I lost my grandfather less than two weeks ago. The timing was really bad because his death was very unexpected and rapid. I hadn't even known he was sick to begin with because no one tells me anything since my mother chooses to treat me like a child who is incapable of handling news that might upset me too much. I was over 1000 miles away on a short trip when I got the call that he was dying and later that night as I was checking Facebook I found out through one of my aunt's status updates that he died, which pissed me off. However I was also so upset that the one time I leave the area this happened and that I didn't have a chance to be with him like the rest of the family was. It didn't seem real to me at first, though I cried here and there but not nearly as much as when my other grandfather died several years back. This made me feel terrible because I I valued both of them a great deal and always felt more of a connection to my grandparents, my grandfathers particularly, than my parents or most anyone else. At the viewing and service I felt a bit lost and while I was upset and cried I think part of me was holding back because I don't like showing emotion in public and the other part felt really disconnected from the Catholic service. While I was raised Catholic and it is a part of my culture I haven't practiced in in years and have no belief in a God and the afterlife. So it didn't really feel comforting. I cried the most afterward when they played Taps before taking his casket back outside. For some reason that touched me far more than anything else.
But lately I have been crying on and off randomly because the fact that I will never see him hasn't fully sunk in yet. I mean it has, but I find it so difficult to believe. I used to go there every weekend when I was younger and lived at home, but in recent years I hardly visited at all, mostly due to the difficultly I have understanding how to maintain personal relationships like a 'normal' person. I hadn't seen him since Easter and I know that out of everyone in my family he is definitely the one who would have done ANYTHING for me and he always loved seeing me. He was also one of the only people who ever showed me any type of physical affection, and while I have never been comfortable with hugs and kisses and used to sort of roll my eyes whenever would tell me that he wasn't letting me in the house or leave the house without giving him a hug or kiss, I appreciate the fact that he was that affectionate now more than ever.
Sorry to hijack your thread, but people grieve in all sorts of ways. After my maternal grandfather died several years ago I had to stay with my grandmother and she showed no emotion at all outwardly which I found strange. My mother barely showed any either. I however was a wreck because I tend to be more emotional than them. But after my paternal grandfather's death that grandmother and my two aunts showed a great deal of emotion outwardly so it felt quite different.
Also I don't know if you are a male or a female, but your gender could be another reason why you aren't expressing emotion as much. I know this is stereotypical in ways, but in my experience I definitely notice that the males in my family try to show few signs of emotion in such situations outwardly. At my grandfathers funeral my father remained pretty calm and so did most of the other males there, while most of the females displayed emotion. My little brother and cousin didn't show any emotion either, though I think the fact that they are 9 and 8 years old probably also played a part in that, though my father's girlfriend's daughter who is around their age was very emotional. I think most males feel that they have to be the 'strong' ones in such situations and their protective nature wants them to be able to be at the service of others who are more visibly upset. And they also do process emotions differently to some extent.
There is no right and wrong to feel emotion. Sometimes I will feel next to nothing and other times my feelings will be extremely intense (even if I don't know how to describe them or why they are occurring). It is common for all people in general. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, unless you are trying to suppress your feelings to the point that it is harmful to yourself or you are choosing to permanently stay in denial and it doesn't sound like you are (and I mean like permanently, not the normal denial that comes at first). You may feel grief more subtly, like when a random thought about your grandmother pops into your head or you are in a situation that reminds you of her and the fact that she is missing. I wouldn't stress about it at all however.
06 Nov 2009, 3:52 am
