The Truth about Socialization

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I've come to realize having an active social life is really over-rated; moreso than I'd once believed.

I know so many folks here seem to believe that their Autism is holding them back in life and preventing them from having friends and being liked and all that. In a way, I'd say it's doing you a favor.

See, one thing I notice about "the social life" is that we look for in it is what I refer to as the "utopian fantasy".

We're looking for a social life where things always go smoothly with all our buds, they're always good to us, and things are just always peachy keen.

Here's the reality....if it's ever like that, it's for a time, and that's about it; it's usually not even a long-lasting time.

In order for that scenario to be present, everyone in the group has to pretty much be on the same page, and want the same thing overall at that given time.

Humans constantly change, and what they look for in life will be different things at different times...and yes, it does affect the social life; it always does. Not a bad thing, it's just natural change and personal evolution.

Another thing to understand is that--and this mostly goes for NTs, sorry to say it--humans love drama. They'll put up with a lot of sh*t from their friends because their emotional states thrive on drama.

Why do you think people watch the news, or why soap operas have lasted so long? It's all drama...and without it, most humans would find each other boring as sin.

At least...the NTs would anyway.

Basically, know what you're getting into when you look for a social life: you're getting loads of baggage, and you're getting lots of people who will treat each other well some of the time, and at other times treat each other like sh*t.

"But, not everyone in the world is like that", you may be saying.

True...but those that aren't are usually the ones busy in a laboratory, writing scientific equations on a chalkboard, or working out some very big marketing strategies...or are busy on an archaeological expedition.

Many of those people can occasionally be considered your friends...but usually won't have the time for you that those with all the drama and baggage will. It's nothing against you either...they're just too busy focusing on their chosen field. And, if they suddenly do find a considerable amount of time for you, it's usually because they want something from you. Human nature, really...

Albert Einstein's closest contacts? I believe a potential assistant, his chalkboard, and chalk.

Seriously....think about it.

Drama or not, I would rather have friends than have none at all. The only friends I have are overseas and I cant hang with them in person.

Don't get me wrong: I have friends, but I assure you that the wonderful & amazing experience you might think it is...it isn't really all that & a bag o'chips.

In many ways it's overrated, in others it's important. We all have our illusions of a perfect life.

I guess it's how one defines him/herself.. I want to make a positive impact on the world around me. I learned a long time ago not to base my happiness on any one person but myself.. so I try to create my happiness.. sometimes I fail, sometimes I succeed. I do know that having people around help me pull out of depression at times.

Having people around has more positive things than negative (unless someone is in an abusive relationship). People offer different views on subjects to help us expand our knowledge.

I like people, and need them in my life, and to that end I'm willing to put up with some necessary socializing with those I care about. When necessary I spend time out in public -- such as to shop, etc. But I prefer my own company most of the time, and in those times in my life when I was forced to do lots of social activities, including school and work in a busy office, I tended to get burned out really easily. I get migraines, ever since I was a kid, and mostly when I've had to spend too much time around people. When I worked outside home, I had migraines regularly, at times almost constantly. Since I took early retirement I have almost no migraines except those that are weather related. So the need to socialize definitely takes its toll on me.

This has been important to me, learning to not try so hard to please everyone else, just to be myself more and relax, let down my guard. For too many years I worked too hard to please others -- and they still thought I was odd.

I like socializing, and I have friends I like seeing...but it feels like a drug that might kill me if I took too much of it.

I remember going to a metal concert, and I saw a friend there and we made eye contact and smiled, and I was really happy to see her, but that connection with another human being felt emotionally like being impaled.

I think I make this worse though by spending lots of time alone...

In my late teens and early twenties I enjoyed it very much. As I got up into my thirties and now forties, I don't really want people hanging around trying to entertain me or waiting for me to entertain them. I'd rather just do things on my own. My need for socializing is really pretty much filled by all the friends of the kids who come over and I'll speak to them or they will sit in the den and talk to me or me and my husband for a few minutes. They are anywhere from 14 - 23 years old so it's not like they are kids who I have to talk to like they are kids.

Well, I never really talked to my kids like they were kids. I treated them like adults, except I didn't let them do certain things. I never watched what I said around them and if I made a joke they didn't get I would explain it. Usually a pun or something cynical and so they picked up on it pretty fast. I suppose that's why they ended up being a lot more mature than their friends and always hanging out with usually older kids.

But that's a whole other thread. How to talk to kids.

PaganMom

I hear ya, entirely.

To have a friend, be friend. To have an enemy, be an enemy. Nothing matters. What is that matters in friendship ? Similar tastes, compatabilty. friends fight, disagree. all normal. A person you can really realte too. share secrets. They're always there to back you up, when in trouble. may few things to describe in words but, as actually experinacing and having true friendship.

i read tarot to support myself in honolulu. every night, for years (and soon again, but anyway...)

here's what i heard over and over and over:


"i only have one friend."


occasionally, it was no friends, or two friends, but anyway, over time this got me thinking. and i realized that many seem to imagine that others have all these friends, and are out doing all these exciting things.

and it's simply not so. some, at certain periods in their lives, might have that going on. but it's not typical, it's not historical, it's not anything really but a fantasy of some "ideal" or "normal" life others have that we lack.


and realize: these were people with enough money and time to be vacationing in waikiki (mostly, tho i did get locals too, who also said the same thing).


once in my life, for about 8 months, i had two people in my life i was very, very close to. it was one of my best times in life ever. but ... 8 months. and i was lucky to get even that. luckier than many, many will ever be.

life is life. people aren't objects one collects and puts in the "friends" box and pulls out when they want them.

if i sound insensitive, i don't mean to. this is a year of intense isolation for me, i've literally cried throughout the day many times this year from it.

what i'm trying to say isn't that people aren't worthwhile to have in one's life, if that develops. i'm agreeing with the start of the thread, and hoping people reading this will relax a bit if they're plagued by the sense that they're missing out on something everyone else has.

It is good to have a little socializing, but to me, social lives should not take up your life. You need to balance out success, social and alone time. Being an Aspie myself, I need my alone time, so I do not get an overload, which if I do, can affect my relationships with friends, and even family and I end up losing them. Plus, a lot of the people I knew when I was young spent to much time with their social lives instead of focusing on other things, like working or studying. Yes they can related better to people, but they can not find a job or anything successful. I grew up in the 80's and 90's and I had kids in my class that only cared about their social life that they did not study or do anything else but hang at the mall and date. They failed their classes,and pretty much had to repeat their grades. My sister does the same thing. She is going to college and knows she is not doing well. All she cares about is her social life, does not focus on school, and when it is time for an assignment to be due, she never has it because she was busy with her friends. If she would pass her classes, she would do better in life. I am glad she has friends, but she needs to think about her priorities, as well. So the moral is it is good to socialize, but not too much. I do not have much friends, but at least I have more time to study, get good grades, and be successful. Friends are good to have fun, but not too much. It can be distracting.

I don't think that's insensitive at all. I suspect that most NTs also have few really close friends these days.

I also think as we get older we can expect to have fewer people we're close to. I started out with an immediate family of two parents and four siblings. Now I have two surviving siblings -- that's it.

We also move around much more today than in the past. My dad's parents spent their entire lives living within three neighboring counties in Missouri. Their entire lives, birth to death. There was a time when most people stayed in the same town or neighborhood all their lives. How many people do that today? And if they do, how many of their friends stay in the same place as well?

But I think of closeness as a separate thing from socialization. I was fairly close to my family before I went to school and began the tortuous socialization process. I tended to have one somewhat close friend at school -- who was never as close as family. But it was my interactions with others that I think of as socialization. How one plays games, gets on with teachers, etc. as a child, how one interacts with coworkers, bosses, extended family, and neighbors as an adult. I think the more one can learn about getting along in those relationships, the more comfortable overall one will be in life -- and more successful in most cases. That is a skill. It can be learned. Most people instinctively read body language without thinking much about it, but we can learn it, and consciously use it as a tool in dealing with others. It's like learning a foreign language with enough fluency that one is more confident traveling in the country where it's spoken. It's work, and one never speaks that language like a native, or understands every idiomatic expression and nuance. But it can be learned, and it can't do any harm to learn as much as one can.

Imagine if your special interest was an object or landmark that was in a country where they spoke another language, and your life's goal was to go there and see it. I'll bet most of us would bother to learn the basics of that language in that case. Maybe the answer to socialization is similar -- finding the right motivation. For some of us, me included, that motivation was finding a mate. For others it might be success in their career, or becoming an activist for something that means a lot to them. Find a reason to want to socialize, even if for a brief period of time, and you'll find yourself learning a few words of the language. Maybe you'll never be fluent, or be able to stand being at a party all evening, but every little bit helps.

I've found that if I show up at a gathering and leave early -- being careful to say goodbye to the host before I leave, everyone there that I know remembers I was there. If I don't go, everyone I know remembers I wasn't there -- again! There are situations in life, such as jobs that are just jobs, where maybe it's not so important to show up at every party. But if it's a job you care about succeeding in, then at least showing up for half an hour makes a big difference, even if the only people you talk to are those you already know.

But that's never going to make someone the star of the workplace, the next mayor, or gain them lots of intimate friends. One has to have realistic expectations. It might help get the next promotion. No guarantees though.

There are also the problems of energy, pressure, and motivation. I made it to most office holiday parties when I was a technical writer/editor. But there wasn't that much pressure to do it, and I didn't have to deal with people a lot in my daily work. I found that, in a later management job, where I had lots of people contact and was stressed out to the max already, and also felt pressured to socialize on top of that, I couldn't motivate myself to go a step further and do the socializing routine. The work itself can make a difference in the motivation and the energy one has left over for socializing. I find that how well I socialize has a lot to do with my energy management, but also with how much control I feel I have over the situation -- the choice to socialize rather than the pressure to do so, which I tend to resent. It didn't help, in that management job, that I also had a 124-mile round trip commute. I was too tired to even consider how socializing might pay off.

I feel the same way.
Friendship has it's time and place.
I see it as a recreational activity, not a work activity.

I was actually horrified, when I went to College, how much time people were socialising.
That amount of socialising and getting drunk surely isn't healthy.
It was completely different to my life at home.
People were just less social at home, we kept more to ourselves.
Seeing friends and family was a special treat.
Hugging was something savoured for special moments and occasions, it wasn't something that was dished out all the time.

At College, people were chatting and hugging each other all the time and they certainly didn't seem any happier for it. All of that superficiality seemed bizarre and alien to me. It was horrible.

People kept asking me if I was "lonely".

I felt lonelier after they asked than before.

I feel lonelier in a crowd than I do when I am alone doing my own thing.


I wondered how people could get into groups so easily and just go out spontaneously on on holiday together at the "drop of a hat".

It was assumed that everyone was like this and would have no problems socialising.
Girls especially.

I know that socialising is grossly overrated, but still, it must be a heck of a lot easier just to talk with people and get a group project going if that's the kind of environment you have to work in. Even if you end up arguing with them afterwards. If socialising is second nature to someone, you can negociate and keep up with it all. If you can't keep up socially and you're expected to keep up, tough: no sensible, non-condescending help for you.

I'd personally rather work alone in an environment with a low population density and people who are friendly and supportive, but knew when to leave me alone to get on with it.

@spiritblooms, i agree with what you say there.

this year for me, no general *or* close people around (which is what's hard.) three times, i've up and moved to a new place where i knew no one.

from doing so, i realized there's some value and support to simply seeing familiar faces as you go about your day. i hadn't known it before the moves.

special closeness is indeed a different sort of thing. one i prize, but unlike the more general social environment--which you can gain skills in, as you say--the more intimate relating seems to me more a matter of fate or luck than anything else. a matter of being in the right place at the right time to meet someone with whom you have a strong affinity of some kind. and having the time and interest for it to develop.

anyway, i'm really liking the wp forums. i learn so much, and people are so honest here. the topics are usually not trivial, and i appreciate the thought folks put into what they say. it's refreshing and soothing at the same time.

I think that this stems from some people being socially curious.
This can lead to a lot of social support...
Or social abuse...
Depending on how the personal information is used.

I believe that this is where all the gossip and rumours come from.

They feel that they have to know how others are feeling and what they are doing in their lives all the time. Some people seem to feel horribly left out if they don't know what's going on in your social life.
They never seem to say, "I" in reference to themselves at all, but keep saying "YOU YOU YOU...".
They have to know all about YOU and how YOU'RE FEELING.
If they don't, they think that you're deliberately trying to hide something from them, even when you're just being discreet.
I find this very intrusive sometimes.

I feel invaded and defensive when asked about how I feel about things.
For me, things just are how they are, and how I feel is in the background.

I have never really been that socially or emotionally curious about others.
I never really knew that I had to be.
No one actually told me that I had to be until they saw me standing on my own.
I just let people get on with their own lives and didn't try to interfere.
I don't see the point of interfering or asking probing questions.
I only proactively intervene if someone has made a genuine mistake; is lonely and upset; is in trouble or is in need of practical help. Or if someone asks me for help.

I can care a lot about others and show an interest in people, just not to the intensive and high social frequency that others expect me to sometimes.

It seems that some people get very lonely if they spend even two seconds alone.
Loneliness for them equals aloness is unbearable for them.
This is why they actively seek out people and are very social.
These people live for others and to be around others.
To them, their perceptual worlds must be filled with people and social interactions, almost to the exclusion of the surrounding physical details.

This needn't be a "bad" thing.
These people can be brilliant at offering social support in a community.

Some people are also very bored and probably have nothing better to do than spread rumours ("good" or "bad") about others.

I have never really understood gossip or gossiped about anyone.
I don't see the point.

It's not that I don't care about others.
I care a lot, just not in a socially curious way.
There's a difference.

Agreed; my take is mostly "it's none of my business, unless you choose to tell me". Most of the time, then, I won't even get involved.

Part of my reasoning is: does this event somehow affect my life in any way/improve it any way?

If not, why should I care?