help me help him

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new here and looking to make life in our household a little more comfortable.

My husband and I belive that he has undiagnosed Asperger's, in fact we would bet the house on it. I stumbled on Asperger's while researching the behaviors of my twin boys, that I feel are not up to par with other children similar in age and have felt this way since birth, however Dr's brush me off or tell me they are too young and have met or exceeded milestones so we wait.

in the meantime, back to my husband. I really want to help him be more comfortable in our house. I don't allways understand and most often feel like I am a married single mother of twins, two dogs, a cat and a husband, but we have found ways to cope.

Our biggest issue is he must deal with me who has ADHD, our very high needs fussy and needy twin boys, barking dogs pet hair and a stinky cat. I used to think he was just a jerk ...but now I understand it is not his fault and I want to help.

The kids are still toddlers, but i can tell they find it hard when he shuts down and does not want to be very close to them or shuts them out cause he is overloaded by the cries, screams and banging that is toddler life. When he is ready to be close and open to them...the timing is off and they either do not want to be touched or they want to play. Does this make sense.

I would love to say that I do everything I can to keep things quiet, smelling non offensive etc. However with my husband regularily shutting down and boarding up in his room with headphones on, this leaves a lot on my to do list and most to little gets done. It not possible to pack everyone up and leave everytime he needs to decompress.

If anyone has tips either from a NT or ASPIE point of view on how to be a happy family with an Aspie in the family.

http://asdrelationships.freeforums.org/
Not a ASD parenting forum of course


Earplugs. I plan to wear them when I have kids.

wow, it sounds like you have your hands full. It sounds like you need support at least as much if not more than he does. I am around my nephews every day, who are one and two, but I can leave when I want to. How willing is he to address that there are difficulties?

Just be there for him, and help him to feel that he's accepted. If he wants to tell you about a special interest, let him. Treat him like you treat the other adults in your life, and don't ever raise your voice at him.

Buy him some earplugs. If his biggest problem is the noise, this would let him stay in the same room as the children while not being overloaded by their loudness.

Greetings and welcome to WP! I understand your question is mainly about your relationship with your husband, but this part of your post caught my attention:

I think its good you want to be supportive, but you also need to be realistic. I suggest sitting down together and going over your expectations of each other. Let him know what YOU need. Maybe since you suspect he's AS, making a family schedule would be good. My daughter lives by ritual. Maybe scheduling his time with the kids would be good....and you have some free time during that. Then schedule some family time....and finally, the down time he needs. That way you don't always feel like the single Mom.

btw....I just wanted to mention that I am a single parent of an AS/ADHD daughter. I've been diagnosed with ADD and take meds....and suspect I also have some AS traits. But for the most part, I'm a good mom. I don't think an undiagnosed disorder such as AS means you are a bad or unsupportive parent. For myself I have to take things slow. My daughter knows I need a few minutes in my room by myself as soon as I get home from work (she gets home a bit earlier on the bus). I take a few minutes of quiet, sit in a chair, maybe a read a little. Then I got out and spend the evening. I've been raising her by myself for a long time. We've had a lot of challenges along the way. But I want to mention this because it does sound like you are doing a LOT on your own...and i hate when married women feel that way. Spouses who are parents need to be mutually supportive in the best way they can/know how.

B

Thanks to everyone for the feedback. I find alot of peace in knowing that I am not alone and that it is not neccesarily his fault. And we had great sucess in ear plugs, so much that I think we own stock. But I will try suggesting them at more favorable times such as the hour before bedtime when the boys get quite hectic.

I'm glad that I could help, the best I could.

Heh, you know it's hectic when the NT's the one having the meltdowns.

My mom says that the toddler years are some of the most stressful years of parenting, before the kids are civilized. (Teen years are second hardest, apparently.)

Does your hubby have a quiet place of his own (an office or something of that sort) he can go to if he's stressed?

Yes we have had seperate offices since the day we bought our house. Someone asked us if we would merge our offices when the twins get older or if we try for another child...We both looked appaled. We each have an office and it is seperated by a room for sound coushion!! We would have to divorce or buy a new house...sharing office space is not optional.

with his Aspergers he needs a place where he can shut the door and be alone and also do his OCD type things or imerse himself in what ever all comsuming project he has taken on...And for me and my ADHD I get one room where no one can tell me how messy it can or can't be...it is the one room i do not have to clean for company, and if I choose to hoard a few dishes no one is the wiser.

It is also where we eat

I agree if the NT is stressing it is not good...I tend to weather the storm