How do I talk to my husband about AS?

Post Reply New Topic

So, I strongly suspect my hubby is an aspie. I've done a lot of reading and see that he has many of the traits. We're having a hard time in our marriage (or *I* am, anyway), and it feels like I'm getting hurt on an almost daily basis by things that he says/does. I'm feeling emotionally disconnected from him and am not able to explain this to him in a way that he seems to get.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out how to broach the subject of AS to him. He's likely to be dismissive. I also am afraid that, if he takes it seriously, it will be a difficult thing to consider, psychologically. I don't want to cause him pain.

Any suggestions? Thanks.

My wife was the first to bring AS to my attention. She forwarded me a link to a webarticle on AS, with the header: ,'Read This, it Sounds Like You.'

Boy, did it ever! Finally an explanation for why living in the same space with other people makes me crazy!

We get along so much better now that we don't live together anymore.

I think that you should take Willard's advice on this one.

I am married 26 years and diagnosed 1 year. The diagnosis is like someone switching on a light, because so much makes sense. My wife recognised the diagnosis immediately, quicker than me, but both of us have found it helpful.

I suppose nobody likes to be challenged or labelled, so it is probably important that he sees some purpose to looking at the diagnosis - how it will help him, you and your relationship. That should be easy if he either recognises that he has social difficulties, or recognises that your relationship has problems, or acknowledges that you think your relationship has problems. Obviously you don't want it to sound like you are blaming him, but want him to see how understanding the diagnosis would also help understand the problems.

Looking at other aspects though, is he easily offended? If he is very blunt and upfront in the way many people with AS are, then he might not be offended by a blunt and upfront question.

Or better yet, a part of a book.

I would not talk to him about it like, "And now you can change."

Even small amounts of that are really destructive.

Also, if he figures out he is an aspie, and what that really means, it may cause problems between the two of you for awhile.

My boyfriend of five years started dating someone else, as you know, to try to avoid the, "I can't live with people and I need lots of space issue." (Although that's exactly what I gave him, and she gives him a hard time about "being in his own little world" so we'll see.)

There are as many possible reactions to a diagnosis as there are aspies.

There is a book called, "The Couples' Workbook" that has a good section on what as does to the NT partner--and it's very gentle. I would start with that. Even the nicer of the various books on autism and relationships might come off as pretty horrific to some aspies.

You should accept him, as he is.

Yes, accept him as he is BUT the lady needs more than this.

So..............................

Sit down with your other half and a big list of Asperger symptoms. If you can't find one on the Internet them PM me with your email address and I'll send you my copy. Next you arrange with your husband a series of little clues that what he's doing is a little (or maybe totally) out of order. An ex girlfriend of mine used to ask me if my phone was on vibrate if I did something crazy whilst in company.

Next seriously consider therapy of some sort where you both attend on a regular basis so that you can work this out between you.

Finally, you need to remember that most of the time your husband will never realize that you're upset until it gets to the point where you're throwing stuff around. Sit down with the guy and explain to him what he did or didn't do is upsetting you and do this again and again until he gets the message. It's not that you're being hard or unkind here, it's just that sometimes it takes a little time for the message to get through due to the fog caused by AS.

Vanilla_Slice

Thank you, ALL, for your input. Very helpful. I've printed out this article, and am hoping to gently broach the subject this evening: http://autism.about.com/od/aspergerssyn ... ergers.htm. I'm very nervous about it and am really hoping it goes well. Wish me luck!

Rooish

If it doesn't don't get too down about it. I was given the same method i.e. print something out and I reacted badly at first.

...it's o.k. What you can learn about how to be in a relationship with an aspie will stand you in really good stead. A lot of how this works out is up to you.

He can't change much--but you can, for him.

My wife just quietly told me that she suspected I might have AS.....I didn't believe her the first time, then she said it again, very quietly and calmly as before, so I reluctantly put it onto my "to do" list to take an online test or two.......and was gobsmacked when the tests turned out strongly positive. So I told her what had happened and I went for a proper DX.

It was quite an unusual way for her to talk to me - normally when she had an idea, she would try to ram it down my throat and she could get quite aggressive about it if I didn't instantly see it her way, which always made me feel like shutting her out because I hate it when people try to load me up with pressure. So I'm pretty sure that the way of approaching the AS suspicion was crucial, and I'd recommend a very light touch. Ultimately of course, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, so if Hubby doesn't want to know, there might no tbe much that you can do about it, apart from repeating the message from time to time, and hoping that it doesn't just become a sore point.

But even if he won't accept AS as a possibility, you're still entitled to complain to him about the aspects of his behaviour that you find the most difficult to deal with, and it's reasonable to expect him to take the complaints on board and to try to find solutions with you so that you can both be happy together. If something he's doing or not doing is really hurting you, then he's going to want to know about it, right?

Thanks, everyone. I DID talk to him, and tried to do it gently, with a light touch. It didn't go well.

His response? That he thinks it's "sad" that I'm spending all this time trying to diagnose him, instead of just saying that "he sucks". In regards to the article: "I don't mean to be rude, but is this supposed to be scientific?" He equated the list of traits with looking at a horoscope: anyone can find something that fits. He said that I'm "always" trying to diagnose him (I've ONCE before suggested that he might have ADD, and still believe this to be true). He said that maybe I should just find someone who's a better fit for me, who can make me happy. He said "you can do better". He seemed hurt and sad, and this just kills me. I DON'T want to hurt him, and I tried to be very gentle about all of this. It upsets me so much that he's unwilling to do any sort of evaluation or counseling. He just refuses. It's basically "take it or leave it."

When I got really upset and was crying, he was very sweet and consoling. However, this morning, he's acting like nothing's wrong and when I said I'm still upset and scared, he told me "don't stress so much".

I don't know where to go from here.

Would he do an online test (like the 2nd one here http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt113459.html), just for the sake of patronising you?

I think you're getting a lot of good advice but I'd like to add some suggestions. If he doesn't know much about Asperger's and has negative feelings about things that can be percieved as mental illness, you might want to do a little pre-education with him so that when you do bring him more information he's ready to accept it.

Some people feel that any kind of diagnosis one can get from a psycholigist makes them crazy. If your husband doesn't already already know that people with AS are perfectly "normal" in their own way. AS isn't a mental illness it's just a different way of being and thinking that can in fact be very useful. You might want to point out some interesting famous people who have AS or are suspected to, and the valuable contributions to society they've made. You know him better and might know what kind of an approach will mean something to him.

If he already has a good acceptance of ASDs in general then maybe you don't need that step. Then, by all means bring it up in one of the ways suggested.

Kiley

oh dear..

obviously from this like a large number of people he has some self esteem issues.


reinforces the esteem issues.


did he say this like he was giving a work college advice or did he seem abit depressed giving this advice?



This last bit indicates both fear on his part and a small case of average normal denial, He DOES NOT want to face whatever issues he or anyone else thinks he has, i suspect he cares for you but is afraid to deal with things.

Do what you feel you should but keep us informed?

Kia: did he say this like he was giving a work college advice or did he seem abit depressed giving this advice?

Well, it was a bit odd (to me). He DID say it was depressing. But he said "maybe you should find someone else" in sort of a detached way. A bit like, "well, if it's not working for you, do the logical thing and move on".

Kia: This last bit indicates both fear on his part and a small case of average normal denial, He DOES NOT want to face whatever issues he or anyone else thinks he has, i suspect he cares for you but is afraid to deal with things.

I think you're right. How do I help move us towards better communication and healing in our relationship without pouring salt into existing self-esteem wounds?

Someone asked if he'd be willing to do the online test. Maybe, but honestly, I feel like his response has been so negative that I'm afraid to bring it up again. I'm really worried that I've done too much damage to his self-esteem, already.

I met him for lunch today and he was saying things like "Ah...life is good....sunshine, a pretty girl....etc." I know he's just trying to get things back on track in the only way he knows, but it's hard. I'm sitting next to him in angst, and he doesn't know what to do to address it. When I suggest that we get some help and talk to someone, he shuts down. A part of me just wants to put aside my own needs to make him feel like everything is ok. But it's not, and I know that won't be okay in the long run, for either of us.