How did discipline influence your personality?

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I was posting on the Parent's Discussion (http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2566698.html#2566698) about raising an AS child with strict rules and mandatory compliance. Not shouting or spanking. Just a strict, coherent obey or consequence, and no need to do explaining because I'm the adult and he's a child. No arguing, yielding or even justifying the demand.

Can a democratic relationship be good for most kids but not for one who relentlessly looks for a logical reason to understand why or plainly just to contend? And will this strict environment help him to be more aware and assertive?

If an AS builds self-discipline under an autocrat (not ruthless) in younger years will that help in the future, when comes to terms with the notion that the rules are as they are, like them or not, understand or don't?

For any child, discipline is critical for them to become the best person they can become.

The key is to find what works as effective means of discipline so that it promotes positive development.

Aye . . . but you also cannot shove things down their throats as it were. My father was an advocate of that and I resented all he did every step of the way . . . killed my interest in a lot of things (or likely did). For example . . . my parents went through the whole, "Educational games only," bit but no matter what we told them, they would not listen to our saying, "This is too simple and we're B+ students anyway." Matter came up recently, "Well why didnt you tell us?" "We did . . . you didnt want to hear it." Discipline, yes, strict adherence to what you alone want, no. Use discimpline for rules alone, not interests. With interest, you have to be supportive and help develop a "Outside world" application for it (this is what my parents screwed up on for me ).

Whenever I was told to obey "because I'm the parent and you're the child", I would basically feel as though they were trying to erase my existence. I have no idea why I put it that way, but those are the closest words I can find--profound fear, anger, and a feeling as though I was cornered, as though I didn't matter, as though my parents wanted to re-write my identity.

However, when the rules were explained, written down, consistent, and logical, I usually obeyed them so well that I got a reputation as an apple-polisher. I needed explanations. I needed to be the one to decide to obey.

Obeying because someone else is in authority is utterly foreign to me. I don't rebel automatically. What I do automatically is asking explanations (unless the situation is an emergency and I trust the person giving orders, in which case I will obey first and ask for explanations later).

It is a bad thing to teach a child to obey someone just because they are in authority. That is how great atrocities happen--because normal people just follow orders, without questioning.

*echo Callista*

definately. If a rule existed and i did not know the reason for it. I didn't follow it. Or, more accurately, couldn't see the reason to follow it so would soon forget it.

There were some discipline things that were embedded. IN all, i would just add a +1 for the previous post.


But to add one little bit (reinforce more like) but thing that affect me (executive disfunction) if you drill that into your child. Good things could happen. Like a NT child, discipling things like brushing teeth, being polite to their elders, keep toenails trim, manage money (pocket allowance etc), strict discipline can be a bonus. But the flipside is if you are too strict their is no way for them to learn some thing on their own. I went broke before i learned to save 10% of everything i earn etc...

I do not intend that you make up the child's mind choosing his preferences and friends and so on. Just on social behavior and general awareness. You can get an AS to understand the logic of a situation but it will allways be debatable for him. For it to be intrinsic to him comes through routine more than reason. Would you agree?

well, i can not speak for other Aspies, but for me to "allow" something into my routine i had to know it on a rational level first. If my parents just tried to "add" something to my routine i would chuck a hissy fit and refuse to comply.

So, i suppose considering that... a bit of both maybe?

I would suggest talk to your child and explain the situation. Once you get the tacit agreement, enforce the routine until it becomes regular. This is also for an NT child, (i.e. wash hands before eating, say please and thankyou etc...)

My parents were control freaks after 1974, I was not explained why somethings were wrong and what o called punishments were dished out were by modern standards abuse both physically and mentally/emotionally. My parents were not the loving/nurturing type but the controlling critical type who's main goal was erosion of my self confidence as a person. Punishments involved being beaten round the back of the head untill I could see images and lost some fine co ordination this come from my father who fortunately is now dead sometimes I would be beaten with a belt or the hand so hard and the goal of this was to cause major psychiatric injury rather than discipline. I do remember in November 1979 that I have been beaten with an encyclopaedia by my father until my arse was black and blue even though I was under some bed clothes. This was because I forgotten that I had some Geography homework to do and I thought at the time that it was done. Since after that I was in extreme distress my mum shouted at me Don't look at me for symapthy! The next time you lie about your work you can go and find somewhere else to live. (My mum seemd to forget this How convenient) I was only 13 at the time when she threatened to throw me out of the home. This has now made me less tolerant of people and I have no tme for people who I would see as spoilt brats who never had a good hiding in their lives and would lie about other people to try to make them look bad. I ended up looking as though I fought in a war even though I never been in the military. My mum thought that this treatment was good discipline and she still does. At a school in 1975-76 I ended up bullying and some of that was aspiphobic as I was at the time just a self-hating aspie. Only if childline would have been founded in the 1960's no but instead I have been emotionally scarred for life by this tirade of abuse that my mum calls discipline.

A missing element - how old is said child? One doesn't ask a five year old where they want to eat; it's either decided, or at best a choice between two predetermined options. Scaling application to function is important.


M.

The age of the kid matters alot. If he is anywhere past twelve this is simply not going to work.

As I stated previously, the psychologist is giving very bad advice. If anything, things with kids with AS need to be overexplained, and in a way they can personally understand. Part of the problem is you and especially your psychologist, don't necessarily understand how folks with ASD tick. The logic has to be aspie logic, not NT logic. Explanations have to be very clear, crystal clear, verbal, with nothing between the lines.

And as I said this before, this requires listening and respect, two things you are pretty much throwing away. Alot of your problems are probably coming from the fact you are probably doing neither, and probably moving away from that if you are listening to the know-nothing psychologist.

The just because I am the adult and you are the child is something that WILL blow up in your face. Does there need to be rules in place, absolutely, but you have to have clear reasoning that makes sense in the AS kids mind, otherwise it will not work.

Yes, he is 5yo.

Well, when I was young my parents didn't know I had Asperger's-heck I only found out I did a few days ago-so I was seen as a normal kid but one that was "different". My siblings and I were raised where if we did something bad, we would have to stand in a corner or we'd lose TV privileges or the like. If we did something REALLY bad (like talk back to our parents or something) then we'd get a spanking. I know that not all parents agree with spanking but I do. I hated it then but looking back I know that I would've ended up being...well, not as calm as I am now without it.
However, from December 2008 to August 2009 I lived with my dad and stepmother. They took everything I enjoyed away from me-they thought I was obsessed with japanime and a bunch of things-and because of that I'm very withdrawn and am afraid of just about everything. Though when they found out I had Asperger's and couldn't help a lot of the things they thought I had "problems" with they felt really bad. So yeah, discipline can go both ways. Especially compared to when you're a kid and when you're an adult.

Any kind or degree of sensory deprivation as punishment is the worst thing ever. That's all I have to say. Oh, and I hate people who treat children like they're stupid.