We are starting a new routine with my son-looking for advice

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My son likes things immediately pretty much. He hasn't responded well to allowance, as he can't use it right away, or the $1 he gets that night isn't enough to get the toy he REALLY wants, so he gets discouraged and quits.

I have a new chart I made up of chores, and he's told me he has no motivation for doing them because I don't have anything he really wants as a reward.

Tonight, he backtalked me about it so many times, I finally said "fine, I'll get some stuff that you want..." and took all of their toys out of his room so he has to earn them back by doing his chores (they are very basic chores... clean up after yourself, take your bath, brush your teeth, make your bed... just the basic stuff every kid normally does anyway). The problem is, I'm not so sure that he's really all that interested in some of the toys to begin with anymore.

The problem is, his interests are Star Wars, Legos (only star wars or indiana jones ones), and Indiana Jones stuff.

So... with that being so costly (and the fact he is rewarded with something every night because he likes the immediate satisfaction of having something to hold after completing his tasks), what are some things you could think of off hand that you would have liked as an alternative reward to these things if they were not available?


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So far I have:

On weekends, you get to pick the movie watched at bed time.

Getting to do arts and crafts stuff after chores are completed.

Getting to play his Nintendo DS for half an hour (or an hour, depending how long it takes him to complete the chores and how close it is to bedtime).

Getting to make the choice of what we have for dinner that night providing chores are completed in time.

Making specific CDs of music that he likes for him to listen to while going to bed.

Allowing him to choose the music that the kids will listen to while going to sleep (as they often fight over this, and I doubt that his sister would choose a card stating that over an actual item).

Having my boyfriend get a movie here and there that he wants while he is out and about.

Allowing 1/2 an hour of computer time after chores are done.

Getting a story before bed time (which is moreso for his sister, as he usually doesn't want one)

Getting to pick a special snack out at the store when we go.

...and giving an index card that says "coupon" on it, for $1.50 for the day, and he can save them until he has enough to get an item that he wants. (not sure how that would work since the money thing didn't work, but hey, some kids would go for the "coupon" thing and the idea of being able to save them up instead of having money burning a hole in their pocket)



Any other suggestions or ideas of things you might have liked as a child since his main interests are... well, too costly to be rewarding him every night with them?

It's hard for me, even though I'm an Aspie as well, as we are all different, and I am a female. I was always happy with silly little things like getting my nails painted, or getting sparkly stickers.

I would give him those things all time so he gets used to them
No offense but If I lived in the same room as my sister and had my life controlled like that I dout I would still be alive today (seriously) but thats me and not him


but I would get him used to that special snack and picking his own music (Head phones duh) boys HATE GIRL MUSIC give him headphones


Then once he has ALL theese things ALL the time

Take them away if he doesn't do his stuff

It he isn't used to it he's not going to care.


Note just how bad is he? He can't wash himself? Brush his own teeth?
Really? how old is the child

I think some more info is needed

note I am 18 (almost 19) and I don't make my own bed and p.s. baths are much harder than showers.

Showers are nice quick clean and easy (not to mention 10x times more sanitary)

So maybe try switching him to showers

Also I never did anything for my parents for less than 20 bucks but again thats me

Could this kid get his own room? That might make him more independent.

And I must ask What DOES this kid do? I see a total of 1 hour to himself to play gameboy and go on the computer. Does he play outside? There is no way these chores take more than an hour or two.

Has his life controlled by who? What the heck are you talking about?



lol, wow, yeah, more info MUST be needed apparently for this to make sense. His little sister a lot of the time picks Indiana Jones music. She's only 4 for pete's sake, so she isn't into all that boybandy junk yet.... which, I'm not looking forward to myself.




It's not a reward though if he gets it all of the time, that is why he would get it for completing his normal chores.




No, he is 8. He is perfectly capable of doing all of these things. Also he's in school pretty much from 6:45 a.m. (well, on the bus) and doesn't get home until 3:30. So after homework, which he does incredibly slowly because he doesn't like doing homework, the chore fight begins pretty much. He did everything with no problem for the first week, then decided he wasn't motivated enough anymore and started with a lot of backtalking. When he actually DOES clean, it takes him ages because he moves like a snail to get it done. I don't think he's picked up on the concept yet that the sooner the chores are done, the sooner he gets a reward. So yes, while these chores shouldn't take long, factor in dinner around 5:30 (he's a slow eater, so sometimes doesn't finish until 6:30). Then bedtime at 8.... it's a tight schedule during the school year.

I have a chore chart for my son also with the same type of stuff, but he is willing to save money to buy things (he's 7). He gets a dollar for every chore. He can make up to 5 dollars a day. I know it sounds like a lot, but he is too young to wait a long time for something. When he wants something he has to work and save. I do NOT buy him anything anymore, he has to save his money. I stick to that and he saves, or he does without. If he gets nothing if he doesn't do his chores then that is his choice. Eventually he will want somthing really really bad and he will learn. (My son's was the Wii, he saved enough for half of it)

Something someone said to me that I thought was a good idea, and I think you figured that out already, is to rent things to him as a reward so you don't have to buy things all of the time. The time with the DS is good, but do you let him choose his games? Maybe you can rent the games, rather than the DS as a whole, and pick the game he most wants to play and encourage him to earn time. Find his achilles heel, the thing that he cherishes most, and have him earn time with that. Don't take it away, have him earn. keep it positive.

I do the coupon thing too. Actually I use small pictures of money rather than actual currency. I keep them on a piece of velcro so he can see his accomplishment. You could also talk to him about something he wants that he doesn't have...(new DS game for example)...go to the store, take a picture of it, put it on the end of the chart, decide how much money he needs to save and use a visual to show him his progress. Make a big deal the closer he gets to it and then when he reaches his goal make it a special trip just for him to get his prize.

The big thing is to keep it simple, don't overload with too many options and make it positive, always. Give him the choice and support that choice, no matter what it is. Give him the control to learn how this works on his own, and be patient. Don't give up. He may be getting mouthy because he feels his isn't in control. If you give him control and choices over his outcome he may not be so defiant.

Since you say your son gets out of the house by 6:15 and won't be back till 3:30, and then has to do homework and hten chores, I thinkt his is a pretty heavy load for an 8-year-old, and yoru child *needs( downtime. It's not just that he likes playing on the compute rmore than doing chores, but like everyone, he needs time to unwind. School, homework, chores, all are very stressful (or at least were to me). At your son's age, I was out of the house by 8:00 and back by 4:00, andd idn't have much homework, but still I was hardly dong any chores. I did brush my own teeth, but I did *not* make my bed, take a bath without lots of prompting, etc. Not *wanting* to do this things may essentially be a way to communicate that he is too overwhelemed to do them independently (sure you say he knows how to do them, but there's a huge difference between that and being able to do the thing while overloaded). So maybe he needs some help doing these chores.

Thank you so much I talked with a lady at Judevine (the Center for autism here who did his assessment and 3 week program with him), and she suggested taking things away when he doesn't do the chores.

Because he is very bright, and will say things like "well, that's okay if I don't get it now, I'll just wait and ask for it for my birthday/Christmas/ etc."

What I wound up doing was taking away all of their toys last night (after the last time he mouthed off to me after 4 days of it non stop pretty much), and then I bought organizers. His legos and DS really are the 2 biggest things that matter to him... oh and his light sabers. So I got those rubbermaid shelf/drawer looking things-the ones that are kind of tall and skinny with fairly deep drawers in them.

On the first shelf,
One is marked Legos. One is marked "boy stuff" (the light sabers, his star wars figures, things like that), and the other is sensory stimulation items.

The second one was for them both, but his sister has a drawer of her own too.
The first is special snacks that they like, the second is his sister's dress up stuff, and the 3rd one is the reward coupon drawer.... he's always been drawn to the mystery of what is in things like that, and likes the randomness of the card he pulls out. So I figure when he gets bored with the other things, or after he earns them back, as long as he keeps those cleaned up, no biggie, and that is when he will start taking the reward/coupon cards.

I also got a clothing hamper-one of those mesh pop open square type ones, to put all of their stuffed animals in, and a toy tote for his sister's legos as she still plays with the bigger ones.

There is one more box in there that is the games and such if he wants to pick a game to play as a family instead of getting an item.

There is a lot of variety, but it is very well organized-I'm actually VERY proud of the organization of it, and of his charts (as I figured out to use dry erase boards and make the actual chart with permanent markers, then they use magnets to put in the spaces of where they've completed their chores.... this way, at the end of the week, wipe the magnets, put them back into their bags, and it starts all over again).

About his backtalking... I'm thinking there are so many different reasons for it. Partially, because I've always been very laid back and he is NOT used to me saying "this is how it's going to be and it's not changing". I think it finally clicked in my head that in 5 years, this is going to be BAD if I don't get a handle on it right now. So part could just be defiance in general. Plus, he's getting older and is around a LOT of boys who just don't have much respect for adults in his school (our area just seems to be like that for some reason... very little parenting).

But I think the main issue... is he's been hanging out with this little girl around the corner who does a LOT of backtalking. My boyfriend was shocked the other day when my 4 year old told him "I don't have to listen to you because I only listen to mommy". He was telling her to pick up her trash or something, and she turned around and did it again, then she just shook her head no and pointed at me again.

Both of them have picked up a LOT of bad habits off of this little girl and I'm often correcting her in front of her mother. I think her mom is one of those who is passive around other people and wants to appear easy going and lenient and all, because I've heard that woman on the phone go off on her child for doing those kinds of things to her in her home. So she just kind of lets me take over when we are out. We switch roles in an odd way. Love the kid to death and all, but man she just seems spoiled rotten-she's an only child though, so that *could* have a bit to do with it... I'm not really sure though. Neither one of them started this backtalking stuff though until they met her and go to hanging around her a lot... she says a lot of things like "I want you to be my mom, I don't like my mom"... right in front of her mother. She told me once to "quit buggin" because I was asking her a question.... and the most common thing out of her mouth when told what to do is "No-I don't have to". So I think that's a pretty good candidate for where it came from.

For Zachary, it seems a lot of options (as long as they are labeled), do pretty well to be honest. He likes to have a lot of choice-makes him feel more in control of what he is choosing. Last night while I was sorting it out, he was saying things like "the first night I'm going to pick something out of the lego drawer, the next night I'm going to get my favorite webkinz out, the next night, etc." He was really excited.

The coupon cards and such are for just when he flat out runs out of things he wants or is interested in. That will help me a lot too, because their room has been overrun by toys for quite a long time and he will never let me get rid of anything, lol, so once he stops pickin, I'll know what I can get rid of fairly safely because he doesn't care quite as much as he acts like he does.

As far as letting him chose whether or not he wants to clean-man do I ever wish that was a choice. The problem is, between his sister and him, the mess spreads throughout the entire house within minutes. I'm stepping on tiny legos trying to walk through my kitchen sometimes, I'm constantly tripping over things... it's just something that is really really important, and I remind him a lot that he's teaching his sister while he does this stuff too, because she really looks up to him. (Which gives him that warm fuzzy feeling once in a while to encourage him to actually do things)

Our house is just too small to let him decide-and the chores are very basic things that every kid basically should automatically do anyway. Here is the list:

Clean up your toys in the livingroom after playing with them.

Clean up your bedroom.

Clean up your stuff after dinner and snacks (i.e. don't just throw your trash on the floor and expect me to clean it up, and put your own plate and fork into the sink basically)

Put your dirty clothes into the laundry hamper.

Help put away clean clothes.

Make your bed.

Take a bath.

Brush your teeth.
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That is the extent of the chart-things everyone else's kids seem to know automatically, but mine just don't care unless there's a really cool chart made up for it and magnets to play with on it So at the end of the night, when he finishes, granted he has a very short amount of time, I'll give him 10-20 minutes to play with whatever reward he chooses (because if he gets it then has to go to bed, spend the day at school, rinse and repeat every day, then what is the point in getting things back anyway except to play with them on weekends?), then he has to get ready for bed so he can wake up on time.

I just really need to come up with reward worthy stuff for those cards, things he will care about, or things that might spark his interest. Maybe helping mommy cook dinner, things like that. He is very hands on so it sounds like it should be easy to find stuff for him to do, but it's hard to make it sound like a reward rather than a chore with some of the things I could think of that he might like, lol.

He gets all kinds of praise from everybody when he does what he is supposed to, and always gets a "You did really well and got what you were able to get done tonight in the amount of time you had. You should be proud." type of speech... well, up until recently when it turned into "You know what, I'm tired of you backtalking and telling me what you are and aren't going to do. You ARE going to do your chores, Mister!" lol.

My son and myself, both have issues with instant gratification. Which can become troublesome. Definitely make some sort of chore chart (a big one, like poster size) so that he can see himself getting closer to his goal. (the toy he wants so bad). Like another poster said, keep it positive... and get excited with him as he begins achieving what he needs to in order to have what he wants (ie 2 more chores and the new toys YOURS!! ! Play it up, and keep him motivated.) A big chart is a great visual reference. I know if my son can't see his progress, it means nothing to him. If I just 'tell' him, he gets lost in the process. Let him check off his chores with a marker as he's completing them, this also helps him to track his progress (which is a skill that anyone can benefit from). Make sure to keep some of his goals easy to achieve, so that he remains positive and confident in his new found abilities.

The number one biggest thing I can think of right now is to remain consistent. (This is where I have trouble). Keep doing this, and following the chart until it becomes second nature for all involved. Begin (a much simpler) chart for your daughter to follow as well. (She could work for jellybeans, or something else she loves) That way your son won't feel that this set up is aimed at just him, and seeing his little sister working hard as well may motivate him. I can't think of any 'rewards' right now, but as he's earning the ones that you decide on (let him have the biggest say in what he'd like to achieve) give him lots of love and praise, not only for his accomplishments, but also for his efforts. Best wishes.

This made me laugh, just the other day, my son told me that he was looking up a few things online, and that if I just left him alone, he'd "let" me go on the computer when he was finished.

I thought, "Thanks for the permission!" LOL

Oh, he was doing them just fine until last week-sheesh, getting it all done in 45 minutes or so, when he got the last item he was interested in that was in the bin, lol. The reward is the problem for him. He LOVES having lists and completing them... if the reward is worth it to him. His homework is always super easy for him, he finishes it in about 5 minutes tops. He does get unwinding time-I let him veg out a little on the TV or mess around with his legos for about an hour, but then it's time to clean things up, and that is when it's hard.

He has gotten really good at expressing his reasoning for it, as well as telling me when he is overwhelmed by things. His reason lately is simply "I don't have to." "You can't make me." "I don't feel like it." "You don't have anything I want anymore, so why should I do anything to help you out?"


Grrrrrr.... on that last one.

doh, dagnabbit-quoted you and hit submit without thinking about what I was doing, lol-the response is in the next one.

Last edited by anxiety25 on 21 Aug 2009, 8:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

Oh yes, they both have a chart. They also have a behavior chart (a smaller one) where they get extra super shiny magnets to put on it if they do things with a positive attitude, help one another out, do things without having to be told-things like that, and they work pretty hard to achieve those.... it's just the chores. I had to explain to my son last night that nobody likes cleaning, but when it doesn't get done, the mess gets bigger and bigger, and eventually it's too overwhelming to clean.

I also have a chart for myself, so it's not just them They see mommy participating in this as well... and my son could still care less because I don't have the super awesome $20 Indiana Jones whip to give him every night when he finishes his chores, lol.

I really really really wish I had a properly working digital camera so I could show you guys this set up. It worked BRILLIANTLY the entire first week, and my daughter still gets excited about doing her chores. She's doing better than the 8 year old and is only 4, lol. I'm so incredibly proud of this thing-it was a lot of work making it, but if I can just get him into the routine... that is the problem.

I need rewards good enough to get him to be doing it every night... then slowly work rewards to once in a while-bigger things maybe, or maybe a DS game on weekends, or he can save up or something along those lines.

But I think it could just be the change in general that is making him like this as well. He hates change, as much as I do-I DREAD it, and it makes me a mess. As any child, our aspies are going to fight tooth and nail until they finally cave in and just do it. That is what I'm waiting for, because once that starts, then it slowly starts becoming routine.

Last edited by anxiety25 on 21 Aug 2009, 8:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

Just a note about the Center for Autism behaviorist. All behaviorists are about negative reinforcement. Taking things away does NOTHING for my son except make him angry. He feels victimized and he rebels. I had the backtalking too, but I gently but sternly told him not to say that, in the same way every time and I didn't make a big deal. It went away pretty quickly because it had no effect on me and it got him nowhere. If a behavior persists there is something that the child is getting from it. Try to figure out what that is and don't give it to him.

I have no respect for the opinions of behaviorists. They focus on the "behavior" not the cause, and I have experienced that they have a one size fits all approach, and negative reinforcement may be exactly what your sons issues are.

Just keep that in mind. If the behavior is not hurting anyone (kicking, hitting, self harm) I would strongly suggest keeping it positive. Life is about choosing between behaviors and consequences is it not? Why not teach that early. Hard work gets you things you want. Not working gets you nothing. That is what I want my son to get from this. You choose to do nothing, the consequence is no reward. It's up to him what he wants.

Oh, they are VERY big on positive reinforcement. My son does start kicking, hitting, and choking his sister when he doesn't want to do something. So we use a different type of positive reinforcement.

They taught us all about writing down things statistically, writing down every event that caused the outburst, signs we noticed before it happened so we can catch it before it begins and all... so that we could get them to talk to us about how they were feeling before they auto reacted and tried to kill the kid who was sitting next to them, lol. I learned a LOT from them, and in phrasing, they made sure to tell us don't tell the kids they need a "time out for being bad" or anything like that, but rather "you seem like you may be getting a little bit overwhelmed. Would you like to come take a break with me for a little bit?"

They were very very good to us, and told us, the ways to handle things are not going to work for every child, and that as time goes on, new problems will arise. They also have "mentors" who are other parents of children with Asperger's and such that will come to your house and help figure out what might be going on, or give advice on how they handled it when the problems arose for them. I can't say enough good stuff about Judevine-the one in our area at least... and that's a lot considering I'm an Aspie as well, to be able to say they helped me out quite a bit in not only dealing with him, but also in figuring out ways to organize myself better as well.

The taking everything away was basically to get a fresh start at this for me-and to help my sanity. Yes, it was my own doing on that part, they never told me to take everything away, lol, just to give it to them in limited amounts of time so they don't have time to get bored with one item... that way it is always a motivator since they still are interested in it.

The method I'm using now... I forget off-hand what it is, but basically, it's a.... grrr-makes me wanna look up my paperwork now... but what it is, is in order to get a child to do a disliked chore or task, it is immediately followed up with something that they like. I'm wanting for some reason to say it was called a pre-mac schedule.... following a disliked activity by a liked one. But I'm not 100% sure what it was called.

Last edited by anxiety25 on 21 Aug 2009, 8:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, as I said, he does get pretty violent when he doesn't want to do something towards his sister. He's done some pretty scary things in the past. I don't take things away permanently. He just has to earn them back with positive behavior.

...and as I said, if the problem didn't go throughout the entire house between the 2 of them, it would be much more ideal to let him make the choice, lol. I'm really not quite so picky about his room, it's the other rooms he leaves the toys sitting around in that bothers me so much, because I'm tripping over things, stepping on them, and it's not my job to be his housemaid essentially. He needs to learn to be responsible for his things as well-many of his toys have been broken because of this exact problem, and then he is confused as to why he doesn't get new things very often. I've basically told him "if you want the stuff in your room to get broken and stepped on, that is fine, just make sure I have a path to walk through so I don't get hurt when I need to walk through your room." But when it comes to the other rooms... it drives me NUTS to step on something and break it by accident, then have him look at me and say "you should have watched where you were going mom... now my toy is broken because of you".

As I said, his attitude has gotten a LOT worse since he's been around this particular little girl, and I've found both of my next door neighbor's children (who used to come around a lot) to be quite bossy, possessive, mean, and liars.

I think now that school has started, once we get back into OUR routine, it will calm quite a bit and stop, as this is just very very out of character for him in general. He's never gotten me to the point of making him earn it all back.

I also kind of look at him earning everything back as a life lesson too though. He seemed rather indifferent, almost excited that I was clearing out his room. It gave him motivation to actually want to clean to get that stuff back, and he was smiling and thanking me for it by the end of the night... which is really bizarre, because I pretty much lost it and here he is thanking mommy for losing her mind temporarily so he can... well, it almost seemed like he was looking at it as doing chores and then going to the toy store to pick out what he wanted.... even though it was already his to begin with, lol.

I am very pleased to hear that you found a behaviorist that is about positive reinforcement. That just has not been my experience and it's been very frustrating because I feel they just don't listen to me when I tell them it doesn't work. Not to say that he doesn't respond to a negative consequence, but that is in very specific circumstances.

You have a tough job and the instant gratification thing is hard. I make my son wait for everything. I'll get a drink in a minute...I'll get that in 5 minutes...if he fusses he waits longer. It's paid off. Another poster also mentioned being consistent...that is key. He may rebel, but keep it up...he'll get it!

Hang in there!

I also kind of look at him earning everything back as a life lesson too though. He seemed rather indifferent, almost excited that I was clearing out his room. It gave him motivation to actually want to clean to get that stuff back, and he was smiling and thanking me for it by the end of the night... which is really bizarre, because I pretty much lost it and here he is thanking mommy for losing her mind temporarily so he can... well, it almost seemed like he was looking at it as doing chores and then going to the toy store to pick out what he wanted.... even though it was already his to begin with, lol.[/quote]

This is kind of like the renting thing. If he keeps his eyes on the prize... I like the idea to give him a prefered activity directly after a chore. Also, if you can find a way to make a chore fun. Is he competitive? Try racing to see who can make their bed first, and let him win. Make a game out of it. Racing is my son's obsession, and I integrate it into everything.