Has anyone here attained a satisfactory, sustainable social

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From the perspective of a 28-year old American with unequivocal but undiagnosed AS, I'm very interested in hearing if anyone here has attained this equilibrium type of social life.  One that's both satisfactory and sustainable, given the limits that scarcely need mentioning.

I only ask because I feel like I'm on the same horns of the same dilemma I've been all my life: 
If I live a solitary life I can function pretty well, but I'm always both haunted by isolation and beckoned by the call that I'm missing out on something that's edifying and meaningful...even for me.  But my honest and heartfelt attempts at social living are marred by hardships: complete inability to form connections with new people, and a sense of pointless fatigue when I try and connect even with people who I value and know well (and vice versa).  I've tried seeking a back-and-forth balance between meaningful interaction and solitary recuperation - but even this recedes to an arbitrary set of binary activities that leaves both fatigue and anomie in its wake.  I want to stay positive and realistic in equal measure, but there's an incoherence in this arrangement that drains the life from me every day I have to live with it, and this too is ultimately unsustainable.

I'm sure this idea has been voiced a thousand times in a thousand ways on this board, so I beg anyone's pardon who senses redundancy in my question.  That's why I asked it the way I did: I really just want to hear the experiences of people who have attained something like what I describe.  I'd like to know how it feels, the way you make it work, the things you had to fix or accept to make it happen, what rewards it brought you, and yes - even what you sacrificed to attain it.  Or even if you're like me and keep dashing up against the same reefs, hearing your experiences would mean the world to me just the same.  And not to rule out any possibilities, if you are one who is 100 percent at peace with a solitary lifestyle and can share your views, I'd like very much to receive them with a completely open and accepting mind.  Whatever your experiences, I hope that by hearing your stories I can expand my frame of reference, appreciate some limits as well as possibilities I don't yet recognize, and hopefully bring some measure of coherence to what to me now seems pointless at best.

My deepest thanks for reading, considering, and hopefully responding to my question,

Meursault

I got a good social outlet from the band I was in from about 1974-1978, probably because of the shared obsessional interest in music. After that I went to live in an inner city area full of artists and various oddballs and dropouts, and was pretty content with my social life there. I had a lot of faith in those people from the start, and they didn't let me down. They were mostly non-judgemental and friendly, and I felt we shared a common bond in our alternative culture.

But it was no place for a marriage, so I left it to get married and have a child.......I tend to get very wrapped up in relationships and I often lose a lot of people because I don't really have the time to look after all those friendships when I've got a serious partner.

After that I just had the occasional relationship and one or two friends, until recently. Now I've got a lot more time to do as I please, socialising has become a major obsession and I've somehow forged links with people not unlike those oddballs from 30+ years ago. It's going quite well as far as I can see. The obsessional aspect is important - I have to spend hours thinking aboiut my friends and the possible meanings in what they've said, and sometimes it gets too complicated and I think I'm going to blow it all by not picking up on what people want of me. My more nerdy special interests have gone on hold, because I fear starting those again will just suck me into a lifetime of isolation.

I identify completely. Does this, though, make you at all anxious or on edge? Or if it does, is it outweighed by the positives?

I'll only bump this once....but I need to hear from people now more than ever. I'm absolutely alone in frigid hell and the silence of everything is icing me over. Please, if anyone knows anything about this...

Hi there! It's totally possible. You don't need to feel lonely.

You need to recognize:

1. What you want/need to get out of social contact.
2. What it is that makes a normal social life difficult/impossible.

Then find ways to get as much of 1 as you need with as little of 2 as possible.

For me, I don't need people very often at all. I do need stimulation (constant stimulation), and people are exceptionally good at providing it. A good friend with some shared interests is very stimulating for a long time. So what I like to get from people are conversations about shared interests. I also sometimes like joking around.

What I find difficult is face-to-face interaction, for various reasons. So I stick with interacting via the internet. I occasionally augment that with face-to-face interaction, which can be pleasant in small doses.

I definitely get waves of anxiety, yes. But I'm getting very used to the people being around, and they're marvellously tolerant, so I'm able to put a lot of trust in them. I'm probably at my most anxious when things are going very well......kind of aware of the potential and scared stiff I'm going to fall down the slope just as I'm approaching the top. Also I find potential conflicts scary - so far we haven't contradicted or challenged each other, and I've no idea whether we can withstand going into that phase - past experience suggests that my conflict resolution skills aren't great when I'm part of the conflict. And I believe that no friendship can really be trusted unless it's ridden out the storm of a conflict or two and proved that positivity can prevail. So there are some logical reasons for my fears.....a lot is at stake.

But so far it's well worth it In fact the mild stress seems to keep me alert and perky......I guess adrenaline is like that. A lot of the tiredness I used to get while living like a hermit has gone away. Perhaps this is what the Earthlings call "fun" ?

No, there's no equilibrium in social terms: it stays stone cold, every now and then I struggle to lift the temperature a bit (my partner tries even harder) and then it's back to cold.

I use my dad for motivation to keep on trying - he's eighty-three now and lonely as all hell. Still doesn't know about aspergers really - he's locked in to the lifelong belief that how he is is how we all are. Well, for us that's true; but there's them too...

First post. Long time lurker. Undiagnosed Aspie.

Your post plucked my raw nerve. The feeling of despondency evident in your post mirrors the constant anguish that I suffer now. At times, I was completely one with myself; there was no need for any company. However, when my interests in things started waning, the dark specter of loneliness cast its shadow on me. I am asking the same questions that you have asked. It is like suddenly I have been blinded by the revelation that the social aspect of my being had been buried long ago and now I am digging like a mad dog searching for my soul.

Definitely not alone, Des. Not alone at all, been feeling that too. Can I ask how long you've been isolated away like that? How many years it took the anguish to seep out? I'm not in that position yet myself...though I feel like the decision is being foisted upon me some days.




And I can't thank you enough for raising that distinction. The novel thought has occurred to me that I'm in seeming want of a social life in and of itself, but I find its necessary ingredients to be bland and tasteless. A whole lot to think about there, can't thank both of you enough for breaking the silence with these truthful thoughts.

You can have a nice time playing with friends if you stay in your own back yard. I have had pretty good social life periods - but it means NOT mixing socially with the incompatibles.