Mild and very mild aspies describe your AS symptoms etc

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I seem to fit your description perfectly (but do you mean undergrad or after undergrad? /confused). As far as my social life goes, I am actually fairly normal; I have several groups of friends etc. Sometimes I am not too good at keeping in contact with people I should be keeping in contact with though.

I don't think I am hugely impared; my main problems stem from looking after myself; trying to organize myself, sort out financial stuff, remember to look before crossing the road, not get taken advantage of, stress and anxiety, that sort of thing. Also living with and relating with my family.
I also have problems often with focussing when writing essays and that sort of thing, but I think that could be more caused by ADHD than aspergers.
As far as feeling like I am different to others and alien, those feelings come and go. I do believe I have a different perspective on things.

I am almost post-undergrad.

I overanalyze people's facial expressions and behavior. I honestly think my instincts are on the right track, but are completely unnecessary when it comes to casual conversation. My bf tells me that I tend to "parse" other people's words. It is hard when I get home and think about what people have said throughout the day, I tend to remember every little thing down to an eyebrow subtly raised. When I talk to people, I make it a point to look at people's eyes once in awhile, but always feel awkward because I tend to stare at them rather than casually look at them. I notice things around the room and zone out while listening. Some people accuse me of not listening but I really hear everything.

I constantly fidget and bite or touch my lips. I interrupt others. When this happens, I talk about it. I am usually overpolite, people find this weird. Friends have had to tell me to stop saying "sorry" for everything. Since high school, I have been known to talk about awkward silences to avoid awkward silences.

When I talk far too much to an apathetic audience, I always feel stupid afterwards and wish I hadn't revealed so much.

Social skills:

I'm not a chatterbox, but I'm described as nice and friendly at work. My focus is on my work, but I still take time to say hello to people.

Sensory Issues:

Very few, except for smells. I hate the smell of body odor and strong perfume.

Special Interests:

This is the most outstanding aspect of AS for me. I have a variety of interests, including books, writing, cats, the Olympic Games, Roger Bannister, medical topics and legal topics. As I work at a library, my interest in books has been very helpful to me. I have been a cat lover all my life. I have a wide variety of interests.

Routine:

I generally like routine and am most comfortable if I follow it. However, if there is an activity I like outside of my usual routine, I am up for it. Since I begin work at 9 a.m., I don't like to stay up late and can't really stay up that late, anyway. I generally fall asleep around 9 p.m.

General Functioning:

Except for the fact that I don't drive or cook, my functioning is pretty good.

wow my thread got resurrected. awesome

post undergrad means after undergrad.

Oh, well, give me a few years (Still undergrad at the moment).

Social:

When I'm on form, only the most attentive person would even guess that I have AS. I'm funny, chatty, generally have a smile on my face, and for some strange reason, people want to be my friend. It's not an act, but it is learned behaviour, and always requires effort and constant vigilance.

I have a mental checklist that has to be run everytime I speak to someone. Is there something I'm meant to say? Was that a rhetorical question or am I expected to give an answer? Have I suitably announced to all present that I intend to leave their company and explained my reasons for leaving? I'm not a rude person, most people that don't really know me think of me as a well mannered, polite man. But really, NTs have such complicated rules of ettiquette, whether it be passing in the street or taking a pee, and they so easily take offense if a rule is broken, they really have a cheek calling us obsessive.

I used to speak in a monotone voice, but I learnt how to put enough cadence in that nobody notices. When I'm stressed or tired, I stammer, my speech slurs, and I just can't find the right damn words and the wrong ones come out instead.

The problem is, every new social skill learnt adds something else to the checklist of things to remember.

Sensory:

Cold hurts. Getting out of bed on a cold morning is head to toe pain. Bright lights, esp tubes, make the backs of my eyes hurt.

However, some of the sensory stuff is great. I'm a graphic designer, and a good one, and the secret nobody knows is that I feel colours. I don't look up charts to see which colour goes with which, it's completely instinctive based on how the colours feel, or sometimes taste, together.

Special Interests

Art, design (to the point where I can do it all day everyday, eating my dinner on my lap so I don't have to stop. Also, sci fi. Yes, I'm an autistic geek.

Routines

I try and fail to avoid routines. I get trapped in them very easily and get very distressed if they're disrupted. I'm also very literal for times. If I'm making dinner, and my partner says "I'll be home for dinner at 6", I'll be putting the food on the plates at 5:58. We've had some very cold dinners!

My friends know to purposely avoid inticate planning. We make it clear from the get go that we'll spend Friday evening together, and we might do any of a list of things. By avoiding over planning, but sorting out what's likely, I avoid failed plans or unexpected surprises.

General Ability in the Outside World

I think I manage quite well. But, as we all know, other people may feel differently. I've realised that the best approach is to remember the checklist and keep smiling with random people and aquaintances, and to be open and honest with the people who'll spend enough time with me that they'll see me "breathe out". I make it very clear that I'm not ill and it's not a mental illness, and that they're as odd to me as I am to them, and generally people are ok. I have a sense of humour about it, and that helps. I accused my boss of stealing my thunder because he lined up all the toiletries in the bathroom into a neat grid matrix, and he laughed and said I must be rubbing off on him. For people who don't know anything about autism, I tell them it's like PC's and Mac's. Most people who have a computer have a PC, because they're more compatible and a good all round computer. A Mac is more specialised, PC software won't work on them, and they're a completely different machine from the inside out, but they're still a damn good computer and in some ways, they're better than a PC.

Since self improvement became my 'special interest' I've improved in all aspects of my AS. My main issues are to do with speech, I need more control over my voice and need to enunciate more.

I can read, write and talk but I cannot read people's emotions and thoughts. This puts me to a disadvantage as a mainstreamed high school student. I guess I will just graduate and lead a Kramer lifestyle... haha.

I'm a masters student studying into their 6th year of uni (4 years extended undergrad, 2nd of 3 years extended postgrad) - maybe this is what you are looking for? i am diagnosed with mild AS, mild ADHD, anxiety disorder, and mild depression.

and i am studying to be a speech language therapist! yay :)

Social skills
- have always been improving, however this is at the expense of my un-anxiety... i have now been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder!
- scaling back on the social skills helps with the anxiety - but then i have bad social skills... ahaha cannot win.
- friends: at the best of times i had a single small circle of friends, usually because they felt sorry for me. generally tend to leech off my fiance/bf's friends and also my sister's friends. sometimes in my life i might have several isolated friends, but i would not meet with them on their own.
- conscious of my lack of social skills from a very young age, so in amelioration of this i had always adopted a 'shy' or 'bashful' personality.
- all the classic social/communicative markers are difficult for me, such as when to break into someone else's conversation (either interrupt or wait so long for a silence period that it is an "irrelevant" comment).
- i practised my smile and staring into my reflection's eyes from when i was about 8 (although now i'm distracted by the shape/colour of people's eyes and find it hard to hear what they are saying...).
- i can make eye contact consistently; however it's more productive to look at someone's mouth. i can also smile appropriately. for either appropriate eye contact or smiling i become anxious. if try to reduce my anxiety i tend to forget to smile/stop smiling or meet eyes/stop staring, or stare into space while someone is talking to me.
- sarcasm: i usually fail to grasp sarcasm unless it's accompanied by a huge rolling of the eyes, or the comment "i'm being sarcastic, by the way." this can be a huge problem. i am also very bad at conveying sarcasm in a clever way (i try to put it in sometimes, because i think this is what people are supposed to throw in now and then) and often other people have no idea at all what my point is.

Sensory issues
- sound: i would call myself sensitive, although not debilitatingly so. have -20dB ear plugs permanently around my neck. also have a collection of higher-muffling earplugs (not around my neck). i would say about a third of my waking hours are activities where the sound level is painful to my ears, such as grad room, worship practice, ballroom practice, sometimes driving, frequently when someone has their iPod on speaker, almost all movies, all concerts, all live sermons, most restaurants, my own toilet flushing, all roads/streets, all buses, anything to do with stacking dishes/bowls/cutlery, all those random high-pitched noises that others can't seem to hear?, many recorded audio/video files when they are played in class.
- difficulty processing spoken language. i realised today that for the last 7 years i have never understood the directions my dance teacher was giving me (eg "left close left"). (i coped by copying her movements exactly, and repeating them over and over until they became a sequence in my muscles.) i have trouble in lectures (diagnosis of ADHD too) with inattention or completely zoning out for the entire lecture even when i am trying to focus. this is made MUCH better when i write down everything the lecturer is saying - it is like processing for me. when someone gives me their name i ask them to write it down for me (unless it is a common name) or i may mishear it.
- touch. obsessed with textures, especially specific food textures. i love biting ice cream for the coldness on my teeth and, if it is icy, the amazing hard-soft sensation. cannot stand okra or anything that feels slimy or semi-solid/semi-liquid. cannot stand touch sensation of raw meat. i don't like the feel of liquid soap either but it keeps my hands clean so rub my hands together as fast as i can. detergent feels much worse than liquid soap (more clingy). i like deep pressure on my body (not massages though). all my favourite foods have been because of their texture, not taste. i do not like sweet foods, can't finish a chocolate bar... well, i can, if i want to be more anxious. have a huge issue with the sun. do not like hot temperatures at all and will readily have meltdowns if i have been forced to be in the sun (feels like i am being attacked by the sun).
- vision: photosensitive. otherwise alright. i fixate on certain colours. i have discovered that the red traffic lights make my eyes hurt, while the green ones don't (maybe this is normal?)... green is my favourite colour!
- smell: normal sensitivity i think, unless you count my constant concerns about not getting lung cancer via cigarette/exhaust smoke!

Special interests
too many.
- language-related: latin, finnish, elvish, cantonese, hindi, poetry, word-meanings, shapes of words (when you say them), English grammar, visual shapes of words (orthography), shapes of sounds. i may say words repeatedly to myself if they are especially interesting shapes... i told my classmates about my diagnosis today - so glad they know why i'm mumbling to myself!
- speech language therapy/pathology (i'm studying to be a speech language therapist!): phonology/phonetics, syndromic populations (of course!), atypical language development, typical development of normal populations, bilingualism, aphasia in stroke, childhood apraxia of speech, acquired cognitive communication disorders, speech language therapy for children with hearing loss/cochlear implants. swallowing disorders are fascinating intermittently (comes and goes). oh and voice therapy. i'm really interested in that
- autism-related: autism, aspergers, diagnostic criteria, autism in the media, NT perceptions of autism, autistic perceptions of autism, ALL difficulties associated with autism, common misconceptions of autism, impact of autism, the autism spectrum, speech/language disorders of the autism spectrum, non-agent theories on origins of autism (such as theory of mind, detail-oriented processing, etc), what other autistic people do!
- leisure: writing, experimenting with my voice, linux, maplestory.

do stims count as obsessions?
- removing all the hairs off my hands and fingers. i like the sensation of pulling something out, as well as the final sensation in my hands of reduced feeling when i rub them against each other. bizarre, i know.
- some common "mild" stims: bouncing leg while parallel, crossed at knees (polite lady on seat style), or folded (meditating on floor style), rocking gently, fiddling with ring,

weird note:
don't know why i prefer having my knees bent a lot more than having my legs straight. if i am tired at the end of the class day i feel much much better when i fold my legs in the car (and fiance is driving)

Need for routines
most of my life i have pretty much been dragged by the tip of my nose to wherever i am supposed to be. now that i am in a much less structured postgrad environment it is getting really hard to be on top of stuff. yes, i think i'm gonna need a lot more routines for my second year of postgrad... barely survived last year sane.

General ability to function in the wider world
i restrict my involvement in the wider world. i have learnt how to be involved in social stuff like band practice if i can "lean" on someone to remind me when/where it is, and maybe take me there... lol. i am trying to be more independent.

my answer is difficult because in this area, i am trying to be as intervention-focused as possible, that is, focused on the solution rather than what the problem is. i know what the problem is so i'm now focused on the solution; i'm finding it difficult to focus back on the problem again.

in the meantime i'm constantly trying to improve my concentration, ability to negotiate communication (how do you get someone to come down to your level? you can't just say "i have aspergers please be kind"), improved communication (what helps people understand you best? how do you stop stuttering? what makes it better? what makes it worse?). i'm trying to establish routines in my life that will simulate normal function and take the stress off trying to remember stuff all at once. i'm buying alarm clocks to interrupt me to say "i need to do this now." and writing rules for myself to convince me stuff.

i have made the decision that i would rather communicate than let my life fall into real trouble. so i wrote e-mails to my lecturers explaining my situation and they urged me to get a diagnosis - so if nothing else, i have their support. this actually amounts to a lot because the government trusts the university staff to make an accurate assessment of me. so now i can access government funding (sort of, not really) and basically get more support. this is one way i have done stuff independently - albeit out of need, and through a lot of anxiety and scripting. i am really glad i did it and it only makes me want to be even more independent and self-motivated.

brief summary+some more: as much of the stuff i can do online, i do online. (banking, buying stuff, etc.). if i go out, i go out with someone close to me. i take my sensory issues into account when i go out (wear complete sun protective gear, bring ear plugs). i'm going to try to do everything i can to make sure i don't get into trouble. if that includes communicating with other people, i'll do it. i don't think there is a situation God lands on us that he can't get us out of, when the time is right.

hope that helped. :O

interstingly, many people who think they have mild a.s seem to have really severe impariment problems with life; so perhaps no so mild after all?? id say taht too for myself- but then it constricts me so much, it seems strong, not mild.
reading what people have said above, ive done so much of it- practising smiling etc!

anyway, i'd say would be mild, as i 'seem normal'. i am quite confident and outgoing- to the point of- i have little fear in speaking to people. the a.s kicks in with not being able to speak NORMALLY to them, or that i get akward, or confused etc. i cant often cover it up, but social interaction leaves me feeling exhausted. sometimes i literally cannot speak- mute- or opening my mouth to speak hurts.

i grew up, and even in adulthood, having people telling me how odd and dificult i am. i have watched people closely to learn better how to behave, but have always been aware that it's just an assumed skin, and not innate- walking, speaking, posture, expressions, interaction, conversational skills.

i have sensory problems- light touch noise, and used to have grave (was malnourished, almost died as a baby) problems with food.
i have an honours degree, and from 12 onwards, found that i had breakdowns each school/ college/uni holiday (from being so exhausted by being around people everyday). i did well at school with little work- well above adv, but not genius, iq.
i find friendships and relationships hard to maintain, as i like it to be quite remote, and have unrealistic expectations of people, can seem cold, can be high maintenence. i also find few people that i want to be friends with properly, anyway.
i have trouble thinking a lot of the time- theory of mind- which means i find work dificult, as i make such stupid decisions.

i can get completly absorbed in things- eg- at the moment i am drawing for 7 or 8 hours a day, which only sounds weird outloud- in my head it seems normal.
i am unempolyed,and hvae been for nearly 10 years. i am completly depressed by this.
there doesnt seem much in the future.

i am EXTREMLY bad at caring for myself, and managing my affairs. as in- almost the behaviour of a handicapped person, or child, im so bad.
i no longer have any friends, and lie to my family i have a good job. through being isolated, i no longer have breakdowns and crushing depression. i dont go out either, though- so i cant win.

i would like to live in sutherland (most de-populated place in the UK- remote moorland etc in n.scotland). i was thinking this morning about my uncle- marked aspie tendancies, and remembered he said he likes living in canada because he can go out and know there is noone within 100 miles of him, and her prefers that. his mother also aspie tendancies.

When I initially explored AS, the qualities that made me say "No way, I can't have it," are:

- No problem with casual touch/PDA/hugging strangers.

- No problem with eye contact. If anything, I sometimes get accused of staring. I now know that stems from childhood, staring at faces to try and put together which expression means what... which would be a strong sign of AS.

Symptoms that absolutely fit the bill:

- Hypersensitive to light/glare, some sounds and some smells.

- By my teens I was horribly frustrated with people always assuming I feel/think something I don't feel/think, and my best clue was when they would say "You don't ACT happy/scared/sad/sorry/angry/hurt/etc. I love TV and film and didn't have a problem figuring out the unspoken body language and expressions of the people on screen, so I considered braving my immense shyness to take drama lessons so I would know how to "act" the way I feel. Never happened though. The shyness won. I still love film and photography but only if I'm behind the camera, not in front of it.

- I've since been told that indeed, I always had a very 'stoic' expression as a child, very hard to read.

- My train of thought is ruled by logic, reasoning and rational empiricism. And I've always been horribly, horribly frustrated with the other 99.9% of the world that they can't seem to connect giant dot A to giant dot B, or follow simple concepts to their logical conclusions. So I give up on a lot of human communication.

- I find I communicate far better written than verbal. Case in point: At the family's insistence and despite my not wanting to do it, I've just written a eulogy for my Dad's funeral tomorrow. In written form, I'm getting great reviews for it. But watch me read it out loud and someone will b***h that I said something wildly inappropriate like I did at Mom's funeral.

- Being around most people, even people I love and want to be around, is very, very exhaustive.

Most of my symptoms have disappeared actually. I don't have too many sensory issues anymore, my social skills have improved a lot (I've still got some work to do though), I naturally pick up on body language (or at least I'm pretty sure I do. I would hope so considering how much therapy I went through for that issue), I don't take things literally, I don't have meltdowns, and as far as obsessions are concerned I haven't had any long term aspie obsessions since I was a young teen. Really my only big AS issue is social skills, I'm still lacking in that area compared to NTs. Also I don't really make true eye contact though I do stare at a person's face when talking which seems to work well enough as far as I can tell. I'm also really awkward when using spoken language and I tend to fall back on the same phrases a lot, though when I write I come off much more coherently and sound much more intelligent. I've actually noticed that as I age I'm getting worse with speaking which is somewhat disturbing. Back as a kid I had no trouble speaking, but now I find myself trailing off and stopping mid-sentence half the time, though that usually only happens when I suddenly have second thoughts about what I'm saying or think people have lost interest, so perhaps my issues with speaking are merely due to being much more self-conscious than I used to be.

I do still have a lot of aspie habits though, like odd sitting postures or preferring pressure when sleeping. And recently I've noticed that I've been regressing in symptoms sometimes (usually during periods of high stress). For example, last semester I was deeply bothered by my shirt's clothing tag when walking to class. The episode only lasted for 15 minutes but that was enough to freak me out since I hadn't had any problems with clothing tag irritation since I was in middle school. As another example, I recently got bothered when eating a sandwich. It had lettuce on it and normally I like lettuce on my sandwiches, but this time when I was like 3/4 done with it I suddenly started getting really upset by the texture of the lettuce. I tried to ignore it but after a few more bites it got to the point where I was about to vomit if I had to feel and/or hear the crunch of lettuce one more time.

Anyway, symptoms aside I'm doing alright for myself. I go to a pretty prestigious university, I have a 3.9 GPA, I'm currently working on my own research project which my mentors tell me stands a decent chance of getting published when I finish, I don't have any issues with independent living (though I'm not financially independent yet), and I have a few good friends that I hang out with on a regular basis. To be honest, if it wasn't for my (relatively) poor social skills and the fact that I definitely had AS as a child I wouldn't even think that I have AS.

I actually have NLD rather than AS, but I think I do have some AS symptoms rather than the full-blown thing.

Social skills
I'm actually very social and outgoing. I love being on the stage, I love being in the spotlight, and I'm always really lonely whenever I can't talk to anyone. However, if I'm around people for hours on end, I do like to have an occasional break. But I think that's pretty normal. Every once in a while, I can be a little shy, but I warm up to people very quickly.

Sensory issues
The only sensory issue I have is pain. I am aboslutely scared to death of getting hurt, which ended up causing me to not learn how to ride a bike until I was fifteen (I have excellent balance, but my fear got in the way of learning.). Noise, lights, and the sort don't bother me much at all. The only noise I can think of atm that I find really annoying is my stupid dog barking his head off. Especially at six in the morning! He has one of those high-pitched shrilly barks that echo off the tile and through the foyers...

As for stimming, I don't. It actually drives me crazy in my head whenever people hum or bounce their leg or similar things. Plus, I'm the kind of person who hates drawing negative attention to myself.

Special interests
OMG, I've had so many obsessions! My current one is pageants, and I also love Happy Tree Friends and I'm beginning to become a tad obsessed with flamingos. Ironically, however, whenever there's a lot of other people totally obsessed over something (anime's a good example here), it actually totally turns me off and makes me loathe it. SpongeBob did the same thing to me when I was younger. It just gets annoying to me after a while. But whenever I do like something a ton, my friends all know that they better learn to like it, too, because I won't shut up!

As for the term "special interests", I actually do not like that term. It sounds demeaning to me. I always go by "obsessions".

Need for routines
I can't stand routines! I'm a very spontaneous person. Doing the same thing over and over and over gets boring really fast and I end up going stir crazy. I'm the type of person that does things as soon as I think I want to do them, like go to the mall and then head somewhere else until it gets to be too late. The only routine I do like is TV so I know when things are on.

General ability to function in the wider world
I just turned twenty at the end of December so I'm still quite young. However, I did have a job (seasonal) and I had a lot of fun working there. I got my liscense last August and I've not had really any problems driving. I do want to get another job to start saving money for my future. I also went to college last semester, but that school didn't really work out as my classmates were too immature and kinda rough. I'm hoping to go somewhere else by summer.

Not sure if self-dx'ed counts, but I did score "very likely an aspie" on the RDOS quiz. Before that, it was a family friend who initially suggested I might have AS. I was a weird kid for most of my childhood and adolescence. (I'm 36 now.) "Post-undergrad" was mentioned. I have a master's degree, so I'm definitely well into that category.

Social skills:

I'm quite certain I'll never be able to make a living selling used cars, and should never run for public office, but for what I want to do in my life, I'm satisfied with my social skills.

In the past, however, I wish I had done a better job of protecting myself from people who like to leech off others.

I prefer to be around other misfits. I have a small circle of friends including someone with ADHD who I know from a local sci-fi club, and a number of people who I suspect might have AS.

At work, there's an engineer who I usually have lunch with. We can carry on endless discussions of various bizarre and weird topics. Most co-workers I can deal with. Small talk is annoying, but tolerable. What is extremely annoying is when someone in the lunchroom asks me what I'm eating just to make conversation. On a few occasions, I have had to conduct classes on how to use the software that I maintain the server for. Those have always gone well and I've gotten good reviews on those. The same with helping co-workers on various aspects of using that software.

Crowds don't usually bother me. Of course, I know how to find huge crowds of my fellow geeks (mainly at sci-fi/media conventions, etc.). There are some types of crowds I'd prefer to avoid, though.

I did have to prune my social network a couple years ago. Some Trekkies I used to hang out with turned out to be a bunch of leeches, and so obsessed with their organization's politics that they had forgotten how to have fun, so I stopped wasting my leisure time on them. There are, fortunately, many other types of sci-fi aficionados who are more laid-back and easy-going, so I still hang around them.

Sensory Issues:

I don't have any issues with any sounds, images, smells, etc. being painful, but there are some sounds that annoy me (mostly overhearing co-workers conversations when I'm not in the mood or not interested in what they're discussing). I keep a noise-cancelling headset in my desk, "just in case".

Fluorescent lights do not bother me, but there is one honorable mention. All the lights in my apartment have been retrofitted with compact fluorescent bulbs. I have some of both the pinkish "warm" fluorescent bulbs and the blue-ish "daylight" fluorescent bulbs, but get annoyed if both kinds are shining in the same direction, especially if it's the light I'm trying to read by. The two colors just don't mix IMO. Shining in different directions is okay, though, as long as they're not mixing strongly.

I usually squint when walking out into the sunlight, but am fine once my eyes have adjusted.

Special Interests:

I've had many, though I only have the energy to entertain a few at a time. The big ones for me are photography, computer configuration and programming, sci-fi/fantasy/horror books and movies, movie collecting, my career, and of course AS itself.

It's a great feeling when I've mastered a photographic technique or successfully implemented an idea for a computer program.

Routine:

Very strict OCD ritual in the morning. I literally have a walk-around check of my apartment that I do in the morning before leaving for work. Once I'm out the door and have checked the lock enough times, I can relax. The best chance of spontaneity is on the way home for work, when I might decide I need to stop at a store for groceries, etc. Back home at night, I usually don't have the energy to do much of anything, but may occasionally drag myself to the computer to do some programming.

General Functioning:

Satisfactory, considering I am fully independent, working, driving, cooking and all that.

My job is in my degree field, and does pay the bills, but I eventually want to move on to something more interesting and better paying. I'm very picky about which cities and which parts of the country I'd want to live in. (I'd prefer to live in the suburbs of a large city, but only one of a few select cities.) In the meantime, I plan to find a second job to supplement my current one.

I have been socially awkward my entire life (46) and have found ways to avoid being in crowds since very young. I suffer from severe anxiety and depression but I take medication. I used to rage or mini rage when I was upset but the meds helped take care of this.

The only place I really acknowledge my social ineptness is at work. I work for a world class company that believes in socializing and networking within the community and on campus. There are parties, gatherings, meetings, ugh ugh. For the holiday party I scheduled a dental appt so I would not have to attend. For my birthday the bosses wanted to take me to lunch and I rescheduled three times until I had no more excuses. I was anxious but think I did okay since I had rehearsed. Even with my meds I was shaking when I picked up the water glass. When I spoke it was like listening to someone else speak and it was surreal.

What I find difficult is when I am in meetings and the small talk starts. People around me are laughing and sharing dumb stories and I just want to get the meeting going and get out of there. Once they were all talking about depressing things and topping each others stories about dog diseases and pet death and I interrupted them and said, Okay, let's talk about happy things now. So they moved on. Most of the time eye contact is hard because someone will come to my cube and you are forced to stop working and turn around and look them in the eyes when they speak. That's hard for me and I think I must look weird because I don't know how to do the small talk stuff back. I might say, wow , really, or make a dumb comment but I don't know how to keep it going to be social so it usually ends. Although I email the department very well and they like my emails. The company paid for evryone to have insights profiling and I was blue - consciously and unconciously introverted. That works since I am in finance.

But the good stuff is that I am detailed, a perfectionist, analytical, a problem solver and these things help me at work. It's my nature and being AS sure does help with bringing solutions and research to the table. I kept recognitions for my work which is satisfying. Socially I have nicely declined all invitations to any social event.

I would like to learn how to talk small talk, meeting chit chat and do the eye contact thing correctly. I was not dressing right for awhile but after observing everyone else I just copied what they wear and I'm okay now. I feel silly cause I prefer to dress up but if it makes me fit in and takes some of the focus off of me, it's all good.

I am fortunate to have kids who are NT and use modern day slang and jokes, etc. Because when they talk about their kids I can bring up a point or two about mine and converse about things like that with comfort.

At the market I am focused and in and out. I am polite to the cashier and people around me. The same for any shopping. I like shopping at malls but hate crowds. I feel like my head is going to explode when there's too much noise and activity. Like everything starts racing around me and I have to get out of there.

When I was a kid I would stay in the car and read when the family would go on snow trips or fishing. I hated getting dirty or cold. It made no sense to go play in dirty cold stuff and freeze all the way home. I hated all of the family outings.

When our family dog died I was four and I remember everyone was crying except me. I went to the french paned front door and took notice of where the dog was hit, where the car came from and thought Dumb Dog he should have crossed over there. No feeling of sadness.

I do connect with my kids and my fiance. I have felt love and I can be very loyal. I do not trust people at all. I agree that most people are liars or backstabbers. I am still polite though and I hate rude people. I am hypersensitive emotionally which is not good since I have a AS fiance and he's very very Aspie. He's at his house now isolating himself. ugh

I isolate myself from anyone outside of my circle. At home I do not answer the door but peak out the window if someone knocks. I can happily stay indoors on my computer and it takes effort to go out unless I have to go to work or shopping with the exception of my fiance. He takes me places and since he has AS, he chooses places that are quiet and comfortable so I trust that.

I am functional, independent, raising kids required counseling for them to understand my logical rather unfeeling parenting. Like when my daughter was gang raped, I did not cry, I did not hug her. I pulled her out of school, took her to work with me every day and we moved to a different city. I solved the problem from happening again. She is an NT. She needed a hug I later found out.

Social Skills: My social skills are pretty good at this point. I think I've done a good job of learning to extrovert, but it is definitely a learned skill. When I was in elementary school people would talk to me and I would just stare for a minute and look away. I was really lonely though. At one point, I think it was middle school, I had an epiphany that this was antisocial behavior and that I should talk to others. One day it was just like, "What if I decided to answer back?" Anyway, its been a trial and error learning process for me. I'm still terrible at dating and flirting. I'm still not good at making eye contact. I have a great deal of difficulty still with small talk, but I can have very emotionally intimate relationships with others though they often take a very long time to develop. Amusingly, I work in retail, and have done so most of my life. This seems to work well because I am good at scripting things. I notice that I don't interact on the personal level with my customers that many of my coworkers do. (There is a lot less laughing, etc.) However, people are very happy with me because I am extremely professional and go the extra mile and and end up being more thorough than anyone else. I love being around my friends, but really only one at a time. I hate parties, and get bored easily. I love clubs, but I hate it when others in the clubs expect me to interact with them. I love dancing alone. I think I enjoy the repetitive motion. And I really enjoy experiencing the world around me, including the movement of people.

Sensory Stuff: I don't have a lot of sensory problems. I am hypersensitive to cold. The textures of velvet and corduroy have always squicked me out. (I'm really excited to have discovered this site today. It just occurred to me that I might have Asperger's. I never realized that there might be a reason for something like velvet sensitivity.) I also used to have extremely sensitive hearing. That was until I ruined it by listening to too much music. I still can't take the sound of certain musicians voices though, to the point of feeling viscerally mad when I hear Led Zeplin. I'm very sensitive to the sent of chemicals and especially perfumes.

Need for Routines: I'm not terribly routine oriented. I do tend to eat the same things constantly and go to the same places to eat over and over again. Once I am content with one person or place I will always go back. Also, I do expect to be alone for a certain amount of time on my off days. So I get really angry when my roommate suddenly doesn't go into work, when I've expected to be alone. (Of course I don't tell her this.) I also always take the same paths to get to places and am loath to try something new. This often takes the form of going from point A to point B to point C instead of point A to point C.

Special Interests: I do have a tendency to be obsessive about things. I often become interested in something and then will immersed myself in learning about said thing or collecting it. Like how now I'm gonna start reading obsessively about Asperger's. Another example: Not too long ago I decided I really wanted to get into collecting oil lamps. This is because I'm also obsessed with Victorian Literature. I bought five over the internet in the course of a month. I have always been obsessed with music.

Sleeping: I also read that there can be sleeping stuff associated with Asperger's? Sleeping has always been a strange thing for me. I usually don't have trouble getting to sleep, but I've had a lot of unusual experiences. Throughout my life I've had a tone of sleep paralysis. I also have very vivid dreams which I am often conscious for.

So anyway, reading everyone else's experiances, I'm thinking that maybe I do have Asperger's. I'm curious if people who have been diagnosed would agree.