I always found it difficult at school being bullied whatever school i went to as my dad was in the raf we kept on moving base locations , i used to go to school fearing every day. My teachers never understood me , when ever i stood up and answered a teachers question i was ridiculed for it . I became fearful of ever being myself , i was always the outcast in sports never being picked out for the team and through my school years i ever became the lonely school kid. I had friends away from Juniour school , atleast i thought i did but then they soon became nasty towards me i'd knock on the door of a friends house but the parents would turn me away.. "Sorry he doesn't want to play with you anymore". I never treated anyone badly , i never swore or spoke down to anyone. I got my first computer and just gave up ever going out , i gave up going to the shops to so called friends and just played the computer. I'd spend a whole summer in doors on the computer , why should i go out to that worldly life.
My mum met someone else but that person also never understood me ,i ended up living with my mum and step dad. But my new dad would find it difficult to do anything with me , when i wanted to go out to spend time with my step dad i'd be promised the earth. But when the time came all he did was work in his office !. I still saw my real dad but at the times i did see him , he always used to moan to my mum about it and request money of her for spending anything on me. Here son have this game or lets go out for lunch , but then behind my back complain to my mum about any cost involved and that he could've done something else instead.
Life become hectic with my step dad , mum in tears , step dad sleeping with other women , new friends from senior school coming over but then being shouted at because for example dropping chips on the floor in the garden. It ended up difficult to even have my friends over , they just didn't want to spend time with me anymore. So again lonely...
Senior School went down hill , our groups was split up so after morning reg i ended up in lessons with bullies and trouble makers. I wanted to work hard but because i was different than everyone else i was treated as if i was one of the scum. It turned into a school of hell , being punched in the arm at lunch , shouted at , taunted. I remember that day at the french class , i got my books out and no teacher. Why was there never a teacher to help me ! , anyway two bullies sat at the end of the table and kept on throwing things at me. One was about the size of a sixth former. *SMACK* i got hit in the side of the head by something hard , i'd look " He's gay look he's gay , he's looking at me , are you gay? ". I'd put my head down *SMACK* "look he's going to look at me again , stop looking at us you fag , are you starting a fight". This went on for mins and mins , finally the teacher turned up and what does he do , picks me out to answer questions. I just wanted to cry inside , i wanted to die. My maths lesson was just as bad , hit and things thrown.
This went on for years , atleast it felt that way... I still look back and wonder how i never put that tie around my neck , maybe it was my mum that loved me. Because she did and kept me going , but she never really knew everything that went on at school. My exams came and i pretty much failed them all , not because i didn't study it was just because my mind was always on other things. I was always depressed and yes that damn computer , it was the only thing that gave me fun because nobody else was. I went to school to do my exams and i'd be bullied outside the exam hall , i didn't even do my french i just hid and cried because i was scared to go into the french class.
The step dad thing broke up in the end when investigators got called and he was seeing a woman before he came over to me which really hurt my mum. When being confronted we got thrown out the house and ended up living in some bottom floor flat near a pub. Mum met someone else and he just treated me like crap , used to talk down to me , sarcasm and call me fat on occasion. I wasn't that fat but i had a tummy..
Mum was always looking for a dad for me but it never really worked out , so in the end it just became me and the bro/sisters(another story). We got moved to another area and i thought things would improve but it didn't. Some people from school used to taunt and shout at my bedroom window as they found out where i lived , i was worried about turning my light on.
I decided to try to get on with my life and go to college and for the first time i had good friends , i ended up getting on with people. The problem was i just didn't do my work , i'd daydream at college and would panic if the teacher ever asked me a question. " don't pick me , Don't pick me , please " would go through my head. I even passed my driving test and drove a car to college but i was always having a panic if i couldn't find anywhere to park. Things changed again , i'd be sitting in the lunch hall on my own and they'd go off in their own groups. I did end up with a GNVQ at college ( science ) so something came out of it.
Being i was at that age , i ended up on jobseeker allowance and the fear really set in. I was so afraid of the outside world , a part from college i used to go straight home because in truth i couldn't handle the people outside. I did some temp jobs which well didn't really suit me , having to go with people in a van all smoking and generally the sort of people that beat me up at school. I felt i was being crowded!. I applied for an office job and things didn't go to badly during the first part , but then they got me to answer the phone. I was in a panic state really bad , i just froze. I did attempt it but all i got was moaned at that i didn't smile and i didn't direct the phone calls better. I also got laughed at by the employees telling me i should make their lunch aswell. I went out to my car and i just cried , i wanted to drive and keep driving never to be seen again. I was having a panic over and over again , shaking.
I left the job and two weeks later got another , Pc world!. I loved computers so surely this would be it for me but no , with no training they just said right talk to those people and help them. I was doing customer support so straight away i was getting moaned at. I couldn't cope , the panic set in.. I wanted to run , hide.. I can't do this , help me someone. Another job that i left.
Enough was enough, i ended up first getting someone to talk to me and was then transferred to psychiactric and sure enough i was diagnosed with Autism(aspergers) & OCD. Atleast i knew something was going on.. I was given different medications and people telling me at the specialists " You are awesome , just think you are awesome ". Oh yeh i'm so awesome , NOT.
But anyway we moved house and things went really bad. This guy across the road was always drinking and his kids were nightmares , if i went out anywhere i'd get taunted from atleast someone in the neighbourhood. One day his kids kept on throwing stuff at our family , i ended up chasing one then telling them to leave my family alone. After that a knock at the door and my life was being threatened , the police were not interested.. My mum was later having a go and the woman his wife hits me in the face , huge rings and blood was pouring from my face. All i wished was to be left alone , i had enough of the abuse but it just got worse.
They ended up with a court order but the taunts never stopped and thus we moved out!.
Because of the size of the new place i decided to live with my dad as most of the time he wasn't in anyway. I must've been in my mid to late teens now. Mum was getting some annoyance from neighbours but dad got involved and again it was the previous neighbourhood but even worse. Things thrown at my car , many different scums on street corners throwing abuse. I even offered to help take my bro to school to get me out the house and the scum ended up at the same school i took my brother to. I ended up with abuse even at my brothers little school , but so did my brother. Had about 5years of it , i feared going home , i feared going out!. I ended up on disability allowance from the government because i was messed up , all i did now was spend my time on the computer hopeing the time would go fast and i didn't have to leave the house.
At times my dad even wanted me out to face them , it was like BACK ME UP SON but he never defended me when i so wanted help. Sometimes driving me home he would face the gangs head on and my side window would be banged on , while dad was out the car pointing fingers. At some point in my life i broke down , i smashed my cupboard up and punched my bedroom door till my hands bled. I couldn't sleep , up every hour of the night thinking something was going to happen!. I remember one day a woman coming to the door saying my brother stabbed her son with a pencil , but nothing was said at school. Later that day my bro/sis got dropped off at home and the husband pulled past was threatening me and dad with an axe. Came back to our house and a brick was put through the car windscreen , we called the police and they didn't show till next day. We did find out that the kid who made this up was a friend of a friend in the gang and was picking on my little brother.
We finally moved out again , but we moved into a nice area , but we kept having to put up with noisy neighbours either through DIY late hours or loud music. I ended up a wreck i couldn't even sleep Again. Ended up dad having a fight outside the house and the neighbours quickly moved out..
In this sudden peace time , I decided to take up photography which really helped me get out there , but it was peace in mind. I'd walk the lakes just doing photo's... I could look up and pray that things would turn out ok. I found my autistic speciality!.
Another thing was i ended up going to a clairvoyance night and some medium was pretty accurate with me which i broke down from , but i still enjoyed seeing how clairvoyance worked and ended up going out again talking to people. I even ended up going to the gym and doing some fitness and actually talking to MORE people!. Oh and i even had 3 different girlfriends , yay me lol
I started my own paranormal group investigating haunted buildings and i really enjoyed that , it was going on for two years. To be the admin wow , what an achievement but then that folded over. I thought were friends quickly stabbed me in the back and i was really hurt. One was even abusive towards us!. It took me some years to get my trust of others back again , so i joined another paranormal group. Not only did they like my photo's i was also the team photographer , but slowly but surely i was being pushed out by someone who was more popular. I just got the cold shoulder , I knew my place when i asked for a lift. I drove many many miles and sometimes just meeting half way would help alot. But it was as if they really didn't want me to come along anymore , so i said my goodbyes.
I only had one friend from school and he stabbed me in the back too , used to do photography alot together and just be good buds. But for some reason it just stopped , excuses after excuses about not wanting to do anything with me. I then found out that he prefered going Fishing with a bloke from an old paranormal team who was abusive towards us. How could my best friend do this to me , he always said to me he couldn't go out because he was really busy. Was i really that bad?
But last year something really bad happened , i won't go into it because it's personal but it nearly destroyed me. I ended up wishing suicide , i cut my wrists i couldn't sleep , my health took a dive. I'm recovering again but something really bothers me , i'm 30years old at home with parent and no job and over 2000 grand in debt.
Who do i talk to , when i see a job i wouldn't mind i just go into that panic state.. I'm so used to just being on the computer and fearing the outside life. My photography was ok because i was on my own , nobody to point fingers and taunt. I say to myself i'll make something of myself and i never do. I see people with homes of their own and i want that , i see people with jobs i want that. I want to get out of this life but i keep hitting that wall. I do at times feel i should just give up saying " nobody will want you now anyway ". I do not enjoying having Autism and OCD , i sometimes wonder would my life have been better?. Ever the outcast. I could mention the bad times with my dad aswell , he did say autism was alot of rubbish for many years.
Oh and my younger brother is also diagnosed autistic but unlike him he prefers to go out , go on the train... go out with his friends. I don't think i have friends anymore.
p.s There is probably alot of other stuff i could mention , if you want to know just ask... Just not to personal :p i don't want to bore you too much
Please read though , would mean alot to me
25 Apr 2010, 2:41 pm
, won't even mention my other family members - cousins e.t.c 
.
