The autism social rule book.

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187. Be conscious of emphasis, cadence, and rhythm in speaking. You want to avoid speaking oratorically in casual conversation, but also avoid sounding abrupt, robotic, or childish. Knowing what this means will typically involve taking rhythmic cues from the speech patterns of others, either in your immediate environment or as experienced through entertainment (e.g., films and television). In this way you can form a generalized model of emphasis and rhythm for given situations.

188. Make use of deliberate non-verbal cues, such as hand gestures and bodily posturing when speaking. This is an important, though by no means essential adjunct to speech cadence and emphasis. Do not, however, be overly demonstrative - gestures, facial expressions, and postures are merely visual punctuation to spoken communication, and should not appear clownish, exaggerated, or discordant.

189. Remain vigilantly self-consistent in application of these principles. Once you have adopted a speaking, gesturing, and postural style, the people around you will form a model of you in their minds, and sudden failure to adhere to it will cause social friction. If discrepancies are obtrusive enough, they may either decide that you were initially deceiving them; that you are deceiving them now; or that you are unstable, unpredictable, or simply "off" in some way that makes them find your company displeasing.

190. Make a habit of translating internal states into their closest-approximation facial expressions. While you may at some point neglect to do so, this will generally serve to make such expressions closer to automatic (though still short of NT-instinctual), and thus create a smoother social environment on a daily basis. One expression in particular must be mastered: Your default, that is displayed when not in any particular mood, but feeling well enough. It is not sufficient for the default expression to be slack blankness - this can be interpreted as depression, and may also appear "creepy" or mentally ill. Smiling is not necessary for a default, but it is advisable to cultivate an air of openness, awareness, and amiability.

191. If you typically need time to formulate a response when unexpectedly engaged by others, learn to employ non-committal dilatory gestures and phrases. For instance, turning one's hands palm-up and tilting the head slightly to the side - not quite a shrug, but a gesture implying casual consideration of a qualitative judgment - i.e., you would not do this if specific information were requested, but only if suddenly called upon to provide an assessment of some "small talk" subject while you consider your reply. The gesture alone may be sufficient response to "How are you?" provided the context does not call for either more somber or more demonstratively happy output.

192. Attempt, to the best of your ability, to respond to questions in the context of who is asking them, when they are being asked, and why you believe this person is asking them of you - do not merely respond to the words of their question. Identical words can have radically different meanings in various contexts. However, at the same time that you are cognizant of alternative interpretations, be parsimonious in your conclusions - if a given interpretation seems out of sync with the contextual evidence, it is probably incorrect.

193. Do not allow fear of embarrassment or social faux pas to inflate the relative likelihood of negative interpretations of other people's statements. Though one is tempted by anxiety to interrupt the natural flow of conversation to be reassured of others' benign disposition, this will tend to be self-defeating: Regard only the evidence and context of other people's behavior, not your own wishes or fears.

194. Try to recognize and understand that interaction with others is a fluid rather than discrete process, and its success or failure depends entirely upon smooth progression and continuation - not upon the composition of its verbal or even non-verbal elements. You cannot build a human connection as if from Legos: Its forms are transient, and its existence based only on change and motion. A lasting relationship is a fluid process in steady-state equilibrium, not static equilibrium - comprised, in other words, not of immobile lack of change, but of a self-sustaining feedback.

...is why I have to lie just because I'm doing something that has real meaning to me and why 'hanging out' is supposed to be better.

So true!

Very true. Though actually I've seen ONE place (except WP) where you can be smart and not get ignored or harrassed because of it.
But you need to have special interest in some rather obscure branches of sci-fi in order to find it.

I find all the advices here to be helpful.

#188
Realize that some NT rules will never make sence but we have to do them anyway.

#189
Find the balance between being yourself, yet following NT rules at the same time. (Not sure how but I think it's necessary to do that.)

# 189 Your opinion is just that. It is not absolute truth just by virtue of the fact that you think it.

#190 It is not necessary to call someone who's working to tell them your every waking thought.

#191 - Another acceptable response to "what's up?" is "nothing much." It's quick and easy, and seems to satisfy most people. "What's up?" can also mean "what are you up to?" so you can say what you are doing as well.

#192 - This has been said before, but I think it's important. You're not alone. Lots of people feel awkward in social situations sometimes. I'm an NT but I have to remind myself of a lot of these rules mentally every day. It's ok. Humans are just complex.

193: Make a mental note to use simple words whenever you can. For example say 'head rush' instead of 'orthostatic hypotension'. Your nerd friends understand you, everyone else probably doesn't.

I always fail at this one.

194: When someone asks, "What's up?" don't look up and say "The roof."

195. Don't tell someone you barely know that they are your best friend. "Best", in the context of friends, is not a relative term. Just say you don't really have one at the moment, if they ask.

I'm an NT who has been in a successful relationship with a man with mild Asperger's (24 yr old college student) for three years and here are some tips that seem to have remained unmentioned specifically:

When someone asks you to do something, if you plan to do it, do it in a TIMELY manner, especially if the person who asked thinks it is important for you to do so. Otherwise, they may become very frustrated with you.

Make sure to moderate the volume of your voice. Sometimes excitement can cause you to increase the volume of your voice over time and you may become inappropriately loud while not realizing it

Avoid monologues. Ask people for input from time to time and take time to listen carefully.

Also, realize that a lot of the social problems you've experienced in the past are not your fault. You're just different and other people are often ignorant and mean. You're not a bad person. AS people and NTs, alike, make plenty of social mistakes and feel misgivings about their social performance. Many people aren't very confident in their social skills. They have to pretend to be confident, too.

Try not to be pedantic.

Have patience with people who don't have interest in your particular special interests.

Do not too readily engage an NT in debate because they may feel challenged, singled out, and attacked while you just want to have an engaging discussion.

Try, for the sake of caution, to avoid using swear words out of habit because AS people frequently have problems with gauging what topics and language are appropriate for various social situations and with moderating the volume of their voice.

Also, don't lie to people you are intimate with because they will, sooner or later, figure out you have been lying. Keep this in mind especially if your relationship with them is important to you. They will intuitively figure out if you have lied.

Seriously consider and take the advice of very trusted and highly empathetic NTs in regards to your relationships with the people around you. They probably notice many things that you don't about social situations and the personalities of the people you deal with. Don't be in denial just because what they say isn't something you don't want to hear.

Btw, I love my boyfriend. He is very good-hearted and funny and I wouldn't want him any other way. I just wish he could feel happier sometimes. I wish things were easier for him.

AS people can find happy romantic relationships, too. It just takes a lot more effort. There are some good books about dating out there for AS people and the NTs who are in relationships with them. Also, books translating social situations clearly for AS individuals can be very helpful for both AS people and NTs who want to understand how they think.

Best of luck! I hope this advice helps at least a little.

@#$% the rules!

I'm still learning this. People do this with "what's up" too. I would start explaining and then they'd walk away while I was talking. I always felt confused and a little insulted.

I noticed some of the rules mean I have to fake too much. I feel I fake things too much now as it is. I don't want to fake even more things. It makes me feel unreal.

If someone says "what's up" just say "nothing" and continue on.

Too many times have I said "Well, no much, I'm about to..." the ... = person walking away. I still don't see why they ask me what's up while they're moving but... yeah, just say "nothing".

196. try to find a way to relax in between the individual stresses of the day. many bad things happening in the same time frame can often lead to overreactions, for me, when things go wrong they tend to add up into one big ball of emotional overload that can explode if left unchecked.

EDIT: forgot to add how that pertains to sociality...when you can't manage your emotions, it shows, and when you're around people, they don't like to see anything other than positive emotion.

197. life is a very chaotic and unpredictable; you have to adjust to the fact that not everything can make sense and not everything has a reason, or at least one that you'll be able to find out. people don't like it when you try too hard to make sense out of everything, especially when it's a group of friends trying to joke around with you. just relax and go with the flow.

198. encyclopedic knowledge of obscure topics is not usually impressive to NTs and should usually be saved for people you know well or people you know will engage in the conversation. it tends to be disappointing when people don't show interest in something you've taken so much time to learn about, so save those discussions for when they count.

199. When someone touches you and it makes you feel uncomfortable, do not IMMEDIATELY push them away and make a scene about it. This rule about people touching you is referring to sexual harassment. However, many of us have sensory issues associated with AS so a friendly pat on the back or a tap on the shoulder might just totally throw us off the wall and that CAN make us feel uncomfortable even though they are trying to be friendly. It is important to analyze the situation, it might take a bit of practice, but after a while, you can tell if the person is either being creepy or not. Usually by the way they touch your and where they touch you. If they meant well, then simply just politely say "Would you please not touch me? That makes me feel uncomfortable."

200. When in doubt, it is better to be brutally honest rather than to lie, though honesty should be told with love.

201. It is important to know your audience when writing. If your teacher wants you to write about a "guilty pleasure" it should probably be PG rated at the most. Do not say stuff like masturbating or in my case, sleeping in bed naked.

202. Be aware of what you wear, when wearing a skirt, you shouldn't do cartwheels or sit crosslegged or when wearing a low cut top, be careful when bending down.

203. Do not be afraid to stand up and say that you are too overwhelmed or you cannot handle something because you are having sensory probelms or you feel a bit uncomfortable or whatever, you would be surprised how many people will believe you. It is better to walk away from a situation as opposed to totally lose control.

If you are lucky enough to work in a semi-secluded area, then ignore this, but if not...

#204. Don't talk to yourself. I know, I know, it's really hard not to do it!

I find it very calming to talk quietly to myself and it also helps me focus. Unfortunately, it will draw unwanted attention from others, and it can be annoying.