Calling all NT's...do you really *notice* physical quirks?

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Hi everyone

Sorry if this is a rambling one, but the long and the short of it is: Do neurotypical people REALLY pick up on my odd physical habits, and if so do they really make the decision, conscious or otherwise, to shun me or in some way change their behaviour towards me because of it?

I've struggled to fit in everywhere I've been in life, despite my genuinely trying to strike up conversations about things other than my interests, whether it's school, university or my work place. In recent months I've been getting really down about not gelling with my colleagues, espeically since people who have joined the firm months after me are "in there" with the rest my office within days. In an attempt to improve my behaviour and hopefully make some friends I have asked a close friend of mine to go all-out, be cruel if needed, and point out what I'm doing wrong at every turn.

I used to think people would develop aversions to me because I was conversationally offensive, but my friend informs me that it's actually my *physical* traits that might be putting people off. Apparently, I do the following, and often I don't realise I'm doing it:

- Shovel a forkful of food in my mouth before finishing chewing the previous mouthful
- "Suck" from a bottle of juice rather than pour it in my mouth (I tried the latter technique and got juice all over my blouse) with the results that I'm holding the bottle up to my mouth for several seconds at a time
- Walk like a penguin, clubbing my whole foot flatly onto the ground at once rather than putting the heel down first
- Snort and screw up my face when my nose is blocked
- Pick skin from my lips
- Insert my finger into my ear and wiggle it up and down rapidly
- Strain my face like I'm constipated when singing (in my choir or doing solos as Mass)
- Slouch forward when seated, giving the impression that I'm tense

My friend says that people do notice these things, often subconsciously, and it can really irritate people but they won't always know why they're so annoyed - "There's just something about her that's unnerving but just I can't put my finger on it". At first I rebelled against my friend, despite it being my idea to get her to point things out, and I made the whole panolpy of excuses, my favourite line of defence being, "Well obviously they're just shallow and judgemental if they decide not to speak to me just because I eat funny".

She tells me that in conventional life, "everyone is allowed one quirk before things become noticable". This was in answer to my protests that I'd noticed other people had odd physical habits, such as eating with their mouth full or sucking their lips when thinking, but she was correct in conjecturing that there was only one really prominent habit per person and that otherwise they behaved within the confines of social normality.

The thing is, she is very mature for her age and what's more blisteringly observant, and always has been; and I for one am not convinced that everyone else is actually noticing these things. She'll say things like, "Honey, you scratched you ear with the fork still in your hand at dinner just there; that will have been noticed by the other people at the table." and I'll never quite believe her. Even if it does get noticed, are the other people really going to dislike me or snub me because of it?

Would the neurotypical comunity please oblige me on this one?

Yes.

Is the short answer.

But, everyone has quirks. Regardless of age, mental state or diagnosises. My mother is healthy as a bat and she does little things that is repeated all the time, uses words in given places etc. As an example. Its noticed, probably best of those that know you. But annoy? Naah. I dont let myself be annoyed by others ticks and when it comes to friends it ends up being a "part of the package" that this friend is. And if it is annoying, I tell. Its usually only the audible things that gets annoying in the long run. (rapid tapping of a fork and knife in the plate while talking for instance).

But, I dont think "annoying little habits" is so unique for AS vs any others. Sure, its more frequent and more noticable with some - but its sort of asking if people that lisps annoy me. No, it doesnt annoy me. Yes, I notice.

So no, it wouldnt change my opinion of you, nor make me shun you. It would maybe be a bit distracting for me in the start. Wondering "What is he/she doing now?" to myself as some little things appear. But nothing worse than that.

My opinons, of course.

lets see what is though of my own odd dealing.

1)Always look away to the side when talking to people. (until I get to know them anyways)
2)when sitting I will shake my leg a bit. not necessarily visible, but i have gotten complaints about vibrations. I cant help it, my body needs to move constantly.
3)Constant flatulence (cant help this either, its from IBS)
4)Im always shaking my head in response to people. May just be a shortened version of a facepalm since i do touch the side of my face.
5)Constantly shifting around when seated. I just cant get comfortable unless I am standing.

Yes, the things you listed are all extremely noticeable and fall outside the boundaries of simply quirky behavior.

Hello,

I think it's brilliant that you are willing to face this head-on and that you have a friend who is close enough, and observant enough, to help. Having not met you personally, my instinct is that those habits do turn people off. The thing about us NTs is that we don't always know what to make of people who are "too" quirky. And many of us will not take the extra time to get to know someone who is, or is perceived by most, as strange in any way.

It's kind of sad: you could be the most lovable person in the world, and it sounds like you might be, but NT's generally want to "fit in" and that means

1. Controlling our own bodies and handling ourselves in certain ways, according to unwritten but generally accepted rules.
2. Shy away from people who don't do #1 (even if they don't know it)
3. Shy away from people that "others" believe doesn't do #1

Your co-workers probably don't know exactly what it is that makes them uncomfortable around you and will not spend the time to analyze it. They just know they get a certain feeling -- probably because you are not conforming to their otherwise understood rules of social behavior -- and want out.

Don't know if this makes any sense, but you might think of it like your "packaging." It is well-known that the packaging makes all the difference in whether people want to buy something or not. Take 2 identical samples of any product, package one in a plain brown wrapper and the other in something glitzy, and which do you think people will buy? Logical? Of course not.

This might not be helpful, but some of these things you can avoid, like drinking out of a bottle in public. Use either a cup or straw, or abstain if you have to. BTW, my mom does that too and I never could figure out why.

Good luck sweetie. Sounds like you have at least one friend who is true.

I generally pick up if someone is "odd" but I can't put my finger on it most of the time. I even notice I am "odd" when I see myself on video.

Sure, we pick up on physical quirks, but we don't necessarily let them put us off. This really varies from NT to NT. Some are easily bothered by other peoples' quirks or bad habits, others are much less bothered, or not bothered at all (a common dislike is "bad" table manners, eating sloppily and fast). Personally, I must admit that I react more to conversational behaviour, if you know what I mean. You may scratch your ears and suck your bottle as much as you want to as long as you're interesting to talk to.