Honest thoughts on being diagnosed

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Im still getting to grips with it myself & being new to it & WP i suppose im starting a thread that has been done time & time again, if so i apolgise but please bear with me.

OK, my partner of 4 years finally got round to getting me through the door (of Maxine Aston, i take it you've heard of her?)

My partner apparently had been convinced i was AS for at least 2 years,our relationship had been very traumatic at times culminating in me having a kinda mental breakdown around a year ago, my behaviour HAD been bizarre at times & DID get progressively worse. We met after i had been through an awful 18 year marriage where i was made to feel stupid,generally not good enough,alone,unloved & left with very low self esteem, suffered constant nightmares & had very very regular suicidal thoughts. I became a very active "football hooligan" & im sad to say derived great pleasure from this, but however always playing to the "rules" unwritten code of conduct etc

Now all these can't be tied down to AS i know, countless other people out there also experience such grim scenarios & im sure it's "luck of the draw" to a certain degree.

However looking back i can now see the "traits" perferring my own company, having "special" interests, not being the best "social mixer" etc, all not ideal in any relationship i guess, however at the time i put it down to being basically unloved & looking for a way to cope & get through ! !

Moving on, after the 18 years i suddenly become a single Dad of 2 teenage girls, 1 then 16 the other nearly 12, bloody hell it was like being hit by a bus!! but in the best possible way consider i worked before anything up to 18 hours a day to provide for my family thinking it was the right thing to do,now bang

Went into auto pilot, coped with anything & everything, almost became "superdad" ( i still am in my youngest daughters eyes ), met my current partner around 18 months later & honestly can say i have never felt love like it before & still do. She was/still is fantastic & one of the kindest people i have ever met, loved me for who i was/seemed to be.

But, to be honest i was probably boiling up to breaking point mentally (without knowing it) & im ashamed to say my behaviour became absymal, i still don't have an explanation for it because in all the years i could have behaved like a twat & had a reasonable excuse i didn't ! !!

Now you're thinking, married for 18 years, beforehand being popular with girls too, having a brilliant circle of friends that i have known all my life & are very close to me. I run a successful designer clothing website company (my special passion/interest), all in all things that if you read the books i would struggle to do/have done.

Im warbling i know, to the point ! !

I have classic AS traits, these are NOT helpful in a relationship FACT!!
I AM hard work at times i know!!
I have contributed to my partner suffering from "Cassandra"
BUT we love each other immensely.

OK diagnosis time & yep im on the spectrum & supposedly classed as AS.
Great!! It answers/explains some stuff from the past & the present, it also gives me that dreaded/desired "label" ! !

We go away, take it in & try to begin working on the future BUT & here is MY current BIG issue.

It seems we are now trying to live the "textbook AS couple! lifestyle, taking into account traits i don't appear to have but to my mind anyway having them "thrown" at me

My partner loves me im sure but boy do i doubt it at times
im beginning to think im worse than i am & trying to correct everything & getting FA right ! !!

So, at this time diagnosis seems to have bought more problems than it is solving.

Any thoughts folks??

Thanks for hearing me out

...Yeah , I guess you were (reasonably) materially and relationship-ally successful BEFORE the DX...........

Hi TS you are welcome here at wrongplanet. Yes I have heard of Maxine Aston. To be quite honest I entertain a healthy skepticism for her. I also have researched and am EXTREMELY skeptical about Cassandra syndrome any more than there is solid scientific evidence base for it, that or Freudian diagnoses.

If you are having AS traits thrown at you that you think about carefully and can honestly say they are NOT true for you, then you can try considering that the diagnosis could be wrong. It doesn't mean you suddenly now make sense of everything again, just that if there's something wrong, it is not necessarily AS.

Also keep in mind that people can have some traits and not others, and that's ok. It may mean a diagnosis, it may not: the most important thing (as I have found UTTERLY with my own journey thru diagnosis) is not to become obsessed with the label. Regardless of whether you have or do not have AS, you still have YOUR unique set of problems and that is what you should be dealing with - not the diagnosis.

not too sure i was really

all im getting at is that i dont think its helped too much so far since!! !
very early AS days though i know but so so frustrating for us both!!

I guess the same thing that makes me wary of Maxine Aston, makes me a bit wary of Autism Speaks. They make you (deliberately or not deliberately) buy into the idea of a "solution for AS/autism," capitalising on the label, without actually considering the specific difficulties.

I am a girl with a diagnosis of AS (as of last year) and I am engaged to be married to my long-time boyfriend. I have gotten by without labelling my partner as having Cassandra syndrome (don't think he'd want it anyway), without specific "AS couple therapy." He had a lot of weirdness to get used to and I had a lot of "what is okay/what is not ok/what I need to do if this happens" to learn, and still am learning. That is what every couple goes through without paying Maxine Aston huge sums of money.

The best thing I can recommend from where I am standing is for you both to be humble and willing to change to make the relationship work. We are all humans, AS or not!

I too, would be wary of a diagnosis from Maxine Aston. The fact is that Maxine Aston has made a lot of money off of blaming any kind of relationship problems on the man having AS. She caters to the FAAAS crowd, and many those women blame any kind of distant or cold behaviour by their husband on Asperger's. This is regardless of whether or not they have an official diagnosis, or even if they have a self-diagnosis or not.

You said that you work very hard to support your two daughters, you have a healthy circle of friends, you used to have no problems with finding women, and you had no problems with following the unwritten rules of soccar hooliganism.

To be honest, a lot of this sounds like you've just been burned very badly by your previous marriage and what you're describing sounds more like depression and stress rather than Asperger's. Chances are, if the problems are occuring in later life rather than early life, it's not AS.

Still, you are welcome to post here all you like. There are many people who are still deciding whether or not they have it.

i can exactly see why you should say that

i went to my gp a couple of weeks ago to seek advice re this possible cause

she didnt seem to think i particuarly was depressed but more importantly she also said i should be very wary of being "pushed" too far down the AS road, not denying for one moment that i may well be AS

As i said i CAN see deffo traits but if the books are to be believed there is a hell of a lot i haven't got

social mixing outside of my comfort zone is a major, whereas i can be life&soul within my business connections etc

black/white no shade of grey is me too but how many ppl can you level that at, spoke to a person today who seemed to mirror me in loads of ways & looked horrified when i said i've been DX with AS


Lots on here i can relate to so im going to hang around if you dont mind

but i think end of the day when it comes to our relationship the 2 of us can sort it somehow, the insight was useful & DID give me/us pointers that i can't deny but i don't feel for a second the books & her £120 for 2 hours counselling will be the complete cure

You're still very negative about yourself. Does your partner have faults too? Most of them do.

I think you've achieved a lot.

I don't believe in Maxine Aston's Cassandra syndrome nonsense for a moment. The idea that men with AS drive their wives to having a mental disorder (which is not recognized by any outside body as a legitimate disorder) is extremely suspect to me. Central to it seems to be the idea that any relationship problems must be the fault of the partner with AS, which is, frankly, quite offensive.

If you really want to know if you have AS, ask your GP to refer you to a reputable autism specialist.

Just what I wanted to say - you should ask for a second opinion.

Do you remember the way you were as a child? A lot of the AS traits were so much more obvious when i was a kid - I've learned to dissimulate them in time. When I talked to a specialist he asked me a lot of specific questions about it and told me that the fact that I've learned what to do and how to react in certain situations doesn't change the way I think or feel and that's where the "problem" is. For instance, I can function pretty well in social situations, but this doesn't change the fact that I have to do a conscious effort about it and be constantly careful and aware of what I say and do.

Good luck!

Yes, this is a very, very important point.

I'm not sure how obvious it is that I have AS as an adult. As a child it ought to have been extremely obvious to anyone who knew what they were doing.

If you didn't have AS as a child, you don't have it now.

How many long term relationships have you been in to make such a definite statement in relation to the 'Cassandra Effect'? Personal experience and speaking to other undiagnosed AS males in long term relationships has convinced me of the validity of the 'Cassandra Effect'. The Cassandra effect can be applied to non AS people as well provided there are high levels of Alexithymia in one partner.

It appears to be a consquence of relationship difficulties that some males recieve a diagnoses of Aspergers. Neither AS or NT partner are at fault, you have to realise they are at extreme ends of the emotional spectrum. Depression and self esteem issues appear to be the main consequence for the NT partner in these long term relationships.

My wife and I are making positive steps in our relationship with counselling from an AS specialist psychologist. Don't bother seeking counselling from therpists who do not specialise in AS.

I agree with the author of the post, since diagnoses my problems and levels of stress have increased dramtically. Believe this a consquence of trying to process so much information and the changes I'm applying to my behaviour. My wife tries so hard to understand my different way of thinking and lack of reciprocating emotions, but I can see it frustrates her at times. Provided both are willing to make compromises things will improve.

To be honest, I feel my understanding and awareness of my neurological difference is about finished. The changes and strategies I have implemented thus far are helping me cope better in life. By then end of the year my transformation in behaviour and rigid thinking should be complete with psychological and vision therapy. I will never speak of my diagnoses of AS again and get on with living.

I'm not delusional in thinking I will be cured of autism, just want to move on.

during the assessment Aston produced the images of peoples eyes to see how i "read people"

must admit i didn't do too well score wise, if i remember right there were 36 different pics & i think i scored 16 correct

But what i thought was amazing was even though she told me it was a poor score & was a big pointer she never told me the ones i got right either???

so therefore since then when i've looked at my partner/or anyone else for that matter & made an asumption as to what their feelings/mood may be i've been told "how do you know"! ! yet i may have picked out someone looking/appearing "doubtful" for instance correctly before & got it right this time? how bloody frustrating is that ! !!

Cassandra? i can see it to a degree

My partner having faults? Im sure she has but at this particular time they all seem mine

negative about myself, you're deffo right there, bored out from the past i believe, but then again this has got me looking deeper still & look hard enough & you'll find anything!!


traits as a child, yeah the ones i recognise now i can see i probably displayed them back then, although to what level im not too sure, my sister has pointed out a lot to me (shes 10 years older than me) that may have been evident


blimey, you lot have picked me up already ! !

there is a fair bit of autism in my family.
I do believe that it can be difficult for people living with certain aspects of AS. Everything cannot be blamed on AS, but certainly i have learned it is hard.

I have AS and my ex does not - and certain of my traits have been exceedingly difficult for him. the reason i know this? quite simply, he has told me.

attwood talked about AS and the Cassandra thing at the seminar last week with isabelle henault. it was said in a balanced and very good way and it acknowledged BOTH sides of the relationship. It was not about demonising people with AS and excusing the behaviour of the non-AS partner.

FACT: If someone goes into a relationship with the normal expectations of a relationship- based on either prior experience or role modelling that had a fair component of emotional exchange and connection and social interplays and communications, then the person who ends up with ME gets a different package.

What they get is a woman who does not want to go out much, who does not process social communication very well, who has some difficulty expressing feelings face to face and appropriately, who wants to paint all the time in a studio away from the house, who pursues special interests more than engaging with family, who wants to socialise virtually via WP and not face to face with people,who hates group activities and avoids them like the plague, who stims, who is very regimented and routined about certain things, who tends to worry,has meltdowns, who has sensory dysfunction and is also eccentric, witty,AND fun to be around because of the eccentricity, verbosity and individual take on things.

Now all that has been hard for my EX.
we still live together and we are friends. very good friends.

Since my dx it has brought relief for both of us.
it explains a lot and it can not be used as an excuse, nor can it be the new reason for all wrongs.
And as the OP states, one must be careful it does not get used to avoid other things that need addressing in the relationship.

ASD's affect social relating and therefore relationships - in varying ways to varying degrees depending on the individuals concerned.

My personal view - based on 8 years of experience - is that AS traits of mine had a big part to play in the demise of my relationship. They also continue to be difficullt for my EX to contend with.
Running away from that as the reality is stepping into a realm of denial that tries to maintain ASD's are not difficult for others to contend with and understand. They just ARE. i wish it wasn't that way, but that is the reality in relationships.

THE impact on m yex? he felt lonely in our relationship. He struggled to work AND keep the household together because i struggle with day to day simple things (but can wack out a big painting for an art dealer no problems,) He tells me he felt bad and frustrated and depressed becase he wanted a partner to go out to dinner with, to go to the movie with, to do things with. I don't do those things very much. I like to stay home and do what i want to do on my own.
Call it what you will - Cassandra phenomenon or syndrome - i do not care about the label. THe fact is, he got increasingly depressed and tells me he felt really bad because his needs were not being met. maybe that does not happen in all these relationships, but it sure happened in mine. The dx has explained a lot of that for the both of us.

where there is difference, there is always the need for honest appraisal on both sides, and a need for solutions based compromises that can optimise harmony and happiness and reduce stress and upset all round.

That is achieveable, and i saw plenty of couples last week at the seminar who were proactive and positive in their approach to the experience of their ASD/non ASD couplings and relationships.

[/quote] Millie
attwood talked about AS and the Cassandra thing at the seminar last week with isabelle henault. it was said in a balanced and very good way and it acknowledged BOTH sides of the relationship. It was not about demonising people with AS and excusing the behaviour of the non-AS partner.
[/quote]

Hey millie... I went to the Attwood and Isabelle Henault seminar on AS and relationships on Saturday with my wife. Thoroughly enjoyed what Isabelle had to say about AS and so did my wife. Tony's body language and voice made me somewhat aggitated, but his comments were interesting. Do wish he would loose the AS humour out of his performance, even my wife found it a little insensative. I realise it was directed at the NT females in the audience, who had an 'Axe to Grind' about there ex/current AS partner.

Found it ironic how both speakers commented that AS people should not be overloaded with information or conversation. Short periods of information delivery so they can process the message. Arghhhhhhhh, the semminar went from 9.00am - 4.30pm, I had to keep having short sleeps during some interesting comments.. By the end I was angry and stressed out, my wife was trying everything to calm me down and I drank a small bottle of ant-acid. I was tierce with her for bringing me to the seminar without knowing the length of time.

NEVER AGAIN!! !! !! !! !

BTW, totally agree with your comments in regards to relationships.

Aston is not selling it as an "effect," she is selling it as "disorder" caused by the "emotional deprivation" of having a partner with AS.

I am not saying that having a partner with AS and one without it can't cause relationship problems but here we have Aston inventing her own mental disorder that just happens to be exactly the same as SAD except it's caused by having a partner with Asperger's rather than by winter ... come on, is this really believable?


What on earth does that mean?

You sound ashamed to have AS.