Coping with people who don't understand

Post Reply New Topic

I was wondering if anyone had any tips on coping with people who don't understand why you react to situations the way you do. In my current job I am sitting with a few women who are very NT and one of them in particular just doesn't understand why I don't react to certain situations the way she does.
I have a birthday coming up this week and this woman asked me very excitedly when I was planning on celebrating and whether it was going to be on the actual day or on the weekend. When I replied that I had no plans to really celebrate it at all, she looked at me like I was failure to the human race. She does the same thing if I am not overtly excited about upcoming events in my life like going overseas (it is 5 months away and way too soon to get excited) or competing in martial arts tournaments. She just doesn't seem to understand that I react to events in my life in my own way and not the typical way.
Unfortunately, I can't say that I have Asperger's as I haven't been diagnosed and well, it really isn't something I would want work knowing about anyway. I am not good at having sensitive chats with people about things that bother me. I usually just shut them out of my life, but I can't do that to my co-worker who sits right behind me. I have to deal with her every day.

Any advice would be fantastic.

It's hysterical, isn't it. As if crowding in a bunch of people with loud colors and lots of noise is de rigeur for every significant event in life, to murder everything with sensory over-stimulation.

My own personal belief is that these folks are beyond hope.

When I had coworkers it used to gripe me beyond belief when I was asked to contribute to every birthday, birth, ingrown toenail surgery, whatever. I didn't like them and they didn't like me, plus I was always single and needed every dime I made to pay bills. Sometimes I just refused. And buying birthday presents for people in my department...the same folks whose knives I was pulling out of my back on a regular basis. I don't miss it, even though my job right now is not adequate these things aren't asked of me.

I guess my advice would be say "I don't know yet" when she asks you what you are going to do. If you say it enough times she will evaluate it by the NT standard and assume you don't like her or don't trust her. If she's normal she'll eventually be miffed and become vaguely passive-aggressive, and if she's borderline she'll start a seek and destroy mission on you and try to get you fired/sued/exiled/executed. I wouldn't bother explaining anything to them, they don't listen and they don't understand, and you don't know what you are dealing with so at work it's best to go by the philosophy that 'anything you say can and will be used against you' and say as little as possible. That's just my bitter and jaded advice from 2 decades of being weird in the workforce. Outside of work, with non-coworkers, is a different story. But work is like people are lined up and the managment has a bunch of one hundred dollar bills tied on strings and it is a race to see who can chase the money and catch it the fastest. Any other picture of what work is about is just an illusion.

^Amen.

That is so well put . I've never got past being on the receiving end of the seek and destroy mission stage. I simply don't understand this stage because there is no apparent/ logical gain for the NT. You can not appease them, you can not rationalize with them, you haven't a clue what they actually want .

They seem to get the scent for you and then they relentlessly come after you. Maybe we trigger some hunting instinct in this particular type of NT.

Some NT's are not like this at all, but there's usually one in a group.

Has anyone figured out how to deal with them yet? Or what they want?

I always assume they are borderline or narcissist if they start displaying this kind of behavior, I had to go to great lengths studying psychology to finally make sense of this behavior and begin to understand it. Borderline personality disorder is called that because it's on the borderline between neurotic and psychotic. There is nothing you can do about it, but every bit of awareness helps. I know that my instincts in the past have failed me, I have to go against my natural inclinations to be truthful with these folks and instead react as little as possible, i.e. keep my eyes open and my mouth shut. In life you can just leave but at work you are stuck with them and they are in every work place...not only that but they are less likely to leave than other coworkers, I read a study that said of borderlines in the workforce, it usually happens that the other people they are making trouble for leave whereas they aren't bothered by the chaos they create and so they will be there long after their targets have fled. Most of the time in my experience human resources will turn a blind eye because they just don't care, or they will assume that both people are equally at fault (this *is* a straight, normal NT interpretation) and they will assume that you are both equally biased, so human resources alot of times is useless to deal with.

Yes, but why does this type make it a mission in life to come after us? If we could get this then maybe we could learn some personal social defense against them. My theory is this NT subtype,
like most NT's, don't know, or at least don't consciously know ( in the way we do) , what the hell they are doing most of the time, but are better than us at giving the impression they do.

I try and explain my difficulties to people without using the label. I just say everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses and not everyone is good at the same stuff. I say some people just have that difficulty. If they still don't get it, screw them.

Just tell her that you're not the party type and you plan to just spend the day quietly. Presumably this is true. You are reading too much into this. She is merely an extrovert and wants to share what is- to her- joy. There is nothing wrong with her. You just like different things. Since a fair number of NT people are introverts, she has likely run into introverts before. You just give an "introvert" type of answer and that is what mental category she will put you into.

I was so disgusted with someone's wish to get
me fired that I told them that if they get
me fired I'm going to give up on life and that
I am NOT going to look for work after that
but live on disability. Nothing shut them
up faster.

It kept me my job for another 2 years.

Last edited by LittleTigger on 01 Mar 2010, 6:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Exactly. Just say that you don't like big birthday parties. Many people not on the spectrum don't like them - my mum doesn't, she would prefer to stay home and read a good book to celebrate, or cook herself a delicious meal. Just something that she finds relaxing. Celebrating is different things for different people, it's not all about parties. You don't have to say you have Aspergers, just like a diabetic can say no to a caramel slice without saying that he has diabeties.

I don't think it's us(spectrum)/them (NT), axis 2 stuff comes from trauma and people with personality disorders are "coping" with their internal agony and they use people most receptive/naive/clueless to "cope" through. I think that people on the spectrum don't have an internal detector like most NT do about PD people...a normal NT might not be able to articulate why they stay away from these folks, they just pick up on it better. On a number of jobs I've had there was just this unwritten perception about certain people that alot of the NT had, they knew not to share their personal info with them, they knew not to trust them, they knew not to personalize their behavior, etc. But I didn't know any of that, or why I didn't know it, and I had to educate myself to keep from going crazy about why I was frequently a target of this behavior. I was a target because I was without guile, and very naive. I'm not sure it's something I can change, I just hope to recognize it better in the future. In my opinion the less information /emotion you show around someone you suspect has issues like this the better.

(p.s. I'm not saying the lady the OP referred to is a borderline, actually this all originated from an offhand comment based on personal experience).

I've never had this problem. Fortunately, I was born the day after Christmas so everyone was broke and tired when my birthday came around. As I've gotten older, I seem to care less and less about it.

For an answer as to what you're doing on your birthday, try saying that you usually celebrate with family. Some people enjoy being with relatives for special occasions.

Gweezle.

Hm. I've had this problem, too, where people just don't understand why you don't celebrate the same way as they do. And they ask 10,000 questions about what you did, who was there, what you ate, on and on. They don't need to know all that stuff, yet they keep on asking. I think for some people, they're just trying to be friendly, so, I don't hold it against people, but I do still find it quite rude. It is funny that in my experience these are people who seemingly ought to be able to read social cues who don't see that this is bothersome....hhmmm, maybe they've got their own issues, who knows. Maybe a good response might be in a deep voice, "Earthling, I am new to your planet, please teach me the rituals of your kind." This technique works best with people who are as far from sci fi fans as possible, like Professor Umbridge.

This reminds me of the book "Games People Play" which is all about that sort of thing. People ask a certain kind of question and expect a certain response. If you don't give them the right response you're not playing the game so it's very likely that you'll become ignored, disliked, or somehow not included socially. It's a fun read and has helped me not get pulled into certain situations. Handy for alienating people we sometimes actually want to alienate. muhaha.

Thanks for all your insights.
I don't think this person is out to get me or anything like that. I just think that she expects me to react to things the same way she does and can't understand why I don't. I'm sure if I said I had a nice meal planned with my family she would be happy with that, but that's not the truth, my SO is away for work so I will literally be doing absolutely nothing for my birthday. I guess I could have lied, but I honestly just couldn't be bothered.

Only person that doesn't understand me is my mum. She doesn't even try to.

Wow, I finally got around to this thread.

Brennan, lots of people don't care about, let alone celebrate their birthdays. You don't have to have asperger syndrome. One thing that Australia tends to have in common with the American south is that people don't mind their own business. These situations are much easier for me to deal with, because I make no attempt whatsoever to accommodate other peoples' inability to stick to their own business. I will tell them point blank that I have nothing to say to them.

This gets one of three reactions from others:

- Amusement
- Respect (tends to accompany amusement)
- Horrified

Usually if it's the third category, it's not someone I have to answer to so I don't care.