My Aspie son has threatened to kill me.

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My boyfriend, also an aspie, has threatened to kill both his parents and me on several occasions. I have wondered if he's also Bipolar but it could just be his aspieness. I think it's a common aspie thing because a) we find it hard to control rage and b) we hate being told what to do or having our flaws pointed out and c) we don't always see the difference between deliberate and accidental acts. Whatever your son feels when you tell him to dry his hands, it makes him angry and he feels like you did that on purpose. Hopefully the killing you thing is hyperbole.

southwestforests - wow, that little "I'm wrong" thing really sums up how I feel a lot of the time.

QFT (To both the above posts)

I also really relate to the southwestforests' "I'm Wrong" thing... That was ALWAYS how it was for me. It didn't matter what I did, it was still wrong.. and then it seemed so silly and useless to try to get better if I was still going to be treated the same way anyway. Why put massive amounts of effort into being good if you're always going to be treated as though you're bad? People always said things like "cooler heads will prevail" but no matter how much effort I put into being calm, I still never prevailed. So how long could I possibly continue to put effort into it?

I was always saying in 6th grade I want to kill my student teacher and wish I could throw her off a cliff. But I never literally meant it. I was just venting and I kept being pulled out of class and being given articles to read about kids being suspended from school for saying they want to kill someone and mom told me a kindergardener got kicked out of school for talking about a gun. It took them a month to teach me so I finally stopped because I didn't want to be kicked out of school. Now today, it's being thrown in jail for saying you want to kill someone than being suspended. Times have changed.


The student teacher was very short and I was much bigger and taller than her and she was a size of a ten year old despite that she had boobs and a woman's body.

All I can tell you is I remember once when I was 10 I told one of my teachers I wanted to stab them with a knife for some reason, I think they really irritated me or something, don't remember how they responded though. But I never ment it, and just said it because I was angery for some reason, mostly with violence people claim to want to do something but very very rarely do they actually go through with it.

Also I told my brother stuff like I wish he was dead, and I wanted to kill him when I was younger, and I guess when I was younger I just didn't see the seriousness of it. And when I look back I'm like how in the world could I say such a thing.

But kids rarely know quite how to feel about something, maybe its harder for kids on the autistic spectrum, I remember telling my PT teacher that I hated going to PT, and a moment later I was crying about wanting to go back.

But I'm guessing your son probably needs help of some kind, that was all 10 or under when I said the above.

It is wrong for your son to punch holes in the wall or threaten you with physical violence, but I am beginning to wonder what is it that you have done to have inspired this kind of behavior. You should know that no one here can ever advise you on what needs to be done because we simply do not know enough. So why are you telling us this? And does your need for support and affirmation have anything to do with your son’s hatred towards you? Many parents of autistic children cannot help but abuse the child because they blame these children for all the problems in their lives. The abusive mother/care-giver is actually a taboo subject when it comes to autism because of how much they are perceived to have given the child; but it is prevalent, perhaps, even to the point of being the norm. If you want help, then speak honestly about why he might hate you to the extent that he wants to kill you. Understanding why he may think that you are a bad mother is the least you can do before you commit him to a facility.

P.S. To the busybodies who want to play internet therapist, please spare a thought for the kid before you talk of calling the authorities on him. If you do not know what is actually happening, it is best not to offer up such dramatic recommendations.

You mean like such "dramatic recommendations" as telling the OP that she must be a bad, abusive mother, and she needs to go think about it until she comes up with the how, and why she's a horrible mom? Seriously, that was an awful, mean spirited post. She is looking for advice, and maybe she is looking for validation, too. If you've ever had an ASD kid that you can't seem to reach you already feel like a failure. She doesn't need to be kicked while she's down. I don't see anything in ANY of her posts that would suggest that she's doing anything abusive to her son. If so, I'd be the first to say it. You have no reason, or evidence to make such harsh allegations about this person's parenting. That kind of character attack was uncalled for IMO.

Your expressions of “me first” / “pity me” are one of the key drivers in the parental abuse towards autistic children. Almost everyone would be ashamed to admit that they have been abused, but autistic children in particular have internalized a sense of wrongness and worthlessness which results in silence that abets ongoing abuse. If you cannot see that this person is doing something wrong by going on the internet to broadcast her son’s shameful behavior while painting a picture of herself as a controlled and almost martyr like being, then you belong to the majority who choose to turn a blind eye to the suffering of autistic children. Just because you have been pushed to the edge does not mean that you have a right to ill treat others. Her son’s alleged acts of violence do not justify her own misdeeds.

There is no advice that this woman can hope to obtain on the internet which would be pertinent to her situation. She does not tell us enough and her story is obviously slanted in her favor. Aside from gathering attention, her post will humiliate her son if he frequents these boards, and actually then provoke even more acts of violence. You can tell from what she has said that she is wary of being cast as a provocateur. In this sense, she may actually want him to tip over. Would she want him institutionalized so that she can be rid of him once and for all?

Why don't you just leave the speculation to those who have atleast seen her once?

your attitude is archaic. moms make mistakes, yeah, but calling her a child abuser is a stretch, as is your assertion that her son hates her. how do you know? maybe he doesn't think she's a bad mother, maybe he's just frustrated, yet you're talking about his feelings as if they're a known quantity.

I understand that this last paragraph is directed at me. you should go back and read what I wrote instead of jumping to conclusions.

there's a lot to be gained by being on this board. taking care of my NLD son with no help wore me out and made me more prone to depression and anxiety. you want to tell me to keep it to myself and not talk about it online, when there is no hope of going to a local support group?

it's because of my son's inpatient treatment and sending him to live with his father that his situation improved. would you accuse me of "getting rid" of my son? life where he lives sucks for him. his dad is an impulsive narcissist. it's still better for him to live there because of the emotional turmoil his dad put him through TRYING to get him there.

my circumstances are indeed very different from the OP, but your equating inpatient treatment with "institutionalized", calling the OP and abuser and telling her she should keep her s**t offline and inferring what you did about me is so extreme and... well, intolerant... that I suggest YOU examine why YOU feel that way. perhaps you're projecting your unpleasant experiences onto someone who has nothing to do with you.

You're out of line here. Take a step back. The kid punches holes in the wall, threatens his little sister and then tells his mom he wants to kill her & you're blaming her for his behavior?

If you're insinuating that because he's AS and he can't control himself or should not be held accountable for his actions it doesn't say much of your view of people with AS.

I've seen nothing but loving concern coming from his mother. Yes, it's just her side of the story. But it rings true. Not just to me, but almost every other poster here as well.

What you posted was crappy and uncalled for.

Not just to me, but almost every other poster here as well.

Is there a pettation i can sign....

.... if there isnt should i make one.... how about, "suport the misunderstood"?

I might just do that...


im sure she kinda means well.. but i think she is part of the cause..

btw.. i hope you know he could read this thread...

I believe she came here to ask for advice and what to do with her son. Lot of moms don't want to send their kids away and it's very hard for them to make that decision I heard.

Face it, some kids are violent or mean and I knew an aspie boy who abused his mother and his mother sure didn't abuse him. Why did the boy abuse his mother? To get his way, he was in control of her and she was afraid of him. She and her husband would send him away for him to get help and he come back and be himself again after a few weeks because he wasn't getting his way. He had more than AS, he also had ODD. His mother couldn't even keep him locked up for her own safety and for every time he go back to his old self because she loved him too much.

The OP's son just got upset because she told him to dry his hands. What more information do we need here?
I think it's insulting to assume a kid is being abused just because they are violent or disrespectful. I was disrespectful in my teens and my mother had threatened to send me away if I kept hitting her so what did I do, I stopped. But I never threatened to kill her or punched holes in walls but I broke my picture frame once. I felt abused in my teens but that was just me being a brat because I also wanted my way and was trying to use my AS as en excuse for things and to get my way and they never used it as an excuse. They just let me suffered and deal with things and refused to not let my brothers have parties or make their home look like a palace to satisfy me and to keep my depression down. Even my own therapist told me it's wrong for parents to let their autistic children have their way because they need to deal with life and learn.

So just because a kid is mean doesn't mean he is being abused. It angers me for people to assume a kid can't be violent or abusive to their parents and it's gotta be the parent, not the kid. When will the ignorance stop?

Last edited by Spokane_Girl on 10 Sep 2009, 1:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

When will the ignorance stop?

when we are enliehtened we simply do not know enougth

the attitude that it's always the parent was the biggest hurdle in getting my son services he really needed.

I have a question.. was there a threat, or was the statement "I want to kill you"? It may or may not make a difference in this particular case, but I know that for me, they're two very different things.
Like, I may say "I want to die" or "I wish I were dead" or any number of similar things, but none of those indicate intention to do so. They're expressions of misery, hopelessness, being overwhelmed.

For someone who doesn't know how to properly express or communicate extreme misery, that "I want to" seems to me like it could be like a "how can you not understand how unhappy I am?!"