Confidence

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Is it possible for a person to lack confidence without realising it themselves? Other people say I appear to lack confidence but what they see as a lack of confidence in me is what id interpret as 'me being honest about my shortcomings' or 'me being logical about a given situation'. Im honest about what im not good at, but I dont speak about what I am good at since one time at about age seven I shared an accomplishment of mine with a friend and was told off by an adult for boasting. Id feel wrong going around saying im brilliant at things because I really value modesty. I think some also think that my behaviour in social situations and that kinda thing looks as if I lack confidence but I dont feel as if I do.

Could I lack confidence without realising it? Is that even possible? Do any of you get this from people?

Yeah, sounds familiar

Happens to me too, and I know another person who also acts like this.

No, I don't think it's lack of confidence, it is simply a different view of the world. Some people see the risks and don't take them, others don't see (or prefer not to think of them) and act as if everything is going to be allright.

Well, sometimes the first kind might think later on "well, maybe I could have done that". Sometimes the second kind will think "hell, messed up again". Sometimes either will tell "told ya, it (did not) work!".

Life is, after all, unpredictable, and sometimes you are right, sometimes the other side is right

I wouldn't think so, no. If you truly lacked confidence, you would know. I think you're just being honest about what you can and can't do. There's nothing wrong with modesty; in fact, the world has far too little of it.

Regards,

Patricia

I agree with the above posts, you're just modest.

I have been told that I'm not good at receiving compliments (even though I honestly like getting those) because I often don't know how to respond to them, so I usually don't, not even with a 'thank you'. This can go either way: people may think I'm arrogant and overconfident, or they might think I lack self-confidence.

Well, if you were confident, they would have called you overconfident and that tend to get people annoyed, stick with what you've got there.

I'm very confident in familiar settings. At work for example I'm assertive, confident, and I look like I know what I'm doing.

But drop me into a new social situation, or have me talk to a pretty lady, and I turn into an insecure bumbling idiot.

It's good that you are confident in yourself. You need that first before others see you as confident. So that's not your issue.


Interesting. You are not at all confident about showing confidence. You're afraid you're going to come off as arrogant. I would suggest that this is at the heart of your problem.

Funny how our childhood experiences can so dramatically shape us, isn't it? I think we're especially susceptible from adult input because many of us don't really grow up with peer pressure. We are much more likely to relate to adults and take what they say very much to heart.


Modesty is a very good thing to value. I strive to be a humble person, yet people think I'm very confident. Here's how I do it:

1. I'm assertive and opinionated, but I also try to be respectful of other viewpoints. I make it clear that I'm listening to others and letting them get their viewpoints in.
2. I talk less about my accomplishments and more about my perspective, using accomplishments as supporting arguments rather than something to just list off.
3. I walk fairly assertively, holding my head up and shoulders back if necessary.
4. My eye contact is at least passable. Usually I'm careful to greet someone with eye contact. After that it is less important, though if I am making a point, I make eye contact again.
5. Accepting praise has always been a weak point. I love it when someone praises me, but I get really uncomfortable about it because it puts me in a position to have to say something. What do you say? I've found that downplaying the praise ("No big deal, just doing my job") or simplying saying "thank you" always suffice.

Hope this helps!

Professionals and myself and those who know me best know I'm confident, the rest of the world thinks I'm super insecure.

Very extremely insecure, it's what most people think (unless they're scared about my autistic behaviour).

My autism makes me appear insecure when I'm not.

I love fiddlerpianist's list because it clearly shows some of my problems. It's a great thing that talks about many points that could be a problem to those with some form of autism.

I too am assertive and I know exactly where my priorities are and I clearly know what I want but I struggle to appear respectful though I feel respectful and I often fail at making it clear that iI'm listening to others.



My give-and-take and all that is noticeably impaired by my autism.



Due to my autism, I do not walk, talk, look and such like other people. I faked a lot, but the details people subconsciously notice (though they are unable to point them out). This is one of the biggest reasons why people think I'm strange and insecure.



I have good eye-contact now. I had none before because eyes = whatever, who cares? People around me though thought my lack of eye-contact meant I was afraid to look them in the eye.



I found most people have a deficient perspective of their surroundings and thus of my accomplishments and failures. I often get praised for mediocre performance whereas my true successes are disregarded. I protest then and they think I am shy to be praised for good performances when that is not correct. Also, I found explaining in depth about anything including yourself and your performance turns the brains of people mushy and they don't understand you and conclude that you're being insecure and irrational for not accepting their illogical non-sense praise.


Most interesting though is that you can fulfil all of these (society even teaches you to!) and have about zero confidence still.

People are mad concerning confidence, really.

Frankly, I struggle with it, too. I have this tendency to interrupt before someone has made their point, but usually I catch myself doing it, back up a bit by saying, "I'm sorry, go ahead," rather than plowing straight through. Sometimes I listen; sometimes I don't.


I actually have a funny "bounce" to my walk that most people don't have, and I walk extremely fast. I think people see it as a little odd, but somehow it's "good" odd instead of "bad" odd.


Yes, that's very true, especially at work. I often get praised for the absolute easiest things in the world, yet the stuff I really put my heart and soul into goes relatively unnoticed. That comes with having a different vision of the world than most. But hey... I'll take praise in some form. They recognize that I have a lot to contribute here, even if it's applied to the wrong details. That's tons better than my former employer, who seemed to think I was worthless (they paid me to leave!)


Yes, that's because you are your own worst critic. It took me a long while to realize that when people see things in you that they want to praise, it's because they think it's praiseworthy. Your opinion doesn't factor into it.

Think about it this way. You go see a performance of some kind and you are absolutely blown away by it. Afterwards, you go up to the performer to express your appreciation. Say in response she rolled her eyes and said, "Oh my god, that was awful. I forgot half of what I was supposed to do and was in the wrong place half the time. How can you possibly have enjoyed yourself?" That would probably make you feel somewhat embarrassed for enjoying it ("Yeah, she's right.. I don't really have a right to appreciate that. Obviously I don't know very much about the genre.") or possibly angry ("Well, darnit... I enjoyed it. What right does she have to tell me that I shouldn't have?") You might afterwards think, "Wow, that person has some confidence issues..."

That's why it's best to simply accept the praise humbly and keep your opinions about misplaced praise to yourself. It's incredibly hard, because it's easy to be critical of yourself and feel like the rest of the world should be, too.

I think I should really try this some more. So, from today on, I'll just try and see how it works out.

I can relate. The business of "selling yourself" is not my strong suit. It always seems stilted/hokey to me. I don't understand why honesty isn't good enough.

Maybe it's partly my negative attitude as well. I'm highly critical of everything. I find it easier to criticize and shoot down others than accept praise or feel proud of myself.

I can really identify myself with the posts written above me.

I guess the 'lack' of confidence also has to do with the aspie low self-esteem, I just don't see the 'good' thing about what I have done or made, to me it was just an easy job.



Edit:

ah crap the lag caused me to this being post 3 times, sorry.

Last edited by Raschu on 23 Jun 2009, 1:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can really identify myself with the posts written above me.

I guess the 'lack' of confidence also has to do with the aspie low self-esteem, I just don't see the 'good' thing about what I have done or made, to me it was just an easy job.

I can really identify myself with the posts written above me.

I guess the 'lack' of confidence also has to do with the aspie low self-esteem, I just don't see the 'good' thing about what I have done or made, to me it was just an easy job.

I can do this really well. That's probably why interviews and 1:1 interaction on a first/few meetings really work out well for me.

I just don't understand why I should sell myself all the time. I get too confused about it and do not know how to sell myself while having obvious deficits that are in stark contrast to my abilities and what I claim I can do (and can do indeed under the right circumstances).

I don't lie about my strengths of course, it's just that people seem to expect me to be all-around perfect due to the strengths I have and abilities I display and talk about when actually I have both these strengths and the severe deficits that are incomprehensible unless you are experienced in autism.

Being confident is a hard thing for some but not for others and actually showing that confidence is often a fickle thing if you're autistic and have severely impaired social skills.