Anyone get fatigued by relationships?

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Just me personally, I don't believe in perfection in terms of human relationships and cohabitation.

I can understand how for some with AS separate space may be a legitimate need. I certainly don't think that living in different houses would preclude being a good match.

For me, it's more of a preference. I've lived in a house for almost two decades with 5 other people. And I do feel comfortable around them - very comfortable. I feel the freedom to be quiet and be myself and do my own thing.

My issue is really everyone's stuff, and the fact that each person deals with their material possessions differently. I have one child who is extremely organized and the others aren't. So, when everyone is finally independent, I truly have no desire to share a home with someone else - unless they're a minimalist in the extreme. That would be acceptable.

I very rarely get fatigued around my wife, however with practically any other social situation too much can be an overload. I remember when my wife and I were dating and I told her I wasn't sure I wanted to go out because I was in overload and she understood it was a really big jump in the relationship. I do occasionally need some relax time on my own, but nothing special.

Yes, you need to have a talk with her and find out what she really wants out of the relationship as well as how comfortable she'll be with the mode of your interaction long term, should you marry, etc.

Some part of her may believe that you'll change and do things the way she wants you to if you get married. If so, it's only fair to let her know the truth so she can make a decision that works for her.

That's how my husband and I make our relationship work. As we say, "Together, but seperate!"

My bf and I spend a lot of time apart, but when we are together it is almost overwhelming for me. He's very affectionate, and I am not. So I've had to compromise-as long as he tells me before heading over that he's in a cuddly mood, I know what to be prepared for... and he backs off after a little bit because he knows that I don't like it so much.

We live separately now, but I'm worried about later on. I don't think I have the tolerance for people, or patience with them at times, to be around one person all the time... luckily, he is kind of the same way, so I'm sure we'll figure out something.

When he lived with me before, he lived downstairs and me and the kiddos lived upstairs for the most part. Our time spent together was usually playing World of Warcraft on our separate computers. *shrug*

Being female, I can only assume, was what caused some problems, as I'd want him to be upstairs and around more at times, but then the Aspie side would creep out, lol, and I wouldn't be able to stand it once he was around me too long.

I don't see any reason why a couple should adhere to the marriage stereotype if it doesn't suit them. I think that one problem with marriage is that it can set off a lot of expectations that humans sometimes find impossible to meet. Ulltimately, married or not, the exact arrangement depends on the specific needs of the individuals, though of course there are a lot of typical core values that shouldn't be discarded lightly. Something like eating dinner together, well yes for lot of people that's probably important, but for others it won't matter so much. I think it could be useful for individuals to set out the ten expectations that are the most important to them from a partner (or whatever number of expectations seems right for them). So for me, I don't much value the symbolic stuff like sending anniversary cards, swapping rings, or baking me a pie....those things can be good - if it's a good pie, that's great , but I'm much more interested in how I relate to the partner, whether we really care about each other's happiness, whether we want to look after each other on each other's terms, rather than just following a standard template from tradition, culture or Hollywood.

As for children, I don't think an Aspie is necessarily going to be a neglectful parent.....I seem to have AS quite strongly but my son once remarked, when he was about 9 years old) that I was the only adult he knew who really cared about what he wanted. I'd never expected to be a particularly committed parent before he was born, as I knew I was rather more self-centred than most people and was rather dreading the likely sacrifices, but I was surprised how my instincts changed me.

Really…it is such a relief to read these postings.  I know it’s the nature of things for our kind to be socially fatigued, but I’ve heard so many people post about their successful relationships, I thought relationship fatigue might be unique to me, or in any case the relationship I’m in.
 
It’s mainly the emotional element that gets to me.  I’ve spent so many years fabricating and exaggerating emotions that I honestly have no idea what’s real or fake anymore.  But I for sure know that I care about this girl more than I care about myself, but in no way do I love her or even desire her company.  I want her to be happy, so I’ll volunteer my time with her and fake a feeling or two to make her smile.  But very time she wants a hug, a smile, or any other emotional solicitation, I have to think on my feet and give an appropriate response, because if left to my own devices I would react with…nothing at all.  It’s terribly taxing, and I find myself consciously and unconsciously maneuvering to spend the minimum necessary time and energy in her company before retreating to my own space to recuperate.  It’s killing me, because I have to do something brainless (TV, video games, meditation) for hours afterward just to get the energy to get on with life, and every minute spent that way is detracted from clearing my backlogged responsibilities.  That makes me enjoy her company even less, and as she recognizes this it’s just a downward spiral from there.  She gets upset, I have no line of defense other than “this is just the way I am”, and I’ve crushed her feelings under my boot.  But she’s a child of divorce and abandonment, and after a good long cry she’ll tell me she’s happy in this relationship even knowing its limitations.  Soon enough I’ll see clear evidence to the contrary, but I still believe it every time this process repeats itself.  And we’re gratuitously past the point where this can keep on repeating itself.
 
It’s been obvious for some time that calling it quits and moving out would be the simple, devastating, and perhaps necessary solution.  But my mind keeps tying itself into knots, asking if there’s two or three lifestyle changes I can make that will keep her happy at sustainable cost to myself.  But this line of thinking always gets complicated, and I just keep reaching the conclusion that only authentic love and desire for her company will make her happy, while my cheap imitations are as detrimental to her being as a steady fast-food diet.
 
Is any of this familiar to anyone else here?

Not necessarily true. I mean, I'm sure some have difficulty in that aspect, but not as much as you would think. I hate random hugs, I hate cuddling, and cannot stand being touched for long by my boyfriend...

But with my kids, it's different. AS or NT (I have one of each... at least, I'm pretty sure the 4 year old is NT), we do fine. When she walks up and randomly gives me a hug or something, that doesn't bother me. It freaks me out sometimes if I'm not prepared for it, but it doesn't bother me, because she is my daughter.

When someone else's child does it to me, it makes me feel invaded, lol. But it's much different with your own children... you can see parts of yourself in them, no matter how they come out.

My son and I (both AS) will sit around and just shake our heads at some of the things she does... we don't understand a lot of it, and we get along really well from it.

Her being in the mix kind of forces us to be a little more emotionally attached. If it was just for me and him, we'd probably rarely ever give one another hugs and be fine with it. But she is always randomly climbing on someone, keeping us on our toes, and since she was born, he and I have started spending more one on one time together. I think because she demands so much of it to be honest, it becomes part of "routine" in a way.

It's not like we are giving empty hugs, but she's keeping us in the habit of making sure to do those things, and it's good.

Very. My boyfriend and I have a lot of these things worked out. I tell him what bothers me, what is hard to do for me, and why. He will tell me why it is important to him, and we work something out. So far we have this:

He will try not to ask irrelevant questions in an attempt to be polite to me and just flat out tell me what he wants, and I will try not to get upset if he slips up and words things wrong.

He will ask from now on if he wants a hug, or give me fair warning before he comes over if he is in a cuddly mood, so I can prepare for it. In exchange for me doing something terribly uncomfortable to me, I can tell him when it's just too much, and go sit in another chair away from him for a bit to get a break from it.

He come over 2 times a week, sometimes 3, but it is always scheduled in advance, and he cannot just drop in the day he feels like coming over. In exchange, I have to try to make sure to do little things when he does come over... like greet him at the door, walk him out when he leaves, and not walk into other rooms to talk to him.

Once these things are made rules, I do much better... "this is what I do when he comes over... this is what I do in case of such and such". Though some of these things I endure are uncomfortable, I do let him know, and we always work something out in it. He talks a lot to his therapist about it as well, lol, and I think that is what keeps him tolerating not having a "normal" relationship where everything is just automatically reciprocated comfortably.

We've got a lot of little things like this worked out, and are doing really well. But he is also a talker... if we get into an argument, we are both talk and find a solution type of people... it works out very well. I imagine it would be a lot harder if your partner is not willing to talk about these things and wants it all their way or no way.

I think that basically this is a introvert/extrovert conflict being discussed here, though being AS and introverted no doubt complicates the matter. There are several personality types that will be draining to be in relationship with other types whether the person is AS or NT. I kind of suspect that the OP's gf/partner may need to consider finding someone else who is able to meet her needs for intimacy.

Anxiety25, I think you've got it spot on. If we are going to argue that AS isn't a disability and is just a "different normal", then we cannot demand to have everything our way, and there has to be compromise.

My partner and I have worked things out fairly well. We both work, but in the evenings he's also busy, and generally either has to go and work on his parent's farm, or has band practice, so 4 out of the 5 evenings during the week he's generally not home, and most saturdays during the day as well.

That means that those evenings when he's away, that's my time, and I can spend it in as much silence as I like, but when he does come home at the end of the evening, it becomes our time, and the rules are different.

Just as our NT partners have to accomodate these "strange ways" and routines of ours, if we're going to expect an NT to share our lives with us, we have to meet them halfway, otherwise they're not our partner, they're our carer.

Exactly. He and I have decided that basically there is no way that he can understand the way that I work anymore than I can understand how he does.

He NEEDS the emotional stuff, and while I don't really grasp it and I'm not comfortable with it, I do it, because I care about him. I can't imagine caring about someone and just saying "screw your needs, I'm more important."

In a way it could be seen as selfish even to make the compromises, lol, as I am sure he does a lot more things to make me comfortable and happy than I am aware of... especially since the only things I know about that he'd like me to do are things he actually TELLS me about.

For the longest time, I'd open the door when he knocked, say "come on in", then walk off and continue doing my own thing. To me, that seemed perfectly fine. I mean, I'm opening the door, which to me seems welcoming enough. But it didn't make him feel welcome. While I don't really understand it, I do it, because I don't want him to feel unwelcome in the home, and now, over time, I've realized if I don't greet him in the way he needs me to, he feels like I'm not even happy to see him.

I don't get what the fuss over getting hugs and kisses immediately is all about, but I do it anyway, because it makes him happy.... just like when he can tell I'm getting annoyed by the phone, he will let me get off of it, even if he has more he still wants to say.

No matter the relationship, it has to be a 50/50 effort... that doesn't mean it has to work out perfectly every time, but it takes work and time no matter what. If one person isn't willing to bend, or try, or isn't willing to endure something that they don't understand for a few moments, then there is no point in trying... at least in my opinion.

I know it is harder for us to do the things that we don't understand, especially when it is emotion based rather than a logical basis, but we should still give the effort at least if we really TRULY want the relationship to work out.

I argued it forever before finally bending and realizing that was the ONLY way it was going to work out. I care about him and want him to be happy, and some things that make him happy and make him feel loved are things I'm not instinctively able to do... so he tells me when he needs those things so I can do them. I can say it still isn't super comfy or even automatic to do them, he still has to remind me... but I'm still alive to talk about it, so it hasn't killed me yet either.

I think a few moments of discomfort here and there, if it helps the relationship, is well worth it in the long run. But communication about why things bother you and just to try to explain what it feels like and why it's uncomfortable and all, helps a great deal, because then a solution can be found, and it opens up a new level of understanding of one another.

Really, the more I read the less alone/unique I feel. I hate to kick a dead horse/post, but I have a few other questions I'd like to put to people here. Basically, more than anything else I'd like to get a sense of the dividing line where on one side there's the AS stuff I have little if any power to change; and on the other would lie my own negative attitudes and judgments that distort the situation.

* I think all social interactions fatigue me on some level, but when hanging out one-on-one with great friends (I'm blessed to have a handful) the exhaustion curve is a long one. But in, for lack of a better word, romantic settings - it's just precipitous, and I'm totally floored by the time I get home. I can only guess that a romantic partner has a few emotional needs with a hundred thousand situational manifestations, and any false move on my part will upset her greatly...because they reveal the truth that I don't connect with this person. It's simpler with friends though, they just like to enjoy your company with few expectations.

* Thus I like hanging out with one friend or another, once or twice a week. But while I - this sounds awful - don't mind having my girlfriend around the house while I'm doing my thing, I dread going out with her. Just too many bad memories of outings gone horribly, horribly wrong. Going on a date I feel her status is unpredictable at best, volatile at worst. So I just want to get it over with in a way that leaves me minimally floored by the time it's over.

* And I'm real curious if any guys can identify with this: I don't want to do anything that would make her ask for some sort of reciprocity. I don't do this to hurt her, but I just don't want unexpected demands dropped on me when I lack the energy to fulfill them. I'd rather she not cook for me (I'm a health freak so I prefer my own food anyway), gifts from her make me nervous, and by male standards this last part is I think really unique - my interest in sex is blasé to begin with, but I end up actually avoiding it for previously stated reasons.

I'm really not comfortable talking about myself so profusely like this, feels kind of self-involved. But I've got nobody in my life who really understands the intrinsics of this condition, and I could really use somebody to tell me if this is typical for the condition, or if I'm just being an ass and need to get my act together.

Appreciating all of this, and thanks to you all,

Meursault

I definitely understand where you are coming from. Different thoughts spring to mind...

I was wondering about what kinds of good things you get from the relationship...Is there any sort of comeradery that you have with your girlfriend? Does she play a vital role in your life, for which you might have to pay the currency of occasionally indulging her?..or is your relationship more of just an uncomfortable exercise in the constant navigation through the mistranslations of the gender divide?..(sorry if that doesn't make sense)

Um..I am an ASish female in relationships with 2 guys who are sort of on the spectrum.

My "other" partner..who I don't live with..is the more ASish of the two. In the context of our relationship, I am sort of the one who has done most of the work...as in propelling the relationship along.... and I know better than to make certain types of demands of him, or to take it personally when he needs extra space...When we have our time together, it is just as fun to sit at his house and watch tv and eat lentils out of Army tins as it would be to drag ourselves out to some place where we have to be around people and spend money and such...but we do that sort of thing once in a while anyway.
Sometimes I give him gifts that pertain to his special interests...which I know that he likes and uses...and I will also annoy him with gifts..usually utilitarian in nature...that do not pertain to his special interests..and he does not hide the fact that he is annoyed...
The nature of our relationship is such that it "keeps me going"...rather than fatigues me...and even though I do much of the hunting and gathering involved in it, I do hope that he gets something out of it and that I am not doing it all just to indulge myself.

You know you're like probably the first person with an ASD to be in two relationships?

I expect you'll get a lot of posts from Aspies who also get this, though in my case I don't think I experience it quite that way. I've hardly ever felt anxious or tired by a romantic encounter, particularly at the start of a relationship. I guess it's possible that the thrill of the encounter has masked the energy drain somehow......yet even when the relationship is established, as long as things have otherwise been going well, there's been no problem. On the other hand, practically all my experience in these matters comes from the days before I suspected I may have AS, so I guess it's possible that I unwittingly rationalised my behaviour somehow.......certainly I'd always thought that my unwillingness to share anything much with my first wife was grounded in my resentment about the way she'd treated me when the relationship was young.



I'm not sure what you mean by "her status." I quickly found that there were some people and places I couldn't cope with when going out with a girlfriend - discos, noisy parties, crowded bars, claustrophobic or judgemental relatives - but I quickly learned what I couldn't handle and simply presented myself from the start as having certain things I just wasn't going to do, and steered clear of any girl who seemed to be into those things. As long as I'm not taken out of my depth like that, I positively enjoy I was dumbfounded when a relatively new girlfriend asked me very cautiously if I'd think her silly for wanting to be taken for walks in the park......I love doing things like that, just idly strolling round, taking in the beauty of it all, and I wouldn't ever want to stop.



Well, I'm wary of accepting gifts/favours from anybody, for fear of them wanting to call those favours in at a bad time. Frankly most of the women I've known have practically forced me to accept that they cook for me, though I've never once expected or asked for that. I don't find it easy to rise to the occasion in quite the way they seem to expect, and have often felt rather embarrassed at the sexist gender role that such behaviour implies, and can feel rather guilty about it, as I don't relate well to the standard male role in a relationship, and I have been known to be wary of some kind of expectations of me arising from accepting the meal or the housework that they've also tended to foist onto me without asking. I'd hate to think that any woman might begin to see me as having a duty to be the main breadwinner or to become all tough and decisive. I've done quite a lot of wood-chopping, lightbulb-changing, and other vaguely technical "male" jobs for them, and I don't resent the work I've put in, but I much prefer it when the lady in question can handle a screwdriver herself and doesn't come over like a stereotypical, helpless little doormat.

When I was a teenager I was quite obsessed with sex, but I changed a lot after a few years. I don't like the way most women expect the man to always make the first move, and the way they're so often completely indirect about it when they want sex......I wouldn't want to initiate sex aggressively myself and I'd dislike it even more if a woman was aggressive about sex with me (though that really hasn't happened much at all). And women often seem to take it very badly if they indicate that they want sex and the man doesn't comply. Sometimes I've been given the impression that some women think it's fine to say no to the man but not the other way round, and I really don't like that. Sure, when I was a lot younger I could get quite angry if the woman I wanted wasn't willing at the time I was, but I grew out of it, and I tend to expect women to be equally mature.

As for how often I want or accept sex, well I'm 56 years old and wouldn't take kindly to being treated like a teenager, though I still enjoy sex. But as for the other aspects of couple behaviour I've mentioned, the relationship has to feel right before I'm interested......if there are any serious unresolved conflicts, I readily go off sex, which I've always felt might be quite wise, as sex tends to cement the pair-bonding thing, which seems crazy if there are significant problems, in the same way as it's crazy and irresponsible to have children in order to repair a bad marriage. All sex can do is to draw me closer to a person I may need to break away from, which would just increase the pain. But when things are OK between me and a partner, the sex life is good too.




Well, don't forget that you're anonymous here for as long as you wish to be. Me, I'm happy to wear my heart on my sleeve round here and give my pathological honesty a good airing. It's for you to judge whether I'm all that different from you or not - and if we are very different, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're the one who's deviating from the Aspie norm, whatever that is. Quite likely I'm atypical in these matters, or maybe I just don't know myself very well and haven't given a very good account of my feelings in these matters. To see yourself as an ass who needs to get his act together is surely not the way forward.....anybody proposing solutions to your problems is going to have to do a lot better than that. Your feelings are part of you and they can't just be dismissed like that, they need to be respecfully addressed if you're going to be able to move on.

I did that too, a couple of times, but it was way back in the past. Both times it just got too complicated, so I went back to monogamy.