sorry, message gone

Post Reply New Topic

sorry, message gone.

Last edited by libby72 on 03 Oct 2010, 11:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Keep on talking about it with him, but don't be too pesky with him about it either. I'm sure your husband loves you very much, he just might not show it in a way noticeable to you. Aspies not being empathetic is probably the biggest myth there is about autism and Aspergers. I'm on the autism spectrum and I'd actually say I care more about others than I care about myself.

This has always been very true about me, as well.

A very stressful situation for sure.

I'd suggest first to put the want baby idea on hold. If you are depressed and on meds as you describe as a result of no emotional support, having a baby right now is not the intelligent thing to do. Babies can be conducive to making situations such as these better in pulling a family together, but I'd suggest the turmoil that exists at present may make such a likelihood quite unlikely, or even have a opposite impact.

For you specifically, have you researched womens' groups in your area? While groups aren't always the best solution, they often can be for the better. Just be careful to find a structured program with appropriate norms etc. Some unregulated groups can turn out to be gripe fests with negative impacts.

As far as weight, keep up the good work! I personally dont like weight watchers because there is no true focus on health. Dieting should be focused on health first, not gaining additional weight second, and losing weight upon finding balance third. Diets that focus on losing weight first are the most likely to fail. CAVEAT: if weight watchers is best for you stick with it, maybe ask your doctor to see a dietician to make weight watchers more health oriented, particularly if you do get pregnant while on that system.

For your husbands denial of sex based on weight, as heartless as it sounds, I can't blame him BUT there is room for improvement, and ways his perspective may be influenced for the better. First, sex is exercise. Tell him you want to dominate him because it is good exercise and will help you loose weight. Get on top and work it. Sex can help with depression in many cases, tell him you wish you'd have sex because it makes you feel feminine, it's motivation to get in better shape, and makes you happy. Otherwise, just be overtly sexual. If you expect him to be passing through somewhere in the house, and the kiddo isn't around, just drop em and start rubbing one out. If he sees you and asks WTF? Tell him you were thinking of him and couldn't help yourself. None of this may work, but may be worth a shot.

I wish you luck!

i wish i could persuade you to dump that guy. in my decades of working in hospitals i have known many women in similar situations who left their abusive husbands and found that after the craziness of relocation with children in tow, life does indeed go on.

Fo true - not by any means necessarily Aspie. From your decription, I have known two of his clones and their significant partners.

Significant hint - DO NOT buy into the idea it is your fault. In the two cases I have known, the wife's only fault was taking it all on.

Your husband isn't an aspie because he's emotionally distant or controls your weight. These are clear signs of abuse and you should view it that way. I'm tired of wives accusing their abusive husbands on autism. It's rather insulting. We don't lack emotions. We have trouble expressing them. And controlling and blaming has nothing to do with autism, but is a sign of abuse.

I think you have mistaken Asperger's Syndrome for "@$$hole syndrome". I would have left him a long time ago.

Having Asperger's is not your husband's problem, being an abusive jerk is. Also, did you perchance start taking antidepressants because of your issues with your husband or an unhappy home life? If so, he is quite nearly a direct cause for your weight gain, since weight gain is a very well-known side-effect of many SSRIs and some other types of psychiatric medications. Leave your husband and develop a good relationship with a good man who treats you well and wants to be the father of your baby. You're only going to be 39 yrs old once. Why waste some of the best years of your life with a man who is so shallow? People tend to gain weight as they age, so if he's not happy with your looks now and you lose weight, then he may be unhappy with it again if you gain it back. There is no BMI requirement for love, and men find women of all shapes and sizes sexually attractive.

sorry, message gone.

Last edited by libby72 on 03 Oct 2010, 11:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I must say the hens are clucking and not giving good advice. They have made swift judgement against your husband without hearing his side of the story. Sure, he may be some "abusive" psychopath, but the assertion made by the other posters, based on such a small data set, is one sided and ill-informed. You came here because you suspect your husband may be defined by some ASD condition, yet nobody asked you to elaborate. Don't let these feminazis prevent you from trying to make your situation better. Do some research (try scholar.google.com too much bad information shows up here). Learn the spectrum, then you will be closer to understanding one way or the other.

To the other posters: being overweight is not some liberating thing. It's not a key component to express personal freedom. It is unhealthy, and unhealthy is unattractive. This woman wants to lose weight, sounds like you all would like to keep her fat. No matter what psychological status, her husband has a right to be repulsed and want for his wife to lose weight. If a woman's husband blows up in weight, she has the same exact right. This isn't a sexism issue, its a weight issue.

Insufficient data to form an opinion.
What are the four most concrete reason you believe your husband is on the Autism Spectrum?
What was your weight the last time he showed affection?
How many years after the marriage did affection begin to wane?
When did the antidepressants start?
Why did you move?

I couldn't disagree with you more. It sounds like you are as shallow as her husband. At least some of the weight gain is due to medication, so it's not a personal decision. Your own preferences to someones BMI obviously influenced your response. Nice job blaming a bad situation on someone that is already in pain and seeking advice. I think that was a pretty crappy move.

The flaw in that logic is that there is blame to assign. I am not shallow, I date women ranging from bone thin to thick and voluptuous, content of character is paramount. Some people find obese women attractive, but for the rest (most inobese people) obesity is the opposite of attractive. Just like poor oral/personal hygiene etc.

This woman wants to reconnect with her husband and is being responsibly accountable for her weight gain instead of shouting "I am woman, hear me roar". Eight years ago I gained 100 lbs "on antidepressants". For me, as the OP indicated, overeating was the primary culprit. As prior to the meds I was annorexic, the new found hunger was unregulated by myself, I couldn't stuff enough into my gullet. Once I became accountable for the weigt gain , I lost 80lbs (to a healthy weight, was underweight before).

There is help, and there is harm. Being negative is harm. Being honest is the best type of help. Sometimes women need an intervention to get away from abusive men, but there is no indication of actual abuse here. Sensibility, where are you?

Do want to help this woman, or blindly contribute toward breaking up a family?

sorry, message gone.

Last edited by libby72 on 03 Oct 2010, 11:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It has absolutely nothing to do with weight being healthy or not. I don't think having excess weight is in anyway healthy or attractive, or should be encouraged. However, this weight was probably due to having children and medication which is NOT HER FAULT. A "loving" husband accusing her of things being her fault because of her weight is controlling and abusive behaviour. The poster also says she "believes him" that it is her fault. This sounds like clear emotional abuse to me.

To the OP, I doubt it's a sensory issue. Most people with such issues love to have weight on top of them and will pile blankets on them, or even purchase weighted blankets. I feel much more uncomfortable around taller people, simply because they are more overwhelming to me, but I don't think this carries over to someone's weight.

If it does happen to be he just sounds immature to me. Change is hard to deal with but that doesn't mean you blame or throw guilt on other people for it when it's undeserved...