Asperger or just introverted with social anxiety?

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Recently, I came upon the Asperger syndrome (and this forum), did some of the online Aspie tests -- and felt that I might have finally found an explanation for myself.

I don't know a good way to begin this, but let me just say that I always felt as a stranger compared to other people in my life. I always hated meaningless small-talk and avoided large groups. And I always tried to understand everything by logic, although many things people did appeared very illogical. I'm now 30 years old and largely "functioning" normal in business life by adapting (I work as a scientist) but social encounters are still a big problem for me.

As far as I can remember I never had more than one “real” friend at once (and sometimes even not that). I remember that during elementary school I had one kid I played a lot with but I didn’t like larger groups which lead to problems on school trips. Later, I found another friend (but “lost” the earline one) but during puberty things went downhill and I had virtually no real friends any more (by then I was also bullied by some people). I didn’t belong to a certain clique and the school breaks were hard for me because I felt awkward, being alone most of the time. Of course I didn’t attend the graduation ball and faked an illness in order not to go to the final, one-week school trip to Paris. During these years my computer was my biggest hobby (both computer games which I play excessively, especially strategy games, and programming).

Despite these social problems I was a very good pupil and had good marks throughout all fields (especially natural sciences and mathematics) – except for sports, where I was mediocre at best and known for my clumsiness (I remember that my sports teacher once led me run several times to look how “funny” it looked). During university these problems persisted although I befriended one other student which didn’t have any other friends, either. I always sought some company, but I also need a lot of time for myself. When going to a party (which I do very seldom) or to a family meeting, I need time after it to recreate myself. And I get easily annoyed by loud noises and unfamiliar situations.

During my university years I fell in love with the friend I met there (which ultimately led to the end of this friendship) – and came to the conclusion that I was gay (which never came to my mind before). By then I thought I had found an explanation for me being “different” (and was quite relieved) but later found out that I didn’t understand gay people or the gay community in general either. They were just the same for me regarding partying and being in social groups. I should add that I have a boy-friend by now (who is NT) but don’t have any other friends.

Now, working in science, I have few “work-related” problems – e.g. I have no problem giving presentations or talking to colleagues about work-related matters. However, I have big problems when interacting with other people on a more “informal” basis (e.g. small-talk, going out for lunch, social events at conferences etc.). I try to avoid these occasions, although they are important to get in touch with scientists from other working groups. By now, I have excessive social anxiety. I always try to fit in but most of the time I feel that it just doesn’t work out. It just seems that my interests are so different from those of other peoples (e.g. I don’t really like going out to bars or to party).

Looking at the DSM criteria for AS, I fulfill most of them but not all. E.g. my social problems during childhood weren’t that massive that I didn’t find any friends (see above). Also, while I had some special interests (e.g. some special computer games which I played excessively, or watching and finding information about Stark Trek) I’m not sure if they would really classify. I am a very mind-driven person and have problems expressing my emotions (or relating to other peoples’ emotions), which makes other people often thinking about myself being very “cold”. And like I wrote above I’m much more comfortable with just one person than a larger group. Also, I might add, I probably suffer from Prosopagnosia (always have troubles recognizing people in unfamiliar settings or in crowds).

I wonder if I’m just very introverted (in an extroverted world, resulting in social anxiety) of if there’s more to it. What do you think? Is there a way to find out besides doing these online tests (which pointed for me having AS, although not on the “extreme” end)? Any help is greatly appreciated.

Andy

PS: Sorry for my bad English, I'm from Germany.

PPS: I tried to keep this as short as possible but have to reckon that it is thus a very incomplete picture.

First off: Your English is excellent. I didn't see a single error.

By the sounds of it, I would say you probably have AS. I'm no psychologist though, so don't take my word for it. I would go get checked out if possible.

What field of science do you work in? I'm aspiring to become a scientist too.

No debilitating routine problems, no sensory issues, no all-consuming interests? Probably just socially awkward, I'd guess.

Sounds like my life except

1. I have a best friend right now. But he's the only REAL friend I have + his brother is pretty friendly to me also. I got like 3 acquaintances/friends (it changes).

2. I realized I was gay when I was 13. I envy the fact you're able to get a BF, lol.

3. Lmao @ the part where you faked illness to miss a school event. I think I did that unconsciencely last year. ALTHOUGH, I was really sick but it was right before an all day school event. (now I think that happened twice XD, I don't remember).

4. Oh yeah, and generally when talking to people about things related to school or work I'm very clear at articulating my thoughts to the other person. However, when small talk or social related like you said I completely screw up. :p



My questions for you:

How on earth did you find a BF? Juicy details please since I don't think I will ever be successful romantically. Are you attractive physically so they don't care that much about your aspie tendencies, etc? I hope its not too intrusive. You can answer them if you like.

I feel more comfortable with gay men than straights, they're usually a lot nicer and more interesting and fun to be around. Maybe gay is the sex version of aspie?

Hey, thanks for all your your replies! Wouldn't have expected to get so much feedback.

I'm working on my PhD in physics (almost finished) and do atomistic simulations. I think if there is one area where people with AS or related problems can excel, it's science. Social interactions aren't that important there (even though you still need them) and you can dig really deep into a topic you like.



Well, I didn't mention everything -- I have a lot of routine in my everday's live. I hate it e.g. if something on my desk has been misplaced at work (or something in my flat at home). I tend to do thing always the same and it costs some conscious effort doing it otherwise. But it's not that it really affects me negatively (although sometimes people find my behavior strange). Regarding "sensory issues", I am very sensitive to light and like to wear sunglasses. I slept for years with earplugs every night although I live in a quiet neighborhood. And it strains me a lot being in places with lots of people or lots of noises. But somehow I adapted to avoid these situations or "regenerate" afterwards.

I'm not sure if these symptoms are also "normal" for people who are just socially awkward, without an underlying condition. I once met an autist, who could be clearly recognized as one (and he told me that he got his diagnosis as a child). However, he told me that from my manner of speak and my general style to interact with him and others, he immediately would classify me also as autistic. I discarded his "diagnosis" then but now I'm thinking that he might have been right. Looking at the diagnosis criteria I think I would be barely fit as having AS -- but probably easily fit as PDD-NOS.



I think I'm not too bad looking, so that was probably an advantage. However, I would probably never have found a BF just by going to bars or discos (which I don't like anyways) because I tend to "shut down" in these situations. I found my first BF (actually I have had two ) via online dating, which is much easier for me -- and which allowed me to first chat a lot with him, before actually meeting him. Even though being extrovert is valued highly in our society, I noticed that some people are also attracted by more introvert people like me (even if they are not themselves). It's probably because they are looking for more calm at home (don't really know how to describe this). I have to admit that my AS (or social phobia or whatever it is ) also lead to big problems. I often need time for myself and couldn't really relate to the friends of my BF. That was also a reason why we ultimately broke up. But thankfully I found another BF (also by online dating) and we are now a couple for several years. I think it's very important to find someone where you can be yourself and not have to hide your real nature.

Andy, with a few minor edits, you just told my life story. ("scientist" gets replaced with "eningeer" and "has boyfriend" becomes "perpetually single", for example). Even your style of writing reminds me of myself somewhat. I'm in the same position, wondering how to discriminate between healthy introversion, standard mood & personality disorders, and autism spectrum disorders like Aspergers. I started with online quizzes and library research, and progressed by talking with the Aspergers Association of New England (AANE), and now I am working my way one nervous phone call at a time towards finding a clinician with experience recognizing and diagnosing Autism Spectrum Disorders in adults.

It feels a bit to be looking for a medical professional's opinion when my homosexuality is completely self-diagnosed, and I'm fine with that

As as aside, I figured out I was gay relatively late compared to my friends (early 20s), and I remember reading many coming-out stories that began "I always knew I was different". That opening I completely identified with, but most of those stories continued "because I knew I was gay", which I never understood. The stories of people on the spectrum ring much truer in that regard.

Tom

But tou have a need for routine or is more a question of inertia?

"Pure" introverts can have a very routinly life also, but in their case is not a need for routine but simply an absence of need for variety (what creates routine more by default than by an active preference).

I never thought that someone else would have a similar "story" (because I always thought that mine was very strange) but it's good to hear that, Tom. I think I am at a similar turning point in my life as you are -- I didn't yet finding a clinician for a diagnosis but I am seriously contemplating it. Not that it really would matter in the grand scheme of things (since you can't really do something about it), but it would probably help me better understand and better accept myself. I always tried to "fit in" in my life, just to be like the others, and I think it would be much healthier for me to just accept who I am.

BTW, it would be nice if you could update me (and the rest of the forum) when you have found more clarity. I guess many people have similar problems with diagnosing themselves...



That's the same for me. I didn't find out that I was gay until I was 22 -- when suddenly everything seemed to make perfect sense (although I was still a little bit unsure at first). It's kind of the same situation now for me thinking about having AS (or at least autistic traits). It would also explain a lot but I don't want to hastily jump to conclusions. The strange thing is that a good online acquaintance once told me that he suspected me to be gay (before I knew it myself), which I discarded then. And as I wrote above, someone autistic also once told me once that he suspects me to have AS. Of course I don't want to generalize it, but it's still a strong hint. Somehow other people seem to assess these things more clearly than I do.



That is a tough question for me. I think that without routine I would definitely not feel well, i.e. if someone would force me to change my routine daily, I wouldn't like that and get stressed. I still like to try out new things sporadically but I'm kind of "rigid" in my behavior. I don't know if it's really related but e.g. when driving I like to set my radio always exactly at the same baseline volume (it's digital) and when I increase the volume when driving on a highway e.g., I always increase it by two "points" or four points (I don't like uneven numbers). Is this also something AS-related or just being unnecessary obsessive about these things?