Do you make (normal) eye contact?

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I don't. And I have had SO many people make comments to me about it- friends, family, teachers, co-workers, etc. Why is it such a big deal? I don't get it! When people bring it up, I just tell them that it is very difficult for me, and that I have worked hard for years on it. It is super annoying that people seem to focus on that so much. Some people have brought it up to me multiple times. It's frustrating, because I have worked so hard on it for so long, and I know at this point that I will probably never make normal eye contact despite my best effort.

I know that there are some people with AS who actually do make eye contact who are annoyed by the focus on eye contact for the opposite reason- i.e. that some people assume they can't have AS because they make eye contact. Well, I don't even have AS, I have NLD, and someone at work apparently thought I had AS- probably because of eye contact (that co-worker is one of the many people who have brought the subject up with me). Eye contact is not the be-all, end-all of social interaction- there are many aspects of social interaction I actually manage quite well! Again, why do people focus on it so much? Any ideas?

Last edited by LostInSpace on 17 Aug 2010, 10:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

People look in to each others eyes to connect on an emotional level Aspies don't because they don't deem it logical, you probably trust most people to not look at them.

I am NT, but from my perspective, the reason it is a big deal is because of our culture. Not making eye contact means many things with negative connotations in our society such as: being dishonest, shy, insecure, ashamed, guilty, afraid, disrespect. Every culture has a cultural concept of what certain types of eye contact or lack of mean. It is not negative not to make eye contact in every culture. I could go into much detail but you get the point.

Tell them to worry about their own eyes and not yours. People are so annoying.

I tend to look at people through the corners, of my eyes.

I disagree, that's not the case with me. Then again I'm apparently more emotive than most Aspies...

For me, with adapting for the past 18 years w/o knowing I had Asperger's, I can now look at others' eyes in single-second intervals, but that's about it. In conversation, my mind doesn't function the best looking at someone's eyes; In speaking, I can't form the words while also looking at their eyes, doing so stops my train of thought. In listening, I can't seem to take in all they're talking about. But I can take a quick second-long look at someone before or after I say something, to show I'm paying attention.

Because I can do something like this, the last doctor thought I didn't have Asperger's, which is a load of bull... I can't make normal eye contact, just half-baked eye contact.

Fact: eye contact is an expression referring to the awareness of the direction people's eyes are pointing. eye direction is a component of communication. It's not literal. The expectation isn't to hold eye to eye gaze, unless you're seriously having a deep flirt moment. The expectation is to use the awareness of where eyes are looking to enhance or clarify communication. In a normal conversation, eyes will check in every once in a while in order to maintain awareness of where they are pointing, as a component of the communication occurring. It's a nonverbal that I believe is even more difficult than facial expressions or implied/subtle language meanings...


That said, do I do it?

I struggle to be aware of where eyes are pointing or know how to check in while maintaining my thoughts and communication flow while also trying to think about what the other person's eye direction might be meaning.

no.....it causes actual physical discomfort, somewhat like a bright light source. way back when....as a child i was 'beat-up' more times than i wish to think about because of what i now know is a.s. not looking at bullies caused a few of those. i devised coping mechanisms, like never being around humans or wearing dark glasses (try it) and the trick that really helped: bribing a really tough, really dumb guy to help me. wish i still had him on the payroll.....

I too can't process what people are saying when I make eye contact. I also can't form my own words if I make eye contact. I look at mouths and watch the words come out. I have thick glasses, I think because of the glasses, and that I am looking at the face, most don't notice the lack of eye contact. If I am overloaded I can't look at the mouth or face at all. I need to hide my head just to form a thought. I didn't even know what eye contact or lack there of was, untill my son, (who is now an adult) was 12 and asked me why I never made eye contact. It doesn't come naturally to me at all but I can force myself to do it for a few seconds if I have to.

Atleast after i found out about the whole AS thing about not making eye contact ive found myself looking at peoples eyes until they look at mine then i look down at their nose or mouth. Im not sure if i did this before i got told about AS.

I dont. Sometimes I dont even look at the person I'm talking with. I probably wouldn't pick up on the non verbal clues even if I did. With me its a choice of eye contact or thinking. I can make eye contact if I say to myself (in my head) "dont look away,dont look away,........... but I cant listen to what the person is saying or respond with any sort of intelligence.
So I dont do it.

I do now, but after a long time of looking past people. Though sometimes I used to give people a prolonged look, which often creeped them out.

-Bill, otherwise known as Kraichgauer

I've noted that I generally look more at people's mouths and noses than I do at their eyes.

I don't remember getting yelled at for not making eye contact - I've always found it really creepy though - my mind starts to wander and I can't focus and get overloaded. I can look at people's eyes for a very brief amount of time as long as I'm not actively engaged in a conversation with them - like when listening to a lecture in class.
I find it strange that our society values it so much - it seems like such an imprecise thing outside of movies - plus, people can fake it - I believe that sociopaths can make normal eye contact and still lie to people - so it's not logical as a measure of trustworthiness.

Some societies do the opposite. I make eye contact if I feel like it. I used to stare at people too long. I remember being at a party and doing this in a group of guys and they started making crack comments about it.

Sometimes I actually do, but find it intimidating. The only mention of it I can remember was a friend in college told me never to hang my head and lower my eyes like that. I did not know why it is such a big deal. Still don't. Mostly, I avoid eye contact. I just do not think about it, though.

ScottyN, because that posture generally indicates shame.

...I can't get anything useful from it. I don't usually do it; the annoying thing is that when I do, I grasp from the other person that they've read my mind, but I don't know which thoughts and I didn't give them permission and am now at a disadvantage, and further, what if they're wrong? I do look people in the eye when they have attractive eyes. Further, I look people in the nose a lot (I like noses, and I note the shape of each nose I see), which is generally good enough to fool them into thinking I'm making normal eye contact. It's no longer a sign, but it is a symptom. (And I'm not about to go around correcting people who think I'm normal.)

It used to be scary to see eyes. It used to hurt to make eye contact. Now I can handle it in small doses. Or at least, I can handle looking at eyes.

But I usually don't look at people when I'm interacting with them. Most of the time, I'm still looking at other stuff. It doesn't have a negative effect on my life, but it does worry me, because I'm a writer and need to pay attention to what details my characters notice. Even if I remember to note the feelings of a non-POV character in full view, and say the cues came from the eyes, I still need to remember that the other person is actually the most important thing in a character's mind during an interaction.