Shutting down, help please...

Post Reply New Topic

Hello everyone,

Tonight I almost shutdown. I was so close to it and then I did what I know best, I researched aspergers and shutting down and voilà, info came tumbling down. I still might shut down. Do I? Do I distance myself from my best friend who is making me feel more sad at the end of the day rather than happy.

My best friend is also an aspie. We discovered it together after he blew up at me for some mundane thing I shut down for a week, saw the movie Adam and then realized that this was him. However, the more I researched the more I discovered myself as well. We both took a bunch of online tests and received the same scores.

Here's the thing.
I am not good in friendships, I don't particularly enjoy them due to the emotional stress.
I don't know what I am doing here. He is so negative and always points out my weaknesses. I feel like he takes little jabs at me to make himself feel better.
Here are some jabs and some of his traits.
1. He says that I am uncoordinated at the gym. (I try really, really hard but sometimes my brain does not connect to my body parts fast enough for him. He is an athlete and I grew up an athlete so I am not incredibly slow just slow in the Aspie way)
2. He points out that I am not as intelligent as him (he could be teasing here, I am not sure. I taught myself italian and french and scored very well on the IQ tests)
3. I have given him a Christmas card and a birthday card, he criticized my handwriting on both. (Now I don't want to give him cards)
4. Today he told me that I have a double chin. (I may have a little blip there but I am 5'6" 120lbs so not exactly chubby at all.)
5. Today he insisted that my life was boring before I met him. (Not exaclty true but it has been fun having a google, nerdy friend who has a vast vocabulary.)
6. He made fun of my kicking which I guess I took too hard and said "f**k You" this was after he said that I couldn't do Aikido nor Jiu-Jitsu due to my weak neck (played violin for 20 years and have to strengthen my neck in a new way)
7. I came off of a really difficult weekend with my family, he knew about this but apparently didn't think I could be stressed and said nothing about my weekend after I had already told him it was difficult.
8. He will say really inoffensive things at the gym that are definitely misogynistic.
9. He thinks that it's funny to talk about having sex with little girls that walk by, 8 year olds. He says that I do not understand his sense of humour when I get upset about it.
10. He says really horrible sexual stuff and says that all of his friends are like that and that I, again, do not understand his sense of humour. I would like to write what he says but it's pretty gross and some friends have gotten mad at me for putting it in their mind. I have had guy friends my whole life, a cop father and 2 brothers and no one has come close to the vulgar stuff that he says. I can cuss like a sailor too and have a wicked sense of humour so I am not exactly "soft" when it comes to guy talk.

When we first met he was shy and a gentleman. Slowly but surely these traits have been coming to the surface. He knows that he has AS but does nothing about it. In fact, he uses it as an excuse. This sucks because he can be such a cool and fun person. I know he has a heart but is either hiding his feelings for me under a bunch of gradeschool taunting or he is just incredibly insensitive to my feelings.

Anyway, I feel myself not wanting to see him anymore and I feel like shutting down for awhile.
I did enjoy him being in my life and I am scared to be alone again because this is the first time that I have met someone who can keep up with me intellectually.
Question is, am I being an idiot hanging around him and putting up with the verbal abuse? Should I just limit my time with him and distance myself even though that will be incredibly difficult. Help. Shutting down slowly happening.
Sooo confused as to what I am dealing with here... Who is this guy? Would an Aspie behave this way?

Help please.
Thank you in advance.

A
P.S. this was my first post

Welcome.

It can be hard to come to this kind of decision. Try taking a break. Don't talk to each other for a week or so.

Or so.

Friendship is not suppose to hurt that bad and I think you know that. I would say limit your time with him. Not just aspies, but anyone can not learn what they need in life or feel self-worth hang out with someone who is toxic, just because you call them a friend.
A real friend makes you feel good and disagreements get worked out.
The vulgarity and sexual comments, especially about 8 year old girls is not funny, is not acceptable and is probably covering up deeper issues. (actually hard truth is to dump him as a friend immediately)

You say: "he was shy and a gentleman. Slowly but surely these traits have been coming to the surface." Is not an aspie trait. Most people are nice when you meet them, or even marry them (which is why you need to know a person a while before), this is the way we attract other people. After they let down their guard then their true colors show.

You say shutting down, but instead view your feelings as mourning the loss of the person in your life, for that is what it is.

There is also a lot of posts her on shutting down you can search for immediate help.
Do what YOU feel is right.
Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

I'm not an Aspie, I'm the mom of one, but as the result of early child hood sexual abuse I ended up in a pattern of getting into verbally abusive relationships. I talk about it here and what helped me stop doing it (http://saraclaradara.livejournal.com/152546.html)

My son's dad wasn't diagnosed with Aspergers, but when my son was diagnosed and I was reading Tony Attwood's book lying in bed next to him I kept thinking "Hmmm. Son isn't the only one this reminds me of..."

He was shy and charming. Oh so charming when he wanted to be. And once we were married, in PUBLIC he would always say the most wonderful things about me. But in private, he was EXTREMELY critical. He was so good at being charming in public that when I said a wanted a divorce, a lot of people came up to me and said "Why are you doing this?"

Aspie or not, no man has the right to treat you unkindly or without respect. You deserve better than that. Maybe with an Aspie boyfriend you might have to explain to him why something he says hurts your feelings, but once you've done that, if he can't learn to stop and keeps doing it, then there's a deeper problem. You want to be with a guy who celebrates you, not who puts you down all the time. Trust me on this. It only took me forty something years to figure it out, but it really does make all the difference.

I wouldn't stand for that kind of stuff if it's happening as a way of life. It seems that you stand up for yourself sometimes (e.g. saying "f**k you") which might have been over the top but probably better than just taking it. Maybe the best way through would be to object to the behaviour that annoys you the most, to keep challenging it and making it plain that you won't let yourself be an easy target for it. If you don't get him to back off that way, then you probably need to make a choice - tolerate him as he is or lose him - then (if you still have the nerve) issue a clear warning that he's going to wreck your relationship, and be prepared to follow through if that last warning doesn't do any good.

But it's much easier said than done. You'll need a lot of strength. When I've been in that position, the hardest thing has been that the partner usually gives me the impression that I'm somehow wrong, and without the opinions of other people (who usually haven't seen the problems first-hand), it's easy to lose your resolve.