Have you ever wondered if Aspergers is just an excuse?

Post Reply New Topic

The only reason I'm able to sustain a relationship is because Kris's ex was just so incredibly nasty and bitchy that nothing any reasonably decent human being could ever do would compare. Most people can't stand me. But since I'm not a malicious, lying, manipulative cheater like his ex was, I guess it doesn't bother him that I'm annoying and all that other stuff that normal people hate about me. I'm always nervous that eventually he's going to get sick of me and realize that I am bad, his standards are just warped so that I'm not bad in comparison to his ex. I always tell him I really am bad, though, and he says he won't get sick of me..

He also has a lot of aspie traits himself, decreases how annoying I seem to him, and also causes him some problems with a lot of other people.

It's not like I was going to complain that I didn't see him for a week and a half after I introduced him to the Ender's Game books.. They're really good books, and he'd gotten me lost in Incarnations of Immortality, anyways..


Anyways.. I'd figured I probably wouldn't be able to sustain a relationship.. hadn't expected to find somebody with the patience of a saint.

Some people use it as an excuse because they think it's okay to be a jerk or be rude or say inappropriate things, etc. or they stop trying to work on their symptoms because they think they don't have to. Those people disgust me because they make the rest look bad and no wonder people think AS is just an excuse to be lazy or rude and no wonder some think it's fake and a condition made up by doctors. We also can't use AS as a explanation for our behavior or difficulty or else it sounds like we are using it as an excuse because so many of them exploited the label by using it as an excuse. Maybe it had to do with people using their disability as a cop out, so they assume the same about AS.

I often fear that when I give out too much info, that I might sound like I am using it as an excuse. I can never seem to catch myself when I do it, so it sucks.

I've gotten that accusation quite often, but always in situatiosn where I 1. wasn't claiming AS caused me to do something, or 2. the behavior truly is due to AS. I won't use AS as an excuse, but it is an explnation for some of my behaviors. Doesn't mean these behaviors are always acceptable, but still. I mean, I don't care that I hav eodd interests, which is an AS thing, and I hav eno need to use AS as an excuse because I can jsut say I don't give a f***. However, with meltdowns and the like, these are unacceptable, and I try to modify them, but AS traits still comtribute to why I find it hard.

I don't have to fit in with anyone.

I'm not sure if it's really laziness or rudeness. If you call someone a name or insult them in a derogatory way it's blatant rudeness and there's no excuse but what about people who seem rude but really aren't, it's just their neurological difference? People who don't follow social conventions, for example, or don't do the polite small talking or flirtatiously, witty one liners that eveyone seems so in awe over and needs in order to have a conversation. People who like to debate issues instead of just nodding in compliance and accordance with everything they see or hear?
I've been called 'lazy' all my life but I'm really not. Just in the eyes of people who see me as a disorder instead of an individual. I do plenty of things, just not the things they want me to do.

What is hard for me is I've never used it as an "excuse" or even really as an explanation. I was diagnosed as a little kid but never really got how AS affected me, and struggled painfully to fit into the NT world. I still wince and cringe at the things I said or did (that hurt nobody but ME, thank you) or couldn't prevent from happening to me because I was floundering and didn't know any better.

It's only now that I really have started to 'get' how those problems that I had/have relate to ASD. And my current support people don't know much about it and don't see it in me because I have been molded into a NT chameleon. They tell me "you don't have it" and "don't label yourself". I find that really difficult because I spent my life without getting given slack for it, and now that I'm finally starting to accept my diagnosis, others won't.

So, no. I've never used it as an excuse. And I'm not getting very far using it as an explanation either.

er there's a difference between aspie behavior and as*hole behavior. I can tell between those two. I can tell when an aspie is just being a jerk than an aspie. If an aspie is unintentionally rude and they got told what they said was offensive and he or she is hurt, the aspie would apologize and try and understand why it's an insult and why he or she is feeling that way. An as*hole wouldn't even apologize or give a damn and act like it's no big deal and wouldn't give a s**t if the person is upset while a nice aspie would give a s**t because they care.

If an aspie was told what they said was rude and they continue saying it anyway, that's just being rude, not having AS. It may have been their AS the first time but after being informed it's rude and hurtful, they now know better. So next time it won't be the AS if they say X again.

If an aspie is capable of answering questions and they choose to ignore someone when they talk to them or ask them something, that is just being rude, not the AS. If they unintentionally ignored them, then they aren't doing it on purpose. Ignoring beggers is okay, many people ignore them. Ignoring sales people is okay and telemarketers.

It's the aspies out there who continue saying rude things even though they know it's rude or be offensive but they don't care because "I have AS." Or aspies out there refusing to take responsibility over their actions because "I have AS" I don't like. That's what my post was about. Not about coming off as rude unintentional, but being a dick on purpose. I can tell the difference between dick behavior and AS. An as*hole wouldn't care if they hurt someone while an aspie would care if they were aware the person got upset with them. They would just apologize or say their sorry or ask what did they say wrong. An aspie who is a jerk wouldn't do that.

It's not rude to debate just as long as you are respecting their opinions and beliefs and you aren't putting them down just because they don't agree which ever issues you are talking about. I assume politics and religion and other strong topics such as vaccine and autism or rather MJ was innocent or not or AS being a real condition and not another made up label by doctors.

A lot of people have difficulty distinguish excuses from explanations. I looked into the possibility of AS as an explanation of my behavior. Others, including the wife, think I'm trying to use it as an excuse. I want to be able explain my behavior so that I can learn from it and do what I can to improve and that others will undestand. That's hardly an excuse.

I've been getting frustrated lately trying to explain things to well-intentioned NTs who just don't understand. I tell them I have no empathy, but they can't empathize with my lack of empathy. So, they can't grasp the implications of having no empathy. One of them is the employee assistance counselor whose training is limited to NTs. :sigh:

Sometimes, I think that it takes a certain kind of intelligence, to understand the challenges of AS. Since most NTs apply an emotional connotation to everything, we are misunderstood right off. They are less likely to apply logic, unless that it is a habit with them.

This thread really strikes a chord with me. To be honest, I didn't even realise I had what I believe is AS until a couple days ago*, but it explains a lot.

My friend asks me many times, when I screw up, "if I care." i could never put into words until the day I donned on me that I may have AS that.. that's almost an impossible question for me to answer. I've always felt detached from everything in my life. I'd get inspired for a fleeting moment.. "I''m gonna work out and lose weight," "I'm gonna work my way up to manager," or "Im gonna finally get this house looking halfway decent." I have these fleeting moments of inspiration -- but they never last. I want to change things but no matter what I do it's almost as if I "reset" and go back to my routine when I wake up. Is that an excuse? It does explain a lot about why all the things I want to change about my life never happen.. but in a way, I feel like it's an excuse until I can figure some way to fix it.. at which point it becomes a reason that I have to do something differently.. but with my brain being wired like it is.. how do I fix that?

Everything in my life except that which I find myself "obsessing" over, I find little ability to put my heart into it.

And OMG. Kudos to the poster who mentioned something about being alone in order to "recharge yourself." There are some people who are physically draining to me just by being around them. Although I may be "wasting time," the best time I seem to have is by myself in "my own world." At least.. that's when I feel least anxious.

* Im 28 years old and AFAIK, I've never been tested for any ASD, and it's something I've never really done much research into it until now. In other words, in spite of the fact i'm not diagnosed or have been tested for any ASD's, I can't imagine I don't have some form of it, because well.. so many of the characteristics of aspergers are me.

I don"t give out much info for the same reason.

I over explain everything...which is why Nt's think everythings an excuse. People never HEAR me. Or at least thats how I put it, when in reality, they will NEVER understand so it doesnt matter how much i explain. As for empathy, well sometimes I do and some times I dont. Sometimes I can relate too much to a movie scene, and have to turn the channel. If theres a first kiss or something embarrasing, i actually get so embarassed for them that I feel it, and have to exit the situation. I can have empathy I think when I can relate because Ive been through something simulair...true empathy? probably not. I tell them all the things I should...its ok, you'll be alright, but I never worry about them, or check up on them etc. My ex, who I loved dearly, just called me selfish. Selfish selfish selfish...among many other things. That hurts...alot. i do try hard not to be. But sometimes if im not allowed to say, change my environment to the way I like it, I get physically and mentally depressed. So according to him I always had to have things my way etc. Its very lonely being an aspie...I mean Ill go out and have superficial fun with superficial friends, but very few stick around after they REALLY get to know me. I expect it, its been this way my entire life but you never ever get used to it.

I think you pose a very valid question.

My 11 yr old nephew has AS. He is also the only child of very devoted parents ... and I wonder where the line is between AS and spoiled.

I don't think "AS" and "spoiled" are mutually exclusive

And I think that's a really tough tightrope to walk -- what is bratty and what is AS?

I don't know the answer.

But it's a very interesting question.