being aspie?!

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I don't know why I'm posting this, I must have been a member for about 3 years but havn't posted for at least 18 months and barely recieved a reply when I did.

I'm undiagnosed (on my only attempt I was belittled by my doctor and although I've changed doctors twice since it's taking alot to build the courage to go again, I'm hoping I'll be able to soon) and knew very little about AS until just before I joined this site. I always thought I didn't quite fit, I just don't feel I'm the same as others, almost like I'm just observing everyone and not really here. That alalogy doesn't really encapsulate what I really want to say but is as close as I can get...

Nobody that matters has ever noticed anthing massively different about me but I saw my father rarely and I now suspect my mother is an Aspie and for that reason wouldn't have seen anything unusual. The only friends I have ever had have befriended me rather than the other way around, right back as far as I remember (which goes back to my earliest remembered friendship which began at around 4 around years of age) and due to my family movements I couldn't retain any for a sigificant length of time - phone conversations just don't work for me as I get very anxtious, particularly if I havn't seen them in a while.

When I was young, in my mind I often blamed the fact my parents were divorced for the fact I was different, even though I had a sister who had no such problems and knew others with divorced parents who fitted in perfectly but I think I've always known I'm not quite as everyone else is. I've always felt I was looking in on something I'm not a part of, in all aspects of life.

I enjoyed a fairly normal loal pub (bar) scene but managed that by sticking to the group I used to be with before and getting very drunk, pretty much every night. I've been told since that if it wasn't for 1 person feeling sory for me I wouldn't have been in the group by the time we were old enough to drink. This didn't really suprise me as I'd often got negative vibes, even from this 1 person.

Since then I've met the 2 best friends I've ever had but even now am not comfortable enough to talk about my emotions and the only time I've ever tried to broach the subject of aspergers with either of them I've been slapped back down before I've even gone into any detail and diverted the subject as I've been too anxtious to continue.

The only girl I've ever had I got with 2 years ago and we were together for 18 months. The best 18 months of my entire life, which is pretty pathetic for a 312 month life. I met her at someone's birthday but couldn't get anywhere romantically as is the norm for me but she instigated everything herself and a few weeks later we were together. The day before new years eve she told me it was over. No reason, just over. Since then the fact I have no friends and no real relationship with even my family has come home to roost and my issues are back at the forefront of my life after being pushed to 1 side whilst I was with her and I see no way out.

My dad is now remarried with an AS suffering step-son and even now he talks about the diffeence between Peter and his own kids because of it but how can he know when the only times I ever saw him I was forced to go outside and play so either followed my older sister or sat alone reading on the swings in the local park with the occasional insult thrown from passing kids.

I don't even have any special interests from childhood as everything was stifled due to my mothers lack of interest in the particular subjects (eg. wasn't allowed to follow or play football as it was a 'hooligan' sport, my music was 'head-bangers' music (even tough my mother likes it now)) and also our extreme poorness (won't go as far as poverty but not far from it in comparison to others in my schools and neighbourhood) - for a long period I didn't even have access to a TV.

I'm aware that I've gone on an undirected rant here but I feel truely lost and needed to let it out somewhere. I feel I have no derection in anything so this is quite reflective of me at the moment. I don't think I'm expecting advice as I've never recieved any previously but it'd be 'nice' to know I'm not alone in being so alone.

How ironic that REM, 'Everybody Hurts' is playing as I finish this mail.
Do they really? This much?

Last edited by Mark198423 on 29 Jun 2010, 5:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I'm awfully sorry for you. How do you manage now then?

Welcome back to Wrong Planet. I know it can feel devastating to not get a reply to a post but it will happen in time. Sometimes it's just because of timing and it gets shuffled off the front page and people don't see it. I, of course can't tell you whether you have AS, but you say you feel you don't fit and there are many, many here that understand that very well.

If I'm honest, I don't. I spend many nights stoned as I can much more easily forget things that way but I hate it. I want to stop and am trying right now but am really struggling. Not because I'm missing the bud but because I'm missing the lack of memory.

It's quite interesting to me actually, as I was 26 when I found myself stuck in a very similar situation, with a very much the same life story as yours. I had sold whatever I possessed, which amounted to 100£, packed some basic clothes into a bag and escaped into the unknown. It wasn't a dream coming true story, quite far from that actually, but without doubt the best decision in my life so far.

That's quite odd, the poition I'm in right now is not quite selling all of my possessions but I share a house with my sister and am about to have a free rent period to save up and move out but the unknown terrifies me in this case. I could seriously move abroad - one of the 2 people I consider true friends lives there and has said he'd help but I've never travelled abroad in my life. How can I move there without visiting at least once first?
Please, if you're comfortble doing so, tell me more. I'm not about to follow move for move but it could really help me.

Much of what you have described is almost exactly how I would describe my own experiences in the way of social interactions and just feeling different. Your statement about feeling like merely an observer is so right on. It is good to know I am not alone but at the same time, I am saddened by the idea of anyone else having to experience that ever prevalent awkwardness among even the best of friends. You are definitely not alone. I have also often considered selling all my possessions and just wandering the country like a tramp but I always figured that it wouldn't really help me very much. Speaking only for myself of course. I do frequently feel that need to leave society behind in some way because it wears you down when at the end of every day you take account of all your social interactions and feel ultimately disappointed in yourself or even embarassed. What should I have said, and how should I have said it differently? Did I express my gratitude or affection openly and coherently enough? Do people understand what I mean at all? Do they think I'm something I'm not? Did I stare at their hand instead of in their eyes when I shook their hand? All of these things, every day and every night forever and ever and ever. Oh and ranting is very ok, it is just part of what some of us do as I have just demonstrated lol.

Over the years I've aways to tryed to stop myself from appearing different. I'm not quite sure when it began as I've been aware I'm not normal from a fairly young age and began mimicking manerisms and behaviour from there. Since then I've added other bits, like staring at mouths and/or noses when talking to people as they're close to the eyes and may not be noticed, I force myself into eye contact in the more important occasions like interviews, following mentally scripted conversations at work, getting very drunk, very quickly in social surroundings to prevent forced interaction with new people, etc. I've even become aware about going on about random subjects and going off on tangents within conversation - I'm constantly self-analysing.

I think, in many resepcts these things have helped me plod along without people thinking too much about me (Although thinking back, I've often been a target for bully types, even into my last job, so maybe I've not been as good at hiding as I thought) and have managed (with difficulty) to maintain the few social relationships I managed to get. Now more and more people are moving on and away and I'm finding myself alone. I met my only proper girlfriend at an old friends party - I don't really have any friends I an go to the parties of anymore and clam up when it comes to aproaching or asking out women so how the hell will I meet anyone? I'm soon going to be forced to live alone for the first time too and the only thing I can see ahead is a downward spiral. I feel like I may be depressed but what's the point in checking it out? They may give me pills to sort it out initially but can you really resolve the issue if the underlying reason cannot be cured?

Thank you for taking the time to read (and particularly you few who reply) to my ramblings. like Jamus said, it's both comforting and disheartening to know others feel as low as you do, but I'm finding using this to air my thoughts is bringing me up slightly. Not really anything significant, but if others can see analogies with their own lives that help them in some small way, then it'd be good.

Of course, I don't expect you to jump on the plane right now. It was just that the description of your life have struck me as so much like mine, seven years ago. I'm not sure what sort of things you would find helpful though. I think, what I was trying to say was, that if you're stuck in life like that, perhaps drastic measures are needed to get out of it. Firstly, I was encouraged to escape by a friend, who promised to help. I had lost touch with her almost immediately after that but decided to push on and arrived to London without any contact at all. I still can't believe in the amount of luck I've had and the right people always appearing when they were most needed to help. That gave me a bit confidence and I'm about to go again soon. This time much further.

Where did you originate? Another English speaking country? Was it much of a change? How do you feel with meeting friends and lovers after the move?

The option I seem to have is going to Japan. I'd have to teach English which I'm not certain how comfortable I am with as I'd be the focal point at the front of the group. But would have my best friend there - I had him here for a while but stuggled in the larger groups - I'd have an excuse for not being quite right there though and a different culture which I'd be expected to be alien to. The signs seem good but I've had a passport for a matter of months, I want to go abroad but the idea of moving right now leaves me with extra weight in my trousers.

My first language is not English. I was born behind the iron curtain and still remember tanks in the streets in 1981. I never associated myself with my country and till the age of 12 believed that the whole world was a figment of my imagination.
It was quite a change, from a network administrator to a groom in riding stables (I was terrified of horses back then). For the whole year, when I worked there, I haven't seen a computer but learned to ride and jump horses to a fairly high standard. On those very rare occasions when I meet my old friends, they're glad to see me for a while.

Your opportunity to go to Japan looks terribly exciting to me. I'd encourage you to seriously consider it, especially that you've never been abroad. What an adventure.

Welcome back, from the real CockneyRebel, who likes The British 60s.

Thank you for your advice. If I'm honest, I really do want to go. It just really, really, really terrifies me. MASSIVELY! And I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't handle it, I could melt-down in the complete unknown.

I don't know the degree of your condition in relation to my own, but moving out on my own was one of the greatest things I have ever done. It has been very lonely at times. I still feel a crushing lonliness at times, but the independence and the learning process that comes with it is very uplifting when you start to recognize your own strengths as opposed to focusing on your weaknesses all the time. Of course you still have to work, but the general solitude at home gives you freedom to develope away from the constant expectations of another person or people always around you to be a source of self-doubt. Give it a try, start a process of self improvement that is not focused on social interactions but rather within yourself, in your own mind.

So well said. I agree completely.

I'm already pretty indepentant. I moved out from my parents at 17 but moved in with my sister in a house-share arrangement. I'm responsible for lots and have been in continuous full-time employment for just short of 10 years so know I'm perfectly capable of surviving. My issue is the loneliness. I fall into a few social situations because of my sister, they can be distressing but are also satisfying as having no social interaction is the only thing I really notice day to day. The less I interact, the more I shrink inside myself and that is where I feel a meltdown may come. There's not really anything I can do about it but I felt better for letting out my fears. Thank you both for listening and also for your input. It really is appreciated.