Accidently provoking men?

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I'm a male age 47. One thing I've tried and I think have had some success with is the broader eye slit area. I'm not staring into the eyes. I'm more gently scanning the eye slit area.

Now, there is so much random flux with social interactions, that admittently yes, it is kind of hard to tell how one thing works. (And as I tell myself again and again, no one thing works all the time. It's about noticing the obvious and adjusting as you go along). But I think the scan rather than the stare and the broader area including the expressive muscles around the eyes, and extending in my periphereal vision down to nose and mouth area, I think that has helped me.

I actually misunderstood this too, to mean provoking men to anger.

Sometimes people (complete strangers) will turn around and shout at me "What is your PROBLEM!! !", and I am completely unaware of what I have done to provoke them. I assume that I have stared, but they also accuse me of being sarcastic, sneering, arrogant or looking down on them - all without me saying anything (which is kind of impressive).

But yes, I think the other provocation happens sometimes too - people see sexual attraction where it was not intended, and either get spooked by what they have perceived, or respond over-affectionately. Especially if they have been drinking.

And this is kind of the theory of not overtrying in making friends. And I think there's a lot to this.

sometimes I think people spend more time projecting their opinions and problems onto other people then actualy trying to see the situation for what it is. Maybe you didint do anything. Maybe they just wanted you to be doing something else. Thats not your fault for not understanding "psychic-ly" what they wanted you to do, that Is their problem for having an unreasonable expectation. (trust me, they do that to each other too and just as randomly)

(ps, sorry If my strange spelling confuses anyone I try to be as clear in my communications as possible, but english is a bad language to express most concepts of thought, at least for me, so I have a tendancy to make up my own words and spelling for things)

You might want to be a little careful about overdepending on Mace. A study from some years back, it didn't really have that much effect, not with someone's adreline running and all. I guess it does have some element of surprise.

A self-defense like karate that emphasizes hitting and kicking, in just a couple of months you can learn enough that it might make a difference.

A self-defense like akido that focuses on balance points, it takes a couple of years.


Or, like this guy I knew from college said, Track is the best self-defense. And run toward a crowd.

as a female chances you would be able to take out a full grown male attacker with something like karate is pretty slim. better to focus on judo or ti-chi something that plays to your physical strengths and focuses on maximizing defense. (Ive flipped a 300lb friend across a room once with a judo technique. trust me It works. Judo uses the attackers momentum as the force, so essentialy they end up hurting themselves, (and looking rather dumb for attacking you in the process)

Holy crap! I just realized, I experience this too. (I think it also helps that I have a very expressive face, and I smile often as a defensive mechanism as well as when I'm happy. That's appealing to people; naturally charismatic people also have those characteristics. If I naturally were expressionless or frowned a lot, I probably wouldn't get this sort of response).

I've been wondering for years why I can't "click" and get past polite acquaintanceship with 90% of the people I meet, particularly other women. I've never understood this because my clothes, voice, and general appearance are very feminine, and I have no stereotypically masculine interests, so they can't be seeing me as too guy-like like what antique toy was saying. Now it makes more sense!

This also explains why my few female friends, like my male friends, are invariably geeky and/or intellectual, with interests beyond small talk. I analyze things & ask questions too much, am too outspoken, and get too bored with small talk to really "click" with most women, even those who keep classic literature on their dorm room shelves. Men are more likely to have the same conversational style, so I have more male friends.

I think men do mistake my studying them for romantic interest sometimes. It's only compounded by the fact that, since I have limited processing ability, I tend to give whoever I'm talking to complete attention, which is probably reflected in leaning forward, good eye contact, gesture mirroring, & similar nonverbals. I'm also starved for good conversation (and have no sense of time), so I can talk to someone for hours without even looking at my watch, even if I'm not romantically interested in them. I think NTs typically only do that if they're romantically interested, so there's another opportunity for misunderstanding. Sorry about the word vomit...great topic!

Same here. I have been accused of "flirting" with men in committed relationships, because if they introduce one of my obsessions as the topic of conversation, then off I go. I am always greatly surprised when I am suspected of romantic interest.

Actually, the self-defense portions of almost all martial arts are primarily about using your attacker's strength to your advantage. When I was younger, I studied Tae Kwon Do (AKA Korean Karate). Even still, if I see a punch coming, I naturally move perpendicular to the punch, towards the person's backside and nudge it away. Uses their momentum against them. It would be very unusual for your attacker to be smaller than you. Use this to your advantage.

Some of the techniques work equally well on charging 4yo boys to deflect them. One of the other things consistently taught is to be ever vigilant/always monitoring your surroundings.

That's all very interesting and makes sense. I don't have problems with guys hitting on me, and when they have been flirting with me I don't see it (someone has pointed it out to me--I may have been hit on more than I have realized but I don't really think so). I haven't been terribly disliked by girls, but don't form a ton of relationships with them either. Usually they talk to me and be nice, but become actual friends with other girls. As for guys, they (have told me) I am unapproachable, cold, etc and guys don't want to approach because I look like I would automatically reject them.

Interesting topic!
In high school, I found that I provoked men in a different way. By being unemotional and detached, I had male teachers that would tell me I was a snob (not comfortable with eye contact) and cold and unemotional. They would sometimes make these comments in front of a class. I was quite uncomfortable around guys of my own age so even though they approached I think they felt it was too much effort after a while. With girls I found that it didn't matter what I did to try to fit in, it wasn't working.
Now, I find that when I'm not with my husband I still have trouble with eye contact with men. The men I work with tend to respect my intelligence and treat me well, the women I'm close to at work seem rather protective of me, maybe they've realized over time that I'm not a threat to them.
I know that one of my NT friends mothers told her way back when that guys would not be as likely to approach a girl in a group, maybe there is a factor there for us Aspies, we do tend to be loners.

And when it boils down to it, you're absolutely right. Maybe people tend to complicate things by worrying about how our genders affect each of our relationships. Understanding and honest are always the best ways.



Lately, I've been doing the same thing...namely because it avoids confusion. I can interpret *some* signals...if they are rather blatant, bold print, or in my face. I tend to miss the more subtle signals. Asking tends to clear everything up. Of course, that's assuming that the person in question is being honest with you, but I tend to do that anyway unless a) they give me a reason not to, or b) unfortunately, my own paranoia and suspicion creeps in -- which I'm working on (I have PTSD from an abusive childhood, plus I was bullied in school, so I have a tendency to suspect people's true motives even without evidence). But that's my own problem, and like I said, I'm working on it.



I do this when I'm trying to maintain a general sense of eye contact without taxing myself. That helps.

Ugh I get that problem all the time! And it makes things worse that I'm a bit of a tomboy. I just naturally get along with guys better than women. I couldn't count for you the amount of times that lads I had assigned to the 'friend' or 'possible friend' categories tried to ask me out. And afterwards it's so hard to keep things together because they think you're a tease! I'm not flirting I was just trying to be friendly! )=