Help! - Dilemma for new Aspie?

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I don't feel quite ready to write this, but I'm having a kind of internal meltdown because I feel conflicted and kind of alienated. Please advise me!

I'm new to this site. I've always been weird and always had MANY aspie traits, now that I've started to read about them (always looking for a more complete list of possible traits) and in fact being an Aspie precisely and logically explains most of my character flaws (things I don't like about myself and things others don't like about me). I'm pretty sure I'm being unbiased and not trying to "fit" myself into the Aspie profile - in my readings I keep having "OMG!" moments when some new trait is mentioned that I *strongly* relate to.

So.. I felt sure enough to discuss this with my family and closest friends.

What reaction did I get? Bemusement. Irrational alternate explanations of traits I listed. Desperate (fail) attempts to prove me wrong. Accusations of being a hypochondriac (inventing illnesses; wanting to be ill and claiming to have illnesses). Accusations of trying to use this as an excuse for all my past and future bad behaviour.

I hate conflict. I hate arguing, it gives me headaches. It also does my head in when people insist on a conclusion that is illogical or unfair. And this is my life I'm talking to them about.

One of the things that really frustrates me, about this and other topics, and always has; is that "normal" people seem to be unable to understand that people can vary - you can't tell someone who is gay, afraid of spiders, hates sports, etc that they are "wrong" but they do it anyway. I've always been in the top 2% of intelligence and sometimes I think thats why - it just goes over their heads. But at the same time, since I can understand people can be different, someone much more intelligent than me could tell me how they are *and I would be able to accept it* and be happy for them, so why can't normal people just be more open minded?

I also worry about my job, whether to tell them, whether I can get anti-anxiety meds to help, whether it might affect my career or Security Clearance, etc... once I get an official diagnosis I have to declare it whenever I have a medical, right?

I'm strongly inclined to go for a diagnosis. However to do that I will have to go against ALL my friends and familys advice. Also I'm on therapy - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy - for social anxiety (UK, NHS) and a diagnosis might make them refuse to proceed (if their rulebook says it won't help) and OTOH maybe thats ok because maybe they really can't help me - or can they???

So, I'm having a meltdown. Not an emotional one, just this huge decision and its tearing me apart in both directions. My brain is trying to find an answer and I have insufficient data to find one.

Any advice very much appreciated. Also if anyone can clarify any of the things above that I don't know the answer to that would help simplify it for me.

Thanks!!

People with Asperger's often get CBT. Then again, your mind doesn't work the same way as does that of a non-autistic with social anxiety.

If you don't disclose to your employer, you can't complain if they don't make reasonable accommodations.

We can probably help you with social anxiety more effectively by helping you learn social skills. Then again, I don't know what your shrink is doing with you. It might be very useful.

I say shut up about it. Make it so, to your RL acquaintances and friends, you've forgotten about it. And come here, learn about yourself, learn to cope. Just don't tell them.

You have to consider what benefits would come from a diagnosis. It seems that even though you aren't getting specific help for aspergers, anxiety is a part of it, and you're getting help for that.
If your job is military, etc, it would probably have a big affect on your career.
Do you want a diagnosis for specific help, or because you just need to know whether aspergers is the answer to many of your questions in life?

For me, when I told my parents about the possibility of me being an aspie, they had the same reaction as your affiliates did.
Do you know anyone with aspergers reasonably well?
If so, you could tell them, or their relatives about your suspicions - I have found that the people that are most open about aspergers are those who directly experience it.
Otherwise, you will get the people who believe the stereotypes.
If you want a diagnosis, I think you will need someone who knows you, and believes you.
Make a list of your symptoms, and show it to them, maybe?

This is one of the best aspie tests on the web:
http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

Hopefully that helped - If I just went off on a random tangent, just ignore me
If I was helpful, ask more specific qus, and maybe I can help answer

I am sorry to hear what a difficult time you've had with sharing your concerns about being an aspie with those close to you.

I'm in my 30's and was recently diagnosed by my MD and my neurotheapist with Asperger's. Just last week actually. I am thinking that I won't tell anyone. They will probably react in ways that will only hurt me. People are difficult to trust at the best of times.

I did however call a local autism support group and got one of the warmest receptions I have had in my life. I was invited to all sorts of meetings and groups and coffee dates. The woman I spoke to even wanted to get together with just me so she could learn how to be a better mother to her autistic children. Being 'weird' and very often rejected by NTs all my life, it was a pleasant surprise. That made me feel much better about my diagnosis. If I can regain any kind of self-acceptance it will be in the company of those like me.

So perhaps your best option, as others have suggested as well, is to be judicious and keep this to yourself. Unless you are talking to others whose lives have been impacted directly or indirectly by autism. I could be wrong, but it's quite possible that this is the only group who will give you the kind of response you are looking for.

Hope that helps.

Last edited by D_Brava on 01 Oct 2010, 4:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

Your family probably has such reactions because they are ignorant of Asperger's Syndrome. Maybe giving them a book about AS might help, or like another poster said, making a list of your symptoms to show them. No one wants to believe anything they find negative about someone they love dearly, especially when it impacts their ego due their relationship to you. I was mostly ignorant about AS when my boyfriend of 3 yrs told me he might have AS when we first started dating. I was ignorant of AS and knew just a little about Autism Spectrum Disorders. I didn't believe him because I knew he could function relatively well, though he did have some social problems and issues with school and work. I just thought he was overly anxious and depressed, though he does suffer from mild depression, probably due to his AS. Ignorance will only fuel prejudice and misunderstandings. Getting a diagnosis would probably positively affect your life greatly, especially if it enables you to receive more and better support from professionals, the Autism community, and your family and friends. Best wishes and good luck!

Thanks for all the kind replies, you've been very helpful! I think I'll see how CBT therapy works for me and not rush, but I believe sometime I'll go for a proper DX, at least people will have to believe me then. And in the meantime I'll just keep it to myself - that'll be easy, I'm very self reliant, I just feel like crap right now because I feel like my friends and family don't understand me and have let me down badly. So I'm gonna retreat into my shell for a few days and recharge.
Thanks again!
Corum.

Corum, I am like you, 5 months ago. I had those 'oh my god' moments too when I read something that seems to describe me. I still come across new ones by the way, though less frequently now.

My family had more or less the EXACT SAME reaction. I still remember exactly where I was when my dad accused me of being a hypochondriac, and how angry I felt at him. Families are supposed to support each other. I still can't understand the unwillingless to believe me, or even to just take just a few minutes of their time to read a book about aspergers or research it on the internet. There's definitely something going on here, some 'repulsion' against having an aspergic son.


If you're wondering why people think 'there's nothing wrong with you, it's partly because:

"adults of considerable intellectual ability can be more difficult to diagnose due to an ability to camoflague their difficulties"
Tony Attwood, the Complete Guide to Aspergers


Here's some quotes about people not accepting aspergers, which you may share a connection with:

"unfortunately, I've met a range of reactions in people I've told from apathy to outright hatred of the diagnosis and declaring that I was insane for thinking that. Not too many people have been openly supportive of me since I was diagnosed."
Shaun Sigley, http://www.facebook.com/aspergersawaren ... 4316483243

"as the couple learned more and more about their son's condition, they both began to recognise that the father had the same traits as his son. Oddly enough he was the first to suggest that he was concerned he has asperger syndrome, but the ne became very distraught and angry at the thought that this might be the case. Everything time his wife spoke about their son, he would say, "what are trying to suggest, that I have AS too!" He would accuse her of trying to make out the was a freak, at other times he would hold up his hands in despair, and say "OK, OK, you have got your own way, I am a freak, I can't communicate, I must have this asperger thing!" Then one day her husband announced that his son did not have asperger syndrome and neither did he, the experts had got it wrong, his son was just a bit quiet and that was his mother's fault because she could not communicate properly. Things reached a crunch point when he tried to prevent his son getting extra help at school, they had a bitter row and he lost control, lashed out and hit her. That was when she decided enough was ehough and she left because she felt that had both of them might be in danger."
maxine aston, aspergers in love

"Everyone tried to be nice and wave these things off. But normal toddlers do not sit and do the same repetitive thing for an hour or longer. Always go with your gut."

The easiest way to avoid accusations is to stop sharing yourself with others. I don't see why it is important for my family, my friends, and other people to know my traits, thoughts, and feelings. I've never shared anything with anyone about me unless they asked and most of the time when they ask I just give the conventional answer. Learn to accept that the world is cold and ignorant, and stop caring what people think.

I would personally recommend that you don't get a diagnoses because how misunderstood people with AS are. A diagnoses will only limit you and cause more people to resent you. You are who you are, nothing more, nothing less, and a diagnoses won't change that.

Maybe your family just needs time to adjust to the idea. My parents reacted similarly when I first mentioned it to them. They said, "What? That's a form of autism! You're not autistic." They gave alternate explanations, too. After trying for a while, I gave up and tried to forget about it or at least I didn't talk about it at all. A few months later, my mom called me and said, "We think you have Asperger's Syndrome." Something had happened (I'm still not sure what) that triggered some realization for them, and they had started reading about it and having the same "aha" moments I had had. They are now encouraging me to get a diagnosis and counseling.

I'm not saying every family will react this way - obviously many don't - but mine did, so don't give up. It can be a bit of shock for people. Another thing I realized was that both my parents have AS traits and I think my dad does have AS but does not want to acknowledge it to himself - so that might be a barrier, too, if they are afraid they might also be on the spectrum.

My father thought I was looking for an excuse to sit on my ass.
My sister thought I was being a simpleton, and swept up by imagination.

And when I brought it up with my mother and stepfather I wound up in the middle of a confrontation and had a meltdown, wedged against the sink in the kitchen, unable to get away.

I had such faith in my mother.
Incidently, she now believes me, but it took my stepfather's shrink (he told the shrink about the confrontation events) telling him (thus telling my mother) that it sounded quite likely that I was right...