Being right all the time

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This is just an "anyone else had this" thread for personal reassurance (or not, perhaps).

I was talking to my brother, who I have not seen for many years - I am 46 and have not seen him for 12 years - about how I was as a child, in relation to being diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. He was telling me several instances of me "being right" when we were children, and not accepting that I could be wrong. I remember some of them, and also a lot of bad feelings around them that I can't identify or figure out. I still feel uncomfortable and so I did not discuss them with him. These events were:

- Holding a belief that was wrong (according to my family members) and refusing to accept that I was wrong even when everyone disagreed with me, and even when shown books that demonstrated that I was wrong. When shown the book, I would insist that the book was wrong.

- Getting in trouble with teachers who were wrong, and insisting that the teacher was wrong - even after physical punishments or detentions, I would still insist the teacher was wrong and refuse to apologise or to recognise their authority on the issue.

- When I needed glasses, I would not believe that other people could see objects or read signs that I was unable to see. I would insist that they (all) must have been in that place before and seen those things close up, just so they could tell me what they said.

I would appreciate any comments or similar experiences.

Sounds like Theory of Mind as I understand it. If you can't see how something makes sense, it's hard to believe anyone else can.

I was like this when younger too. My son, who is now twelve has the same problem, and I find it very hard not to get caught in the viscous circle it can cause. My wife's brother, also an Aspie, used to be very much the same way. He's 28(?) now, and starting to question his paradigms, but still has quite a lot of difficulty with it.

I think the toughest thing for an Aspie to learn, if they are like this, is to just let it go. Learning that being right isn't as important as getting along with others was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn.

Your meeting up with your brother reminds me of something that happened with my father years ago. I hadn't lived with him for about ten years, then moved in with him and his new wife (new at the time). It's amazing how fast we can slip right back into old patterns. It was like we picked up right where we had left off ten years before. During the ten year period living on my own, we got along perfectly fine. Within weeks of moving back in with him, we were both acting just like we did ten years before. It drove my step mother nuts, and she wouldn't put up with it. She ended up telling us both to grow up or get out. We both felt pretty sheepish after that, and got along much better after that. Every time I wanted to say something contradictory, I would just NOT say anything. Life was so much better. We all get long really well now.

...

This is such an issue for me that I have decided to harness it for my benefit. I am going back to university in January as a mature student to study law. Then I'll get paid to always be right.

I'm the opposite and sometimes dont believe myself, even if I am right, I may be influenced to believe anothers point of view, rather than hold on to my own view.

I'm easily swayed by the opinions of others

This is a big problem for me, I've always acted like I know what is best, and won't hesitate to correct someone's "skewed" point of view. The only way I can keep it under control is by not socializing so much...I might wind up hurt or in jail or hurting someone else.

I used to have to be right, all the time, but I've changed my ways.

Im right maybe 90% of the time. And i state it every time i get the chance to do so.

I have to be right all the time. I dislike it when I KNOW one hundred percent that I am right, but the person I am trying to convince does not believe me.

What I find interesting is how the people who talk about "your truth" and "my truth" are often thew ones most likely to call me wrong.

You get worn smooth like old stone stairs - I would now avoid some of the horrible times I tried to prove I was right [and I was, this is not stubbornness]. Even when it can't be an "agree to disagree situation, it is not worth the pain. If I am right, I still cannot convince them whatever I do. If I am wrong, rare indeed is the person who supplies any evidence other than assertion.

I guess the need to constantly convince people that your view is best might come from the fact that you are basically told you are wrong so many times on so many subjects, that when you actually are right about stuff you fight for it a lot more.

That is the case with me because basically being told that I am wrong makes me feel like a complete moron (and being told I am wrong upsets me more when I am not actually wrong and can prove that).

My memory of these situations that my brother recalls (from 30-40 years ago) are very uncomfortable emotionally. I think some of the discomfort is that there was a lot of teasing from my family, where they would almost engineer situations where my opinions were ridiculed - I mean honestly, who brings out books to show a child he is wrong? I also recall that "the truth" was something that mutated around me, so that I was proven wrong on something that I never said. In the case of the teachers, they actually were wrong (!), but it was my rude manner and obstinacy that was the problem.

My recall of the situations also is that I did not feel the need to prove that I was right, and it was not me prolonging these arguments, but my family dragging something on for days (even months) with newspaper articles or TV programmes that yet again demonstrated that I was wrong - and of course I did stubbornly stick to my original position. (Needless to say, I am also sure that he is not recalling an overwhelming proportion of events where I was correct.)

Now, in adulthood, I often do not express my opinion and I do not usually correct people who are wrong. I am also much more aware that a particular truth can be right or wrong depending on the context. And I am much more aware that I state my opinions in the form of facts, even when I am aware that they are not certainties.

What hurts is that I have been right 99% of the time, and never gotten more than a snide look when I am proven right. I don't think I have ever provided info (even when asked) and was belived.

I have learned to laugh and walk off when people who have no clue about a subject (that happens to be one of my focuses) doubts me or questions my answers. I tell myself that they are too stupid to understand just how stupid they really are.

Sometimes I feel better about myself by thinking that AS is a superior condition, not a hinderance. AS is my super special mutant power, it places me above the masses of people around me, they are just too scared to accept that I am better. Kinda silly and self centered, but it helps me.

As a child, being wrong felt so deeply shameful that I tended to insist that I was right far more than I should have. Even now I still remember a few humiliating moments. Once I insisted that I had seen photographs of George Washington and that photography had been invented before he died. Another time I believed in Lamarkian evolution (that if a mouse's tail was cut off, its offspring would have short tails)

I am less bothered by it now, but I am still embarrassed. I suppose this is odd since I was maybe 10 or 12 at most when I held these beliefs. Why should I expect the child that I was to have understood the complexities of evolutionary biology or exact timelines in history. I suppose it was the laughter and derision of my family. (They didn't carry it on for very long, thankfully, and yet it still stings 35 years later)

It still bothers me a great deal to be wrong but I accept it now better than I used to. What is strange is that many people who know me, without prompting, comment that I am very smart. I place a high personal value on intelligence and being wrong chips away at the image I would like to preserve of myself. My way of dealing with it is to make self-denigrating statements to others like "Don't listen to anything I say" or "I'm a complete idiot and I'm happy to prove it to you." (Comments like this tend to de-fang ridicule from others.)