Failure and Bottled Up Rage

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I have a problem. I hate everyone. But not really. I hate myself, that's the real issue. I'm a big girl. Used to be a lot slimmer, very pretty, described frequently as "stunning" etc. Now I look frumpy and kinda like someone's eccentric aunt. I wouldn't want to be skinny but I don't want to be fat. I can't wear the quirky fashions I once did and have never got to try out many new ones. I'm covered in self-inflicted scars and stretch marks. Having a "look" was central to me, a big part of my identity. Now it's gone. I don't have any money. I'm doing voluntary work and living off the state. I am poor. I'm not as successful as I thought I'd be and I'm not as successful as my school peers. A lot of them are married, some even have babies. All have careers, mostly in medicine. I have a degree - I took twice the time I should have to complete it and am in twenty two thousand pounds of student debt - and have had one office job, from which I was fired and haven't worked since. I want to be a university lecturer but can't afford the tuition for my masters. I live alone in a studio flat.

So when I see girls who look pretty, with nice clothes I would choose to wear, I hate them. It's an all-consuming hatred that makes my heart beat fast and makes me want to cry. I find myself having elaborate fantasies of murdering them as I sit next to them on the bus or pass them in town. When I read about someone my age having a house of their own or getting married I feel physically pained. When I see a young woman pass, driving a car, nice clothes, cool hair - I think "Why? Why them and not me?" It's not like I haven't worked hard or like I have a victim mentality. It has taken me all I have to get to where I am today. There was a time when I couldn't leave my house or even my bed, there was a time I couldn't even imagine going to work every day.

It doesn't help that I like girls as well as boys so when I see a girl I think is hot I have a horrible moment where I'm like ooh, she's...argh, I hate her! It's so upsetting. I don't want to feel this way anymore. The more I feel this the more intense it becomes. It's getting harder and harder to bottle it up. My stupid slip up the other day (argument with my boyfriend, scratched and bruised myself, haven't done it in years) has made me worry about how much this bottled up rage is getting to me.

What can I do? Does anyone else feel like this?

I get frustrated quite a bit when I see people moving into big houses and such... but I think it's because I know I will likely NEVER achieve that... yet, would love a house I could do whatever I wanted with. (I used to have this fun idea about color coding rooms, essentially, but would never get away with it in a place I rent, lol-landlords would get really angry I'm sure)

Do I feel like a failure? I'm not really sure... I know I feel a bit inadequate at times. But it depends on who I am around as well. If I'm hearing someone always talking about their things, I do feel quite inadequate... but if I am around someone who doesn't talk about what they have or pay attention to what I have, then I feel just fine.

I do feel like by my age, I should be SOMEWHERE in my life, at least have a job. That part is kind of problematic when I let it bother me, and it crops up quite a bit. I feel like it is my responsibility to be responsible for myself, take care of myself, etc., but I am unable, and that can be rather depressing. Every job I've had I have been fired from, and I've never been given a good reason. Once I was fired for looking "suspicious" because of my stims and lack of eye contact. Another time, the manager said she didn't like me and fired me. Another, my daughter went into the hospital with pneumonia and RSV and I had to call in-they fired me that same day. Seems they are always looking for reasons to get rid of me.

I am grateful that I have 2 children... but I guess it bothers me that I am less independent than I *should* be in this exact situation.

I have help from my boyfriend's family, and that bothers me a lot... state assistance bothers me to get too. It's not a pride thing, but I always think there is someone who needs it more than I do probably, so I feel bad taking it. I just feel like I should be doing it all on my own, and still have troubles coming to terms with the fact that I'm not able to ultimately... unless I found a REALLY REALLY understanding employer and pffft-I don't think that will happen as it hasn't in the 11 years I have worked on/off.

I don't think I have any bottled up rage, but I do get this overwhelming sense of inadequacy at times when I look at other families and think about other families I've been around in the past and all... and I just don't match that.

I've moved past feelings of failure in comparison to others.
But I let myself down on a daily basis.
I know I could be doing so much better than I am.
It never seems to add up, and I feel like a failure sometimes.

Yes, this is the main reason I don't associate with my peers. Just too embarrassing. 'So where do you work?' makes me want to cry.

A failure. Comparison with my peers makes it worse, because my potential seems greater than theirs, but here I am stuck at their level. Worse again, they seem content, while I'm not.

Yes... I hate admitting I'm still a cashier after years of extra courses and even some college.

"So, what have you done since college?"
"Nothing. I'm still a cashier."
"Oh. How sad."
(me, staring at floor miserably and not talking anymore.)

I wish I could give you some advice, Touch, but I'm afraid I lack the experience and maturity. I do recognise some of the things you're saying here, even though I'm something of a quitter where you're a fighter. But yes, I'm currently not in the place I figured I'd be at this age (22) when I was a kid. I do feel that I have failed in many regards. And I sometimes feel envious of people who do have a room of their own (instead of living with at my father's place) or who are in university (I'm still trying to get there).

I do think it's good that you can identify your building rage and stop to think about what you can do to keep the 'bomb' from exploding. Similarly, I took a week off from work just now so I could try and put some things in perspective for myself. I haven't actually found my answers just yet, mind. I've noticed that in the past couple of weeks I've been a lot more tense and have more trouble keeping my temper, but it's probably just a spell.

When I find myself in a situation that very much appears to have the shape of a 'dead end', I usually pedal back a bit, and focus on what's good, what's there, what I have to be happy about, instead of focusing on what I do not have. I think that's always a good starting point in any situation. Of course, you shouldn't take my word for it, because I haven't even begun to get anywhere yet.

Yes, Yes, YES. Yes about the body and weight, about the failure, about the inability to work, about the scars.. Yes to almost all of it.

Thanks, CyclopsSummers, for a very interesting response. It sounds like you have a great perspective on things.

I'm working on the same things you're working on. I try to focus on what's good and what's healthy, although my failures, real and imagined, outward and inward, small and big, do tend to jump up and smack me around a bit. A step back for perspective is often a good thing.

OP, it's hard for me to know what to tell you, except that beating yourself up won't help. I guess what I do when I'm really down and angry at myself is take one small thing that I *can* get a grip on, and grab it. Maybe that small thing is being able to say "I got the trash out this morning" or "My socks match today." Might not seem like much, but it's better than a big zero.

The trick of course is to not follow it up with "but the neighbor didn't have any trouble at all getting the trash out, and their victory for the day was probably landing some big new account or performing successful brain surgery." Ok then. I have to keep telling myself that my victories are MY victories; even as small as they may be, they matter to ME.

I am "only" an assembly worker, and I'm Old. But I'm a very good one. I think it's somewhat of a miracle that I actually have a job and do well at it. For me, that's a victory, and a big one. Do I wish my life had worked out as I had it all planned? You bet. Twenty years ago, did I see myself doing something "better" or "more important"? You bet. But I can embrace the present reality (ok, most of it, most days) because I am doing as well as I can for myself. Maybe someday "as well as I can" will look different than it does today. Meanwhile, I'm not going to let what others think about what I do take away my victory.

I dont know whats wrong with people. I feel great about myself, almost to the point of narcissism with grandoise delusions, because i am me and if anyone has a problem with me thats their problem, not mine. The only thing that makes me ever feel bad is thinking that the world doesnt deserve my greatness. People make their own problems.

This, though maybe a little less so. I have very high self-confidence. I will also be the first to admit that I am extremely lucky in this regard. I feel like that confidence and optimism has very successfully carried me through many adversities in life.


I'm not that cynical about the world. In fact, I'm probably still too naive about it.

I want to share my take on the world with everyone and anyone who is interested, but I'm not going to get bent out of shape thinking about those that aren't. They have things to do, and so do I.

And I am sorry if my response is inducing rage into anyone. I get the feeling I royally tick people off when I talk about optimism and self-confidence. If I weren't that way, I would probably find it very annoying.

In social terms I do because most of the people I know either have a girlfriend or have alot of friends. However in terms of my education & what I want to do I think I'm doing better but thats just in my opinion.

I don't experience the rage, but do get frustrated. No matter how hard some work or how skilled they are, they can still experience powerlessness because it nearly all comes down to having adequate social interaction skills. A deficit in such skills is rarely accommodated and frequently misunderstood.

Rage emerges when there's a lack of control over circumstances. If there is little possibility of gaining more control and you are already doing your best, then going through a grieving process to reach acceptance is one way of eventually obtaining peace.

I recommend reminding yourself of this comment when you next experience them.

A study of the happiest people in the world (Danes) showed the reason why....LOW EXPECTATIONS.

Here in America, we are pushed to hold ourselves to high ideals. That's not totally wrong. It's good to strive for better things, but we put so much emphasis on it that the majority set goals so high that failure is inevitable and we are miserable because of it.

I've failed in so many ways...fallen short of my goals in life...failed to attain what I thought I should easily have (from watching my peers).

Now that I understand why I've failed so much, I've given myself permission to not hold myself to such high expectations and let go of the guilt and conviction I felt for failing.

Yes, I certainly have my moments (days/weeks) when I feel like I'm a hack & a fraud - that I'm not as skilled as I should be, or that I haven't achieved any of the things in life that my peers have achieved.

Right at this moment, I'm actually feeling pretty good & have been for quite some time. This period started a couple years ago, when I decided to do something about my life - change those things that were in my power to change. I also decided to stop worrying about the things in my life that I can't change.

So with a focus on the future me, I started to exercise every day (I was "frumpy") and eat a nutritious, balanced diet. Two things really did the trick for me - (1) I exercised to the point of exhaustion (about an hour of very vigorous exercise) every day. (2) I started weighing my food & kept track of everything I put in my mouth.

I also decided to eat as close to nature as possible - minimal processing, lots of whole grains. I didn't cut any foods out of my diet, or eat more of any one type of food. I wanted to make a long-term life change - so the things I started doing, I convinced myself that they would be for the rest of my life.

Lost 50 pounds.

But I also decided to not fret about things that happened in the past. I can't change how well I did in school, or join a fraternity in college. I can't change my failed relationships, or get married in my twenties.

My point is that everyone has parts of their life that they can change - but those things are all in the present. Things that happened in the past - happened. We have to live with the consequences & go on from there.

yes. i fail at so many things. i feel like i'm destined to do nothing. with such powerful social anxiety, every job seems miserable. i cant imagine not getting bored with my job. and i fail at school. i got 18% on my maths test today....