What your parents did right

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I have a question for those on the spectrum. Can you please tell me what thing (or things) your parent did absolutely right, that made a big difference for you? How did they best support you and best allow you to grow and thrive?

On the flop side, what things did they do with good intentions (or otherwise I suppose) that were a mistake?

My 20 month old son was diagnosed with ASD less than two weeks ago. I am trying to figure out the best way for us to love and raise him, and help him to thrive. I'd love to have the experience of those who went before me and actually were on the receiving end of the attempt to help.

If there are any parents who want to share stories I'd be interested in hearing those as well.

Thanks all.

I'm going to get into trouble for this I know.

What they did right: get my AS label removed just as I entered High School.

After that I was just viewed as an ordinary kid.
People (generally) treated me better socially.
I learned to take responsibility for my own actions.
I wasn't talked down to or condescended by support staff or teachers (generally).
They treated me with less negativity.
They only said negative things if I'd made a mistake on my work, not that I "wasn't being social enough".
They looked at what I could do, not what I couldn't.
My grades improved a hundred fold.
I was allowed to go on school trips alone.
I was allowed to take part in extra-curricular activities and PE.

This was in a very good learning environment though.
Perhaps if I'd been somewhere else (perhaps a less inclusive environment), I wouldn't have fared as well.

As far as my old High School was concerned, the entire human race was on a spectrum. The school saw people as individuals with individual needs. They didn't subscribe to the idea of gratuitous labeling.


People believing in me was important.

Note: This was a long time ago and I'm female.

I'm struggling socially now.
And have no real clue where I fit into all of this.

If only the label hadn't carried so much negativity and made other people afraid!


There are more sensible ways with dealing with all of this I'm sure.

Nothing. Not a single thing. I was left to figure everything out on my own. My parents were there to make me clean the kitchen table, make my bed, and take out the trash. They never taught me anything. They took no effort to understand my special interests and had no idea I had AS. I was a "strange kid" according to my dad and I was often blamed for my AS traits.

Actually there was one thing I'm grateful for. I attended the same 9-12 prep school most other kids in my extended family attended. (Gotta love tradition.) The tough curriculum was a big shock coming in from a public school and I did pretty badly the first year. I considered transferring but my parents talked me out of it. I ended up graduating with honors and what I learned there became indispensable later in life. That 10 minute conversation that changed my mind in August of 1989 was the only thing they ever did for me that had any positive impact on my life.

I did get home tutoring in math from my Dad. I didn't do very well (I hate math), but it was a good approach.

What my parents did correctly :

1.)They reached out in whatever ways they knew in order to obtain vital services--although admittedly this was easier for our family, as my parents used connections related to their fields.(dad is a university professor and mom is a dental hygienist)

2.)They distinguished between spectrum specific and universal human traits.

3.)They recognized where I had ability and took steps to develop them.On the other hand, they also saw where I had difficulty-- and taught me ways to work around them.

4.)They did not have to have the last word in an argument, but they did have a lasting word.

5.)When I came up with my own ideas about what I could do to cope, to survive, they allowed me to try any number of unorthodox methods--just so long as it wasn't dangerous or unhygienic. Come to think of it, they never wrote off anything purely on the grounds that it was unusual.

These and more have given me sufficient confidence to allow the world to be as beautiful,cruel, indifferent, and goddamn crazy as it's gonna be!

Disclaimer, I am not diagnosed officially, but not exactly self-diagnosed either. (I was told to look into it by 4 different people, one with a masters in physchology studying AS, one who is about to get his B.Sc. in psychology, and works in an autism lab, one who has an AS sibling, and one who lives with a person with AS. I did some reading and am looking into getting an official diagnosis. See my blog for more information about me.)

My parents did a lot of things wrong, but looking back, some of the things they did were very helpful for me now that I'm in college.

First, they made me responsible. I had to do my own laundry from the time I could reach the top of hte top load washer on a stool (sometime between age 4 and 5). I had to clean, and cook, and set and clear the table, and do all sorts of things. These life skills that were developed at a very early age have been extremely valuable to me now that I'm in college. I find that I can function independently better than my peers because of all this extra time and practice I got. (Albeit, I still can't function on a social level at all, but on a basic survival level, I am way past everyone else.) By giving me lots of chores, my parents held me accountable for my actions and if I forgot to do laundry, it was my own fault if I didn't have clean clothes, etc.

Also, they raised me in a very structured and rules-oriented environment. This went to an extreme with me, because I am so rules oriented already, and I didn't know how to question the rules. However that structure was very helpful for me, though as I got older, it would've helped if my parents had taught me how to appropriately bend and break rules without just saying "The rules don't apply to you". Why don't they apply to me? I don't get it? If they had been less controlling and less rules-oriented as I grew up and outgrew some of the rules, or just changed them accordingly, that would've been better for me, but the structure that they provided has helped me to be a very good student.

I was a kid in the 60's and 70's before the DX existed, so whatever they did for me was inadvertent, but here goes...

I had chores and responsibilities... picking up the dog dirt, washing dishes alternating nights, cleaning my room, babysitting my siblings, setting and clearing the table the nights I wasn't washing the dishes... thus I learned to take care of myself. If I didn't get my chores done (to much childhood resistance and sullenness, I can now see) I didn't get my allowance. Short and simple.

I think it was very fortunate I didn't grow up with computers... reading many of the posts in this forum, I see a real dependence problem. I read, ran around the countryside (we lived in the country), and bounced on our trampoline. As near as I can tell, I got into all the usual stuff kids my age did... I just tended to do it solo. My mother was busy with my siblings, so she didn't pressure me much about not having friends, so in many ways I was a happy kid, if I wasn't at home (because my mother was a screaming yelling Aspie and my dad an alcoholic). They also let me pursue my special interest... horses. So after school I went to the stable and messed with my horse (this was after we moved to town: 8th grade on). Because I was so into that, I didn't much miss my lack of dates or friends at school. I had friends at the stable and we all talked horses, shows, and tack, endlessly. And we rode our lessons together... that occupied a lot of time; we were together, but not socially interacting.

I think it also kept me out of a lot of trouble. And my mother didn't have to put up with my adolescent attitude... phew!

I was expected to be a normal kid, so I learned to drive, vacuum, watch my baby brother who is non-verbal autist. I didn't learn to cook at home because my mother was soooo controlling in the kitchen--you're not stirring that right!--and loud I flat refused. No way on god's little green earth... but I learned to cook when I moved away from home because I had to and I had sufficient self-confidence to try. I knew that one makes mistakes in the process of learning, so I kept trying and now I'm one heck of a good cook... though I always use a recipe.

I was fortunate also in that my sensory overwhelm is fairly mild... sunglasses for the bright sun, avoiding loud, crowded places (of which there were few in the country) and my family was always in such an uproar, my own meltdowns didn't stand out much. Not that I'm recommending you duplicate that bit.

I didn't realize I was so lame socially until much later in life... so I didn't have near the social anxiety that comes with the AS label. I always just sort of barrelled along, falling flat, getting up, going OK, falling flat, getting up.... After many failed relationships, I'm in a wonderful one now.

Hope that's a help.

My best advice is treat them like a normal kid like their no different

No limitations- let them believe they can do anything. Help them with social skills early on- ASAP.

Help them learn to cope with bullies.

As long as I was trying and/or succeeding in school and doing my share of the chores, and nobody was in danger, my parents pretty much let me and the siblings follow our own interests, make things out of sticks, spend hours in our room, run around in the woods, or whatever. My parents also went through their major interests over the years. This was way before the diagnosis was available, we were just all varying degrees of odd or silly.

That was one thing they were unsuccessful at. Telling me to "ignore them" was well-intentioned but not useful. When it happened to my own kid in school we were persistent and eventually, after a number of years, got it stopped effectively with the help of school people. Stick to your guns when your kid is getting harassed!

My mother did a lot of good for me. Apart from the fact I was raised as a Christian I think she did a great job (and she is accepting of me now even though I am an atheist). Some of the good things included:

-tutoring me at home from a young age outside of school hours in maths and English. This put me ahead at school and I enjoyed it a lot
-made me do chores and cooking. This made me more responsible
-encouraged me to leave home young - again this was good for me learning to take on responsibility. I left home at 19.
-before high school got me to sit scholarship tests and gifted program tests. I ended up in a gifted program where I could skip a year of high school and I was in a class of other students that did well at school. I was bullied less in high school and only by people outside of the class
-never forced me into a career or degree I was not interested in and supported me in whatever I chose to do

My dad and I are now estranged (long story). He did do a few good things though in that he put me off a lot of things that might have had a negative impact on my life as I saw what it did to him (drugs, alcohol, staying in unhealthy relationships and taking on excessive debt).

What they did right...

They never told me there was anything wrong with me. Actually, my mom didn't even bother to tell me I had autism after I was diagnosed. (And I don't think she talked about it much to other people, either.) I only found out when I was 20 and asked her about all the weird tests I'd had to take when I was a kid. She never treated me delicately or went easy on me because I was different. She just treated me normal. But she did help when I needed it and she stood up for me.

Also, they sent me to private school for a few years. (grade 7-9) That was awesome. It was a sort of all-inclusive school for kids who didn't really fit in. The teachers paid more attention, so I wasn't just lost and frustrated all the time like I'd been in public school. (The school in this documentary reminded me of it a lot: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJGfQ-0c ... re=related It's a little sad, but I think that's probably because it's a documentary so they wanted it it be dramatic, and also because kids that age are angsty in the first place. So don't be discouraged by it if you watch it, ehe.)

But I think it's good that I went to a lot of public school too. It would have been no good to not know how to interact with regular kids, you know? But some advice you might want to give him when he's older, if he has problems talking to people: it's usually better to just listen and observe most of the time, and not say too much at a time, until you're really sure of what you're going to say. That's the easiest way to not get embarrassed and teased for saying or doing something weird.

Anyway, good luck!

The most striking thing in childhood was they allowed me the freedom to be myself and have as much time as I wanted with my interests. They did not force socialisation upon me, or stringent rules and social etiquette. They allowed me to explore and climb all over the furniture, all over the house, play outdoors, and be silly. They would also allow me to hit out at them and other adults whenever they tried to sneak physical affection onto me; they would simply find it amusing. There was structure in that I always knew when mealtimes, bedtime, bathtime, laundry day etc. would be. They also allowed me to get away with never buying them gifts or cards, or offering social or emotional gestures; that simply wasn't me. There were only basic rules.

The next best thing they did in my childhood was provide access to structured extra-curricular activities I quite enjoyed.

My mother randomly insisted to the teachers that I take Latin at school. Good move.

They were not in any way "helicopter parents."

Even if I'd had a label growing up, I know they would not have treated me differently or put any emphasis on it.




They failed to teach me basic life skills and did not compensate for it with extra support. They were also somewhat oblivious to safety issues; for example, allowing me to walk home alone down deserted alleyways in the dark.

They rarely conversed with me.

They were not active enough in supporting my interests. For instance, when I became interested in a subject, they would only buy me one book on it, and it had to suffice indefinitely. They also did not help me purchase a telescope, even though I was unable to work and they could have afforded it. Astronomy was one of my strongest interests and often a means of interacting with others, and so this would have been extremely beneficial to me.

They failed to have any real concern about my social and sensory issues. I was on my own with them my entire life, not understanding them.


Adolescence was when they made some huge mistakes. My mother started frequently criticising and teasing, destroying my self-esteem. They provided no practical support or advice. I was abandoned and ignored during the most difficult developmental phase and have been ever since.

The good things:

* My mother often encouraged me to follow my special interests (if she saw a real world advantage at least).

* She listened. Seriously. Best thing you can do as parent. If your child wants to talk to you because she/he feels bad, unplug the phone and listen. I am so thankful that she did that.

* My parents put me into a normal school. Yes, there were a**h***s and bullies, but seeing where other pupils of the special ed primary school (not Asperger related) I attended are now, I am thankful.

* My parents accepted some of my sensory issues.

* allowing me freedom. Not many people visited Socialist Events in another state (well, Bundesland) at the age I did.

The well-thought but bad things:

* attempting to correct the way I walk. My father always lost his temper with me whe he saw me walking up to a rather high age. I am still afraid to walk when I am sure that people will watch.

* forcing me to socialise. I didn't. I would hide in my own thoughts or annoy everyone around, maing me even more unpopular.

* always nagging that I should leave the PC and go outside. Fresh air does not cure the lack of desire to socialise (at that time, I wasn't DXed, so the couldn't know about Asperger's, they still tried to cure the fact that I was a loner)

* Taking me to the carnival (in Cologne), I had my first major meltdown there. Seriously. How loud can partying people be?

* Camping vacations... I need more privacy than i can have in a caravan with my entire family.

Sex.

Everything else is just nurture, and nature kills that every time.

Or is that, what did my parents do wrong? Ha ha ha.

Self-diagnosed here (someone actually called it "self-suspected"... I like that better).

The greatest single thing my parents did was to support me and let me be me. One teacher suggested that I should be tested but they refused. I was lucky in that my symptoms were very light and was able to cope and adapt on my own. They didn't always understand why I was the way I was, but they accepted it unquestionably.

I would also say that not growing up with the knowledge that I was on the spectrum was extremely valuable. I knew I wasn't exactly "normal" but I didn't have to sort through the idea that I had a disorder.

My advice would be to not tell your child about the diagnosis until he turns 18... unless he really starts struggling and you think it would be to his overall benefit to know. Not everyone will agree with me on this point, but I honestly believe I would have turned out much worse if I had grown up with a label attached.

Thanks so much for the great responses. It's amazing to read how different the experiences of everyone has been. It angers me to read about those parents that offered no (or little) support and love.

Thank you for sharing.

I look forward to seeing the responses of others as well.