Self-Esteem

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There's things I like about myself, loads I hate about myself, and loads more I hate about actually BEING myself.

Just allowing myself to be myself, regardless of my current living situation has raised my Self-Esteem, tremendously. My Self-Esteem was actually very crappy for a little over a year. I used to measure my Self-Worth based on how many Chores I could do, in how little time. I've also had this crazy idea that the only way that I could be who I truly am, was if I was living on my own. That was before December, when I didn't even like myself, enough to get to know who I truly was. All that mattered to me, that I kept to myself and that my Obsessions were Top Secret. I couldn't grasp the notion of being myself, because I've pretended to be Austin Powers, for a little over 8 years, before I've seen the light. It might not be the light that Hippies talk about, but my light is my own special light. Than I've decided to see what would happen, if I did allow my Obsessions to show, and for me to be myself. My Self-Esteem went up. It was a bumpy ride, at first. My Mom was a little callous about my Routemaster Obsession, in the beginning, asking me how many pictures I could print of one thing. And I did threaten to do all the NT things that my Younger Sister who's NT does, like listen to the latest Pop Music, dress in the Latest Fashions, even though they're Skin-Tight, or Hippie-Dippy, do that Female NT Talk, like the clueless 13 Year Old Valley Girl. My Mom saw my pain and she told me that Christmas was supposed to be fun, and I've almost told her to make it fun and accept The Real Me. That was a few days after Christmas and there was a New Years Party at my Clubhouse, the very next night, so I've bucked-up like a Bronco very quickly and I took the Flack. I've learned that if I'm going to open up and bare my Soul to people that I should expect a few hurt feelings, over the first little while. Thankfully, that first little while was very short-lived. Now I feel free to be me.

Currently, myself esteem is ranging from moderate to high. However, for the most of my self esteem it has been a roller coaster. It has a with a few highpoints and long bouts of depression and lonely times for nearly twenty years. I tend to view that a painful period in my life as a time that I want to ever experience again. I have a tendency to sabotage and create problems for myself especially when things happen to going well in my life. Once I found out that I have AS, I have been able to maintain high self esteem with by focusing in being a positive environment with strong circle friends. While I know that thse past 5 months will not last forever, I am doing my best to be postive and stay focused on my goals.

I voted "high"
But if I had voted before I knew I was autistic it would have been "sh***y!! !"

I said "moderate". It seems like my self-esteem has improved a lot in the past few years. I'm as weird as I ever was, but I can finally a) accept that and b) focus on what my strengths are.

I go overboard sometimes, and I don;t think anyone gets the experience I get . Sometimes I feal powerful enough to punch a hole through metal. I don;t think it can more intense than that. I don;t actually believe that or even attempt, I was trying to give you an idea of how intense it can get.

Mine's terrible at the moment, because I just had an experience that reminded me that no matter how good you feel about yourself, walking out of a room where people you thought were your friends are laughing at you will make you feel like s**t.

My self-esteem was low all through my teen years because I was overweight and thought I was unlovable. Then I lost my virginity to a great guy at twenty-one. ( 3:35-5:05 AM on the 2nd Sunday of October 1994 ) It took about another year or so to get used to the idea that I could successfully pick up other guys, even good-looking ones. ESPECIALLY good-looking ones, matter of fact. Just like the guy who when asked "Why do you rob banks?" answered "Because that's where the money is," I've learned that good-looking people are the ones who f*ck. Since then, my self esteem's been average, I guess. Higher in some areas than others, but overall, moderate.

Sorry to hear this, Elanivalae. Have you talked to any of these people since then? At the risk of sounding cornball, are you sure they were laughing AT you, not WITH you? Laughter is a common, near-instinctive reaction to shock and surprise (when a more basic survival action isn't called for). Study jokes a little, and you will soon see that an element of the unexpected is a nearly universal fixture. And when you are shocked and everyone around you is laughing, it's hard to keep from joining in. If whatever it was that happened is something that theoretically might have necessitated getting you an ambulance, for example, the body gets all stressed up and goes into fight-or-flight mode. Then, if it becomes apparent there's nothing really to do, the adrenaline-filled body insists it needs to do SOMETHING, and laughter can be the result.

Also, I don't know your age, but people in the early teen years have a horrible tendency to assume everything around them is ABOUT THEM. It's called "adolescent egocentrism," and is a side-product somehow of the forming of a self-identity separate from the parents at around this age. ("Infantile egocentrism" is the other big developmental egocentrism, where a baby starts forming a self-identity from observing that it screams, then someone else feeds or changes it.) It is notoriously difficult to get early teens to grok that just because they are involved in a situation, doesn't mean the situation was ABOUT THEM.

I'm not an adolescent, and this happened at work. It was not a situation where someone could possibly have been laughing with me, unfortunately -- I believe it had to do with something I was wearing. I have talked to one of the people since then, and she made a somewhat feeble excuse about them having been cruelly laughing at someone else, which doesn't exactly fill me with confidence. :/

Ooh, exhibiting personality in the workplace, danger danger.

Well, I'm glad it was a fashion emergency and not something more serious, and I hope you're feeling better now. I'm presuming you just got embarrassed for a day, not reduced to pariah status.


Wait... it wasn't Bjork, was it? You can't go around with dead animals wrapped around your neck anymore. Very un-P.C. You're lucky no one tossed red paint on you, if that's the case. People take offence at such trivial things these days.

It wasn't even a fashion emergency, according to other people who saw what I was wearing. So I don't know what the problem was, and I conclude they were just being typically stupid. I just have a long a painful history of being laughed at for some mysterious reason I can't identify, so it kind of set off an emotional chain reaction. :/ I'm doing a bit better today. I've passed from the "sad" stage to the "righteous indignation" stage, which always helps. xD