24 Aug 2010, 2:27 pm
24 Aug 2010, 2:53 pm
bitsnpcs
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 19 Aug 2010
Age: 56
Gender: Male
Posts: 56
Location: Birmingham, UK
24 Aug 2010, 2:57 pm
Assertiveness, self confidence, self esteem
Assertiveness = 1
Self Confidence = 1
Self Esteem = 1
Conversation: keeping it going, thinking of topics etc.
Keeping it going = 10 , I forget to stop if I start.
Thinking of topics = 6 or 7
I cannot begin conversation with strangers and find difficulty keeping it going and so on with them,m so for strangers = 3
Dating, romance, marriage, sexual relations
Dating = 1 , not currently dating, not looking for dating , have not been looking for dating for some time.
Romance = 1 , see above.
Marriage = 6 , I was married in the past, so I know this can occur.
Sexual relations = 5 overall, when I was dating as have never came across any problems not dealable with for myself or partner in this area, it is not a lazy activity and requires work in more ways than physically.
When not dating still get some, not rocket science, but not so easy either, so 4 overall.
Preferable is relationshp and sex together , rather than sex as a mechanical only, overall 4.
Driving, learning to drive (selected as an example of something requiring co-ordination/multitasking) = 10 , I have a clean licence still after 15 years driving , passed my test first time.
Education - school/college/university, studying/exams
School = 1
College = 8
University = 1 (minus 1 actually) I only lasted one year in the environment.
Employment - finding and keeping, job interviews
Haven't looked recently, will be undertaking a course relating to this and other aspects life in 2 weeks = 1
Independent living, housekeeping, home ownership
Independant living & housekeeping = 6 , I only shop online or a local shop, I should vacuum or dust a bit more often than I do.
Home ownership = 10 , I own my own home , I do not have a mortgage.
Making friends, social life, maintaining a network of friends
Making friends = 1 , I do not make friends easily.
Social life = 1 , I do not socialise at all currently, this is another part of the course I begin in 2 weeks and will be trying this 
Network of friends = 1
Mental health - maintaining good mental health, staying free from depression, anxiety etc.
= 5 , I get anxiety.
Sense of humour, banter, sarcasm, repartee, literal interpretations
Sense of humour = 2 , I do not find jokes funny very often.
Banter 1 (or less) , I do not like banter.
Sarcasm = 1 (minus 1000 more like) , I really do not understand sarcasm and have great difficulty spotting sarcasm, verbal or written/typed sarcasm always reads to me as agression, I have to show this to someone or ask them if it is sarcasm or anger and if sarcasm what exactly they are trying to say or to mean by it, I have no idea at all how to respond to sarcasm, and I will not respond to it using suggestions from whomever I ask as to what it means because that would not be my response independantly.
Repartee = 3 , I can do this face to face sometimes but not very often.
Literal interpretations = 4, I do make these and sometimes quite embarassing ones, not too often but regular enough to be a problem.
24 Aug 2010, 3:24 pm
Assertiveness, self confidence, self esteem- 2. I can be assertive, but I have no self-confidence or self-esteem
Conversation: keeping it going, thinking of topics etc.- 1. Because i'm generally bored by just about everything people (myself included) talk about...I just remain silent most of the time. Everything seems obvious, even things I don't understand seem obvious and uninteresting. That is...the answers to things I don't understand (like higher math equations for example) probably wouldn't be all that compelling if I did understand them. This is why i've felt a near-constant state of ennui in life. Nothing is new under the sun, everything seems dry, sterile, grey, drab, etc.....I often say I wish I could see a UFO or something.
Dating, romance, marriage, sexual relations- 2. I have had my share of sex partners, but i've only been in one LT relationship that lasted five years. This person is now one of the few friends I have even though I don't talk to her much. I suppose I could define myself as anti-sexual rather than asexual. The sex drive to me is more of a pointless burden than anything else. It is an itch that screams for regular scratching. I once asked a psychiatrist if I could be chemically castrated. Human sexuality causes more problems than it's worth IMO and I greatly envy the asexual.
Driving, learning to drive (selected as an example of something requiring co-ordination/multitasking)- 10. I'm fine in this area. I can't drive stick though and I became very frustrated and anxious the few times someone tried to teach me. Beyond that....I drive quite well and have a good driving record. In spite of my visual-spatial problems, I can even parellel park better than alot of NTs I know.
Education - school/college/university, studying/exams- 2. This and the next two categories are the sources of most of my misery in life. I have an AA liberal arts, but I obtained that only with course substitutions for math. I took introductory algebra twice and dropped it both times. I always wanted to be a marine biologist or a psychologist, (with a track in either neuropsych or forensic psych) but my abysmal math skills (and possibly other factors like memory) robbed me of these dreams. If there was a god....I could never forgive "him" for this (among countless other things.) Nonetheless, I plan on going back to college in Jan though marine bio or psych are probably out of the question. I'm 40 y/o and even if I suddenly developed a great aptitude for math, i'd have to spend at least the next 8 years in school. A BA/BS in either subject means virtually nothing. I still plan on giving math (at least up to college algebra) another try though, if only for my own self-edification. The neuropsychologist who just tested me said that would be a bad idea until I had a "history of success" under my belt. He said I should get something like a paralegal certificate (or anything which would tap into my "strong verbal/language skills" ) and then go back and attempt math if I wish. I hate law though and would find paralegal studies/work intolerably boring. Therefore, I really don't know what i'm going to do yet insofar as what to study in college is concerned.
Employment - finding and keeping, job interviews-1. I have always worked in menial, low-paying and unskilled jobs. I have even been fired from many of those jobs usually because of AS/NVLD-related reasons like poor executive functioning, motor skills, the social deficits, etc....Also, my visual-spatial/mechanical skills are rubbish (probably even worse than my math skills), so any job which requires anything more mechanically complicated than screwing in a lightbulb is off-limits for me. I am not employed at the moment and I have only had sporadic employment with a family friend (as a salesperson in his retail business) for the past 10 years.
All this and my IQ scores have been anywhere from the high-average to very superior range on five out of the seven professionally-administered IQ tests i've had. I tested squarely average (104) and somewhat low average (94) on the other two because my PIQ and processing speed scores were particularily low on those.
Independent living, housekeeping, home ownership-5. I lived independently for ten years though i've never been fully financially independent. I had a small apartment and lived there with my ex-gf (who is an NT) for five of those years. I managed fairly well as far as housekeeping, grocery shopping, paying bills on time, etc.....was concerned. My poor visual-spatial/mechanical reasoning abilities made any sort of repairs impossible though. Luckily for me.... landlords take care of that stuff for you when you're renting. I can't imagine owning my own place though, i'd have to call somebody to fix everything with the exception of replacing lightbulbs. 
My horrible mechanical and math skills really make me feel stupid no matter what any of my IQ tests say.
Making friends, social life, maintaining a network of friends- 2. I have a few friends, but I don't talk to them much anymore. One is my ex-gf and another is somebody I met in college years ago. I just never have anything to say to them and nothing they do or say interests me. I rarely call them, but they call me quite a bit and wonder why I never answer my phone or call them back. I just don't have any desire to have friends really. I talk to another women friend online and we've met a couple times and have been intimate together. She lives out-of-state, so I rarely see her. She is also very busy with nursing school, so we don't IM or talk on the phone all that much either. She is also NT, but doesn't have any friends herself and she has her own mental problems (bipolar, ADD, borderline personality disorder, perhaps some dyscalculia, etc....)
All in all though...I have a diminished desire to have friends, socialize, have sex, be in romantic relationships, etc.....I have been dxed with schizoid personality disorder... so this is pretty much expected.
Mental health - maintaining good mental health, staying free from depression, anxiety etc.-1. I have severe depression and i've been depressed to one degree or another most of my life. Even as a child, long before I knew anything about AS/NVLD, I was often quite depressed. I have always been gloomy, melancholic, somber, austere, etc...Some people have said i'm the most "negative" person they've ever met. Mostly young women have told me this after their initial interest in me faded. I also deal with a tremendous amount of anxiety, but the depression is the most crippling and agonizing aspect of my psychological problems. I used to get severe panic attacks too, but those have subsided since I cut out all caffeine intake. I still shake and tremble quite a bit and I always have. People have always noticed this and I hate having to always come up with excuses for it. Just like I hate coming up with excuses as to why I don't smile. It's at the point where if some stranger asks me if I ever smile....I simply reply with an abrupt and serious..."no" and walk away.
Sense of humour, banter, sarcasm, repartee, literal interpretations-1. I get sarcasm quite well and I don't interpret everything literally. I don't really have a conventional sense of humor though, I don't even know how to define my sense of humor. All I can say is there are countless things people find funny that leave me utterly blank. For example....people often find the behavior of children uproarious. I find it predictable, annoying and otherwise non-stimulating in every conceivable way. I really have no CHILDLIKE quality about me at all. My overall personality has much in common with that of the wizard Saruman in the Lord of the Rings. I only wish I had his brains, but I could live without his "evil" characteristics. I have no desire to harm or dominate anyone or anything. I just wish to left alone to and become my own god complete with omniscience and omnipotence. I wish to be free of the crude, petty and animalistic things this mortal coil entails. I despise having to dress, shave, bathe, etc....Aside from the sensory organs which allow me to enjoy, create and perceive beauty wherever I find it, I despise the body and all it's needs and desires. I hate eating and I hate sex...I don't even enjoy getting massages because they're pointless, mindless and boring. Mind and the sensory organs are the only pearls of great price within the human person. I could do without the rest of the things which we share with the vulgar apes. I do not smile very much at all and when I do, it's rarely, if ever, genuine. I value the intellect, knowledge, creavity above all other things in existence. Hence the reason i'm so miserable, because while the spirit for these things is quite strong, the flesh of my brain seems very weak. Thus.....I pretty much despise all existence for bringing me forth from oblivion and denying me of the very things I cherished above all else. Truly...I would probably be happier as a serial killer with tremendous abilities in math, science, music, etc....
I find certain comedians like George Carlin, Lewis Black and Bill Maher quite funny though. IOW....i'm a somber, brooding, austere, angry, "negative", unsmiling, humorless, deadly serious troll of a man who nobody likes to be around. That IN ITSELF....suits me just fine. 
The long and short of all this is (not to mention the terrible irony)...I am quite content with the areas of diminished functioning which matter little, if at all, to me. I am burning in hell because of my diminished functioning in the areas which I valued above all else. Therefore...I cannot say I merely have some neurological "difference". Instead what I have is the blackest of neurological curses from an indifferent, unconscious universe. A place so absurd and horrific that I can't possibly imagine how humans continue to justify the creation of new humans.
24 Aug 2010, 7:43 pm
24 Aug 2010, 7:52 pm
24 Aug 2010, 8:40 pm
25 Aug 2010, 12:22 am
25 Aug 2010, 10:27 am
25 Aug 2010, 4:01 pm
25 Aug 2010, 4:07 pm
25 Aug 2010, 5:24 pm
25 Aug 2010, 6:03 pm
Additional categories.
First, somebody else's category:
Cultivating wide interests and activities
1.
I've never been able to control my interests. I'm interested in what I'm interested in. I'm also mostly fine with that.
Areas I have thought of:
Starting point for processing language.
I will have to explain this a bit. Most people start at or near the top, which is where language makes automatic sense to them. I am not talking about auditory or visual processing but rather the processing itself. I will explain roughly what 1-10 would mean for this. I've skipped some numbers, think of them as spaces in between the other things. I'm adapting this from something I wrote specifically about reading, so some parts of it may be stretched a little far to make them appropriate for sound:
10. Words automatically make sense to me.
9. I hear coherent word-like sounds/see letters I can sound out, but it might as well be a foreign language because it makes no sense to me.
8. (If reading) I can make out the letters as familiar letters but I can't sound them out.
7. When I see the words I am conscious of the letters as symbols but unable to recognize them as letters or put meaning to them.
5. I see/hear separate letters/sounds (without noticing they are word-pieces) but cannot perceive them as symbols.
4. I see an overall black pattern/hear an overall pattern of sounds but cannot see/hear the separate letters/sounds. I can see them/hear them but there's nothing special about them other than that I can notice them.
2. I perceive the entire world, in every sensory system, as simply patterns of color, shape, and visual texture, of tone, pitch, timbre, of texture, warmth, pliability, shape, etc. What Donna Williams might call "pattern form and feel". I don't even notice the text/voice.
1. Not even sensory impressions make much dent in conscious awareness. This isn't as empty as it might sound.
Here's a visual representation of these:
(The bottom part is both 1 and 2)
I'm aware this isn't the only way to divide this up and maybe not the best way. Such is the process of artificial rating systems.
So anyway, be aware that what I am asking is (roughly) where you start from when you're in your average mental state, not any more shutdown than usual, not where you can get to with enough effort. Basically your average starting place without effort.
Here's a similar one:
Starting point for recognizing what is in front of me in typical terms
10. I see a table, a bookcase, a computer, etc.
9. I can single out the different objects. I just can't remember what they're called.
8. I can single out pieces like the leg of the table. I can see sort of that they connect to each other and have some kind of meaning. I just can't quite connect them up into each object.
7. I can single out pieces like the leg of the table. I am aware that there is something significant about them. I am not able to tell that they are supposed to connect to each other. At this point I can do things like easily pick out every circle or other such shape in the room.
5. I can single out pieces like the leg of the table. I am unaware there is anything significant about them.
4. I can't really single out pieces like the leg of the table. I am still aware of the general shape of the table and its vicinity but I don't distinguish it as anything in particular.
2. I perceive the entire world, in every sensory system, as simply patterns of color, shape, and visual texture, of tone, pitch, timbre, of texture, warmth, pliability, shape, etc. What Donna Williams might call "pattern form and feel". I don't even notice the table/bookcase/etc. in particular.
1. Not even sensory impressions make much dent in conscious awareness. This isn't as empty as it might sound.
As usual, I'm asking about the average place you start at when not particularly concentrating on it and not particularly in any state of shutdown. I'm still aware this isn't perfect but try to get an approximation. If my ideas don't sound quite right to you make up something else. I am just going from all the levels I have ever gotten stuck at beneath the standard "right" way to see things.
And yet another (and my last) similar idea:
10. I am good with ideas. I regularly engage in the activity of piling ideas on top of ideas, building entire structures out of ideas, moving ideas around and comparing them, combining them, bouncing them off each other. This is second nature to me. I might not even be aware there is the possibility of not being this way.
9. I can combine ideas, but not as many or as easily.
8. I can combine ideas together but not even as many as that, and it's a struggle.
7. I can barely combine ideas, if at all. It's sometimes hard to hold a single idea together. But I can do it.
5. Generally ideas tend to fall apart into pieces. It's easier to perceive at least parts of the world around me, although bits of ideas can warp that perception.
4. I find it easier to perceive the world around me than to perceive ideas. I can't fully see the world in terms of patterns of sensory perception, but not fully in the world of ideas either.
2. I perceive the entire world, in every sensory system, as simply patterns of color, shape, and visual texture, of tone, pitch, timbre, of texture, warmth, pliability, shape, etc. What Donna Williams might call "pattern form and feel". Ideas don't exist, they are up in the sky far above me.
1. Not even sensory impressions make much dent in conscious awareness. This isn't as empty as it might sound.
So for me:
Starting point for processing language.
1 or 2
Generally I am either in the realm of patterns of sensory perceptions, or somewhere even before that. I have to climb really far to get to language and often I can't get there at all.
Starting point for recognizing what is in front of me in typical term
1 or 2s
Generally I am either in the realm of patterns of sensory perceptions, or somewhere even before that. I have to climb really far to apply typical categories to my surroundings and often I can't get there at all.
Starting point for dealing with ideas
1 or 2
Generally I am either in the realm of patterns of sensory perceptions, or somewhere even before that. I have to climb really far to get to ideas and often I can't get there at all.
Yes, those are really similar but I think it's because my problems in those three areas are connected.
29 Aug 2010, 6:07 pm
30 Aug 2010, 12:53 am
30 Aug 2010, 2:36 am
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