How do I talk to my husband about AS?

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based on your replies, he expects the relationship to fail (guessing he has a history of this).

I dont really want to answer this but im ethically obliged to.

lets start with an axiom "you cant help those who wont help themselves", sitting him down and saying clearly, firmly without interruption from him (if it is still without doubt true for you) that you love him and will stand by him as best you can, may help, i dont believe you questioning him or prompting him to self-discover is harming his self-esteem, the problem is already there, self-esteem is most often damaged by ones own self, this isnt carte blanc to go ahead and be tactless (i doubt you are), but it just means you are not solely responsible.

The decision not to disregard your own needs is a very wise one, emotionally beaten down and depressed you'll be of no help to anyone not even yourself, a relationship that eats you alive giving nothing back, is not healthy.

His shutdowns are just evasion, he doesnt want at the moment to deal.. unfortunately pushing or ultimatums are likely to have the opposite effect to what one intends.

I would say, you need a time of honest, brutal and difficult self reflection upon this matter. you have to live with you, your thoughts feelings and memories (no one elses) for the rest of your life.

whatever happens, best of luck.

I doubt that you have damaged his self esteem in the least - his reaction is because it is already low, and he has negative expectations of what you are trying to achieve. He is probably unable to see any positive benefit (for you or himself) in what you are trying to do - so probably it is unwise to push it.

I would wonder if he is actually clinically depressed as well. Especially if you have had a good relationship in the past and he has become uncommunicative, unmotivated and lacks pleasure in his life.

What to do? If you are reasonably certain that he has AS, then does that help you to deal with the situation, and with his behaviour in different situations? Is it enough to keep things on an even keel until either he feels some benefit in "going along with your whims" (or however you want to pitch it), or you find another strategy, or events conspire (as they always do, eventually) to bring things to a head?

Actually, I would find a therapist for you who knows about aspies.

Quite frankly, if I had my own mess to do over again, I would have done that a while ago: aspies don't respond well to relationship pressure.

Ultimately, after several months of being apart, and really grieving and getting angry, my ex-sometimes-boyfriend started calling again....

only I'm not planning on asking him to change. I'm not entirely sure what to say, but I do know it's very, very different than when he first told me that he has AS (this is three, almost four months ago.)

You will react better and do less harm to the relationship if you can even give yourself a couple of months to accept that he may have no intention of doing anything.

(Although it may not matter---you married him because you like him right?)

You've still got the right to object to any specific behaviour that upsets you. If he insists he's neurotypical, then there's probably no point in arguing, but that doesn't give him immunity from criticism or challenge. In a way he's making himself more open to this by rejecting the Aspie label, because if he'd accepted it then he could use it as an excuse ("I can't help it, it's my brain wiring"). But as it is, he's declared himself to be fully capable of the required flexibility to adjust to your needs.

I don't like that "maybe you should find somebody better" routine. I think that's just a cop-out to shut you up. He can't have it both ways - claiming have no issues while also insisting that his faults are so inexorable that you need to get a new man to replace him. If he's got no issues then why isn't he claiming that he's doing a fine job?

He's probably scared of falling into the "I'm OK, you're not OK" trap, which is exactly the thing some people want when they label somebody with a mental disorder, so they can control them. I'm not saying that you'd want to do that to him, just that from his point of view, he might not know that. Unfortunately saying things like "I think you have this disorder but please rest assured that I don't see it as a disability" probably doesn't cut much ice, because it can be seen as a glib platitude even when it's sincerely meant.

So I'd say just focus on the traits as they happen.......Aspergers is rather like a religion in that it can always be argued that it's a load of rubbish - if you don't want to believe in it then there's no argument in the world that can alter that. But the individual traits are objective, and can be demonstrated and highlighted as real-life events. People can argue that the stuff in the pepper pot isn't pepper, but they can't deny that the pot contains a dusty powder that makes you sneeze. And that's all you need to keep the stuff out of your face.

It's a shame that he won't share your discovery - naturally if he did, it would make it simpler for you to think together on your problems. But it's still a very useful discovery, even if there's no point showing your working to him. You'll probably end up being able to predict his reactions to things quite well, though he'll not know how you're doing it.

you should read about Cassandra affective disorder.

(Not that I believe in that if the aspie is diagnosed and working on it. ) There is a section on that in the front of "22 Things".

The easiest way to deal with it trait by trait is to say something like (without mentioning AS) "Can you tell me what you need, now?" "This is what I need."

And it accept that it may be strange.

If it is strange, or he thinks what you're asking for is strange, say something like, "Well, then I guess we're both strange--but neither one of us has to be wrong."

I find it much, much easier if the words "AS" do not come out of my mouth during those conversations.

How did it go?

Cockney Rebel: it didn't go very well (see above, a few posts up). Now he's mostly acting like it was never brought up. I DID send him the link to the online AQ test the day after our "conversation" and he never mentioned it. I don't see any point in bringing it up.

Poppy, yes, I've read about CAD. I know it's controversial, but label or not, I do have negative emotional and physical effects from the stress of all of this. I already have chronic fatigue syndrome (from before I met him), quite severe, and I'm pretty sensitive to stress. But I don't really see this as my husband's fault...in the end it's up to me to stay or go. I just want to make sure I've done everything I can to understand the situation clearly. If a different perspective and understanding him better will help, I want to try that, if I'm able.

Understanding him will help.

Just don't underestimate the grieving process. It's pretty major.

Yeah, I think you're right. I do feel a lot of loss right now.

I'm sorry. It will get better.

But just when you think you're over it

you're not.

Don't take it out on yourself.

Thanks, Poppy!