). This was one of the questions that I hoped to answer with this thread...what does intuitive MEAN exactly, is there something deeper that people sense that has nothing to do with our timing, our expressions, what we say, etc.? Do people just sense difference on an innate level, and react to it?

I´ve been noticing, lately, that there are certain people on the train that others don´t sit near. Aside from some obvious examples- (like someone smelling bad or talking in a drunken stupor while waving a beer around)- what makes people avoid someone who appears quite normal, and is just sitting there minding their own business? What is it they SENSE? I´ve been observing this lately, and find it quite fascinating.

Exactly. This is why NTs are useless at studying these issues. They keep confusing the symptoms of AS with the behaviors we have that are due to a lifetime of rejection. Whatever is wrong with the girl's way of socializing is NOT in the video. In the video, all you can see is the consequences: she has no best friend to lend her a ball, she's not popular or powerful enough that one of the kids will want to ingratiate himself with her and give her a ball, etc. I have nobody to go to lunch with at work. I'm the only one whom nobody wants to go to lunch with. It'd be ridiculous to claim that it's due to the way I ask or suggest going to lunch together. It has nothing to do with lunch itself or how I go about lunch. It has to do with a plethora of differences in my personality that nobody at work wants to risk being seen with me at a restaurant.

The more they call themselves experts, the more clueless they are about AS.

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Morgana, another (similar?) thing I've also noticed is that unless it's an extremely serious situation, most women, when interacting with men, seem to drop into what I can only describe as a flirtateous mode, coy and giggly. It doesn't matter whether they're actually interested in the man or not. It seems to just be automatic; an acknowledgement of the male-female 'roles' and the fact that the other could be a potential partner.

I've never done this. I wonder if that's one of the reasons why people have reportedly speculated in the past whether I'm a lesbian.

I've noticed that if I'm walking along a street/corridor/etc., with another person walking towards me on exactly the same course - necessity therefore dictating that one or both of us adjust our course to avoid walking into each other, it's always me who is expected to move. Even if it's three other people walking along next to each other, almost completely blocking the way, they expect me to step off the pavement and into the road if necessary to get out of their way, rather than simply adjust their formation to allow me to pass.

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Last edited by Aufgehen on 14 Feb 2009, 4:38 am, edited 2 times in total.

Aufgehen, I'm so glad you're still with us! I can't see much, my pupils were dilated by the eye doctor, so I'll comment more lately. I think this thread should be a sticky or a forum in itself. The subject matter is crucial for Aspies and NLDers.

I think I figured it out. I don't think the issue is so much that she's been rejected as it's that she doesn't know how to regain acceptance from her peers like an NT would be able to do. I think NT’s get temporarily rejected for faux pas too but they know how to play the social game in order to regain favor with their peers.

I think the root of the problem is maybe emotional. NT's are better able to hide their negative emotions better after being rejected. They also instinctively know how to act in order to ingratiate their peers after being rejected. They know how to be actors to get what they want regardless of how they feel on the inside. The girl doesn't know how to be an actor. Demanding to be included while simultaneously showing her resentment is what's not working.