First time in history!! !! The NT/AS open hotline ! !! !! !

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I'm not going to be mcuh help, I don't think, but I'm going to answer because, well, it might give some sense of how these things go. My husband never told me he was AS because he had no idea he was. He kind of backed into it after our son was diagnosed.

My impression is that, In the short term, how much your boyfriend needs to know depends on how the AS is affecting your relationship. If his knowing will bridge some gaps, tell him the next time you are having a relatively serious discussion about, um, anything half related? If it's just a fact you don't want to hide, then you can wait until the time just seems right - disclosure will be in the nature of "full disclosure" of all things that may affect your life together. If you feel like you're hiding something by not bringing it up, then do so just so you can move past the ackwardness of feeling that.

I told my boyfriend--in fact, I make sure to tell everyone I'm friends with--because if I do something "weird" it will be easier for them to understand why I do it. People who knew me before I started telling people were kind of like, "Oooh...so is that why...?" If they reject you for it, hell, is that someone you'd really want to date or be friends with? Anyway, it helped a lot that he knows and is interested in the Asperger's. We go out and he makes sure that we sit away from the noise if we're at a bar or restaurant, and if it's too loud or I'm overwhelmed, we step out. No questions asked. When I'm not feeling particularly verbal he'll play video games a while and trusts that I'll feel like talking later, and when I do I'll talk a lot.

Hope that helps.

Hi Guineapig girl

In my experience, likeminds attract - if you've been together for a year he probably knows - and of course likes - most aspects of your personality so if he's a decent sort of guy (and not immature) I'm sure he won't be phased or bothered by it. If it was me, I would feel honoured that someone cared and trusted me enough to tell me.

The only other thought I have is that if you do tell him - and that's your call - choose a moment when you're feeling really positive so you can show him that being YOU is something to be proud of.

HTH. x

I first got suspicious when my (now) husband and I first started dating. We were doing all this romantic stuff but he never made any kind of moves on me. Also, we had a lot of miscommunication. I was also afraid for awhile that he was closeted (gay) because he didn't show any of the homophobia I was used to hearing (and HATING) from typical straight guys and he didn't seem that sexually interested in me.

It wasn't until I got to know his son (who was living with his ex-wife) that I started looking into what might account for what I felt were some pretty strange behaviors. When I learned about AS, it made total sense to me. The book "Aspergers in Love" was INCREDIBLY helpful.

I was so relieved to find out that AS is just another way of thinking that has it's own set of advantages and disadvantages just like NT thinking. I was the one to approach him about it. He is still resistant to the idea, though I think he is coming around now that the school is wanting to screen his son for AS and because both of them fit the diagnosis so perfectly.

If I were you, I would tell the person as soon as you feel comfortable. It might be a revelation to your partner. It certainly was to me. I know what kinds of things I do might trigger my husband (and step-son) so I can make minor adjustments that go a long way in maintaining a more stable home life. Before I knew about AS, I had no idea what was causing the issues in our relationship. Also, I thought he was controlling and rude at times, but it was only because he needed things to be a certain way, and not because he was an abusive as*hole. Knowledge is power.

I think the reason that many NTs think of us as not having humor, is the combination of the two things: 1. They often don't understand our humor, and we're not always good at the timing thingy, and 2. We don't always use a lot of body language to emphasize what we're saying, like f.ex. I don't necessarily laugh just because I think something is funny (but when I do laugh, I often find NTs looking strangely at me as if to say: "Why do you laugh THAT much? It wasn't THAT funny!" Or "What's so funny? THAT wasn't funny!").

... Sorry I have AS< but I thought I'd answer your ? anyway. ^^

Question for NTs . . .

Ive been in the job search for a few years now and the thing i keep hearing is social "networking" concept. A lot of us have an idea what it is, but no idea how to use/apply it (seeing as how we dont socialize much/at all). How would you explain/apply this "Who do you know" game because it confuses and frustrates a lot of people here. And in explaining it, what can you recommend for us to get used to it?

Again not sure if this question has been asked before... but it one for someone with AS

I have a wonderful wonderful AS boyfriend who I have been with for four years. I know he doesnt like to say he loves me our loud and it almost seems like he shrinks back and feels awkward when I say it to him, like others I think he just can't get the words out, therefore I have stopped saying it myself. Should I keep telling him I love him or am I doing the right thing by not saying it anymore, or does the answer differ from person to person? I do show him in other ways I love him, but it is something really part of me to want to say say it out loud to him. I am really not sure why I struggle with this one

Thank you & love you

I'm not sure if this will be at all helpful, but:

I have AS and I've dealt with the same thing in a relationship with a guy who probably had AS (although I wouldn't label him, and he was vehemently opposed to labels, and psychiatry in general). At first, I was put off and confused by the fact that he was comfortable saying "Love ya!" to friends, but only said it to me occasionally, and in a nervous sort of way. As I got to know him better, I realized that this was because of the strength of his feelings for me - he was too overwhelmed by the emotion to express it. And I grew to appreciate that as something really sweet and endearing. He had trouble saying because he meant it so strongly. And when he did say it, it was always at a time when it was so important, he had devoted himself to working up the courage.

To be fair, I was the same with him. I felt like I could only tell him I loved him if he said it first. I was also so overwhelmed by the emotion that I was really nervous about expressing it.

And we did become more comfortable saying, "I love you," after a long time, with practice.

Millie stated after he received a response "I don't understand why you would not say what you mean." sorry if I quoted you incorrectly Millie, but it was along those lines. I understand (mostly) what certain facial expressions and change of voice mean, but in certain instances it appears I am reading it right, then receive another signal that tells me otherwise, which one would be the correct signal? It is hard to explain, let me give you an account of what happened to me before to help explain better. First off I smoke cigarettes. At this point in my life all I knew was my mode of thinking was very different. I am with a girl at her house she has told me before that she thinks cigarettes smell gross, but while I am sitting next to her on her couch after talking of a few variety of things (one including yet again how gross cigarettes smell) she moved her face into an expression of anticipation (I believe). I am thinking she would like me to kiss her, but from previous comments it would seem like she would not like the smell of taste of cigarettes from my lips or mouth. During my supreme confusion on the matter she has the look of hurt, then boredom, then anger. Then asks me to leave. I guess my question is what signals should I listen/pay-attention to and which ones should I ignore?

I don't understand why NT's don't make their honest intentions apparent, why certain signals seem to contradict other signals.
If there is an NT woman who could respond I would appreciate it.

Trebor- I don't want to make light of the situation, but please be reassured that NT's struggle with those same things when it comes to romantic relationships. Not to play into stereotypes here, but women are infamous for expecting men to read their minds. Unfortunately, the more a woman cares about a guy and wants him to care about her, the more she wants him to be able to read her mind. I think the logic is: "If he really cared about me, he would know me well enough to know what I want," even though that line if thinking is completely illogical.

Does she know about your struggle to read body language? I have no idea of your age, but at some point adults worth having a relationship with will be mature enough to deal with talking about those kinds of things out loud, in a clear way.

Hope this helps at least a little,
An NT woman

Thank you jonahsmom, to be honest that was not the answer I was hoping to get, but was still expecting it (haha), I am 24 (at the time 22), I am assuming from your comment that with age and more searching I will find a girl who may be more open with her feelings, more "straight-forward". By saying "that was the answer I was hoping not to get" does not mean I don't appreciate you answering, I guess I was naively hoping for a simpler answer, thank you again for the information you provided.

Trebor: Yeah, I wish I could tell you differently. It IS a stereotype, but one I have found to be true: women are just confusing and complicated in certain ways. It makes me very, very happy to be a heterosexual woman. That way I don't have to try to figure one out all of the time. No matter how much society tries to make men and women out to be the same, we're actually very, very different. Our brains are wired completely differently, for heaven's sake! And then when you throw AS in there it probably makes everything at least twice as complicated.

But let me just encourage you with something: 24 is a hard age to be. It feels like- "Hey, I am almost in the middle of my 20s! I should have this all figured out by now. I am an adult!" It feels that way NO MATTER where on the spectrum you may fall. I am 34 and have a younger brother who is your age. And even though it's been 10 years it feels like yesterday when I hear about his life. Either that, or there are 20 somethings who THINK they have everything figured out, only to look back a few years later and see that they still had some maturing to do. (Did you know that your brain isn't even fully mature until around age 25?)

Yes, there are girls out there who can be straight forward with their thoughts and not expect men to read their minds. Don't give up!

Hey, I probably should have replied sooner but I just want to thank everyone who replied to my question. I'm definately going to work on telling my bf about my Aspergers. He hasn't asked me if I have AS but he may have suspected me of having "autistic tendencies" or being uncaring, since he's certainly more affectionate than I am. I'm sure that my revelation will help him understand me a lot more. Thanks guys!

I too am interested in an answer to this question, if there's one to be had.

Hey everyone! I've really enjoyed this topic, it's given me some insight into both the behavior of NTs and how they interpret my behavior.

I've been thinking about empathy a lot. Recently, it has occurred to me that when NTs are talking about something (especially true of small talk), the conversation is usually less about the topic and more about the talkers! What I mean is that the participants seem to use conversation as a medium for the exchange of self-information, especially emotional information, and that the emotional information is actually more important than the topic (maybe it is the real topic?). When I was younger and did not understand this, I didn't understand why people talked about trivial matters so often. Now that I do understand this subtle non-literal communication, I feel like I can play a little social chess with the NTs, though a little awkwardly at times because I'm still working on using the information a person discloses to me in conversation to my advantage in interpersonal relationships.

I'd like to know a few things from the helpful NTs here. Firstly, do you think my model of NT conversation is accurate? Secondly, if you feel my model is accurate, is it intuitive to you that many conversations aren't really about their topics, but rather the people discussing them; that is, does this understanding come naturally to you, or is it based off observation/experience? And thirdly, are your actions in such conversations natural to you, or do you actively plan out responses that will produce a desired effect?

1)Yes, your small talk model is correct. The purpose of small talk is not to exchange factual information but rather to exchange emotional information. It is conversational WD40 oil.

2)To me it is intuitive that many conversations aren't really about their topics but about the people discussing them. I do not remember when this became intuitive. It may have come about through observation/experience that happened when I was a toddler learning to talk or it may have been instinctual. I have no memory that far back. Even though I don't remember being a toddler and learning how to converse, as a parent I had plenty of opportunity to watch preschoolers talk to each other and watch my own autistic daughter talk very differently from them and not have smooth conversations. This got her pragmatic speech therapy years before she got an autism diagnosis. The other preschoolers commented on each other's toys. My daughter never did this without prompting. Perhaps she couldn't see the point. I'm sure none of them remember this now years later but the ones who commented on each other's toys likely by now have an intuitive understanding to comment on each other's recent movie viewings, favorite TV shows and so on as a way to connect with each other. I expended lots of fruitless energy trying to get my daughter to watch at least a couple episodes of Hannah Montana so she could join in and connect with the girls. This was before I came to WP and realized that I was wasting my energy and her time. She likes what she likes and has no desire to be conversant with pop culture just as small talk fodder. Just like people here.

3)If I already know a person, the small talk flows naturally. If we are meeting for the first or second time, I plan out things to say and responses that I think will have the desired effect. The things that I say to a new co-worker to put her at ease in the job are different from the things I say once we have been working together for a few weeks.