NT caused Depression

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True, but when it becomes a condition... it's probably more than anyone intended you to feel. Is that over cooperation in a way? Also, depression seems to be internal and not socially directed for people to feel, by other people, but that depends on your personal theory and attitude about cause and effect in relation to other people.

Why would so and so do this...because when I see the whole situation...it's obvious that they do not care about my feelings...and I will obviously get depressed because of...having problems associated with (fill in the blank)...and they don't care because...but that's not my fault...and I can't say anything to change the way they think...and I can't just get over the way I feel...why won't anyone try to help me...they are too preoccupied with (fill in the blank)...and I don't understand why they won't stop doing that...I can't do what they do...no one wants to talk to me...I feel like an object or a robot around other people...why do I get ignored and rejected...now I can't control my reactions...no one understands what this means...I have no idea why these people think that they are so cool...I'm not trying to make enemies...they all suck...they suck even more than I thought...I can't stand it any more...people assume anything they want about me...I have to strain myself to make a point...that's all I want to do...is that another person telling me what to do...is that someone else who doesn't understand where I'm coming from...is that someone from before, who rejected me...does this person think that I forgot how they treated me...why are they acting different towards me in front of everyone...did I prove that I actually deserve public respect for once...does hating people get me places socially...I don't really want to hurt anyone...I won't...ok, sometimes I wish I could...but I know better than that...however, this is infuriating...why don't I understand what is going on...why don't I get it...I'm smart enough to get this, but I don't get it...everyone thinks I'm totally stupid...they are judging me on who my friends are...I don't have any friends who are my peers...

This could go on forever...

Very well expressed, MTB. If I could only be so fluid in expressing my trains of thought....

My own "existential depression" was triggered when, moving to a new school to start 3rd grade, within the first month I was caught in an embarrassing idiosyncratic act and became an instant pariah. By the end of 5th grade I was slipping into entertaining suicidal thoughts, and a state had set in with pernicious durability (the mechanism of which I explained here). So it didn't matter that we moved several times afterward: people found me an easy target and my depression became reinforced.

The name-calling stopped in my HS junior year but the damage was done. I had a permanent mistrust of my peers and adopted a sense of self-righteousness against them, which easily extended itself to all those typical manifestations of teenage rebellion, which I thus made it a point of pride to avoid. I'd become a superuptight, highly eccentric, and (re:girls) completely frustrated young fellow. As someone helped me to understand two years ago, I'd become perfect fodder for edgy, rigorous strains of political and religious conservatism for the next 25 years. And since then, I've been sifting through all of my beliefs, trying to discern what really makes sense - challenging myself by connecting with a general cross-section of people, some of who come from, as it were, the opposite end of the universe from me.

And in all that time the depression never went away - it ebbed and flowed with my fortunes, and I'm dealing with it still.

Last edited by mcm15501 on 21 Feb 2009, 5:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Oh, yes. Like my mother, who always talked about my AS like I had it severe, and like it was a bad thing, and like I had certain symptoms I didn't have, blaming everything I did on it, and misinterpreting some things I said and did, thinking I didn't understand certain stuff because of my AS!

Yes.

Yup. I had people calling me names, treating me like I didn't exist, ignoring me in elementary school and middle school, and even in high school. It hasn't happened so much in college, but the damage has been done, and I'm still trying to recover from the depression.