Do you unintentionaly drive away friends?

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Brittany2907
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09 Jul 2009, 10:06 pm

I unintentionally drove away friends when I was at high school. I knew some people there from my intermediate school but for some reason, I just wasn't good enough for them anymore. They found new friends and didn't talk to me anymore, and some started being mean to me. I have no doubt that this was because of my 'weirdness'. They were at high school and wanted to be seen around the 'cool people' and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't live up to the social expectations.
Soon I stopped trying and was alone everyday at school. I believe this pushed people away from me more because no one wanted to approach me, they didn't know what to say to me because I was so quiet and they didn't know anything about me. I didn't realize this at the time though.

Since high school I haven't had any real life friends, only online friends and I've almost ruined a few of those friendships as well.


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Justin6378
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09 Jul 2009, 10:20 pm

Sometimes when I talk to people I go into autopilot and say things before i've thought about it, which sometimes makes them mad 8O
I've even been known to laugh when being yelled at! :lol:


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TheDoctor82
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10 Jul 2009, 10:34 pm

I've come to realize that when friends leave my life, it wasn't something that was meant to last beyond a certain point.

I recently lost another close friend of mine, after an argument we had. Then I read her Facebook profile, and she seemed really hurt over the incident...but mentioned that she wanted the "old" me, not the me that currently exists, and it's been driving her nuts for a while.

I didn't comment or anything. I figured it was best left as it was, and just for us both to move on with our lives.

I also told my other friends & girlfriend not to say anything..just to leave things as is. They all agreed.



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11 Jul 2009, 7:59 am

:cry: All of this is very familiar territory so I suppose you should add me to the list. One moment I'm good friends with someone and (in my mind) building them up and the next moment we have a silly argument and because I'm afraid to look them in the face I avoid them.

So sad.

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11 Jul 2009, 9:51 am

pschristmas wrote:
I'm another one who drives people away by disappearing on them, though. I've lost a number of friends because I pulled away for a time. They think it's because I don't care about them, but really it's just that I need time to myself. I never know when it's going to happen, so I can't warn anyone and then I feel bad about reconnecting with them after so long.


This one might have a lot to do with why Aspie's lose friends. Being on the other side of this, I haven't heard from my friend in over 5 weeks now. Not one email though I've sent many. It's sending the message "I'm angry and I don't want to talk to you". Silence is a powerful thing. It sends the emotions all over the place. Even when you know about the problem, living through it hard.

My suggestion would be if you are in a "shut down" period, try to send one email to say you need time alone. If you can't do it, have someone else who will do it for you. You could always write something when you feel in a good place and save it, something generic then copy/paste to people later when you don't feel like talking. That one email might save your friendship.


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Photon
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11 Jul 2009, 10:35 am

Just recently I had attended a work training day which involved meeting new people, some foreign and hoping to impress the instructor. However when we left the training facility for lunch a freindly group had formed with the exclusion of me. I attempted to participate but realised that a circle had formed which left me so called hanging behind, they continued walking ahead without me and I realised with embarrasment that I was on my own with that familiar feeling of rejection.
While they travelled into town, I was left outside the training facility. I quickly found a cubicle in the toilet of which to reflect the event.

It wasn't the rejection which had left me feeling inadequate and at fault, it was not knowing what I had done and hoping that I hadn't formed the same opinion at the person I was hoping to impress.

Knowing that I was faced wth the negativity of the group, I attempted to use the other side of my personality usually only reserved at people I know and can trust.
Fortunatly the previous opinion of me was replaced with something that they liked, and quickly found the group sessions with the inclusion of me in it.

Often I use personality techniques, either the too quiet, or the too loud in order to be accepted. Or the too miserable/angry or the too soft/happy.
I can never know whether which is the right expression/personality to use in order to prevent anyone from feeling uncomfortable around me.



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11 Jul 2009, 11:01 am

Photon wrote:
Just recently I had attended a work training day which involved meeting new people, some foreign and hoping to impress the instructor. However when we left the training facility for lunch a freindly group had formed with the exclusion of me. I attempted to participate but realised that a circle had formed which left me so called hanging behind, they continued walking ahead without me and I realised with embarrasment that I was on my own with that familiar feeling of rejection.
While they travelled into town, I was left outside the training facility. I quickly found a cubicle in the toilet of which to reflect the event.

It wasn't the rejection which had left me feeling inadequate and at fault, it was not knowing what I had done and hoping that I hadn't formed the same opinion at the person I was hoping to impress.

Knowing that I was faced wth the negativity of the group, I attempted to use the other side of my personality usually only reserved at people I know and can trust.
Fortunatly the previous opinion of me was replaced with something that they liked, and quickly found the group sessions with the inclusion of me in it.

Often I use personality techniques, either the too quiet, or the too loud in order to be accepted. Or the too miserable/angry or the too soft/happy.
I can never know whether which is the right expression/personality to use in order to prevent anyone from feeling uncomfortable around me.


I do something similar to that sometimes. Like I know people aren't feeling me in a situation, so I'll continue to play dumb to try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time, it works out pretty well because I am one of those people that most people like once they get to know me. Only once did it go ugly, and some grown woman threatened to stab me with her fork. The FBI fired her not because she was psychotic, but because her boyfriend is a criminal or drug dealer or something. It still makes me nervous that the FBI would employ a psychotic person like that though, although give the crazy b!tch a fork and she'll bring Bin Laden down.



b9
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11 Jul 2009, 12:27 pm

Quote:
Do you unintentionaly drive away friends


no. i "unintentionally" ring a taxi for them.



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11 Jul 2009, 12:58 pm

Photon wrote:
Knowing that I was faced wth the negativity of the group, I attempted to use the other side of my personality usually only reserved at people I know and can trust.
Fortunatly the previous opinion of me was replaced with something that they liked, and quickly found the group sessions with the inclusion of me in it.

Often I use personality techniques, either the too quiet, or the too loud in order to be accepted. Or the too miserable/angry or the too soft/happy.
I can never know whether which is the right expression/personality to use in order to prevent anyone from feeling uncomfortable around me.
Was that 'personality switch' you made right then and there, the 'too loud' one as opposed to the 'too quiet' one? To me, it seems like a very daring thing to do, to open up a part of you which you say is normally reserved for people you really trust, so I would imagine that if that part of your personality is showing, it wouldn't be an 'extreme' but rather your 'core' personality? At any rate, I never have the guts to show a side of me that's reserved to those closest to me.

Also a nod to Butterflair for her insightful observations.



I remember driving friends and other loved ones away, or creating distance between me and them, but for other reasons.. In my early teens, I had grown convinced that I was a truly unpleasant person incapable of feeling true friendship or love. So I went through a period of pushing my friends away from me mostly because I was afraid of hurting them. This was repaired by the time I started my final year of secondary school, however. Now, I have lost contact with my old friends, but that's a different story...


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Shaqn
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11 Jul 2009, 11:09 pm

I don't know if it's called "driving away" in my case because I just tend to lose contact with people very quickly. If we're not in a social place like school or work, there is very little chance of me getting into contact with them. I used to be anxious with initiating friendships and things to do, but now it seems as if although I yearn for them sometimes, I'm usually content with just being alone. I think what it is is that I'd rather control how much social interaction I have to a tee.



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12 Jul 2009, 10:42 am

Yeah I have, especially when I tend to fall out of contact with them and generally is never intentional but I'll be happy by myself for a while and unaware of other stuff.



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12 Jul 2009, 11:09 am

They tend to drift away from me while I'm hiding away for a period after doing too many things and melting down.
Or I start avoiding them when they do things that make me uncomfortable.



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12 Jul 2009, 11:53 am

I have little concept of friendship because I've never had a proper one. People only ever want something to do with me if they are experiencing some sort of sexual attraction. I don't have to un/intentionally do anything to drive "friends" away.



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12 Jul 2009, 2:18 pm

Yes, I've actually done this even with fellow Aspies too, which makes it more unpleasant for me as a person.In fact, I often feel that I'm well-below most Aspies as, not being very good with social scenarios as, I've seen others do.Still, I try my best and hope that such things shant happen that often like, I'm trying to do these days and all..



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12 Jul 2009, 3:55 pm

Yeah, I’ve been known to drive away friends and potential friends, intentionally and un-intentionally.

Social clumsiness in the form of rudeness or just not being tuned in to others was (and still is) about one third of what drives them away un-intentionally.
Intentionally, about another third of driving them away is the fear of them finding me to be less than what I should be (inferiority complex).
The last third is the fear that I’ll hurt them in time and there are some people that I just can’t stand the thought of doing that to, believe it or not.

I’ve gotten a little better over time but it’s been a long and tough road just to get this far with miles to go.
The pisser is that I’ll never really get to where I want to be, I just have to keep trying anyway knowing that I’ll at least get better.

It was a lot worse when I was a kid because I was clueless and did not know what was wrong with me then. It pains me deeply think of all the potential friends were turned off or turned away and friends lost.
We moved a lot when I was a kid and that didn’t help matters any in my opinion.
There were a few, though, that prevailed at being my friends anyway when they didn’t have to and I treasure them and the memories.
Someday I’d like to go back those places and see them again.
Aspergers isn’t well enough known in the U.S. so I doubt I’d tell them that’s the reason I was a jerk although I’d like to be able to explain myself somehow.

It’s a mental tightrope walk in variable winds to maintain a happy medium in social interfacing. I’ve learned to do it fairly well in short term but eventually it becomes hard to follow as peoples mood changes are all too often unseen by me.
I either watch them too closely and overreact to any change in mood I detect (be they real or imagined) and once I realize I’m overdoing it I go the opposite direction and become too stiff.
Lord, it kills me to look back at the path of destruction I’ve left in my wake.
Well, on the bright side I get better with time.

If I’d known back then what my problem was I think it would have helped but I just found out three years ago.

Sorry for the long post but this is actually the short version. :wink:



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12 Jul 2009, 4:42 pm

I'm sure I do, I drive away those who aren't even my friends. The sad thing is I don't even know who my friends are. A few people have called me their friend but they might just be using the word very casually. I'm such a clueless social fool.