The right thing to do...

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Do NTs know the right thing to do in common social situations automaticly? If so, why isn't there more of that kind of knowledge being shared with the autistic community?

I think the " right thing to do " is a learned social norm that just falls back on " because " for its reasoning. Just like clapping, or yelling " WOO! " at a party. Why would anyone slap their hands together and yell to show appreciation or approval? I never get a real answer, it's just because. I am fairly certain that being outside that realm of conformity that is the absolute majority of humanity is a gift in one sense and a curse in another.

I.E. When the " right thing to do " was the wrong thing to do by todays standards. Like when Romans had the games. Nobody really voiced that was wrong or immoral, but logically if you really thought about it, how could you ever give a good answer as to why you are making two Christians fight a starving lion with no weapons? The " right " answer back then probably would have been something along the lines of " because they're Christians " then if you ask why is being Christian bad you would get, " Because they are bad (or evil, or inferior, etc)". And you can try to go deeper and deeper, but it gets to a point where they have no real true to themselves answer.

I honestly see very little difference between the clapping and yelling and the Romans sick entertainment. When you grow up thinking it's right and not having to question any of it, how would you ever be able to tell the difference?

Edit: I believe that if it hurts people, even if it's five against one, and the person being hurt has done nothing, then it is wrong. In any situation. There is never any reason to cause physical and emotional pain. It is never the right thing to do. Although, society doesn't care about this, and people that murder and rape and steal cannot just be allowed to take advantage of people, so I have to adapt that philosophy to degrees of severity... but for the most part I will enforce that belief to the degree where I side with strangers over friends and risk emotionally damaging my relationships... if five of my friends are verbally attacking one stranger, and there is no logical reason for them to do so, the only conclusion I come to is to defemd the person being unfairly bullied or ganged up on.

Last edited by Ntstanch on 23 Feb 2009, 4:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

1. Because it's intuitive.

An example: my therapist never told me that when you're unemployed and looking for a job you have to be nicer to job agencies staff and their receptionists than they are to you, because you need them more desperately than they need you. One day, after missing out on having the favor of the job agencies for a long time, I told her maybe I should suck up more to the job agencies staff and she said "but of course!" When I asked her why she hadn't given me that advice before, she said that she would've never imagined that I didn't know that from my own intuition.

NTs can't even begin to imagine what things we don't grasp. And they can't explain their tricks because they're not aware of doing them.

Never ever expect NTs to alert you; if they can and want to, they will. But almost always it won't even cross their minds that you may not intuitively know some things.

2. Because it's compromising.

It'll be very rare to find a person who'll be willing to admit outloud the tricks people play nonverbally.

For example, an NT will never tell you "He's putting you down because he expected a bigger birthday present from you." Or "I don't want to be your boyfriend anymore because you don't play the phony social games with my bosses well enough to look good on my arm for my career at work". I once saw a movie about this. And the boyfriend didn't say it explicitly to the girl, yet the girl understood perfectly well why he was leaving her.

Edited for typos

I can't add much to what's already been said, but as for as not offering advice, in NT-land every statement or action is a symbol that means something other than what it means on the surface. So if you ask for an explanation about something intuitive you're 'actually' being manipulative or sarcastic or passive-aggressive or playing dumb or g-d knows what other convoluted interpretation.

(I really don't mean for this to sound like NT bashing, BTW)

Yes, in my first example above my therapist was sure I was playing dumb. She was irritated.

It also bothered her very much that she had to admit outloud that there is a pecking order of "who needs who more" in society. NTs don't like to be "forced" into a situation where they have to admit to society's less-than-attractive characteristics. They'll indeed often think you're trying to be provocative, or sarcastic, or hurtful, or whatever.

I even once met a mother who told me she has trouble teaching social rules to her Aspie child because of this having to admit to society's hypocrisies outloud, even though the doctor had told her that teaching him was the child's only hope for making it in the world.

One has to be careful asking for the inside story, because NTs are zealously protective of society, since society is protective of them. There's a loyalty between them that we Aspies are usually blind to. However, I have, throughout the years, found some books out there that have a few of the veiled rules (very few). Reading those rules changed my life, opened my eyes. I remember a book that explained that if a friend never calls you to suggest meeting and/or doing something together, then they're not a friend. That was a huge revelation to me, and the foundation stone of my transformation from a naive target to a human being.

What the hell is a common social situation?
You autists are too full of yourselves to understand how it works. Just give up.

And if they suggest you frequently to do somethings together... But you never suggest it yourself ?

Is he your friend but you are not his friend ? Is it because your an Aspie ? And if you have good reasons to wait that other suggest for you, can other people not have there own good reasons to expect you to make suggest sometimes ?

There is rarely one "general rule" for situations that seem to be similar, to explain how people behave, because every people and every situations are different. There are a few different choices to explain a situation or the way other people act. I think that I mostly see all available interpretations on a particular situation (need sometimes to think a lot about it) but I'm totally unable to feel which is the good explanation... That's why I really don't know how to react ! I know people wait something coming from me... But what ?!?

Little complicated.