I can never think of words to say to people.

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Words have always been a mystery to me. When I talk to people, I tend to give either short, stilted replies, or long rambling ones that make me sound awkward and self-conscious. What makes it all the more frustrating to me is that I can understand what I'm supposed to do at any point in a conversation, but I can never make up the words to say what I want to express without preparation.

I am always amazed by watching people talk. For me, making words is like a craft I have to work at. I spend long hours articulating things in every imaginable variety of ways before I approach someone to speak, and even then it comes off as strained and rehearsed. In my young life I have managed to get down the niceties of the sort of curt exchanges that people go through in order to say hello to co-workers, order at a restaurant, or set up an appointment on the phone. But as soon as I'm in a situation that requires me to say something outside of my usual repertoire I'm completely at a loss. I feel like I'm reaching for words that simply don't exist.

My question for you, gentle Internet, is this. How have you improved your capacity to speak to others? I have found some success in making conversation flow charts before I speak to someone, but the moment it veers off course I feel completely lost. Is there a way you've trained yourself, or a book you've used that's been particularly helpful? I just got off of a phone interview and I'm feeling rather frazzled right now, so anything I could try would be encouraging.

... and yet your post is extremely articulate, well-thought-out, and well-said.

This is true of me, too ... I come across much better in writing than I do orally. I've never really understood why, but I have no doubt that it's connected to AS.

i know. i've "suffered" from this all my life. wondering what drives people to TALK like they do. never quite "getting it", just what people TALK about. hearing people ramble on and on about the most inane things (mostly, other people), and then the moment i try to speak about anything that means a lot to me or something i truly love, i get nothing but silence. but you know, the more i observe what people talk about, the more i've come to the conclusion, most of this talk spewing out of people is just that: "talk". empty, superfluous words.

Whatever your issues speaking, you write well.

I've always had problems conversing too. If discussing something that I am knowledgeable about I tend to go on and on, systematically running down points logically related to the subject, lecturing the other person and appearing pedantic. If I'm unfamiliar with the topic or if I'm in a group I simply can't come up with anything to say at all. The colloquial style of other's speech is a mystery to me.

I've tried various ways of overcoming this but with no luck. I have noticed that I find it easier to speak with some people rather than others, but that isn't a very satisfying solution. It might be worth considering that many people who speak easily let their ideas suffer in quality.

Story of my life. And at age 54 it's no easier than it's ever been. I do fine if there's a specific topic to discuss that I know something about. But chitchat, free-flowing social situations, small talk, etc, forget it.

Life experience/observation has given me a collection of phrases and responses that I can plug in when appropriate and that helps sometimes, but only get me so far. Even then, I sometimes have a hard time with my timing. And the minute we veer into improv social chat, I'm lost. Sometimes I'm just hopelessly (awkwardly) silent, forcing the other person/people to do all the talking. Or I ask a question (if I can think of one) that I hope will keep them talking without my input. Or, if in a group situation, I go stand next to a chatterbox who wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise even if had the word to give.

This was the exact reason why my first (and only) relationship failed. It took 7 dates and a night in a hotel to realize I didn't know how to talk. It's been 2 years since then and I started to think it had gotten a lot better because I could talk so freely amongst my co-workers. However, I realized that whenever the conversation wouldn't be work related or I wouldn't be goofing around, I still don't know what the hell to say, so I end up staring at my feet.

I'm not real certain how to rid myself of this alleged bother, I'm afraid. I, too, think up very precise things to say to people, but it always gets thrown off. Sometimes I feel depressed after another failed social experience, but other times I accept that that's just me. If I want to get better, I will. I wish hard work wasn't so hard.

The only thing I can say is to practice. There isn't a book or a fantastic technique that will teach you how to talk to people, it all comes down to getting out there and accepting that because of AS, there will be times that you make a fool of yourself or feel really stupid but you just have to keep doing it because it's a part of life.

I admit though that through all of my practice I'm still no better at it. I thought I was but my mum and I were discussing my AS today and she said that very often I still sound like I'm reading from a script or like I'm having a conversation with myself, not caring what anyone elses reactions are to what I'm saying. This wasn't what I wanted to hear but I suppose it comes with the diagnosis.

Anyway, finding the right words...if you can't find the right words then ask a question to get the other person talking again (that way you don't have to). It's been something I've found helpful because it gives me time to think of something else to say. If you can't think of a question though then I wouldn't know what to suggest.

Exactly like me. I also tend to vary wildly between talking excessively as if delivering a lecture, and seizing up and not thinking of anything to say.

I sometimes think of it as like having mental diarrhea or constipation.

That's exactly what I need, a book to to teach people on the Autism Spectrum how to hold a conversation. Somebody should write that. I don't think it should be me, but somebody.

Hi all, I'm a NT mom of an 8 yr old with AS. I was reading this thread with great interest and just thought I would offer a tip, which may or may not be helpful.

I think NT's think of things to say by "associations." If someone is talking to you about baseball, an NT brain would think about a baseball game they saw on TV three days ago where a guy did something really great, or else the game was really boring. Then you would share this memory, and it would be totally appropriate because it is related. If the guy you're talking to is saying how much he LOVES baseball, you either say you love baseball too, like you saw this game the other day, or else you actually find baseball pretty boring, like you saw this game the other day where nothing happened.

Basically anything someone is talking about should spur a related thought in your brain. This is a good thing to contribute as it is related to the topic at hand, and will expand the material for thought and discussion, as well as offer your opinions and perspectives.

Then of course there are lull's in every conversation where the topic is exhausted and it is time to change. This is a good time--after a reasonable pause to awknowledge the change in topic--to bring up a popular news event or ask the person about how their job is going, or family is doing or just some generic conversation starter that is always good at hand. As long as you ask with genuine interest, it won't seem weird.

Hope this helps.
Hattie

Well I still suck at talking at people. But I think I have improved. Basically what I try to do now is just ask questions so the person keeps talking until they say something I can relate to or say something about (usually random facts, situations that happened to me/that i heard about or opinions). When that happens I try not to talk too long. After awhile the other person will go off subject at that point I just repeat from the step about asking questions. Obviously have to replace some questions with things like "Wow that's great!". It seems to work pretty well if i manage to stick to that.

You need guidance, not a book. Join Toastmasters International. This is a group that promotes public speaking. They do a very good job at helping people overcome their fear or anxiety about speaking to an audience.

ruveyn

There's a character on naruto (anime) named sai who reads books that "Teach" him emotion and how to interact. Unfortunately for us these books seem fictitious and don't actually exist - even if they are a good idea. A good place to start may be books on proper etiquette and manners. PErsonally speaking I've been to lazy as of yet to find some.

This is indeed what was told me by a friend how conversating works, and for me, it can work, which I really enjoy, and it can't. Because, mind this, aspies have a lot of different associations than NT's have. As for me, I've got a few subject that can really preoccupy my mind, but that are very, very personal to me. When somebody talks to me, I indeed DO find some associations, however in a lot of cases related to those subjects, and indeed, I can't talk about them with every person -even worse, there are only three or four I trust enough to talk about those subject; I really don't trust people that easily-. But indeed, like you tell it, it is the way it should be.

That's what I have learned to do to seem like I have a clue. It's just sucks because I get bored with many conversation that require me to do that. I would like the freedom to use my non-sequiturs lol.

I haven't but instead I have tried to come up with alternative soloutions, examples:-

I have very specific orders when ordering fast food, I can't seem to communicate this without encoutering problems, so I enlist my girlfriend to do this for me, she is very good with people and seems to be able to do this perfectly without having to repeat herself.

In work, I am very well educated (I have a degree in mechanical engineering) but I work on the railway generally performing manual tasks. I have proven that I am very compotent and now no longer bother explaining what we are doing to collegues(for example I might need them to operate a manual control while I adjust and measure a component affected by that control), I simply tell them what to do. They overlook this "rudeness" because they know if they do what I say we will be finished sooner than if I give them an overcomplicated response. In fact I find that one ridiclously complicated answer will save a dozen more aquward questions.

Also my girlfrieds mother has remarked in the past that my communication improves when I am fixing something (I was speaking to her while working on a motorbike). This suits me well as I don't look at people when I talk anyway. I am trying to find a machine part that is small enough to carry with me everywhere, complicated enough to focus my attention and can be stripped without tools, this way I can use it as a conversational aid to distract me and make me less self concious while I speak.

I doubt these examples will work for everyone else but I'm sure everyone has their "thing" and i'm sure that you can use it to your advantage.