My son refuses to accept he has AS - need your advice

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Sounds like a bit of teenage rebellion, too. The general thing to do when you're thirteen is to start asserting your own identity, which naturally causes problems with your parents; but it's really to be expected of anyone around that age. If you say he's autistic, he'll say he's not just to be contrary.

And yeah, I agree--he probably doesn't want to be tortured at school. I do mean "tortured". Bullying in middle school is nothing less, and they'll target anyone who's the least bit different. His approach, though, doesn't help a thing; just saying you don't have autism doesn't make it so. I have no doubt he's utterly stressed out at school. If he was in that school nurse's office to get away from his exhausting classroom, it's no wonder he went and TP'd the bathroom after they wouldn't let him stay. Not excusable, mind you; he's got to learn to deal with his meltdowns and overloads in a non-hurtful (or, in this case, non-messy) way. But I can definitely understand why.

I think he needs a little time.

I don't know if this will help or if this is something you have already tried, but you may want to use your son's interests here.

I can empathize with your son, here. I've recently been diagnosed with Asperger's. I know I have it, but my body and my feelings don't want to admit it, yet. Someone once told me that the mind and body are two separate entities and it can be hard to get them lined up to function as one. I would suspect that your son does know he has Asperger's but his feelings and what he may be feeling inside his body is telling him otherwise.

I am an actor. Not a famous one, yet, mind you lol. But, I can definitely relate a little to what your son is going through. If you want to try and help him manage his behaviour and become a little more docile, one thing to try is using the fact that he likes writing scripts as one of his interests. And, that in order to become more successful at it that there may be an aspect to writing that involves observing. See if you can somehow use that as a tool. Writing is supposed to be a great release. Tell him that if he really enjoys writing, one of the things he has to do is start paying attention more to people and watch how they interact with each other and with him and make observations and reflect. After all, writing a script is about the human condition and how we relate to one another. Then, he can brainstorm and jot down in script form and allow the feelings to flow. This could help occupy his mind and get him to focus to write.

It seems to me that no one in the school system is taking the time to figure out what makes him tick and how to direct his energies. By using the script writing, you are allowing him to still be himself because of his interest and at the same time hoping to curb his behavior at school. I am now keenly aware of my own personal impulses and never realized how I denied them all these years. I had to do them in public and at home but your son is very fortunate in that he has an outlet at home for his impulses.

I don't like giving advice but it may be something to think about and ponder. If you want, you can say that you talked to an actor who does plays and has dealt with scripts and done his own writing (which I have) and said that one of the best ways to become a writer is through quiet observation and just watching people. And, if you can take an interest yourself in his writing learn some things that will help make him more successful at it by learning things such as subtext which can really only be learned by observing and watching. And find out why those things are important to writing to explain it to him.

Take care,
Upo

Oh dear, it sounds like your son has so much pride and he is stuck on the word normal. I have been there myself. I was at an age where I wanted to be like everyone else and be normal and then I get diagnosed. I wasn't happy about it. I also thought I could get rid of my AS and prove to everyone I don't have it. I didn't even know what it was then anyway so I never put much thought into it. I used to think it was bad and wouldn't believe I was very mild. But I came around and started to accept it but it took me a while and then I thought I didn't have it anymore.

My parents never told me I was autistic or I had autism. They just said I had AS. They didn't tell me either I was on the autism spectrum and it was a form of autism. They didn't tell me it was a form of it until I was looking up AS online and autism pops up so I asked my parents if I am autistic. They said I wasn't and I asked them why did autism pop up when I looked up Asperger's and they said it was because it's a form of it. Then I join the autism community at 17 and it took me awhile to accept autism and aspies calling themselves autistic. I used to wonder how can they have both? I used to get annoyed when the media and aspies call Asperger's autism.

I think it is important to distinguish between bad behaviour and autistic behaviour. What you describe sounds like bad behaviour. Obviously any lack of understanding of autism will make the reaction to that bad behaviour worse, and the behaviour escalates in response to the reaction, and so on. Maybe there is also fear of the unpredictable change if he gives up control of the classroom (which is what he is doing now) and settles down to work.

And when I say bad behaviour, I mean good, old-fashioned, ordinary bad behaviour. Maybe worse then other kids in his class, but not something that should be pathologised. Teenagers are simply hell to deal with. If you can accept that a teenager is driven only by selfish impulses, then life as a parent gets easier. (And they do grow out of it).

Treat him how he wants to be treated, and punish him. Reward him for good behaviour. Try to find out what he actually wants and lead him to the conclusion that it is an awful lot quicker to get those things by behaving well. School was hell for me until I started behaving according to the rules, and doing exactly what I wanted within that framework - it actually drove the teachers more crazy than misbehaving.

I saw this article http://www.autism.com/individuals/successful.htm by chance yesterday.

My daughter who's twelve and in middle school like your son was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. In sixth grade she was diagnosed with ADHD, and that didn't go over very well...so after a lot of thought and advice from the psychologist, I proceeded to have a 'different kind' of discussion about aspergers than I did about ADHD. At first the diagnosis of ADHD was so difficult for my daughter because for her...she has control issues...for a bunch of adults to tell her what is wrong with her...that's just hard. I tried to couch it in a way that it would be better--ie it's genetic and my brother, who's very intelligent has adhd. He's been diagnosed as an adult and takes meds, but life was HARD for him growing up. I think now that maybe aspergers would have been a good diagnosis for him if they did that diagnosing when we were young. He's come out well, despite his challenges, nerdiness, etc...(remember Bill Gates quote), He's a pretty successful web consultant, and has done really well for himself. But for my daughter, even having that genetic connection didn't do anything. She said to me, "I already feel like a freak, now I will just be more of a freak." It was such a hard conversation. So with the aspergers, even though that's a 'bigger' disorder (psychologist quickly figured out adhd wasn't the only thing going on), I decided to just play it down. One friend who's husband has aspergers, described it as ADHD and then some, and while I know that isn't really a correct description, I decided to go with that in the beginning, adding small amounts of correct information as the discussion became a more successful one. I talked about how she has a hard time with knowing when something is appropriate to say or not to say--like how she has always just blurted things out without regard to appropriateness....because that's what she's thinking....how she has had to sometimes had to describe someone's facial expression and look to me for the meaning, and how I've had to, over time explain to her when i have a look on my face she doesn't understand, or a tone of voice she can't decipher. And then, I let it go. For my daughter, the shorter the better. If you try to go on too long with a topic, she gets impatient. So I just kept it short and sweet....and it was really a different kind of conversation. I let her know about the 504 meeting I'd have with her teachers, and how I would bring home a list for her to decide what would help her the most.

I like the idea of a college aged mentor that someone gave. But something else occured to me while you were writing...you've become such a cheerleader for his AS, despite his discomfort with it. What i had to learn over the process of diagnosis is that it IS absolutely important for my daughter to take charge of her own life. I've left off the nagging about schoolwork and let her know that it's up to her, she can be put out of her school for bad grades...and she LIKES her school...the structure especially. But her school difficulties are different...I get calls at the beginning of school...and then once she gets used to the routine (which takes her a LONG time), she's okay. I've found that because she prefers her independence, I need to start dialing back a bit...support her, but let her come to grips with the information...I prepare her for the psychiatrist visits by saying, "Your appointment is coming up. Be thinking about what you want to tell the DR. about your medication...do you think it's working well." At the last appointment, I felt she could use a tad more medication--she takes a relatively low dose--but I want her to trust that she has control of how much medication she takes. In the last appointment I sat next to her rather than across from her and realized I should have been doing this all along because she was able to answer questions better without having to process the expressions of two people at the same time. She could answer all the questions for herself.

So I guess my advice is to dial back the as cheer leading. Maybe look into a mentor. With my daughter, I let her know I'm here if she has questions, but she doesn't have to talk about it (being nagged into talking is hard for her) if she doesn't want to. She's got a 504 plan now at school for test taking and a few other things...when I went in for the initial meeting, I brought back a list of options and asked her what SHE would like to have. She's been very pleased with a seperate testing area...when she can go to the library and take a test, she comes home and tells me about it...and I can tell it really helps. With her computer tech teacher, she told him she has a hard time listening and working at the same time and when he asked if it was in her file she confidently said, "Yes, I think it is." I think it has made her feel more 'empowered' that I've given up some 'power' and handed more responsibility over to her. she was scared at first and said, "What if I fail?" (without me giving homework reminders and things of that nature)...I said, "We all fail sometimes. We'll figure it out if that happens." She's kind of found a mentor at our church youth group and has been talking to that person about her asperger's a little. That lady knows something about aspergers and was able to say, "You know, Einstien was said to have AS." I found I was happy she was having this discussion with someone else because I see it as self acceptance...but we don't talk about it a lot at home because I don't think she wants me to necessarily go on about her as. She just wants me to be Mom...and that's a hard enough job.

...bethaniej, will you adopt me?

Your daughter is seriously lucky.

LOL thanks, but sometimes she doesn't think so....and this is what works best after A LOT of trial and error over time you know. Still thanks.

Writergirl,

You have a problem that happens with AS tweens and teens. He looks to be developing conduct disorder which is caused my inconsistantly lax and hard punishment. Not saying this is your fault, sounds more like the schools disipline that is causing it. In kids with autism, punishments must be light and imediate lasting only a day or two and strictly consistant. What happens is AS kids get in trouble...and then stay in in trouble...feel there is no way out of trouble, so they say to themselves...I am going to be in trouble no mattter what I do, so I might as well get in do something worth the punishment. What is seen as 2-3 week punishment to NT adults is no big deal...is a really big deal for an AS kid because after a few days they dont see the make the connection between the crime commited and why they are still being punished. So punishments must be very short in duration..but very conistant..

I had this problem....and I did a 180 degree turn around in behavior once I was punished very lightly, very imedately, very consitantly for about 6 months. For example wrapping the bathroom in toilet paper, he should have to work with the janitor in replacing all the toilet paper in all the male bathrooms that afternoon. Connect the crime with the punishment. And dont have him sent home...that is what he wants...however hanging out with the janitor to do toilet paper duty is truly uncool.
However you only have a window of time to get him set straight because conduct disorder is the begining stage of antisocial personality disorder which is really bad and once it gets to that stage around 16-18 years old, it is untreatable...but conduct disorder is treatable.

Also I have a sneaky suspicion that the school may be mistreating him behind closed doors and you need to get a clinical psycholigist who specializes in children and teens with autism to help you set some rules about disiplining him the way I told you about. They wont listen to you on this without the psycholigist there at the meeting because it was them that created this situation with you son and they dont want to admit to that.

But to answer your question,
The real issue here is not whether or not he accepts his autism...but that he gets this behavior issue under control. This behavior is setting him up for a lifetime of pain and conflict with authority. I have seen many parrents of AS kids that allow their kids to get away with unacceptable behavior because they are autistic. It is not a free pass to cause total mayhem.
Also dont worry about whether or not he accepts this about himself because the more you push it, the more he will resist the issue. He must accept this on his own terms. Meanwhile you must work behind the scenes to set things up so he can succeed.

I went through that stage as a teenager. I didn't want to acknowledge that there was something was wrong with me. I also wanted a magic pill that would cure me, so that I could have friends and a job, believe it or not. Man, have I ever changed, since those days.

Agree with the people who are saying "consistent, predictable discipline". It is utterly confusing to try to obey rules when the rules aren't obvious or predetermined, and when the punishments aren't consistent or predictable.

If he behaves fine at home, most likely you're being quite consistent; but if school is overwhelming and unpredictable, then his misbehavior there might not be as good.

Three things:
1. Make sure he knows exactly what is expected of him. Have his teachers write down a list for him if he has to. Remember to include rules that are general enough to cover things the teachers didn't think of, for example, "It is against the rules to hurt another student, physically or emotionally."

2. Make sure he knows the consequences. If he doesn't know what punishment to expect, or if the punishments are inconsistent, then they simply won't work.

3. Make sure he's not being asked to do things he simply can't do. Being punished for being overloaded past the meltdown point, for example, is no good. And leaving the classroom, or otherwise removing oneself before the situation gets to that point, should even be rewarded. If he's being asked to do things he can't do, or can only do when he's perfectly well-rested, calm, and unstressed, then he'll simply give up on trying.