Is this girl an aspie? (NT here)

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Hello everyone I'm a NT, and have been lurking on this site for a while now (I have a random interest in it, though I'm no expert at the traits that 'classify' you as an aspie, which is why I'm making this post...). I suspect that a girl in my grade (I'm in high school) has asperger's syndrome, especially after reading many of the traits that aspies share here on the site, which she has.

I wonder if you guys can maybe tell me if you think she is? It's never occured to me before I started visiting this site that she might have it...and, if I should maybe talk to her differently if she does have it?

The most prominent thing is that she's painfully shy and awkward to talk to (by the way, I know these are not traits shared by all aspies, but many do mention them). She rarely continues a conversation beyond "yes", "no" or "good" (if you ask her how she is, for example). She also tends to stutter and turn red if you talk to her. When we do presentations in class, she stutters over her words very badly, though I know she doesn't speak like this if she's relaxed.

In classes (she's in my class), if something is said that she doesn't agree with, she shakes her head for a long time and, in extreme cases, closes her eyes and closes her ears with her hands (been a long time since I've seen her do this, though).
Lastly, she's very good at school work (third best marks in the grade), and always gets full marks for maths, for example.

Again, I don't know if this makes her an aspie. I thought I'd ask, because if she does have it, maybe I should go out of my way not to make her uncomfortable with questions like "how are you?" (I've read here many of you guys don't like the question?), or should I just act around her like I do with NT people?

sounds like she might well be

sounds identical to my behaviour when i was at school.

Personally, I didn't so much mind people talking to me, but it made me feel bad when they interpreted my odd terse responses as rudeness. I liked people talking to me!

I can only speak from personal experience, but I liked it when people seemed to realise I had trouble with conversation and just sort of accepted it and didn't take offence at my weirdness and just kept talking to me anyway in a considerate way. What depressed people is when people tried to talk to me and I weirded them out with my nervousness and lack of conversational skills and they just sort of went off and I was alone again

Last edited by salzbrezeln on 06 Aug 2010, 9:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

Definitely sounds like it. Awkward conversation is what drives me nuts. Really nuts.

I went red and became incoherent when I had to give presentations. When relaxed I was strange but could be fairly articulate in a gauche way. I've built up some psychological defences over the years but I still find presentations terrifying unless I drink first or something.

basically I think she sounds like she has it and I wish I knew anyone in high school who was as considerate and understanding as you. Since you understand AS a bit, you are in a position to be friendly with and supportive of her. So, good on you for asking this and being interested.

Last edited by salzbrezeln on 06 Aug 2010, 10:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

Maybe you should ask her, some people don't like to be treated differently.
Or if you feel uncomfortable asking or don't want to make her feel uncomfortable and you noticed she doesn't like when someone asks "how are you?" you could maybe just smile at her. But don't stop talking to her.

Okay, I hope she does like it when people speak to her...I've always talked to her in a positive manner, and she always smiles at me (never says anything much, though).
The problem is, I don't think I'd be able to go up to her and ask her if she has asperger's...seems very thoughtless to me. However, simply asking her if she likes it when I speak to her seems an odd question to ask of her suddenly

Last edited by noogle on 06 Aug 2010, 10:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

She might be, but then she might not be. People can be shy and self-conscious for all kinds of reasons. As for what you should say to her, I would just try to get to know her as an individual and observe what she is comfortable with and what makes her uncomfortable. Personally, I have Aspergers and I have no problem with people asking me how I am - I realise it's a social ritual and I reply 'Fine thanks - how are you?'

Yeah, I wouldn't raise it. Just talk to her and sort of bear in mind she finds it difficult. Be tactful. I would have frozen up and fled if someone had talked about any "syndromes" to me when I was at school (+ undiagnosed) or asked an awkwardly forward question like "do you enjoy me talking to you?".

I'd say, just make small talk and try to make her feel at ease with you.

I actually went to see a movie with her, once. I got the distinct feeling she doesn't go out very often, and it certainly was an awkward experience....I'm glad I did do that, though, she definitely liked the movie itself. I also lended her books in primary school and introduced her to a series of books when we were younger that she liked very much (Redwall, if anyone knows the book series).
Apart from liking to read, I don't know much about her I just always try to be friendly. People are generally nice to her, but don't really start random conversations with her. I've heard plenty of people describe her as 'weird'.
She does have people she sits with at break times, though I don't know if she's really good friends with any of them.

try not to feel awkward! the feeling that the other person found it awkward to be around me was the most unpleasant thing about social interaction for me.

^ Yes, but it's hard to act normally and relaxed around her if you talk to her for more than fifteen seconds. I hate awkward silences, and always try to stuff them with more small talk, lol... which might make the situation even worse for her It's not a problem with casual greetings, since the conversation usually doesn't last at all long. It gets much more challenging if you try to speak to her beyond "how are you".
The only fact I know about her beyond liking to read is that she likes horses (if I remember correctly)...

The way it stops her in her tracks if she hears something during a lecture that she can't accept, that sounds very Aspie to me. But the other stuff doesn't seem particularly diagnostic. She could just be intelligent and shy.

To know whether or not to say "how are you?" to her, I'd suggest you try it and see how she responds. If she seems baffled, just say "sorry, it was a stupid question really" to minimise the damage, and don't say "how are you?" again to her.

I've had a similar conundrum with a friend of mine - I've noticed a lot of things that have often made me feel sure that she has AS, but I'm still not certain. Paradoxically, she seems a lot more "normal" than she used to, which could be just that I'm accustomed to her and don't notice her strange ways so much any more, or possibly I've done well in making her feel accepted and safe with me, so she's more calm and confident - I'm definitely less autistic when people do that for me.

I'd suggest you just continue to get to know her as best you can, and keep observing her behaviour. If you get to the point where you feel pretty sure, you could offer her the AQ test, if you feel she can handle the result. It's always difficult to know whether to break silence or not. The other problem is that she might not want to share so much personal info with you, but you can always give her the key and let her work out her own score. Or just give her the Web links to the AQ test and the Aspie Quiz, if she likes the Web.

I really couldn't rule out simple social phobia. She may of course be autistic, but it's not specific enough.

Either way, really, it doesn't matter too much which she is, because your interaction with her would be the same--simply being nice to her is enough; and explain yourself if she seems confused. If she's an Aspie, she'll benefit from your being straightforward rather than hinting at things; but really, I think most people benefit from that.

The other reason why I have the feeling it would go horribly if I ask her, is an experience my friend had with her regarding personal questions. My friend asked her if she'd ever considered styling her hair in a different way...she genuinely didn't mean it in a hurtful way, but she told me that the girl looked at her as if she had thrown a terrible insult at her, didn't answer, and walked away from her. Ever since then, the girl has rarely even responded to my friend's greetings.
My friend has been feeling guilty about this incident ever since then...and...yeah, seems like a bad idea to ask her such personal questions (and mine is considerably more personal than just a hairstyle suggestion)

Think I'd better just go for the general suggestion here, to continue being nice to her.
Thanks for all the replies, by the way, guys

It's virtually impossible to say based on such a small amount of information. She could just be painfully shy and/or have anxiety.