Developing a personality and becoming "colorful"

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To me, elementary and middle school felt like prison. The difference was that, minus the actual inmates, I probably would have been happier inside of an actual prison. Prisons have no color, just the way I like it. Prisons have plain white walls and only functional furniture and utilities. In prisons, there are no decorations, unlike the tacky drawings, posters and noxious developmental propaganda that festooned the walls of my old schools. I like my milieu to be bare and plain and unadorned, as opposed to the tawdry mental-institution type colorful abortions that spangled the walls of Holman Middle School. My classmates, to my dismay. were unaffected by those tasteless surroundings, and my teachers would implore me to "express myself" and join the confused levity of my peers. But I decided I would never come out of my shell, even if just to spite them. In any case, even if I wanted to, I could not become the colorful, personable, sociable individual that they wanted me to become. When one of my teachers demanded that I use colored crayons for a drawing, I told her that I dreamed in black and white and I would not use color.

When I was a boy, I drew all of the time. But I only used black crayons or a black pen, and this, I know now, mirrored my drab AS personality. In those days, I only drew battle scenes from WW1(for two years I was obsessed with World War One and I thought of little else, much to the frustration of everyone around me.) But my teachers and parents would demand of me that I begin to cultivate some self-expression and show facets of a developing personality. If I would turn in a writing assignment where I did not divulge enough personal information about my variegated likes and interests to the teacher's satisfaction, I would be told be to go back and "correct" my work until I had given them the answers that they wanted to hear. I just couldn't write the happy, joyous, esteemable self-laudatory praise that was expected, and I was slapped with the no self-esteem tag. They just needed to make me one of those happy kids who would become an adjusted and "well-rounded" adult. It is expected of youths to be colorful, vibrant, enthusiastic people and show a zest for life. I would sit there for hours at my desk, racking my brain to no avail to come up with some sort of positive personality trait just so I could complete an assignment. Alas, I have no personality other than the dull, opaque, shell of a man I am. The cornerstone of my condition is the fact that I am a stoic and I have no personality. I have no likes, ambitions, goals or desires, other than a desire to date(only to assuage my need for female companionship.)

When I was younger, I would not stomach to wear all of those tacky outfits designed for little kids. I was expected to wear those shirts festooned with images of Power Rangers and such things, but I would only wear black or gray shirts and blue jeans. My parents demanded of me that I conform to what the other boys were doing and wearing but I felt that their outfits were far too tacky for me to copy. I wasn't interested in their Pogs or video games and I was much happier just being alone and reading a book. These days, I am still content to be alone for 98% of the time, but I still have a burning drive to date and I make a constant stream of awkward attempts to talk to girls. I hope one day I will get lucky and actually find someone to date, but I know that my lack of personality will make me polarizing and unattachable. At the slightest sign of weirdness or being different, normal girls run.

The problem is that, even if I want to date, I really don't want to and I won't put in the huge amount of effort and time it takes to become a well-rounded sociable person. Being a "Renaissance Man" with a legion of friends and a full schedule of social activities is a huge factor in becoming viable as a romantic partner, and being moderately socialized is essential. I don't want to make any male friends because that would be a huge drain of time and I don't really want to have to call them all of the time and go out and do stuff. Having friends or girlfriends is a two-way street; you have to put constant effort and maintenance in order to keep the relationship alive. I just would rather be pursuing my own personal interests as opposed to always calling people or "going-out" and socializing. Because of AS, there is no way I would be able to engage in more than one or two social activities per month before I would just get overwhelmed and I would have to retreat back to my base. "Friends" that I had made would forget about me because I would stop calling them and I wouldn't stay in touch the way an NT person would. Prospective girls that I could date are turned off by the fact that my social life is therefore non-existant and would rather have a "fun" guy that they can live with in the moment. Since I seem to be, at this moment, wallowing in a quagmire of self-loathing and depression, I will repel any girl who dares to get near me.

Getting a girlfriend, by itself, will not solve my problems. Even if I did go on a couple of dates, the likely scenario is that she would see the unambitious, solitary, sardonic man I really am and then she would leave me. My AS handicaps me and leaves me with a soulless mind and heart, but the realization is that I have to adapt to the real world to find any chance of dating. But for me to fully adapt to the NT world mean to sacrifice everything I really love such as my free-time and the hours I devote to my personal interests, in order to put myself out there functioning and socializing in order to become a viable romantic partner. This course of events is not an option for me since I hate people and I can not stomach being in public for very long. In order for me to date, I have to become an NT, and I cannot pretend for a second that I am one. When I try to pretend that I have a personality when I "flirt," women can see right through my awful facade. I don't even have the basis to build any sort of uniqueness of life or style, because I was born as an octogenarian breathing corpse who is just a body with no soul. When I have to try and convince other people that I am some sort of special snowflake, it is like trying to dance the steps without any rhythm, and that reality has been painfully true for my whole life.

The anger I felt when I would see guys who tormented me arm and arm with girls who I had the most hopeless crush on was indescribable. I cried out to God and implored to him to help me. I was so miserable, but, not knowing I had AS and what was at the source of my struggles, I was powerless to change my circumstances. I said, "Why can't that be me with my arm around her? What did I do to be cursed to be this way?" For 22 years, rage and anger flooded me as I was unable to carve out any sort of niche for myself. I saw all of the hot girls I liked off with other guys and I was helpless to do anything for myself. Two years ago, when I bludgeoned my Commanding Officer within an inch of my life, I felt 22 years of hate escape from me in nine swift blows of my fist. All of the pain from teasing, taunting, punishments, and bullying finally came out of me. For years I just took all that was dealt to me, because I just figured that it was my lot in life to be a punching bag for my more capable acquaintances. But I was just so tired of being a joke, of being humiliated, used, rejected, scorned, and denied.

I would have done 20 years at Ft. Leavenworth had it not been for the timely discovery of AS. But even since it has now been about 18 months since I was diagnosed, I have been unable to really change anything about my life despite knowing what causes my problems. After I first found out I was autistic, I thought surely I would be able to use a new perspective in order to start dating and function in life. But the sad truth is that it is still the same world. My colorlessness has me branded as an untouchable in this colorful world. All America is today is superficial color and decoration, tawdry advertisements and the desire to 'be all that we can be." In this world, I have no place. Getting diagnosed did not change anything about me that I didn't already know was wrong with me. I can not reconcile myself with the many things I need to change about myself in order to have a chance at dating. I will still try and ask out alot of girls in the hope that I find a compatible partner, but I won't spend hours in a bar and take away from my needed personal time. If such things are these that I have to change about my life in order to "adapt" to the NT world, than I would sooner be dead. I might have had more desire to "be normal" when I was a teen, but without knowing that I had AS, I was unable to take any steps in the right direction.

Those teachers were asking me to "express myself," in the same way that people now tell me that I have to develop a personality. Nothing has changed; it is still the same supplication to "look up," and view the glass as half-full. If I really had the power to change, I would change in a heartbeat and I would no longer have AS and be free of this curse forever. Strive as I might, I will never be able to meet the life standards set for NT people. No one is going to change me, make me normal, or "take me under their wing." All of the demands in the world by teachers, parents, or people on the internet will have no effect on me because I am who I am. If someone doesn't like it, than tough.

This post makes me feel quite sad. You mention that you're mired in "self-loathing and depression" at the moment, and that clearly comes through in your writing. I'm sorry you're feeling that way, but I guess it's understandable that your experiences have left you feeling very negative. I hope you're seeing a therapist for help with your depression.

Not everyone has an outgoing or "colorful" personality, Brusilov. I'm NT, and I certainly don't, nor do many of my friends, NT or otherwise. That doesn't mean that you're soulless or heartless, just that you don't display your feelings openly or wish to draw attention to yourself.

There are lots of quiet, serious-minded young women who aren't attracted to superficial, party-loving men. (I used to be one- I'm middle-aged now and happily married to a quiet, non-social husband.) I think you've mentioned that you'll be studying law soon; law is certainly a profession that attracts some serious people. Perhaps you'll meet some compatible women in your classes.

As you can see here on WP, a lot of people with AS form happy relationships, so please don't assume that you're doomed to a loveless life because of your condition. You're clearly intelligent and feel things deeply- those are qualities that many women will find attractive, regardless of how "colorful" or otherwise you may be.

I wish you luck and hope that you find someone soon. Jenny

is not having a persoanlity something to do with as? Cuz i've been told i have a good personality. and also is every1 with as expected to only have nerdy friends? I don't get this cuz my friends love me and i know it and we do s**t we're not supposed to. Amd ya I KNOW I HAVE AS. got diagnosed when i was 2. So have no memory of when i didn't know i had it. Also, the self-hating As people (don't like the word aspie either-we're not snakes), they remind me of that cop from boyz in da hood.