Considering a Self-Diagnosis...help?

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Hello, I have been doing some research on Asperger's and it's starting to make me a little...eh, enlightened? I just got out of a relationship and it brought up some issues that made me wonder if I have AS, but some things add up, others do not, and I was wondering if I could get some feedback from those of you who might know a little more about it than just a couple days of internet research.

First, things that make sense:
I am EXTREMLEY socially anxious. Coming from a small school where I have known everyone since grade school, I never really noticed this until this year, my Freshman year of University when it became apparent. I am generally quite witty and...normal... when I'm comfortable, but lately in my classes and in my living environment (especially around certain people to which I am attracted) I stumble over my speech. Like my mind is working right and I know what I want to say, but it doesn't quite come out that way. I have also become aware of not being able to control the tone of my voice, if that makes sense.
You see, this makes it very hard to meet new people. Which, quite frankly, is sh***y.

Another thing that makes me fairly certain I have form of, if not Aspergers, some kind of mild Autism, is my obsessive behavior. Just listen to this: I have had a number of different things I am 'obsessed' with that my parents and peers have just assumed were phases -- no matter how long they go on for. First, it was horses, then it was the TV show Friends, then The Office, now it's The Beatles (which is, I assume, a pretty popular fascination among AS?). I have a sickening obsession with the lads and know far too much about them lol. The thing is, it has blossomed into a broader obsession with the entire sixties rock and roll scene. I may now be equally obsessed with Bob Dylan and The Velvet Underground. I could talk about it for hours if anyone would listen (but they don't so I write about it instead). It's a never-satisfied hunger for more information about it. I have completely created a lifestyle around it - I have collected all kinds of things associated with it. Memorbillia, replica guitars, decor, vinyls, bootlegs, I have even altered my appearance...
Which brings me to another obsessive detail that I don't know if its associated with AS or not. I get a bit of a rush from rule-breaking. Nothing too big and I can generally control it, but evey now and again i'll experience a lapse of judgement. Also, I am prone to drug use. I took up smoking and I sort of detest myself for it. And again, I have a habit of abusing alcohol when it's in reach. I feel like I am able to communicate much better under its effects and through it is the only way I've actually created good friendships since I've been at college. And as a side note - alcoholism runs in my family so it may not be a symptom of AS (maybe it's just a college thing, too).

In relationships - intimacy in particular- it's difficult for me to really portray my emotions and I think thats off-putting to the other person. I always have to make a joke out of it or say something sarcastic. I've always thought this was just a fear of rejection, but what do you think?

I can pick up on really subtle details in music even though I've never had any kind of formal musical training. I can also listen to the same songs over and over and over again for days if I take a particular liking to them. Very rarely do I get bored with them. If anything, its comforting.

One more quick thing, before I forget: my preschool teacher self-diagnosed me with SID (sensory impairment disorder). A number of primitive treatments ensued. I was forced to sit in place for prolonged periods of time by having to wear those weighted get-ups that athletes use for training. Otherwise, my head would be all over the place -- I wouldn't listen to any instructions or do anything I was told - I was just in everythng for me. I think the purpose of the weights was really just to keep me in one place so my teacher wouldn't have a riot on her hands! haha. Anyways, I was eventually sent to several schools for 'special' children. All of which I was eventually kicked out of for either causing trouble or because the teachers didn't find me to be afflicted with anything other than an over-active imagination. I was eventually put back in public school and bumped up a grade level.

and now for...
things that don't quite add up
I might have social anxiety, but I LOVE love love crowds -- I like to just lose myself in them. I don't like to talk to anybody, still, but I like to look at all the different types of people and all their strange quirks. This is one of the reasons I am planning a way to move to the city (aside from just having more stuff to do and see - I don't really sleep much). I love people, I just can't communicate with them on their level.

Something else I've noticed in my research is that people with AS are specifically gifted in mathmatics and have trouble understanding some kinds of humor. This is completely the opposite with me, I must say. One of my childhood issues was that I couldn't comprehend basic math -- I still can't really. Its haunted me my entire life. In high school they tried to sign me up for special education mathmatics and I put up quite a fight to stay out of it. It might've hindered me in the end, but who knows. I am also a big fan of humor and comedy (who isn't?) but in particular more intellectual kinds. I am extremely sarcastic and my friends consider me 'the funny one' of our group.

In being terrible at mathmatics, I have, however been able to pick up writing very, very easy. I am extremely imaginative, as well. I have a particular interest in surreal and impossible concepts. I find it easier to picture this kind of thing than it is to picture more concrete ideas. From what I've read this is the exact opposite of most Aspies.

I am also quite able to do all kinds of things at once. I am still very easily distracted if something doesn't interest me, I'll completely shut it out and pick up something else. I think this is the SID thing, again, but I can't be certain.

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There's a lot more both categories, but I have to get ready to go to class soon. Now that you know my life story, I hope theres enough there for some kind of basic evaluation. I might come back later and post more, but we'll see where this gets me.
I would really like some kind of feedback as to whether or not I should get really diagnosed for some kind of mental thing or if I should just accept a self-diagnosis for now.
I feel like if I had known there was a type of syndrome for my anxieties, my relationship might've worked out...any information would be well recieved, thanks.

Cheers,
Hanna

haha, if you didn't have enough information:

also, I have trouble looking people in the eyes. Not just for prolonged periods of time, but at all. This also causes people to not trust me at all...

anyone else have this?

My suggestion would be: get tested. Don't just assume you have Asperger's. I guess it sounds like you've got it, but it'll be better if you're sure, and not just guessing.

About the mathematics thing - lots of people think that all aspies are automatically good at maths, but this might not necessarily be the case. Tony Attwood mentions that some aspies have a lot of problems with numbers - it's called "dyscalcula" or something like that.

My brother and I are both aspies.... on the one hand I loved maths, but on the other, he hated it, and still does

Thanks Robinhood!

I've been reading a LOT on AS and the more I read, the more it sounds like I'm reading my own life story.

The funny thing is that I've never heard of AS until a friend of mine mentioned it in passing when discussing her son's diagnosis of full-blown Autism.

I happen to have an appointment next week, so I'll probe the doctor for his experience with Autism and Autism-related diseases.

thanks again!

I'll take a look at those tests when I get a chance.

I'm going to agree that I think you need to see someone.

Your list doesn't really point to AS for me, but this is the internet, so it's always hard to tell. I'll try to break it down one at a time; remember, I'm not a doctor, and this is the internet, so this doesn't mean I'm right (it's why I suggest going to a doctor as well, because no one here is really going to be able to say with any conviction); I'm just being honest about what I think.

With the social anxiety - that really sounds like social anxiety only to me, not a sign of AS. People on the spectrum aren't always anxious; it's not always comorbid. That you say you're witty and normal around those you're comfortable with makes me think it's not so much of a spectrum issue. You might be more comfortable and feel less anxious, but you still probably wouldn't seem normal to others. And stumbling over words when you're around people you're attracted to isn't exactly uncommon. Don't get me wrong - if you do have social anxiety, especially if it's severe, it's still something to get treatment for. I'm not trying to belittle you or anything (I know some people would take it that way).

The obsession thing sounds more on target with AS. If you've gone as far as to alter your appearance, that's pretty intense.

I really don't think there's anything linking the autism spectrum and rule breaking together. You pointed out the likely cause for your alcohol use in your list - it runs in your family, and that does tend to be the college atmosphere.

Not being able to show emotions is pointing a bit to AS again. Have you always been this way (with everyone), or is this fairly recent? The fact that you think it's been from a fear of rejection though makes me wonder if that's exactly what it is - a fear of rejection combined with a social anxiety disorder could do that. Some people cover fears with laughter; it's a coping method. If you've been doing it for a long time, it could be like your wall.

For the music, eh, that's kind of a toss up. I'm pretty sure listening to certain songs for days on end isn't particularly uncommon and being able to pick up on details of music is more of a hearing thing than anything else, I think.

I'm not entirely sure about your SID paragraph. Did she diagnosis you with it solely because you were into everything and didn't listen to her? Sounds like you were just a hyperactive kid and she stuck a label on you to justify the weights.

People watching doesn't really indicate one way or another to me either. I've known both NTs and people on the spectrum who people watch.

As for the math and writing - I suspect the positives are generally over hyped because people want reassurance that being on the spectrum doesn't just mean negatives; you get a special skill too! But it doesn't always work like that. You'll find a lot of people around here who are bad at math and some who are good at writing. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. I'm not good in math at all, but I'm published; on the other hand, my father is wonderful with math and can't write worth a flip. It's just a human thing.

Humour - eh, not convinced that it's really an issue on the spectrum. Again, I think it's overhyped; there are certainly some people on the spectrum who can't understand (or don't care for) most humour, but I don't think it's the majority.

Being easily distracted sounds more like ADD to me; add that with the activity you noted as a child, and maybe ADHD would be a better fit. Not that that rules out the spectrum - lots of people have both. It's just that in and of itself, it's not indicative of being on the spectrum.

You listed eye contact issues in your next post - that is a sign of the spectrum, but how long has this been an issue? If making eye contact became troublesome around the same time as your social anxiety started to flare up, it might just be a SA thing.

Like I said, I'm not trying to discourage you, but there's only one thing in your entire list that really points out an ASD to me, and that might not be enough to warrant a dx. I don't think the tests posted are a be all, end all sort of thing; they're not bad, but I find it entirely too easy to... twist the facts to suit the theory. If you've been reading up on the spectrum enough to know the "right" answers (ie, to get a higher score) and subconsciously want to fit it, you could exaggerate or otherwise make yourself fit. (Don't get me wrong - I believe that you'd take it with complete honesty. It's just that it's easy to manipulate, even subconsciously.) Also, some of the questions are vague enough that you can get a high score being completely honest and objective, and still not have an ASD. Beyond that, they don't take everything into account - if you notice on the AQ test, 20% of diagnosed people get below 32, so even getting a low score doesn't mean much. Also, test 3 was made by a member here, not a doctor, and if I recall correctly, a good deal of it was based on people on the forum, not the diagnostic criteria.

Regardless of whether or not you actually have an ASD, I suggest going to a doctor. You can go to one who specializes in the autism spectrum if you're really convinced, but a general one would work too if you have social anxiety disorder, which it seems like you do (and like I said, that can be comorbid; they're not mutually exclusive). I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder in addition to AS, and I found that proper medication, as well as some therapy, helped a good deal. Beyond that, if you do have ADD or ADHD (again, not mutually exclusive), they could help with that as well. If you don't want an offical diagnosis, you can just ask for an evaulation.

Okay, I'll join in on this thread for you to evaluate me. I am going to see a doctor when my teacher gets around to do it, but I would be happy to see what you guys think.

Issues:

Extreme forgetfulness. I forget jackets, keys, whatever all over. I can forget that I am holding an object if my mind wanders, and then go search for it.

Clumsiness. Always been clumsy. Bumping into things and dropping things. I was really bad in my dancing classes. I couldn't replicate all those movements. Let alone remember them.

Initially bad social skills. I was pretty geeky before, and I still have certain issues. I can talk about relationship emotions. My logical mind shuts down I'm just quiet. Eventually I speak complete bull****. I would say and do the wrong things, and I still do it a lot. I just don't do it as often and care so much about it. That way I've handled this pretty well.

School problems due to not doing my homework. 'Nuff said. I didn't do it. It could possibly be because of executive dysfunction. I just forget it. And when I start, my mind just wanders!

School problems due to not being able to get up in the morning.
Last year my dad woke me up every day. Which lead to exessive daytime fatigue. In the nights I would lie awake, thinking or read about my interests. I was nicknamed for my sleepiness at elementary school.

Depression attacks(?) for a day or so at a time - I got this a couple of times. Not anymore, LUCKILY! It feels as if all the
happiness in the world ceases to enter my mind, I am just a shell of terror! Monthy Python's Meaning of Life made me depressed. Drugs were the only way out. Thought about going around with a couple of emergency valium just in case.. At the age of like 16-17. No good!

Depressive periods. I have had a couple of existential depressions. Feels HORRIBLE. Not as bad as the depression attacks, but lasted longer.

Paranoia for diseases. I was completely and utterly sure that I had mad cow disease when I was about 12. I thought that I wouldn't be 13. I remember lying in my bed cold-sweating and being terrified of this. A couple of years earlier, a teacher told us that we'd get aids if we had sex. Retrospectively I think that he must've been kidding(young, joking type of guy). I got terrified. After all I had masturbated, which causes the same mechanisms in the body as sex.. Which leads me to my next point:

I am extremely secretive about certain things. I think it is because I don't want other people to worry, or think badly of me. I have never told anybody of this paranoia. Luckily, it's gone now. There are other topics I won't tell anybody about either (my interest in dating/relationship-stuff for example)

I absolutely HATE noisy places. My former job was hell. I dislike shopping malls. At first I get nervous and stressed, then I get burned out.


The positive things in my life I possibly attribute to AS

I get extremely absorbed in things. I had an interest in stones when I was a kid. Knew the names of the different kinds and could sit around looking at them and searching for pretty ones for hours. (Luckily ) I'm no longer interested in stones, but my intense and strange interests continue. Things as drugs, nutrition, singing technique, science and so forth has been longer term intense(/consuming) interests. I also have short term intense interests such as web programming, C++, japanese, spanish, computer games. I play for maaaany hours and can wait to play more, so I play, play, play,/read, read, read.... And onto another strange thing: I just quit. (The short term interests)

People consider me to be smart.

I have strong emotional responses to smells and sounds. I have a certain degree of synesthesia. I see colors and shapes when I hear music and smell things.



So what is your conviction. These are the issues I have/have had. I'm not thinking in terms of AS now, to get me out of that self-diagnostic head-space.

The main reason why I'd like a diagnosis is to get teachers to understand me. But ****! Can't they understand my issues (sensory and executive) without me having to get a diagnosis. It would alse ease my mind to know what caused this.. even though the diagnosis is just symptomatic and I really wouldn't learn more about me from it.

Thanks for reading. x)


PS: I am also chronically late. Another important thing to note is that my secrecy kept me from telling this to the shrinks I've seen. I can have mental conversations where I tell them all these things, but I can not seem to make myself actually do it. I also forget to bring it up. I really hate those one-on-one conversations with authority people too(shrinks, teachers, doctors). I can't find anywhere to focus and I get lost in my own thoughts and can't really focus on what they're saying.

PSPS: I used to separate my time into interest-intense asocial periods and social periods, when I would be with friends. I don't have the option to do this now, as I live at my school.

So.. What do you think?